Recently, I was asked by a (kickass) marketing group I’ve started working with to write a biography about myself. Since so many of you are newbies around here and are just discovering the mayhem that is my world, I figured, why not share with the whole class?
I don’t think this is *quite* what the marketing peoples were expecting…
LiLu of Live It, LOVE It
LiLu is a 25 year old professional in the District of Columbia. When her “real” job isn’t making her do “real” work, she writes a little blog dedicated to mocking all things petty and insignificant, particularly herself.
(Ed. note: She’s not really that petty, actually. Just insignificant.)
Though she grew up near abrasive yet (arguably) charming Worcester, Massachusetts, four years spent at UNC-Chapel Hill in North Cack have significantly softened her rough edges. Thus, she has come to classify herself as a “South-i-fied Masshole”… all the fun of a Northerner, now with the grace of a Southern belle!
(Ed. note: That is a blatant lie. Her knees are constantly bruised from a total lack of grace, but let’s just say she’s, um, mellowed out a bit.)
When LiLu isn’t at a computer, she spends her leisure time berating tourists for not knowing how to walk around D.C., wishing that she could hold onto a pair of sunglasses for more than four hours, and lunching with her ladies.
(Ed. note: “Lunching with the ladies” = “giving her hard-earned dollars to the District’s shadiest bars at Happy Hour… and probably stuffing her face with chicken fingers while she’s there.”)
A self-proclaimed dork, LiLu also thoroughly enjoys “White Girl” dancing, shameless karaoke performances, and French fries of all shapes and sizes. She has never turned down a triple dog dare, because losing is for losers.
(Ed. note: No, really. She’s ingested a LOT of gross stuff. Ever had a shot of sweet vermouth… by itself??)
LiLu lives in a neighborhood “with character” in Shaw with her equally ridiculous boyfriend, and two kittens who have devoted their tiny lives to destroying all things fragile or of sentimental value in their closet of an apartment.
(Ed. note: Please send replacement wine glasses to [address redacted].
I am nothing if not honest…
And now for the winner of last Friday’s giveaway!
[Insert drumroll with a side of cowbell...]
FLORETA of The Solitary Panda!!! Congrats on your brand new (let’s hope- gross) Hello Kitty Pocket Vibrator, courtesy of Eden Fantasys! I’ll put you in touch with my main man Drew to collect your prize.
*Too soon?
{ 108 comments }
Well, I liked it.
You can't be *too* honest. Oh, wait, this is for a marketing company… yeah, better lie–er, embellish.
You are my hero.
Can I hire you to write up my bio for OKCupid?
That is the best bio I've ever read. You should make a fill in the blank template for us so we can all pretend to be as cool and funny and awesome as you!
I hate writing "about me" sections on ANYTHING!! I think maybe you should offer out your services! x
I do credit my year in North Carolina to have mellowed me as well. I learned how to walk a little slower in the heat.
Effing awesome.
DAMN! I TOTALLY THOUGHT I WOULD BE FIRST. I posted about dying in plane crashes… this all better not be an ominous omen. I can't handle this shit.
Oh, and I buy $10 target sunglasses because they come and go.
This is good stuff. You are a gem!!
Never lived anywhere but Michigan… By the way, what is the legal length of time they can make you wear an electronic tether?
I love it. You're very funny and real. The only thing wrong with you is you like cats.;)
Whoa it's an awesome bio, Lilu. LOL to blowing up money at shady bars. I think they should compile all tmi thursdays into a book!
I think you left out "being tortured by DC waiters/waitresses."
Oh lord. I feel the strong need to triple dare you. Now I know I have the power!!!!
But what to ask… What to ask… Hmmmm. I'll get back to you
berating tourists and shameless karaoke performances. you are nothing if not AWESOME.
You crack me up lady.
I think I found my new best friend…lol You are awesome!!
What's not to love about a girl who can out drink most people and write about her most embarassing moments for the world to read. You are my new hero.
Oh my goodness, you just kill me girl – no, really you do. I don't even know what to do with myself here. I'm not sure if it's the actual "obit" that's the best or the editor's notes that make me laugh the hardest. What a great way to start a Wednesday morning – Bravo!
That's a lot longer than mine:
Moooooog35:
Fucking. Asshole.
What a GREAT bio!!!!! And I'm actually kind of glad I didn't win the Hello Kitty vibrator. Not sure how I'd feel about ever using it……
so i really thought I already commented this, but…
lets do shots of vermouth this weekend.
LOVED the bio!! It really made me want to hang out with you.
That's WAY better than that tramp from TV. You know the one "i'm just a goof looking for my ball."
a shot of vermouth? really?
i love it. no – not too soon. great to be honest////hahahahaha
My two years in SC did something to me too. They kept calling me a Yankee, until I adapted a little.
woww what kinda marketing group project is this? what an awesome bio!! and are you for serious!!?!?? i WON!?! wowww i have never won a giveway before and if there's any giveaway i would most like to win it's a vibrator.. and a HELLO KITTY one at that..! OMG!!!! hahahaha how has the universe conspired so awesomely in my favor?? thank you thank you thank you!!!
Perfectly fine bio for a kick ass marketing group. Bad idea for your future nomination for the Supreme Court but I think TMI Thursday already ruined that anyway. Sorry.
Well…I thought that pretty much rocked! Lets us know what the marketing people think! That should be interesting:)
I love this little bio! I'm with Jane, let us know what they think of it! It's so brutally honest–brilliant!
i've been to DC afew times in the p0ast few months for work- if I'm ever there again I'll let you know, we should meet up.
you are hilarious. that is all.
Love the bio!
"losing is for losers" is the best line eva.
Ew, I had a shot of sweet vermouth last week. Seriously. Not cool.
Well, we also brunch…ie drink buckets of mimosas.
Basically, we eat and get drunk.
I have always wondered what my Obit would read. That has always been a taboo subject with us fire folk.
I too, can't hold a meaningful relationship with sunglasses, and I LOVE a night of shameless, off-key karaoke!
I loved your bio almost more than life itself. Almost.
Worcestah! I grew up 40 minutes outside of that ramshackle MA town…
haha, love it.
My friends constantly abuse the fact that I too cannot turn down a triple dog dare.
It does provide endless entertainment. For them.
Excellent bio. Better to have bruises on your knees (hooker) than a giant one on your ass (ouch…my ass hurts a lot).
I will admit to thinking about going to purchase my own damn Hello Kitty vibrator. It's just SO CUTE.
Love this.
I also refer to my neighborhood as "having character". I've always thought it sounded better than "shithole" or "has beautiful panoramic view of 24-hour McDonalds". Maybe it's just personal preference, though.
oh lord lilu, you ARE blog famous!!! just wanted to tell you that i too am a mixed breed of north and south (except i went the other way) and i've coined the term 'yankee belle' to describe mutts like us.
Is is really you if there's no swearing or talk of masturbation or periods?
i think we would get along fabulously.
Once a Masshole, always a Masshole…don't kid yourself.
All tourists should have to take sidewalk-walking lessons before they're let loose on our streets. If they fail, they can't leave the airport or train station grounds.
"White girl" dancing, chicken fingers and happy hour? I knew I loved you for all the right reasons.
You rock my world you know you do!
Muah!
"ever have a shot of sweet vermouth…by itself?"
No. I've had at least two, because the first wasn't retched enough.
"That wasn't so bad. Set me again, barkeep!"
I think that night ended in epic vomiting.
You seem fabbity fab fab, my dear! I'm glad I started reading your blog!
And I have friends that grew up in Worcester. I have learned, despite my Jersey Shore accent, that the correct pronunciation (sp?) is something close to "Wister", NOT "Whore-chester" lol.
Thanks!
Very cute, I loved reading it
You should really incorporate the happy hour chicken chomping bit into the actual bio. Cus really, that's appropriate.
Thank goodness I just bought the book 'How to Walk Around in DC'.
If I'm ever in DC, you'll have to publish your karaoke performance times so I can experience some LiLu greatness, lol
I'm sure this wasn't the effect you were going for, but I feel pretty insignificant after reading this post.
I'm going to search for my sense of humor now. Hopefully is accompanied with a little bit of wit.
great description.
you will be misses (single tear rolling down cheek)
Excellent bio. You should hire yourself out to write them for those of us not nearly as witty
Great bio!
I stopped wearing sunglasses because I lose mine within 1 hour of wearing them.
ha! i love it. perfect.
My favorite is how your D.C. walk is more like a run/ race. Cracks me up!
Awesome bio!
Never tried sweet vermouth by itself, but I HAVE shot Bacardi 151. To this day, I'm still a little afraid of drinking rum.
Oh, and same here regarding the french fries. =)
I have been away far too long!!! Your witty commentary never ceases too amaze me! I love your bio it's too bad you don't know me very well or else I'd pay you to write mines lol.
At one point (after I somehow managed to find every single pair), I had a collection of 8 pairs of sunglasses. From one summer. Halfway through that next summer, I had one pair. ONE! My grandma always suggests those things called 'crokies' that attach like a sort of backwards necklace. Do I ever listen? No. Those bitches are ugly!
One time I saw a bottle of liquor and thought it was pretty, so I opened it up and took a sip. It was the grossest thing I ever did. It was vermouth. Everyone laughed at me.
This is an amazing biography … love the little sidenotes. I am also a complete lover of 'white girl' dancing and shameless karaoke
berating tourists sounds like a fun past time. i'll make sure to look for you if i'm ever in d.c.
That is great! I join in the "berating tourists" activities. WHY MUST YOU RIDE THE METRO RIGHT DURING RUSH HOUR? WHY?????
That was amazing. You are such a witty and great writer. Lol, thanks for stopping by my blog. Have a great day!
I love berating tourists! You should see the ones in New York…
That'll teach you to let your kittens drink wine from glasses. Mine quaff from little plastic beakers, less mess and much more fun.
I want to punch slow walking tourists in the back of the head. They just stand at the cross walks like the lost people that they are, and they don't move!!! And I NEED to go to work!
Gotta love DC in the summer =)
If that's not what the marketing group was expecting, well…then they don't know you well enough yet. Or at least not like your readers do.
Also, I don't know *anyone* who could pass up a triple dog dare. At least, no one who'd ever show their face again.
I triple dog dare you to moon someone on the street today.
I keed, I keed! Don't get arrested.
Puuurrrfect.
Meow.
What about your margarita-mojito-caipirinha making skills?
Since I am one of the newbies you speak of, I loved this post and getting to know more about you. The editors notes were my favorite!!!
Awesome bio, this is a sure fire winning resume that would get you into any company.
I gave you some awards… wanted to let you know! Just passing the love! Thank you for making me laugh all the time. You rock.
I wonder if you could just make a post of editor's notes. Nothing else necessary.
Very nice. My dog broke a margarita glass once. Our pets should meet.
I’m sorry I have to call you out on this but your bio is totally plagiarized from Dick Cheney’s bio from Wikipedia.
Insignificant? Never.
That was the greatest bio eva!
hilarious. now i know what southified masshole means.
i love fries. in any shape. lol. i just LOVE.
congrats, flo!
HOLY SHIT! Someone just asked you to write their bio for Okcupid. WHY THE FUCK DIDNT I THINK OF THIS?!!!!!!
Can we discuss this?! I will pay you in (sephora palettes and moroccan hair oil) shhhh….
I'm scared to visit DC now…I'll be constantly looking around to see who might be making fun of my "tourist walk".
LOVE it!!
Sweet vermouth? You RULE. Pretty much!
oh how I've missed you and your funny posts!
"enjoy French fries of all shapes and sizes."
i couldnt agree more. I LOVE french fries, cant live without them.
Hi-larious. Oh yes, and since we are moving to Charlotte,NC next year, you'll be familiar (semi at least) with the territory since you went to school not too far away? Yes. Yes.
Yay for Flo!
Otherwise, nicely done. I'll ensure we print it in the Tribune when you die…….. Or maybe I'll send it to some reporter folks in Chapel Hill?
Great bio. You should have your company include that in the annual report.
its good to have this around. i just watched a golden girls where sophia had a wake while she was alive so she'd enjoy it, and no one told the people she was still alive, so they all ended up hating her.
brilliant.
*Too soon?
Hilarious. And no. Not too soon. Perfectly suited to the insanity of those who showed up in LA with their 1980s boomboxes blasting MJ tunes outside the hospital. Not too soon at all. Perfect.
dude, i hope you have landed a book deal FOR REAL. you deserve one, you highly entertaining lady!
This is an awesome post! I am tempted to write my own biography now, complete with editorial comments. Maybe.
seriously you are a rock star.
the end.
*Never too soon!!
I was a transplanted New Yorker (upstate) in Nashville, so I feel the fun of a Yankee mixed with the grace of a Southern Bell (or, the ridiculousness of a S.B. as I encountered!!)
hehe, this is so totally you!
I freaking love it!
I loved this!
I remember when my two oldest cats (they are sisters) were kittens…oh my were they wild! Seriously, I didn't get a good night of sleep for months because of those little monsters! When my youngest one was a kitten the samething happened although he would sleep on my head or lick my ears while I was trying to sleep! They are worth it though!
Love it! I'm so proud to be a fellow Masshole!
wow, i would love to read your resume and how you fine tune that!
Love the biography and now I totally get the "South -i-fied Masshole". Have to admit I saw that before and was trying to figure it out!!
Losing so is for losers. My new life motto.
Love the biography! Damn Masshole! jk. Even though, you love the BoSox. I live in Yankee Country.
Still love you though!
I need to write a new bio for the school newsletter than goes out at the beginning of a year to calm the parents down about their new child's new teacher.
You wanna write mine? I think it would be well received.
Thanks for sharing! We are in the middle of the dreaded tourist season in Chicago right now. All the dumb fucks are walking around eating their whole buffalo legs from the Taste of Chicago, too busy devouring their food to realize they need to get the fuck out of my way!
Ha ha.
You could get paid for writing peoples obits.
that rocks!
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