First things first… I’d like to extend my most heartfelt thanks to everyone who sent me an inquiry via a myriad of technological methods, asking after me and mine in light of the Metro crash yesterday. (Amazing/horrifying WaPo pictures here.) Your thoughtfulness is truly overwhelming. Although B and I have many friends who commute on the Red Line, everyone has been accounted for… though the loved ones of at least seven others (as of 8am Tuesday, according to the Mayor) were not so lucky.
I walk around this city every day feeling completely safe, as though no harm could possibly come to me. Those cabs speeding around corners wouldn’t ACTUALLY hit me, right? Those double decker busses taking out tourists… that’s just a myth, isn’t it? METRO CARS DON’T REALLY COLLIDE, RIGHT?!?
My neighborhood, Shaw, is far from the safest in DC… but I trot home, day or night, without so much as a glance over my shoulder. I feel (felt) 100% safe here, even though I absolutely should not. Though it might seem like I can’t go to a bar without running into a friend, this is not a little podunk town where everybody knows my name… this is a Real City where Real Shit Happens. And I forget that.
It’s a wake up call in a few ways, actually. It may be twisted to think of it this way, but no tragedy occurs without the silver lining of reminding those of us still here that Life. Is. SHORT. Any of us could be gone in the blink of a Metro car that plows into the back of another train.
And as “too soon” as it may be… that reminder is the last push I needed in a battle I’ve been preparing to fight.
You see, I’ve been struggling. I’m sure some of you that read here, that see my Twitterings about the ‘too much fun’ I’m having think, ‘Just reading about this is exhausting… when does she stop?’
The answer is, I don’t. And all this funsies and debauchery, it comes with a price.
I pretend to be invincible, but the reality is that I’ve lost control over many aspects of my life. Maybe it’s that being in a relationship that was so easy and comfortable, I expected the rest of my life to follow suit… but over the past few weeks, I’ve had a rude awakening. And it’s time for me to listen to, well, myself.
I may not be able to control the Metro, or whether I get jumped in Adams Morgan one night. But yesterday, something snapped in me. I need to take back control of the things that I CAN have power over in my life.
The truth is, I haven’t felt good for a long time… inside and out. I feel sloppy, disoriented, stressed out. My body is angry with me for the things I put it through… and so, for that matter, is my wallet.
I cannot down cheeseburgers and booze all the time and expect to lose the ten pounds that have been haunting me.
I cannot never say ‘No’ to hanging with a friend and expect my bills to pay themselves.
I cannot sit on my ass and wait for my life to magically take direction on its own.
I wrote a couple weeks ago that I wasn’t burning out… and when it comes to writing, I’m not. But I AM burnt out on this thing called life, physically. I am tired of being drained, hungover, bloated. After the past few weekends, my liver has sent me a letter of resignation… and I am inclined, for the first time in my life, to accept. I feel too weak to argue… and I miss feeling strong, healthy, clean inside.
Forget something… everything’s gotta give. And I’m finally ready to grab whatever I need to by the balls and make it happen.
{ 152 comments }
Sometimes you just need a break, take it easy on yourself.
lots of hugs
I am so glad to see that you are ok! I thought about both you and B last night when I read the news. It is an eye-opener when something like that hits so close to home and it makes you want to do something better for yourself and for others. Don't beat yourself up though. If you are feeling bad about some things in your life, then just make the necessary steps to start to change them. it won't happen over night, just remember that. Baby Steps my dear! Good luck and I wish you the best!
And the families of the victims are in my thoughts. I am sure DC is a very somber city right now.
Yesterday was very startling. I found myself totally sucked in to all the coverage. Just the randomness of life can be overwhelming sometimes. One second you are sitting in your set on a train, listening to your iPod, reading the Express…the next second you are laying on the tracks. Unthinkable.
And as far as the other stuff…I know. I finally mean it when I say I am taking it easy this weekend.
This is a realization I've been having lately too. I can't control the freak things in life that can happen, but I've also been a little too relaxed with the things I can control – like my health, and remembering to pull the 'chute.
Glad to hear you're okay!
Glad you and your loved ones are alright – thought of you yesterday!
i'm so, so glad you two are alive and good. a school friend who lives in DC had me call her parents to say she were okay because the phones were jammed. i'll never forget the breathless and choked up "OH THANK GOD!" coming through the phone.
and lady, you do whatever you have to do. our pockets aren't bottomless and our bodies aren't indestructible. a break is definitely in store for me as well. luff you.
A little "me" time (or a lot, for chill-out whores like me) is always good for recharging and reinventing.
And I'm glad you and your posse are okay.
Listen to your body– it doesn't like booze and burgers ALL the time! Good luck on your attempt to change!
i feel you. my wallet needs a break. maybe in july.
It's scary to hear that such things can happen, especially when it's right in your home. I'm glad that you're okay and that this seems to have lead to your final decision to get a healthier lifestyle (though I am guessing you would have eventually come to this conclusion anyways). Best of luck to you.
You've got both feet on the ground now. Just keep on walking and you'll be okay.
I know how you feel. Somethings always gotta give as far as our bodys are concerned? We are not 19 years old anymore.
There's only so much we can put it through until we reach that breaking point.
I spend some me time at home reading books. It helps to just unwind for a couple of weeks.
Such a shocking experience really does remind us of our own mortality no?
We're all really very fragile. And we forget that.
Good luck, I know how it feels to just reach a point where you just feel enough is enough. Take care of your body and mind. You only have one of each after all!
x
I thought about you and Lemmonex and everyone I know in Washington, DC yesterday when I heard about the Metro crash. During my five years in the District, two other crashes happened, but none as fatal or frightening as this. I can't imagine what the city is like right now.
While I often try to adopt the mindset of living large, taking advantage of every opportunity, trying to squeeze in as much as humanly possible so as to experience EVERYthing… I think there's a limit. You've reached yours. Ain't nothing bad about it.
Take care of you. And big hugs from Boston.
Wow. I had the same realization when I was in my 20's living the DC lifestyle. It's hard on your liver and bank account.
Step back. Take a walk. Drink some water. Breathe. You'll be okay.
I saw the headlines and thought of you! Thank goodness you're ok!
I totally get what you're saying about making a few changes and ya know, you will love it. To feel happy, healthy and in control is the best. I can't say I'm completely there but somewhat better and even a little change goes a long way. Good luck to you.
I know exactly where you are coming from. I love going out and everything, but I value feeling good above everything. There really is something to be said for feeling healthy and strong, waking up refreshed, etc. Don't be so hard on yourself though! At least you recognize that you want that feeling. A lot of people our age don't even realize what feeling good actually means. And you truly are a great writer!!
I agree! The every weekend going out and raising hell has cost me hundreds of dollars and an easy 30 lbs. Not cool. I realized this about 2 weeks ago and have made it my mission to tome it down.
Just remember most super hero characters are made up and real people need downtime to decompress.
Carve out time for yourself, eat healthy 3/4 x week – basically refuel you.
Glad to hear you're safe and everyone you know is too.
u can't be super woman all the time even she must hve to detox. so take your time.breath. look after you.
I'm so glad to hear that you and those close to you are okay after the awful accident. That said, take the time to take care of yourself, your body will thank you in the long run
Put your arms around your monitor. Feel that? That's me sending a hug through the interwebs.
Hang in there, chicka. We're here for you.
understand wholly.
and that was very nicely written and well put.
Getting a hold of the things you can control and not worrying about anything you can't is probably a lesson a lot of us should learn. I've been thinking about that a lot with the whole moving back across the country thing happening. I think it'll be good to start new.
Glad y'all are okay and hang in there. I hear flying under the radar can be fun.
Darlin'? This is what it means to grow up. When you realize that you can't booze it up every weekend and run and run and run with no consequences. You've mentioned that sometimes the best day is one spent snuggling with B on the couch. That's what you do when you finally realize what's most important to you.
You'll figure it out. And that doesn't mean the fun stops. It just means the fun changes. And it's more and more glorious every day that you grasp it.
I was reading this book about cognitive behavioral therapy techniques (for book club with my mom and sister). Basically, the theory is that anything you do for four days straight starts to feel like a habit to your body. So you set these small four-day goals (my first one was to drink at least a liter of water everyday). And after each day that you complete the goal, you get a small reward. After the fourth day, you get a slightly larger reward.
The first reward that came to mind? I get to say no when someone asks me to do something this week.
I think that's probably me trying to tell myself something.
That and I puked on my pretty pink shoes last Thursday (the evening should probably never start with tequila, involve flippy cup, and end with gin and tonics…).
Ah woman…I know that realization all too well…I have had it as recently as last week…(ER/leg incident). I struggle between "living life to the fullest" and "taking care of my body/mind so I have a life to live to the fullest". The second one is the best…but the hardest. Sheesh…
i must admit i did think of you when i heard the train news and glad to know you're ok. (i took into account your walking 4 miles a day and thought you were safe but you never know!)
good for you for taking care of yourself though.. i could not do the party life nor do i have the inclinations to. maybe you can take up yoga!
Your acknowledgment towards needing a break is just the beginning. Good for you!!
I have tagged you for the Honest Scrap Award!! Check out my posting http://ladytellsall.blogspot.com/2009/06/awards-awards.html.
I know all of these feelings far too well. I am sure you know what I am talking about. Your feeling of safety can be taken away at any given moment, and it's really hard when you have to step back every few seconds just to take another look at something.
I personally cannot walk day or night in my city without my heart beating out of my chest, or turning around real quick thinking that I am being followed. People look at me like I am nuts. Maybe I am nuts. In fact, I know I am nuts, because no one is following me. No one is out there being sketchy, in the sense of trying to harm me or stalk me, or whatever else might be going through my little brain that moment. But at least I know, if someone WAS following me, I am too paranoid not to know.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately – my safety really had been taken for granted, and though I had to go through a horribly shitty experience just to realize that I might not be as safe as I once thought I was, I guess I am glad that I was able to open my eyes and realize that I really shouldn't walk home alone at 2am, because I am not invincible.
On another note, I had been feeling the same way lately – drained. It's left me bummed most of the time, too, which sucks. I basically stopped drinking like I used to, which has actually made the few occasions I have drank in the past few months actually fun. You know that feeling when you are sixteen and you have like a sip of vodka and you are wasted and having a blast? That happens to me once a month, now. I can't complain!
Take it easy. Take some "me" time. Pick out a new hobby to invest time in, your mood will reflect the changes.
wow im so glad u are okay!
i hear you on how ur feeling… it will be okay eventually, maybe not now, but soon.
Thank God. I won't lie: sometimes I read your recaps and I'm just like "Jesus H, how can this girl afford to do all this… financially, emotionally and physically?!"
I'm proud of you, girlie. When fun starts feeling like work… yeah, that's no good.
I know what you mean about feeling direction-less, waiting for life to shape up for you… the sad reality seems to be that won't happen. You need to shape it. And that can suck a lot sometimes.
Anyway, good luck gettin' it together. I know you will!!
You're very welcome
! And you can gladly step in to a day at my office anytime. It's a little bit like an episode of Real Housewives of NJ…minus the mafia connections and with lots of real estate talk. Painful!!! haha
Glad to hear that you're okay!
I sooo know the feeling of being burnt out with life and needing to make some changes. I wasn't in my 20s yet, when I finally just snapped and it had nothing to do with not being responsible, just being unhappy with where I was in life, period.
I ended up moving away for a year, and now that I'm back in my homestate, I feel like I've changed for the better, and my outlook on life has improved a lot. Like, to the point where people close to me can't understand how I take everything in stride because they would be freaking out about it. (It gets annoying when they tell me what I "should" be feeling, but sorry, I'd rather NOT feel negatively about something I KNOW I have a plan for, so blah)
Anyway, the point of that was some times you do need to give yourself a break, a lot of times, people realize it when the shit hits the fan. Take care of yourself! It's okay to run through fields of yellow daisies…just be sure you're aware of the bees flying around… (Bees + daisies? Yes? I dunno, I think it makes sense, lol)
Rejuvenating breaks are good and necessary.
Take care, lovey.
a few months ago i didn't drink for almost 30 days and while it was easier than i thought it would be how great i felt was the real awesome sauce.
and ive changed my habits since then. like i usually only drink one night a weekend and one night during the week. it works for me, i don't feel like crap all week, i don't eat like crap all week and it make a huge difference.
maybe lay low for a couple of weekends, cause you are right – you are most important, your own health.
When was it that we realized that having fun wasn't like it was back in college?
We are growing up LiLu, that means we have to take a break sometimes and there's nothing wrong with that.
Just don't get too old too quick!
man lilu, you rock. i wish you LOTS of luck in your endeavor!
I understand where you're coming from. With my new schedule I feel so unhealthy!
Good luck!
I'm glad you're okay! That's so scary. Take care of yourself!
I felt worried about all of you DC bloggers yesterday!
It's amazing how events like this can change our perspective. I hope your new turn finds you that happiness!
thank goodness you and everyone you love are ok!
so whats the plan to "make things better"?
I'm glad to here that you're safe. It's always scary when something like this jolts you back to reality, especially so close to home. I always try to remind myself that my actual chances of being caught in a disaster like that are very slim, but it's still scary.
Growing up (even if we're technically already supposed to be grown-ups) sucks sometimes, but it's all moderation. As long as you can balance the fun with the grown-up bill-paying and other forms of torture, it usually works out okay.
I totally need to High 5 you!!
You've done some really amazing posts lately (i.e more than just funny stuff – although the funny stuff is fantabulous!!) and I commend you for it!!
Everyone gets burnt (or is that burned?) out eventually – life can get too much – but you just have to take the time to realise you're overdoing things! Like you have…because you are super splendid!! (Obviously!).
The DC crash actually made our news this morning – and it wasn't even international news!! Glad you're ok x
I went through that when I lived there in my twenties too. Meg and I started working out more and cut the boozing down by a couple times a week. Oh and the chocolate chip cookies and apple martini dinners got replaced by at least a few square meals. Don't be too hard on yourself. You recognize that you're burning out and are doing something about it. : )
Good for you, lady, for listening to your body. I wish you luck with your break. (And I'm very happy to hear that you and your loved ones are all okay!)
I've been doing the running / swimming thing for a while. Feel gross if I miss it for too long.
Now the drinking, I'm not sure about totally giving up *my precious* yet… lol
Unfortunately you can only party hard and eat crap regularly for so long. I realized this recently too. I'm 28 and at a point in my life where I have to start taking better care of my mental and physical well being and it sounds like the same time for you.:)
Take time for you.
I tell you this every time this comes up.
If you don't take care of you, nobody will. Period.
<3
I'm glad to hear you're OK — even if you're not feeling so OK. We're definitely growing up, and these two-day hangovers are no longer a fun way of life. I've started taking it easy most Friday nights — and it's been the best thing I could do for myself. I actually feel well rested come Monday, whether I drank all day Saturday or not.
Sooo good to see you this weekend, btw. Perhaps we can meet up for a cheap, non-debauchery-filled date sometime soon!
It's not the end of the world if you stay in a few nights and have a salad and glass of water for dinner
It'll just make you look forward to your nights out that much more.
I am so proud of you for having a realization and for taking a break. I've been there, and you're smart to recognize it and relax. Good luck making positive changes—knowing you, you'll make mellowing out fun and awesome
Good for you!
Lilu my love … best of luck on the "gotta give" changes to come ..
Glad to hear you're okay .. I was thinking of you this morning when I saw it in the paper !
Take time for yourself, relax and go to bed early. It's not easy being a young woman in the city, lol. Seriously, there are lots of expectations and we can get carried away.
* volunteering for the 'grabbing' thing if B is too busy
Ah, I was so relieved to see your tweets last night. (That sounded like teets, didn't it? I like it)
And sometimes, I hate you because you're all sorts of in my head about shit. I've also been thinking of just getting things together. I had an awful hangover effect from this weekend and even now that its gone, I'm still left thinking "Am I too old for this every single weekend?" "Should I really be looking forward to the next time THIS happens?"
I really do feel the need to get things into check. Glad you're doing it too.
I think we all go through phases where we drink too much, have too much fun, and then need to take time to recuperate. I try to only go out once during the week and once on the weekend, but in the summer it is so much harder to stick to that regiment!
P.S. Did you hear there was a 60+ shot gunfight yesterday near Petworth? I drive through there to get to my office and I never think that anything would ever happen. Granted it happened at night, but I hate how we all get so comfortable when really we should be a little more vigilant about our surroundings.
Oh lady, I am so glad to read this. You know me (the mom) has been really worried about you lately! You have so much fun but I know you're stressed and tired. Take some time for you, relax, chill. Drink some water
Love you!
I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. I have been going through the same things lately. I am a people pleaser and have a hard time saying no to anyone. I have actually already talked to my doctor and may be getting signed out of work for a few weeks to get my head screwed back on straight. Lucky thing about me getting signed out is I have been at my job for 10 years and will get paid 100%. I hope you feel better soon and start feeling like yourself again!
Well written! I totally can relate I hopped on the red line yesterday totally in a bubble (my bubble) no idea what was going on. So scary to think of the what if. I agree time to take charge and make changes that impact my day to day!
Hang in there, it will all make sense soon!
What a fantastic post, lady. Sometimes it's the craziest events that make us stop and evaluate our own lives.
The crash yesterday scared the crap out of me because, like you, I've allowed myself to think "nothing like this could happen to me…here." But there are too many factors that play into tragedy, and no one's really safe.
Good luck with everything!
scary, scary day yesterday. ugh.
do what you need to get yourself feeling better.
Well that's half the battle right there, chickiepoo. Now that you know what you have to do, you can do it and feel good that you're doing what you need to do:)
Sometimes while riding the metro I start to worry then tell myself "It's fine, nothing will ever happen" I just have to keep thinking that in order to function. It's tough when things like this happen…(I'm a regular red line rider). About the alcohol thing I totally went through the same thing last year. I was lucky to meet my BF and with him we discovered fun activities that did not involve alcohol. I miss those days sometimes but I've finally lost that 10lbs. of burgers and alcohol
. It's a balance and it's SO hard to find! Good luck! Glad everyone is safe!
I was so sad to hear the news about the Metro yesterday. I really hope it had nothing to do with txting, b/c Boston's been having issues with that.
Make yourself some Tea and stay in some nights (Arrested Development can always be watched again and again) I love how my advice is to stay in, because i'm still not mature enough to go out and 'not drink' gasp!!!
I'm glad you are finally taking a break. I could sense that you were seriously tired and stressed..and its always good to just relax. But at the same time be able to get your stuff done. Don't worry I'm the same way, except I'm moreso lazy all around. Drinking and I do not really get along. Smirnoff FTW! lol.
So in all seriousness I am here as a sounding board if you ever need a completely biased opinion/ear.
I am happy you are listening to your body. When it sends smoke signals… it usually isnt a fake emergency.
George and I are fat and want to go on a hike. Two dogwalkers are better than one. Come with.
And I'm going to start taking water aerobics at the JCC (I'm picturing myself surrounded by a pool full of elderly women and will thus feel ridiculously young and hot). I think it's only $7 a class, and runs two nights a week. Again, come with!
I think part of maturing is mastering the art of moderation. Everything is good in moderation. Enjoy in excess the things that are good for you (like B and friends) and exercise moderation in the rest (alcohol, work, saying yes, saying no, etc)
Oh gosh. I know just how you feel. Everything bottles up and then just boils over. I'm sending you goof thoughts…
omgd. so so glad to hear you & B are ok.
it's realizing that you need to slow down that matters, because without such insight, it's most likely you wont do anything about it, right?
it's ok to slow down.
Well, I'm glad that you weren't involved in the crash that I heard about very late because I'm so completely uninformed when it comes to anything that isn't reported on E!
And I hear you about being burned out and all that jazz. I've been trying to smack myself in the ass and get it in gear lately, too.
Funny. I was 25 when I made that realization too.
Maybe it's that magical age when you decide to degrade into a pile of booze ridden ooze or sober up and make something of yourself.
25 is also the age when you just.can't.physically.do it any more.
Welcome to adulthood
Yep, our bodies just start to let us know that they're not 21 anymore and they need to rest once in awhile. It's good you're making this decision now while you're still very young.
I'm happy you're ok. Have a great week!
I'm glad you are okay!
I know how you feel though. I've gone through it before, when it feels like everything is too much. I would spend weeks eating, drinking, and smoking too much, working all day and partying all night, etc and end up feeling completely wrecked. One thing that worked for me was the Fat Flush Diet Plan. I didn't really stick to the actual diet too well (too restrictive) but the book has a lot of tips and tricks for cleansing your liver and getting rid of bloat. It just made me feel clean, if that makes sense.
Sometimes it takes a rude awakening like this to WAKE us up. Sorry to hear about your city. You'll do what you need to in order to be healthy. It's a process….
There is nothing wrong with taken some time for yourself. I hope things get better for you. I am glad that you and your friends are ok. I feel sorry for the people that died along with their families. I can't even imagine. My heart goes out to them.
Take some time, babe. Meditate. Eat greens. Lift weights. Spend quiet moments by yourself.
Take back the fantabulous woman you are.
The margaritas will always be there.
…As will the cookies.
…And pot.
Good for you. <3
hope things start to settle down for you…. I had to say no to all the drinking and going out when I got the worst kidney infection in the world. My body told me to quit it!!! But.. saying no to going out and having a good time is always hard, take some time for you! maybe a nice bubble bath and some toenail polish. haha
Sometimes my liver crawls out of my ass, steps up to my face and slaps the shit out of me for putting it through the wreckage I have. I apologize and promise it will never happen again but then the weekend rolls around and I'm right back at it. It's like a never ending cycle of torture I put myself through. And why? Well, besides the fact that drinking is fun I really don't know. Good luck. Grab those balls and work it girl!
xoxo
I totally understand your sentiments… at one point in my life I felt the same way too.
You just have to find a balance between everything.
Until then, don't berate yourself, just take a few deep breaths and you'll be okay.
Sniff, sniff, our LiLu is growing up. I think what you are going through is a normal phase of life. (Who says you aren't normal?!?)
For me, the everything's gotta give was because I got pregnant at 24, but 10 years later I have definitely hit some of the other phases, so know you always have a sounding board
My personal favorite for detox is Gatorade – now it even comes in a light version if you want to avoid the calories.
Hugs!
I'm glad to hear that you and your friends are okay…..and take care of yourself…what would I do without my LiLu?
I'm relieved that you are okay along with others. I'm saddened that others were not as lucky. Sigh. I'm glad you're taking life by the balls and taking care of yourself.
It's not a bad thing to take a break. I take months off at a time and concentrate soley on myself. I take yoga, I meditate I go on hikes and make a list of things to do on the weekends that doesn't involve alcohol but can still be fun and entertaining. You might surprise yourself! Life can always be a party — even without alcohol. Happy days ahead Lilu!
the crash looks horrible, i was paying attention as you and others were tweeting about it last night and i was scared for anybody who had to rely on public transportation in a big city. people in new york are the same way, feeling invincible, thinking nothing will happen, that everything's perfectly and ignorably safe.
did they ever say why the one rear-ended the other? i mean, was there no communication between the two trains or what?
First, I'm so horrified by the Metro crash, and so glad you're OK. Second, take care of yourself. I read about your hilarious antics, and part of me is all, "jeez, girlfriend's got some serious party stamina, she would have put me to shame when I was in my 20s." But the old-fart/mommy part of me thinks, "oy, that doesn't sound healthy." Moderation, grasshopper.
Thus endeth the lecture.
You're wonderful.
And power to you for realizing things about yourself. It's not always the easiest thing to do.
i'm sending you warm thoughts and i hope that you find the courage to do whatever it is you're needing to do (or not do).
your honesty is refreshing.
I love this post.
Feel better Lilu… We need you and your pooping stories. But you need your liver too, so take it easy.
While I can not keep Metro trains from plowing into each other because the engineer was texting or sexting or whatever I can give you some liver advice. Go to GNC and get some liver cleanse. You will feel much better and…the upside is you will have brand new poop stories.
Several years back I was very close to a disaster and it was my wake up call. I realized that you can't just plow through life thinking you are invincible but you also can't live in fear.
Clearly you need to switch out chee'burgers for brats with bacon.
Good sleep and decent food tends to fix things faster than one would think. After that, you just gotta figure out an appropriate play/rest ratio.
Growing up is a bitch. I am 10 years older than you and I still hate it.
This was an amazing post–so true and real. As I told FB on his page, this metro line shakeup makes us realize what's important and what would happen if it were us on that train. Harsh thoughts, but if they aid in us turning ourselves around, maybe it's worth something then.
First, I'm glad you're okay, I just read what happened in many people's twitters. I know how you feel, living in the city is crazy and everything can happen.
I think in the end it's all about balance, Lilu. If anyone can juggle things, it's you.
Hey LiLu…
Here ya go:
http://milestogobeforeisleep4.blogspot.com/2007/11/why-miles-to-go-before-i-sleep.html
I don't know if you ever read it but it's a little insight as to why I've been working hard to change as well…
I went backwards first though… must have been part of the "grieving process" or whatever the f$&! those shrinks say… I started living the hard party life and loved every minute of it. Then my liver, and life in general started to suffer…
In the last 3 months or so John and I have given up drinking EVERY DAY and I can honestly tell you that my liver hearts me now! I feel great in the morning and I've finally managed to stop gaining weight! (I haven't LOST any either but hey, it's stable at least!)
Somedays it SUCKS. I think about the fun I used to have but now I enjoy the times we do go out even more
Oh yeah, and my bank account is starting to thank me too 
Good luck my love! It's hard but I'm pullin' for you all the way!
If you like reading… here's another one
http://milestogobeforeisleep4.blogspot.com/2007/11/look-back.html
k.. I'm done. I swear.
The metro accident is so scary, I'm glad that you and all your friends are OK!
Your right, life is way TOO short to feel crappy and stressed all the time! I hope you start to feel better and healthier soon!
Girl, I know exactly how you feel. I also know it's easier said that done. Not that you're not totally capable, but I know that when you have certain patterns in your life, it's very hard to break them. Can I suggest you go to an AA meeting a couple times? You don't have to join, or even participate, but sometimes it's nice to see what life is like on the other side. If you do go, just remember to look for the similarities in other people's stories, instead of the differences. I can tell you that I'm feeling so much better and happier since I've started taking it easy. Email me if you have questions or just want to vent.
xoxoxox
Ok, Woman… Its B that needs to grab YOU by the balls… He's been seeing your train wreck comin… and would you have listened to him when he said slow it down lady?… Hmmm. Well, give him some latitude for a good comeuppance comin your way for takin a slow ride.
And finally, cut the burgers! Sheesh. You dont have to shun the 5 guys… May I suggest some real tasty-ness by just ordering the burger-without-the-burger at 5guys. Its awsome. Add cheese.
I'm glad you're ok!
As for taking a break and taking control, amen sister! I felt like you a couple of months ago – tired of being hungover and bloated and disgusting. So I started spending more weekends at home, cultivating my relationships and inner well-being and damn do I feel better. Less time spent at the bars = more $, more positive physical feelings, more well-restedness. It's good for the soul.
I think hearing about something tragic happening close to home always makes people take stock and evaluate their life a bit. Its eye-opening.
Aw…. Ya know, my friends and I were talking about "burning out" this weekend. We all peaked at around 21-22, but kept going hard for a few more years….. (Silly us…) I think I was 26 when I packed the old party hat up. I mean, I still rip it up, but it's only every once and a while now. And that's totally OKAY!!! Go easy on yourself, and this is advice from an old-timer!!!
Oh, girlfriend, I know the feeling. Every Sunday night I feel it.
Glad you're okay! Life does that to me sometimes also. This too shall pass. I'm sending all kinds of positive thoughts your way.
Goodness, living in Suburbia I missed whatever happened. I tend to watch a lot cable and DVR. In addition I am horrible at shutting the ugle world out. I read to stay informed but late at night, so I missed what happened.
I do hope you have luck in your attempt to hang out at home and save money and save your liver (lol). But, seriously, sometimes vegging for a while is just what your body and wallet needs, THEN, learn balance. I'm big on balancing things in life!!!
Amen sister! So glad you and your liver (and B) are safe for the time being. Sending a Xanax your way!
P.S. I must know, what is that thing that the little girl is dragging behind her in your blog header? Is it a sheep? It looks like a furry pig maybe? What is it?
Marie: I'm trying. Thanks.
Shelly: Aw, thanks for thinking of us. It is more edgy than somber… right now, I think we just want some answers.
Lemmy: Seeing as you very well could have been ON that train… well, let's just say I'm really glad you work late.
Ashley: "Pull the 'chute"… I like that. I'll remember it.
Heather Nicole: Thanks so much- I really appreciate that.
cavy: At least you got to be the bearer of good news- that is a great thing. I can't imagine if it had been different.
inkpuddle: Me, too. Thanks for checking on me last night.
Debbi: My face LOVES booze and burgers all the time… my gut and liver sure don't, though. I will try.
Maxie: I love you, but we have way too much fun together. In the best way.
Ashley: Thank you so much… I'm sure it speeded up the decision, anyway, which is probably a good thing.
Badass Geek: Left foot, right foot…
Matt: Books… you're right, I should try some of those.
sleepyjane: I feel extra fragile right now. I shall try to fix it. xo
hannahjb: Thanks so much for thinking of us… I know y'all went through something similar lately! Hugs right back from DC.
Libby: Exactly. *Drinks water* Thanks, love.
Court: Aw, thank you so much! Baby steps…
Olivia: Thank you! That means so much… I hope my sentiments came through clearly, but I wasn't sure. And I do know what feeling good is like… I want it back!
justjp: If you ever make it back up here, we can help keep each other in check!
LMB: I am most definitely carving outsome downtown. Thanks, love.
miss rambles: I'm trying. Thanks so much.
Katie: It's been one day of detox and it already is!
igbyh: Thanks so much. I'm okay, just fed up… with myself. I'll fix it.
Deutlich: Thanks, babe. Love to hear that it came across the way I wanted it to.
Cheddar: "Flying under the radar" is gonna be a new color for me… but I'll try it on.
Kate: The fun changes… exactly. I'm just trying to figure out how that works. xoxo
shine: RIGHT?? It pains me to say no to someone… I NEED to break that habit. It's too much.
Lady Jane: I don't blame you at all. That injury probably would have put me in this frame of mind as well.
floreta: Thanks so much for thinking of me! And I used to do Bikram and loved it… maybe it's time to get back into it.
Nelle: Aw, thank you so much, love! It doesn't get much more honest than this, after all…
Rebel Mel: 16 year old drunk again, huh? I could totally get into that. xoxo
The NB: Thanks so much. It is okay… it will be better.
Racquel: Look at you, getting all serious and mushy on me! I finally did it! And you're totally right… I am trying to get it together now.
lovelila: I'm glad you did what you had to do. I've definitely done the whole "pick up and move" thing, and it was what I needed a few years ago. Now, I'm home and settled… I just need to figure out how to balance everything going on here.
Liebchen: Thanks, dear.
alexa: I remember thinking how crazy you were when you said that. Now, I kind of think you are a genius. P.S. Want to send me the Shred when you're done with it?
Dmbosstone: Oh, how things change… but I promise not to go all lame and MIA on you guys. Yet.
Vittoria: Thanks, babe.
Kristina P: Thank you… it's good to know I'm not alone, but I don't want you to be suffering, either!
erinwalker: Will do. I promise.
kilax: I think it's safe to say it absolutely will. Thanks.
Mich: That is definitely the most important thing. The plan is simple: Healthy food, way less booze, and exercise.
Children 90s: Moderation is key. I thought I was doing better at it (and I AM doing better than I WAS, that's for sure…) but it's still not enough. I'm still finding it.
jen-tsk: Aw, thanks love. It's not always funny over here, true… it definitely didn't feel right today. xo
i saw that crash on msn.com. you quickly ran through my head. i'm glad you're safe, girl! i thought-oh mann…i wonder if my winner is okay!
it's always good to listen to your body. even if it is only for a week. take some time off and just recoop. than, once you've gained your strength back-and your liver will allow you to-you can go back to your drunk ass rawkstar ways.
xoxo
Kristin: For me it's cheeseburgers and wine… but same thing
You're right, though. The first step is admitting it!
Hillary: Thank you so much, on both counts.
Eric: I would LOVE to swim! If only I had a pool…
HannahBlue: It is a change, but at long last, I am almost welcoming it. My body will thank me.
PQ: Well, B does a pretty good job, but it's not fair to just lean on him
flipflops: Thanks, babe. It was so good to see you, too! Maybe a low-key HH in the future. One with less shots and more conversation.
Snay: I've been drinking (nothing but) water steadily for 36 hours now. I already feel better.
justatitch: I hope so… if I can't, it's gonna be real boring around here! xo
Miss Tricky: Thanks, babe.
hbprincess: Thanks so much.
Aritza: Thanks for thinking of me. And you're so right… it's important to be aware of what's going on, especially as a woman in this city!
moog: Snarf.
Katie: You are not alone, my love. And it's good to know, neither am I. We'll figure it out
Northerner: Between those two AND the Holocaust museum, yeah, I'm thinking you're right. Sheesh.
Kristin: Thanks, Mom. *drinks water* I promise to relax a bit!
BS&BC: Oh, that sounds like heaven. Unfortunately, I've only been here 6 months, but someday…
Celly: I'm so glad you are all right. And I promise to hang in here
Holly: I STILL kinda feel like nothing like that could happen to me… that's the scary part. Sigh.
Alice: I will. Thanks love.
Miss Rosa: Agreed. It feels good to be on the right path.
RCaitlin: I know we can't live our lives in fear, but this sure doesn't help. Thanks- I will try to find my balance…
Julie Q: I know you guys have up in Boston, I'm sorry love. It's horrible, no? And you are SO RIGHT about AD!
Nickie: I am exhausted… I just want to take some vacation days to sit at home and knock some things off my To Do list! Hmmm… maybe that's not such a bad idea…
Courtni: Thanks love. I know you are. And you're right.
freckledk: Aww, Georgia Porgie! I would be giggling the whole time at his waddle.
rondamarie: I think you are 100% right. I'm trying to figure out what works for me. Thanks, love.
Melissa: Unfortunately, I tend not to boil so much as melt into a puddle of lethargic goo… thanks, darlin.
the gis: Thanks, love. We are fine. And slowing down.
BeckEye: If Joel McHale isn't saying it, I don't want to hear it!
Mike: Can't, physically… and kind of don't really want to. Thanks.
Maryellen: Thanks so much… my liver will thank me, I'm sure.
Cassie: Fat Flush Diet? I am off to google… thanks!
Jules: It sure is. I'm struggling along. Thanks, dear.
Blondie: Mine as well. I only hope we can find out what happened. They deserve the answers.
just me: Ooo… margaritas! No, no, bad LiLu!
Jaime: Thanks, love.
JM: I am slowly getting better at saying no. Thanks, dear.
Kellie: That's my favorite visual from today, hands down. Consider the balls GRABBED.
vazenchick: Breathing… thanks, dear.
BigSis: Gatorade, huh? I'm sticking to the water at first, but I'll branch out after I feel a bit detoxified. Thanks, love.
Hanako66: I don't know! And you won't have to find out
wearingmascara: As am I… and thanks. I'm trying, at least.
Carrie: My life will always be a party, of this I am sure. Thanks for the advice, darlin.
wekeepsaying: They have yet to tell us why… but we are all anxious to know…
Wendy: I don't mind the lecture at all. I need a kick in the ass, obviously. Thanks, dear.
Ali: YOU'RE wonderful! Thanks so much… I'm doing my best.
d&o chic: Thanks for your thoughts. It's hard to be SO honest sometimes, even for me, but then the feedback wouldn't help, now would it?
PorkStar: I DO need my liver. Someone told me Irish people come with an extra one, but I don't think I'm going to bet on that…
Gladys: Agreed… and I certainly am not one to live in fear. Methinks I could use a bit more of it, in fact. I'm going to get some of that "liver cleanse"…
JFo: Agreed. One step at a time… (Mmmmmmm, bacon.)
DC Nine: Eh, it can't be all THAT bad, can it?
Kim: Thank you so much. And if we don't at least take something away from it, it was completely in vain… at least we can learn.
Andhari: Thanks for the vote of confidence, love! I hope you're right.
Miles: I already felt better waking up this morning. As long as it keeps going that way, hopefully I won't struggle too much! Thanks, dear.
Amber: Thanks so much. It's certainly scary, but we'll get through. xo
Georgia: Thanks, chica. I don't think that's exactly what I'm looking for- more just a healthy balance of eating well, exercise, etc- but I will definitely shoot you an email if I need to. Thanks.
washingtondc: Umm… do I know you? This is not a "train wreck" and I don't recall him saying to "slow it down." Now will anyone be giving me a "comeuppance". But thanks.
ChasingParadise: I am looking forward to enjoying all of those rewards… particularly the fatter wallet! Thanks, dear.
P: It is, and the eye-opening is inevitable, I suppose. It's just unfortunate it has to happen this way.
Kris: Exactly. Consider your advice super-heeded. Thanks, dear!
Bridget: I heard that. And then 10 times more on Monday…
Summer: Thanks so much, love.
Lucy: Balance is huge… I know this, I'm just not sure of how to DO it yet. I'm getting there.
Nikki: Ha! I'll trade you some of my klonopin! And yes, it's a sheep… a LAMB, if you will.
Breaks for your body is a great thing. Sometimes when you physically get everything in order, your mind follows and the stress levels drop and you can just think….clearer!
I am doing that myself right now too….get back into hot yoga:) Now that is a kick ass cleansing routine….
In time, you'll come to realize that good times are not found only when you're partying hard and abusing your body.
Even as old as I am, I sometimes wish for the old "party" days again… but more to have the people around than to be too fuzzy to make lasting memories with those people.
You've taken the first step & realized you need to slow down, re-evaluate and do things differently.
Make the most of the life you have. Sometimes making the most of it will be a nice, rockstar-level party. Sometimes it will be cuddling kittens. Find balance and don't be afraid to ask for what you need from your friends. We'll be here!
hey girl! this post was definitely an eye-opener. i live in another big city & i always get creeped out walking home, etc. it's definitely taught me to live each day to the fullest! something we should all do… in a healthy way, of course.
So young, so smart.
There are times in our lives that we all realize that we need a break. Sometimes we realize it too late. But, sometimes, as you have just expressed, we realize when we are still young enough to make the positive changes. I wish you the best of luck. Making changes in your lifestyle can be difficult, but when you put your mind to it, you can do it.
I have always loved you, but I just fell in love with you even more. A big fat AMEN to you.
We both said we're grabbing life by the balls today. WELL you didn't say balls, but come on…
I'm so glad you and yours are ok honeybunny!! XO
Wow. This post reminded me that everybody has shit to deal with. Sometimes I get so absorbed in my own whining, I forget that fact. I'm glad you (and other DC bloggers) are all safe and sound.
That kind of reminder is one filled with both love and hate. It's great that it happens and you can finally realize so much, but at the same time, you hate that it's there and that you've already brought yourself to that point. I've been there. I know exactly what you mean! And I'm sure altering your lifestyle just a little won't be too bad. I did it and, really, I'm better off because I did, and I'm feeling better in general.
Best of luck darlin'!
I know this is a shitty answer, but maybe just drink harder liquor so you don't drink as much and for as long?
But obviously the right thing to do is the healthy thing. Just don't start hugging trees and eating organic applesauce all day on us!
YOU are so real and so right. I dont know if you read all your comments but if you do get to mine I am SOOO glad you are okay and your love/friends are okay.
I do wish you the best of luck in this new "chapter" in your life- im sure your liver was happy to hear that youre gunna be taking a short hiatus!
-KS
How many times have I had this argument with myself only to take the easy way out? I fail miserably at working out for longer than 3 months at time. You? I think you're like a little pitbull and will healthy and strong in a matter of weeks.
First and foremost, I'm glad you and yours and almost everyone thereabouts is okay, and I'm sorry that not everyone is.
Now I'll admit that I'm a little relieved to hear that you're not really a rockstar, because i was starting to feel really, really old and married and boring.
Seriously. It's just all about balance. You know that. The scale has tipped a little too far to one side, so you have to put some weigh on the other side.
You'll do it with your signature style and grace- the same way you do everything.
/girl crush
"my liver has sent me a letter of resignation.."
I have received that very letter and taken a very necessary break as well!
Since I've decided not to be a hermit and you've decided to take a break from drinking, you are welcome to come on an afternoon run with me anytime you want. Good for you for recognizing and making a change
Time to start hanging out with What a Grand World, eh? Similar reactions, similar posts. I don't know why the crash didn't make me feel more – instead, it just made me feel lucky. "Not this time," I thought. "But it could always be me next time." It made me think twice, but in a way that just made me thankful. Still, whatever it takes to ask yourself that old John Mayer line – "'Everything happens for a reason' is no reason not to ask myself, 'Am I living it right>'"
Take time for yourself. Make the changes you need to make. And remember how it feels to reflect like this, so that it doesn't take a tragedy to bring about life-altering introspection.
<3 <3 <3
Good for you, Lilu. I hope you're better with temptation than I am.
; )
Hmmm…perhaps my visit weekend will be more of a "recuperate at the pool" versus a "get wasted at the pool" weekend.
Either way, I'm down for whatever you feel like. I'm far less likely to embarrass the hell out of myself with the former.
Glad everyone on your end is a-ok.
*hugs*
Amen. It seems like a lot of the blogosphere is hitting that point – where responsibility catches up to alcoholism and we're forced to become that uncool person we always promised we wouldn't.
Or at least save the bad decisions for weekends.
Glad to hear you are doing okay. I think everyone has a this revelation in their mid to late 20s. Generally we then get married, have kids and start the whole vicious cycle over again in the form of late night feedings, play dates and soccer games. Ah life.
So there are two things here I want to say that are actually rather unrelated!
1. I'm proud of you (though that feels all motherly and I don't even know you…) for recognizing you need a bit of a life detox. We just can't party like it's 1999 anymore. Our bodies are getting too old for that shit!
2. The safety stuff has been on my mind as I'm picking up and moving from my suburb to downtown Detroit next week. Because I love the city and my friends live there and yada yada. But you know what? Scary shit happens in cities! I, too, walked DC at all times of night when I lived there and do that now in my happy little suburb. Because we think we're invincible and that nothing will ever happen to us. But it could, no matter where we live.
So, your point about reminding ourselves that we're not invincible and that every moment is precious is rather relevant for me this week.
I'm taking steroids and cannot drink for a month. My daughter is moving to Arlington an starting a new job July 1. That would be because she's pregnant and moving in with the love of her life. They are surprised but thrilled. His parents and I feel the same. So, I have an empty bedroom and a lake. How about a weekend in the country. Bring your friends. I'll make lemonade. Hugs
Taking a breather to step back and regroup/recollect is never a bad thing. At least give your liver a few weekends to try to prepare for the next battle. It's only fair
It is never too late to switch it up. I am in the process of doing just that. My regret is that I couldn't have understood what was wrong and started to change direction years ago. You have miles to go before you sleep (Robert Frost). Get the shit together now…don't wait until you are 40 or 50 or 60!
just breathe and be. glad you and yours are okay.
Glad you and yours are all okay!
The SAME thing happened in LA last year and it was the most terrifying thing ever.
I'm so glad you and all of you friends are safe!
Every day someone is getting flown to shock trauma in a car accident and traffic on the beltway is a beast. The Metro is still the safest way to get from point A to point B in DC. Even if it does smell like BO, it is still a million times better than driving.
amanda: Thank you so much for thinking of me, babe. I promise I will!
Penny: I really want to… this weekend, I think I will.
MsDarkstar: Thanks so much, dear. That means the world to me to know.
mollymouse: Exactly. It's so important to always be aware!
jeluttrull: My mind is definitely put to it, in a way it hasn't been in a while. Thanks.
Elizabeth Marie: Oh, of course I said balls! Don't ruin my rep, woman! xoxo
Katie: Thanks, darling. So am I.
amindinmotown: Thanks, babe. I think it will be a GREAT thing.
Mr. C: Shhh… that's what I really WANT to do…
Kelli-Sue: Oh, hon, of COURSE I read them! Every single one! And I try to always reply too. Your thoughts and words mean so much to me. Thank you!
JoLee: I hope you're right… I feel like this time, I actually might make it.
verybadcat: Aw, thanks so much, lover! I just hope I don't fall off the scale…
meleah: Good for us!
Rachel: My liver may be taking a break, but I'll still be out and about, my dear. Looking forward to hanging soon.
Sub Sweetheart: There's nothing wrong with lucky… I sure as hell feel that way too.
Soda and Candy: I hope I'm better with temptation than I am, too!
Dyfunction: Plenty of fun will be had, don't you worry.
And thanks, darlin.
Narm: Agreed… but even my weekend bad decisions need to be toned down. I'm surprised I made it out of the last one alive.
SO@28: It is a vicious cycle, isn't it? Hopefully we get a little smarter about it each time…
Super Girl: You'll be okay… just be AWARE of your surroundings at all times, try not to walk alone, etc! And don't ever be afraid to follow your instincts, even if it means you'll look foolish. (I will now follow this advice as well…)
Spellbound: Ooo, country vaca! I'm actually going to a wedding in Lexington this weekend, so hopefully that will provide some R&R.
Meghan: It is only fair. It's been such a good liver, after all…
G: Amen. Hopefully it sticks this time and I don't have to keep going through this!
Claire: Thanks, dear.
alwaysandnever: Thank you so much!
hautepocket: Thanks very much… I'm sorry you had to go through this, too!
Del-V: You are so right, and I know that. This definitely won't stop me from Metroing… but hopefully it does inspire them to spend a little more on public transport to make it even safer!
At least you recognize what needs to change. Self awareness is apart of growing up. Thanks for being so honest.
welp, i cannot lie, i used to get EXHAUSTED just reading about your weekends, and i would think, "how does she do it?" and then i would remember you're younger than me.
but yeah, you're becoming a grown-up sweetheart (awwww), and at least you've caught yourself before you found yourself in an absolute mess. it's really easy to overlook all the hard stuff and to continue to party on, so i truly applaud you on taking the time to truly take a look at your surroundings.
best of luck sweetcakes (i mean that, really)! i'm just really glad for you. once you get a handle on things you will feel SO MUCH BETTER… invincible even! i promise!
I am so, so, SO glad you're OK! And so happy that you are moving forward in trying to make good things happen for yourself. I'm sending lots of hugs and smooches your way.
And isn't it weird how you can live in such a large, urban setting and not feel ill at ease? I often felt the same way in Chicago … and then you have an episode or two that makes you go HOLY SHIT. That could have been me.
Eventually every Carolina girl does have to slow down. Listen to your heart. Your body. Your mind. And your soul. And you'll figure out the balance that works best for you.
Balance is important. It's often difficult to find but it'll come.
I'm glad you're safe.
I hope you find some balance soon. Sometimes it's just as easy as incorporating some excercise time. I know, I was feeling really crazy and out of whack for a while, but now I try to do yoga every morning, and I'll force myself to spend some time outdoors just doing nothing. Like going for a walk, or just chilling outside for even 5 minutes – no phone, laptop, people. It really does help. Good luck
I feel you. Especially at your age (I know I'm only 5 years older but those 5 years were huge growth years for me and for most people)–
Soon you will be having 45 weddings a year and you will be forced anyway to kind of cut your social life a bit…at first it was hard but then it was kind of nice.
Plus…I'm super social but I cannot go out more than once a week or once a weekend–unless I have to for a bday or something…
…I just always need a ton more downtime after lots of plans and as you get older…its more fun to stay in and then get excited about going out.
I used to be crazy…me and my girls were the epitome of the wild, fun, sceney girls and now–we meet up for dinner…and its wonderful.
Every now and then its fun to have a big night out…and dinner and drinks are always fun…but without the balance of downtime–going out becomes a chore and that isn't fun.
You want to enjoy it…and treat yourself to the downtime you deserve.
Love you girl. Movie night soon. xoxo
Oh and dancing. Going out to dance is the best. For me, dancing when out and dancing in general is the best workout and as a dancer…it makes me happy.
But a walk is also always so nice. I've been following your lead and walking home from work.
Granted,I get home sweaty and gross–but it feels good.
Lilu, it happens to all of us at one time or another….it's called maturity. Don't be afraid, you will still be 100% yourself, just a grown up version of yourself.
The metro thing had to be scary. As for making changes, its all about finding a balance. I struggle daily with this one as well.
I feel the same way about half of the time, but am super reluctant to admit it. Growing up… boo.
I feel the same way about half of the time, but am super reluctant to admit it. Growing up… boo.
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