All right, y’all know the drill. Here’s a taste of some of the ridiculous stuff that comes out of the mouth of the one I love, for your enjoyment. (Past “Shiz My BF Says” are here.)
And thanks for putting up with all my schmoop yesterday… I’m pretty sure I’ve got it out of my system now.
Let’s DO it!
As B picks up Axe Murderer…
B: Goddamit! Why does she fart every time I pick her up?? Right down my throat! It’s a lingerer too.
(Pauses, and his face turns surprisingly contemplative as he turns to me…)
B: I’m not even mad, I’m impressed! Bump it!
Notice how I didn’t say anything… I was too busy laughing my ass off to speak. I DID bump it, though. I bumped it hard.
On the couch…
LiLu: How much do you love me?B: How much do I love you? Right now, I am holding in the BIGGEST fart in the world. Like, would have cleared the room and burned your nose big. It would have ruined your night. That’s how much I love you.
LiLu: Awww, well go over there and let it out, baby!
B: I can’t. I’ve held it in twice now and I might poop myself.
Last night, while getting drinks in the bar where we met:
B: Today I was at this meeting with [huge company], and ALL the CEOs were mimbos!LiLu: Well, it’s been shown that attractive people tend to go farther in the work place.
B: Exactly. THAT’S what I need to do… get better looking! Not get smarter… not more degrees… BETTER LOOKING.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Five minutes ago, as he’s getting ready for work (I have the day off…)
LiLu: Don’t go to work, baby! Stay home and do me all day!B: I’d like to darling… but instead, I’m going to go to work and learn about life insurance! Wooooo!
Can’t you just smell the sarcasm?
B: Do you know how gay I am? I may have just listened to Lady Gaga on your pink fucking ipod while walking to work. Yeah, I have a vagina.
Well, I’m off… my hoes are coming to town and our only goals this weekend are to A) Get wasted, B) Have a dance party during which we record our rap, and C) Hopefully inspire some bombass new TMI Thursday stories for y’all.
Oh, and just for you, Mr. C, B will be guest posting for me next week… and it is HILARIOUS.
Have a great weekend, lovenuggets!
{ 91 comments }
I love B. I have got to spend more time talking to him when we're out!
And…you bitches need to make it to NE at some point tomorrow. We're gonna have a keg and jungle juice.
Love you bish!
Dude, really, tell B. holding in THOSE farts too long is like harnassing a nuclear bomb. Either the room dissolves on its expulsion or his innards are soup if he holds it. Either way, EWW!
If holding in farts signifies love, then goddamn… I must love everyone.
you betta have some insane accessories to thug up our ensembles.
You gotta check your kittens diet- farts every time they get picked up? What an odd display of affection, I mean we can see B doesn't fart to show his love…
I'm so glad you posted Shiz today! Last night my darling husband and I had this lovely conversation:
A: Give me a BJ
J: I can't, I just brushed my teeth
A: Yes you can, cum has flouride
And I thought of you. Because it sounds like a conversation you two would have
I'm looking forward to YET ANOTHER awesome video of 2009!! X
I knew this guy that listened to a pink ipod too. It was his 'girlfriends'.
Uh-huh, riiiight. We never let him live it down!
Anyways, B sounds like quite the riot to live with
im so jealous of your fridays off!
and b cracks me up.
have a great weekend with the girls!
B makes me laugh!
Happy weekend!
You and B seem like the perfect match…which is funny, cause you're both sort of…unique sounding. (In a good way!!) I love reading your conversations- they always make me laugh. Here's to all us single girls finding their B!
You can let him know he doesn't have a vagina.
It's called a mangina.
Lady Gaga on a pink iPod? Maybe he should yell out sporty things once in awhile so he can pretend to be a manly-man listening to the game.
He doesn't stroll through the apartment humming Monty Python's Lumberjack does he?
Have a great weekend…make sure you don't get too drunk, I want to hear about all the things you did to embarrass yourself this weekend.
The farting. It's always about the farting.
hahah, have a great weekend! ps-men && farting=their life.
hilarious as always!
life insurance over sex? that's a first!
I only wish the Duke would keep in a tenth of his farts…but he is just WAY to proud of them! Have fun tonight! Just don't get so drunk that you fall down and have to go to the hospital, just sayin'…. Get drunk just don't fall…yeah that sounds better!!
That might be the best answer to "how much do you love me" that I've heard in a long time. Love it.
This post just made my Friday Morning!
The other night, Lily decided she needed to climb all over my pillow while my face was resting on it and let one nasty ass fart go…
Wench.
Is it weird that Shiz My Boyfriend Says makes me want a B of my own? If only I had someone to talk about animal farts and fist bump with, my life would be complete.
Have a great weekend! I can't wait to see the tweets that come out that triumvirate of awesome future MCs.
True love is when a man will separate his ass cheeks so that when he DOES fart, you never, ever know.
It takes a big man to separate his ass cheeks.
Or a gay one.
Whatever.
B is da man! I can't say it enough. And he does love you that much to be holding it in TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!! That's like carrying a lump in your throat, when you want to cry and let go or whatever mushiness like that, but… from the butt. Out of happiness. Glorious!
Nothing says love like holding in farts!
i am so excited to see this new rap, i can't even tell you.
i hadn't considered that one bonus of being single: letting out all the farts
Oh shit…gutbusting hilarious!!..loved it
Let B know that Pink is the new power color…should make him feel better and less worried about him havign a vagina…lol.
Haha, I particularly like the comment about going to work to learn about life insurance. Men are great for a laugh (particularly the ones that have very little to no filter).
Tell B to make sure he takes care of his new vagina!
who say's romance is dead. It's alive and well in your house.
You know what the say… the family that laughs together.
Enjoy your weekend.. and get too drunk
As always gotta love the shiz your boyfriend says. It is just too funny. I think I am laughing so hard I'm crying at the moment. Awesomeness.
You two have the BEST conversations!!!
Lady Gaga on a pink ipod. I love it. When we were at the movies, I swear I saw the formation of glistening tears in my boyfriend's eyes during the preview for My Sister's Keeper, though he denies it. His contacts just tend to act up during highly emotional Lifetime movie-style previews. Obviously.
Love it! Boyfriends are the best.
Enjoy girl weekend! I wanna come for a drunken dance party!
Hi!
I just found your blog from 20SB and I LOVE IT!
Just wanted to tell you that, sure you hear it all the time.
Take care!
A new fan
Lara
Thanks for making my Friday. I love you guys, too funny!
holding it in always makes it worse in the end. just a reminder for y'all.
also loved the part about the pink ipod.
I love your boyfriend.
Haha woo hoo, I have a feeling that B won't let us down, you f*ckin champion.
have a fantastic weekend with your friend (or hoes)!
Any man who will hold in his farts for you – my guy does, too – is worth keeping around.
B sounds amazing, LOL!! Have a great weekend!
Lately Branner will not. stop. farting. It's like he's stashed away a gang of refried beans and nibbling at them every time I turn around, just to let loose when he hops up on the couch or sits down.
Yeah, sits down. He just sat down and that process squeezed out a mini fart.
Totally oblivious.
Given B's propensity to farting fart jokes and poop jokes, I believe he's part of my family. Here are the brothers from youngest to oldest:
B
Me
Mooooooog
Awesome.
God I love your Stanley Walker, Karen. Where are his pictures?
And PS: this made me vomit. Too sweet!
HILARIOUS!!! I love the "I love you enough to hold this fart in" comment, as well as the "Lady Gaga" story! LOL
You two are perfect for each other, and I mean that in the best possible way.
xoxo
lol
I love these
have a great weekend!
Fabulous! Seriously, come over for a drink, I am like 6 blocks away with a full bar!
You're my HOE! And I want to find a lover like yourrrrs.
happy weekend and cheers to drunk twittering in our future!
My bf thinks farting is an art form, very romantic indeed. Other girls get roses or chocolates, we get guys that occasionally hold their flatus in. *love*
I cant wait to meet the 2 of you.
<3
Oh man! You have a GREAT blog! Hilarious!! I knew this one kid in my Bio class who sang "Poker Face" by Lady GaGa & I still question him. Sounds like you're gonna have a fun weekend! :]
Holding in farts is an "I love you" in this apartment as well.
After lurking for a few months and wishing I was half as funny as you were, I had to comment on this one, because my boyfriend often asks why our 'kitten' (term used loosely, he was 15 lbs last time we took him to the vet – he's barely over a year old) farts EVERY SINGLE TIME he picks him up. Without fail.
I'm glad it's not just ours that is ultra gassy.
I hope B realizes at some point that being gay and having a vagina are two VERY different things.
Sooo funny!!!
Bwahahaha! Now THAT is total true love.
My hubs must love me too b/c he never farts in front of me. Thank goodness. I think it would totally ruin my impression of him. Haha! 
Lovenugget.
It makes me think of someone taking a crap on someone by accident (or on purpose) the person freaking out, and the "crapper" saying…
.."Babe, it's a love nugget"
if B finds someone who gives mimbo classes, tell him to grab me a business card, too. i gotta mimbo-up!
Does B have a brother, cousin or any distant relative that's as good looking, as funny, as smart-ass, that you can intro me too? or perhaps an almost exact replica of B wont hurt. of course, your B can be slightly better than the replica guy that you're gonna hand over to me, provided that the replica guy is really good in bed. bwah ha ha.
Is it possible to rent 'B' for the night? day? rest of my life?! hehe
Axe Murderer is a cutie!
hiiI! i left u an award on my page!
The fart one cracked me up . . . mainly bcos the one thing i am totally anal about is people not farting . . . so i found that extra funny for some reason!
Oh, the good ol fart stories. Here is mine: Newly married and laying in my parents guest room when my sweet, innocent husband lets out the biggest RIIIIIPPPPPPP… Disgusted, that I just married a, well, man who "toots," I say, What were you thinking? He proudly exclaims, "Just markin my territory…"
OOOOOOHHHHHH. Still married to his stinky ass after 15 years… I guess he really did mark his territory!
i love B
haha these are awesome as always.
Love the fact that kitty farts can be that much of killer!
Also, tell B not to hold them in too long. The way you stock your apartment with TP he could be in real trouble (fyi…kitties, although white & fluffy like TP are NOT TP)
i love it! my relationship with favorite guy is the same… ain't it great?
i actually just found a valentine's day card i was going to give him 2 years ago, but never did.
my closing line was, "by the way, thanks for the shaky knees" which was a reference to our "first time" because when we were done i said "my knees are shaking".
THAT'S HOW WE DO!!!
hahahahahahaha
I know what he means about the farting. That IS LOVE right there!
Only *real* men listen to Lady Gaga on a pink iPod. Or maybe it's only *gay* men listen to Lady Gaga on a pink iPod….I'm not sure how that saying goes. (either way I'm sure it's just a sign of his awesomeness)
What I am sure of is that B is very lucky to have you…otherwise we would never know how hilarious he is. So thank YOU!
You all should have a sitcom. Call it B'n LiLu. (Get it? BeING LiLu?)
DUH!
You are soooo lucky he is holding in those FARTS, just wait unitl that lovely courtesy ends, YUCK!!
Awww. Someone wants a pink iPod for Christmas!
Bahahaha, OMG thank your for the ab work out. Funny shiz for sure!
Haha I love when you post these. Hilarious. By the way, I gave you something. Check out my blog to see what it is.
Was that a chest bump or a fist bump? Did he call you dude?
i love relationships that consist of farts and poop.
i've had those 'how much i love you moments' they are sweet in a silly kinda way!
haha i fucking love it
i can only hope to inspire to have a relationship of this hilarity one day in my life.
I love boyfriends who say stuff like this. I need to start writing down what mine says because sometimes he's pretty damn hilarious!
Dude, where can I meet some mimbos? I think they would greatly enhance my life-hilarity scale.
lol what kind of girl wouldnt want he guy to have a wee bit of vagina and listening to lady gaga? He's a keeper.
the two of you are ADORABLE
You two are hilarious! You're inspiring me to take note of the bizarre things that happen in my life too.
What do I have to do around here to bag someone like B? Can I borrow him for a day?
So does he have a vag?
just wonderin'.
PQ: Love you too, darlin! I know it was fab
Veggie: I'm totally okay with his innards being soup. Just sayin.
Badass Geek: Love all around!
cavy: Thug FAIL.
Dmbosstone: I know, you'd think they would learn…
The Northerner: HAHAHA!!! YES, that sounds exactly like something from our apartment!
jen-tsk: Video FAIL. We tried… we did not conquer.
Taylor: He keeps me laughing. I can't deny it
brookem: It was too good. No, REALLY… my head hurts.
Lexiloo: Me, too. Hope yours was fan!
tgggb: We are nothing if not unique…
Svaha: How did you know??
BS&BC: I hope visual evidence is enough…
Kate: Truth.
Nickie: I know. Sigh.
Katie: Thanks love.
Caroline: Stupid 'jobs' and needing 'salaries'!
Lady: Oh man- your fall is enough to scare me from heels for life!
Liebchen: Amen.
Isley: Aw, thanks!
Deutlich: It's seriously like a sneak attack! How do they DO it?
Cheddar: Maxie's tweets were way better than mine… I was manning the camera.
moog: Awwwwwwwww. Schmoop!
PorkStar: Glorious, indeed.
SkylersDad: It is the holy fart of love. What?
Alice: Jeallllousssss…
jeluttrull: I wear the vagina in this relationship!
Ashley: Filter? What's a filter?
repliderium: Men already get their period, I swear…
Lisa Chelle: Done. And DONE.
vazenchick: Don't cry! Or is it from the fart?
Jules: We are so very special…
Children 90s: If only I could get B to watch a Lifetime movie!
justatitch: There were many. SO many.
Shopaholic: Aw, yay! I'm so glad to hear that!
Blondie: You are WELCOME.
Kim: That's why I told him to go let it out!
Kristina P: You and me both, my dear.
Mr. C: You're going to LOVE it.
d&o chic: Done and DONE.
amindinmotown: It's pretty much the golden rule, isn't it?
lovelila: You too, my dear!
DShan: What is WRONG with these creatures???
Mike: Christmas is a damn smelly affair in that family.
Demigod: Ha! My work here is done, then.
reederscorner: I can't make this up!
verybadcat: It's undeniable, for sure.
Hanako66: Thanks, love.
Desiree: Oh man, I should have… I needed it!
Elizabeth Marie: YES!!! Say yes to drunk twittering!
Erica: And I kind of love it. Chocolates are overrated.
WickedCourtni: Likewise, my love. Likewise.
mollymouse: Aw, yay! Thanks so much… and I sure did.
Sarah, TNG: I knew you'd get it.
Morgan: I'm so glad you finally commented, love! HI!!! (Yes I am a dork… but you knew that already.)
Fearless: Technicalities.
Marissa: Haha- thanks!
Kellie: He NEVER farts in front of you?? I don't know how this multi-marriage is gonna work…
Katie: EXACTLY what I was going for.
f.B: You couldn't mimbo if you tried. Too smart.
tgis: Just a sister… who's getting married. Don't think she's your type…
Serena: He's all mine, darlin! Sorry!
Alex: That she is. Albeit evil.
The NB: Aw, thank you SO much! You are the best!
P: Ha! Well I'm glad
Sweet Caroline: He marked it GOOD.
miss rambles: Me, too, dear.
Katelin: Thanks darlin!
LMB: Oh, you're a day late with that tip…
GEM: Hahahaha I LOVE IT!!!
Wearing Mascara: Truly!
theblacktulip: I'll let him know…
Katie: YES! You are so PUNNY! Haha!
Lucy: Nooooooooooo… it's been a year now! Isn't that enough?
Rachel: He already uses mine almost every day..
Keeley: Ha! You are welcome!
Michelle: Oooo, can't wait…
Kristin: FIST bump. My girls don't bump.
floreta: Exactly! Silly makes the world go round… at least MY world.
Krystyna: Aw, you will, love.
EP: Do it… it is PRICELESS.
K @ Blog Goggles: What life wouldn't be made better by some mimbos??
Andhari: That he is, my dear.
meleah: Or "special"… I like your way better.
Elizabeth: Do it! You will be surprised at how awesome it is…
Demigoddess: A day? We might be able to work something out…
JPP: I don't swing that way… I love the cawk too damn much.
He cracks me up… I'm gonna have to back track and read some of the old editions!
LOL wow this sounds a lot like the stuff my BF says. It's totally a boy thing lol.