Housekeeping: As you may now know, I’m in the process of moving to wordpress (any minute now!) While my url will still be http://livitluvit.com, the one problem is that if you subscribe to my posts via Google Reader or whatever, they ain’t going to show up no more.
So let’s fix that, here and now. Simply click the button below to subscribe to my NEW home via your Google or other favorite reader… thanks, lovies!
Last week, I posted my biography I’d written for a marketing company I’m working with. One of my favorite bloggers I stalk, I mean love, the gorgeous and charming Elizabeth Marie of It’s Unbeweavable!, was not the first person to consequently suggest in the comments that I write her online dating profile for her… but she was the only one who emailed me and said, “No, really… will you?”
My answer? NO DOY.
So she sent me the questions her OKCupid dating profile asks her to fill out, and away we go!
Elizabeth Marie, in a OKCupid nutshell…
1. My Self Summary
I am what I believe is scientifically referred to as “A Goddamn Ray of Sunshine.” No, really. I am the most kickass combination of delicate little flower and Z-snapping diva with a ‘tude you’ve ever met.
I adore all things hair, make up and fashion, and no, I’m not sorry. I rock a pair of heels better than a Key West drag queen. I want to hate the term “fashionista” like a restauranteur hates “foodie”, but, frankly, it describes me.
Now, my closet may be high-maintenance, but my heart is not. I only smile genuinely. I am fiercely loyal yet dangerously open, and I am a firm believer in being able to laugh at yourself.
In short, I am a girly girl, (with a side of girly), and a big ass heart. And you? Are gonna love it.
When I’m not busy dropping nuggets of fabulosity on people everywhere I go, (I don’t even know what that means!), I’m busy making the world a more beautiful place.
No, not by cleaning up highways, or convincing people to recycle.
I, my friends, am a make up artist.
(And believe me… I am doing the world a big ass favor, one slightly less busted face at a time.*)
*I’m kidding. No, really, I am. Oh, and FYI… People missing a slightly twisted sense of humor need not apply.
Singing off key and with reckless abandon, watching horrible reality TV shows to boost my self esteem, and being a stellar athlete. (Athlete = working out my right arm as it lifts delicious food and glasses of various libations to my mouth.)
Oh, and something called DSL’s, but I’m not sure what those are. Let me just Urban Dictionary that… oh my! Wildly inappropriate, yet undeniably flattering. Well, my lip gloss IS called “Orgasm“, after all…
Also, shoes.
Her homemade sangria.
A horrifically bad date every now and then to make fun of with my friends.
Lazy Sunday mornings. Preferably with a side of mimosa, please and thank you.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Mad, passionate, almost inconceivable love.
Playing as hard as I worked all week…
And definitely not wishing I was home in my bunny slippers playing Apples to Apples with my best friends. That would be ridiculous. *awkward chuckle*
8. You should message me if…
You would never wear a brown belt with black shoes, would be willing to dress up as Green Man for Halloween, and are man enough to appreciate a girly girl who isn’t going to pretend she’s something she’s not.
So, boys… what do you think? Would you *wink* at her, or whatever the hell it is you do on those sites?
Click here to read Elizabeth’s reaction to this mess of a profile I sent her. I hope she still talks to me.
{ 2 comments }
Please to forgive the copy and paste job, but blogger lost the comments from the last few posts!!!
mo.stoneskin said…
“I rock a pair of heels better than a Key West drag queen”
*ahem* Nice.
“Singing off key and with reckless abandon”
Beautifully put.
*makes mental note to use the phrase ‘reckless abandon’ at least 5 times today”
July 7, 2009 7:14 AM
pinkjellybaby said…
I love it! I’d *wink* at her…but then I’m not sure I count…
July 7, 2009 7:41 AM
Little Ms Blogger said…
I’m not a guy, but think that maybe, just maybe, the “Key West drag queen” might scare off any potential heteros.
July 7, 2009 7:45 AM
liferehab said…
I love it! I’d wink at her. If I’m ever more single again, I’m definitely asking you to write a profile for me.
July 7, 2009 7:58 AM
Fearless in Toronto said…
Do you do wedding announcements and obituaries?
July 7, 2009 8:04 AM
sarah said…
Ahem
Me next please
*hides*
July 7, 2009 8:07 AM
Eric said…
Wait, I think I know her…
Cute profile, definite winkage involved.
July 7, 2009 8:38 AM
Matt said…
You’re coming to wordpress?
it’s about time.
July 7, 2009 8:47 AM
Marie said…
Make sure you pick out her profile picture too.
July 7, 2009 8:51 AM
Mb said…
My quarterly review for work is due to my boss today. HELP!
July 7, 2009 8:59 AM
La Petite Belle said…
i totally love you. i swear, you make me laugh soo much!
July 7, 2009 9:05 AM
Jossie Posie said…
That was the best profile ever, I would would effing date her.
July 7, 2009 9:11 AM
A little about me: said…
This post has been removed by the author.
July 7, 2009 9:12 AM
cavy said…
if i ever put myself out there in the online dating world, i know who to call.
GHOSTBUSTERS!
or you.
July 7, 2009 9:21 AM
Jules said…
I’m MARRIED and want you to write one up for me!!! That’s awesome…. And it’s strange how you can get people to do things you want them to. Guess who’s uploading a video to YouTube as I write this??
July 7, 2009 9:28 AM
DouglasDyer said…
Well, I’m desperately in love with one of you. Damned if I know which.
July 7, 2009 9:36 AM
Maxie said…
if a guy can’t laugh at that, no one should want him.
well played, well played.
July 7, 2009 9:37 AM
Briana A.K.A. Breezy said…
I think it’s really good!!!
July 7, 2009 9:37 AM
Jill Pilgrim said…
Holy Mother of Jesus, you are frigging hilarious. If I weren’t already married, I would totally propose (masshole that I am, we could totally do it too!).
I love Elizabeth’s blog too! Now, I must exit to go and read her reaction.
July 7, 2009 9:43 AM
Brooke said…
Haha! That was great. It kind of makes me want to join a dating website, just so you could write a profile for me. Think my fiance would mind? (probably not)
July 7, 2009 9:44 AM
Margarita said…
Mad, passionate, inconceivable love. SATC anyone? Love this. So cute.
July 7, 2009 9:45 AM
Kristin said…
Fabulous. How someone hasn’t snatched up this incredible lady I’ll never know!
July 7, 2009 9:48 AM
moooooog35 said…
Yes…I would * wink * at her.
With my big, brown eye.
well..it’s not THAT big.
Stupid prison.
July 7, 2009 9:49 AM
Rhiccups said…
I love that you said reckless abandon. Who says that anymore? Thank God for you, Lilu,as you are bringing the awesomeness.
July 7, 2009 9:50 AM
Ela said…
Just found your blog through Elizabeth Marie’s and I absolutely love it! Links are great
I think you did a fabulous job, anyone that doesn’t *wink* at her is a doorknob.
xx Ela
http://extradots.blogspot.com/
July 7, 2009 9:53 AM
Colby said…
Consider yourself recruited. If I’m ever willing to start dating again, and I decide to do the online thing, you’re the one, baby. You could charge a fee this. Nice side gig.
July 7, 2009 9:55 AM
WickedCourtni said…
“A goddamn ray of sunshine.”
This is my self-phrase of the day.
July 7, 2009 10:06 AM
f.B said…
Rocking heels + sense of humor = ultimate win. We really are pretty easy to please.
July 7, 2009 10:07 AM
Kate said…
Um HELLO?! When are you going to do mine for match.com? I updated it last week and it STILL sucks.
July 7, 2009 10:10 AM
Jen – tsk said…
You did a fantastic job! If I were that way inclined I would definitely reply!
July 7, 2009 10:14 AM
Fizzgig said…
gasp!!!!! i met my manfriend on ok cupid!! i just liked answering the silly questions and it brought me the love of my (and his) lives aaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwww
i sapped up your comments!
July 7, 2009 10:17 AM
Lusty Reader said…
i have had “glass case of EMOtion” stuck in my head since i saw anchorman last week! i just wish i had many leather bound books and my apartment smelled of rich mahogany. but it mostly smells like mold and city-dust.
July 7, 2009 10:18 AM
Dmbosstone said…
It’s funny so I guess I’d give it a look over.
Maybe you should re-write my dating profile.
July 7, 2009 10:19 AM
Mich said…
epic!
hmmm…. maybe i should get you to write out my profile… haha
July 7, 2009 10:20 AM
JFo said…
Why did you think her type of internet connection attract potential suitors? Oh wait…
July 7, 2009 10:24 AM
drollgirl said…
the DSL line will have the boys climbing all over her.
July 7, 2009 10:29 AM
Lil’ Woman said…
Nice very nice..lol : )
July 7, 2009 10:53 AM
lifeonthelake said…
OK, now I wish I were single so you could do the same for me. But wait, you hardly know me. That CLEARLY means we need to drink together sometime. Age difference and 8000 kms apart? PSHAW!
July 7, 2009 11:08 AM
Summer said…
…dropping nuggets of fabulosity on people everywhere I go. Good Lord, you’re adorable!
July 7, 2009 11:08 AM
Summer said…
Oh, and of course I got the Ron Burgundy reference!!!
July 7, 2009 11:09 AM
Kristina P. said…
Done! She will be getting offers for booty calls in no time!
July 7, 2009 11:13 AM
Vie said…
You are totally hilarious. And should offer to do this for money. Or favors. That is totally awesome. Seriously, a little creativity goes a lonnnng way on there. I’ve been told this by every man I’ve met through there (and I’ve met….many). No lie. And I thought it was bad on our end.
OK, well, it usually is. But seriously, awesome. Hopefully she’ll intimidate the creepy losers on there now, and be left with lots of awesome.
July 7, 2009 11:15 AM
brookem said…
ha, this is great.
okcupid and i go way back. true story.
July 7, 2009 11:18 AM
Elizabeth Marie said…
If I can’t have you, THIS WILL WORK WONDERS.
High five, hoe, HIGH FIVE.
You’re totally coming to the wedding. WAIT…I think it’s time you got ordained….
July 7, 2009 11:20 AM
shine said…
Brilliant. Do you do resumes?
July 7, 2009 11:28 AM
Elle Dubya said…
where do i sign up for your services? that rocked.
July 7, 2009 11:32 AM
SkylersDad said…
I keep clicking the “stalker button” on her site but nothing happens…
Wait a minute, I have to answer the door, oh! It’s the police!
July 7, 2009 11:40 AM
K @ Blog Goggles said…
This will totally get all the boys to the yard.
July 7, 2009 11:45 AM
Liebchen said…
I smell the start of a new career. When I sign up for one of those sites, I’m emailing you pronto.
July 7, 2009 11:45 AM
peterdewolf said…
I once filled out an eharmony question thingy for a blog post. It took me FOREVER. And “Raoul” still gets emails from them.
July 7, 2009 11:47 AM
Angela said…
I actually think she’d get winked at quite a bit with that profile.
But it would be winks from creepers.
It was still funny, nonetheless!
July 7, 2009 12:06 PM
E said…
I laughed so hard I almost peed a little. When I get back into the dating world and online dating I know how I am coming to for help with my profile!
Hilarious!
July 7, 2009 12:06 PM
Larissa said…
you should do this for money on the side…id totally buy a profile from you, just to dink around with the guys on okcupid. sorry theyre idiots and I’m never going back. ever. again.
July 7, 2009 12:13 PM
Alice said…
LOVE IT. i’m a big fan of being more than a little ridiculous in online profiles.
July 7, 2009 12:16 PM
Lemmonex said…
Hope he doesn’t try to share the bed with the sister and her…
July 7, 2009 12:20 PM
katiedotcom said…
I’d do her….
…laundry.
HeyOH!
July 7, 2009 12:32 PM
Jaime said…
This. is. awesome.
July 7, 2009 12:33 PM
Andhari said…
Most def. I mean brown belt with black shoes? EW. Smart girl.
July 7, 2009 12:45 PM
alexa – cleveland’s a plum said…
so are you going to start a side business of writing these? i’ll pay!
when i decide to join an online dating site again : )
excellent job love muffin.
July 7, 2009 12:49 PM
Being Brazen said…
bwhahahaha – loved your answers. classic.
July 7, 2009 12:54 PM
The Northerner said…
haha, love it.
she is either going to get the most awesome guys or the creppiest guys to respond
July 7, 2009 1:12 PM
headbitingprincess said…
Ohhhhh my darling dear Lilu …
You are the epitome of all funniness and awesomeness !!!!!
Seriously .. all this mega amped feedback of wanting to hire you on should totally make your hot air balloon fly girl !!!!
As your self assigned blog world guidance counselor I would have to suggest you look into this other career opportunity
= D such as a department store perfume sales manager ( he he he jk jk )
Kudos on the colorful work – way to start off this week !!!!
July 7, 2009 1:27 PM
repliderium.com said…
I so want to be described as a goddamn ray of sunshine.
July 7, 2009 1:45 PM
Lisa said…
I’m now confused as to which of you in my reader is the new you. But that’s my issue.
As for the online profile – so FUN!
July 7, 2009 1:46 PM
Gabby said…
This is AMAZING! Seriously genius and I’m just jealous I didn’t ask you first.
July 7, 2009 1:58 PM
RCaitlin said…
Love it. If I had an online dating profile I would definitely enlist your help! If me and the BF break up I will be watching your blog like a hawk.
July 7, 2009 2:13 PM
Jean said…
That is very badass. I love it. Very poetic.
July 7, 2009 2:41 PM
Mike said…
I’d give her the wink after reading that. However, she’d not want anything to do with me as my profile could be summed up with one semi-word:
‘Tard.
July 7, 2009 3:09 PM
Children of the 90s said…
I love the drag queen part. It really tests the guy’s ability to not form a mental image of a huge Florida drag queen teetering in a sparkly pair of stilettos.
July 7, 2009 3:32 PM
LiLu said…
mo.stoneskin: Did you get any yet?
pjbaby: Oh, it counts. She proposed to me, after all.
LMB: Perhaps, but that’s the point. If it does? They can’t handle my girl.
liferehab: YES! Thanks love.
Fearless: Only if they’re open bar.
sarah: Haha! Love to.
Eric: Yes, her picture certainly wouldn’t hurt, as she is a QTpie.
Matt: AGREED.
Marie: Big hair, and bigger cleavage.
Mb: *ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
La PB: Aww, thank you! We need to have a drinkie soon!
Jossie: Right??
ALA Me: Why’d you delete? *sniff*
cavy: SAME DIFF.
Jules: YESSSS! Ahahaha I can’t wait to see it!
DouglasDyer: Can’t it be both?
Maxie: Agreed.
Briana: Thanks love!
Jill Pilgrim: I should start keeping a tally of the proposals I get from this blog…
Brooke: Nahhh. As long as it was for blog fodder, right?
Margarita: I was channeling a little Carrie there, wasn’t I?
Kristin: Me either… it’s just a matter of time now!
moog: Wouldn’t it be BIGGER after… stopping now.
Rhiccups: I say that like twice a day. Is that weird? Oops.
Ela: Yay! Thanks for stopping by! Preesh.
Colby: I know, right? Forget real work!
Courtni: It’s a good one.
f.B: There is truth in what you say.
Kate: Yours? Sucks? I don’t believe it for a second.
jen-tsk: I’m calling that a WIN.
Fizzgig: Ooo, I hope Liz reads your comment! There is hope yet!
Lusty: Not a dirty diaper filled with Indian food?
Dmbosstone: Don’t sound SO enthusiastic.
Mich: Bring out your inner LiLu (crazy)! I believe in you…
JFo: I’m confused…
drollgirl: Ha! I know. It’s a bit too far, but I couldn’t help it.
Lil’ Woman: Thank you, my dear.
lifeotl: Drinking together seems like a MUST… screw distance!
Summer: Haha, thanks love!
Kristina P: This I believe.
Vie: Can’t it be money AND favors?
brookem: So Lemmy told me! I had no idea…
Eliz Marie: *high fives* Off to get ordained…
shine: Wait, that’s real world stuff. Too complicated.
Elle Dubya: On the dotted line. Of a check. For a million dollars. kthx!
SkylersDad: I keep telling her to have that fixed…
K @ BG: Between this and the milkshake, it has to.
Liebchen: Done and done.
peterdewolf: “RAOUL”?? I love you.
Angela: MOSTLY creepers… and her SOUL MATE!!
E: YES! Glad you enjoyed
Larissa: I don’t blame you… I don’t know if I could do it.
Alice: If you can’t have some fun with it…
Lemmonex: Ha- I thought of that after I published it…
katiedotcom: Love you bunches.
Jaime: YES! Thank you!
Andhari: I know, right? Vomitous. But it HAPPENS.
alexa: I’ll be here… waiting… creepily.
Brazen: Thanks
Northerner: Can’t it be both…?
hbprincess: “Colorful work” is right.
repliderium: Don’t we all. Sigh.
Lisa: It should still be the old one… my domain is taking FOREVER to move over…
Gabby: Haha- she is a thinker, that sister of yours!
RCaitlin: Or just ask… I’m very willing. TWSS.
Jean: “Poetic”, huh? Love it
Mike: “Semi-word”… how appropriate.
Children90s: 8 feet tall with those heels…
July 7, 2009 3:44 PM
Shevonne said…
I re-added you to my Google Reader. =D
If I were a guy, I would wink!
July 7, 2009 3:56 PM
Dream Sequins said…
Nice job on that profile, ladies.
July 7, 2009 4:00 PM
amanda said…
i’d totally date her. and hope to score. mmmhmmm.
July 7, 2009 4:19 PM
Lady Jane said…
You could make some serious money from this shit!! For real! You should start a website and start charging…now that everyone knows your mad skillz!
July 7, 2009 4:39 PM
buffalodick said…
Last time I met someone that ingredible, I vaguely remember a price list with a lot of zeros behind the numbers….
July 7, 2009 5:03 PM
Nikki said…
Oh do mine too please! Oh wait…am married. Forgot!
Love it, she is sure to find Mr. Right. Thanks cupid Lilu.
July 7, 2009 5:16 PM
Karen said…
Can we get a follow up on how it does?! I’d love to hear some of the responses!
Now I have Will Ferrell screaming in my head. “He punted Baxter!” Guess I’ll be watching Anchorman tonight…
July 7, 2009 5:42 PM
Elizabeth Marie said…
Oh a follow up on how this works…excellent idea! I’m on it!
I LOVE YOU HOE!
July 7, 2009 6:04 PM
Jaime said…
hahahah thats histarical! I LOVE IT!
July 7, 2009 6:11 PM
redhead said…
Do me! Do me! (I mean my online profile.)
Did you know I paid Evan Mark Katz $297 for online profile advice? Yeah, I do a lot of stoopid things.
July 7, 2009 6:12 PM
Sarah said…
This should be your full-time job. But can you have B write the men’s profiles too? Thanks!
July 7, 2009 6:14 PM
Hanako66 said…
omg you are effing amazing!
July 7, 2009 6:17 PM
theblacktulip said…
I would totally wink at her…if I were a dude looking for a kick ass girl…actually I would just wink at her due to the “fabulosity” – a girls gotta give credit where credit is due…and it’s due all over the place (that kinda sounds dirty, sorry)
July 7, 2009 6:50 PM
Katelin said…
haha this is amazing. if i were a guy i would totally wink, whatever that means.
July 7, 2009 7:53 PM
Brown Girl said…
That was so great, literally priceless poetry to my ears!
July 7, 2009 8:29 PM
Cheddar said…
If I ever decide that I am mature enough to want to look at a boy’s face everyday, you are so writing my online dating profile. It might also be because I’m lazy.
Also, this whole Pacific time + actual work I want to do at my job thing is really throwing a wrench in my commenting routine. Better late than never. Or something.
July 7, 2009 8:32 PM
StartingOver@28 said…
Love it. Love it. Someday, when I am ready, I will totally have you write mine too! ha.
I am sure you can incorporate; don’t mind the ass load of baggage that comes with this one boys, she is a real treat!
July 7, 2009 9:10 PM
Julie Q said…
Apples to Apples is SUCH a fun game! I’d date her.
July 7, 2009 9:44 PM
JFo said…
You just missed out on a horrible pun on DSL. Nothing significant, ha ha.
July 7, 2009 10:31 PM
mylittlebecky said…
very well done! i’m glad mine worked on chuck. it was lame. i think the boobs helped though.
July 7, 2009 10:38 PM
Awesome Sara said…
u are like the coolest person ever!!!!
July 7, 2009 11:04 PM
Debbi said…
*I* would totally wink at you. And I’m sad that, as urbanly hip as I am, I did NOT know what DSLs were.
ahem.
nice.
July 8, 2009 12:04 AM
Sarah said…
Good lord, you have to answer all those questions to be on an online dating site? If (or maybe it’s when?) I decide to go that route, you are definitely writing mine!
July 8, 2009 12:43 AM
Blondie said…
you could make a living blogging I swear. You are that damn good. When I start dating again I know who to call!
July 8, 2009 6:55 AM
Miss Tricky said…
well played, as usual.
July 8, 2009 9:43 AM
Marjorie said…
Wow, you should totally rent out your services! I would have paid you to write my online dating profile in a hearbeat!!!
July 8, 2009 10:15 AM
Very nice. Thank you for the laughs.