Hi there, lovebirds!
I know it’s only been a week since the last Shiz My Boyfriend Says… but so many of you were all “this is my favorite thing in the whole world, even more than orgasms and grandma’s cooking,” that I’ve decided to go ahead and drop another on you today.
(What? That’s not, um, exactly what you said?)
CREATIVE LICENSE, mofos!!!
Now on with the show.
Upon arriving home from my travels this week, lounging on the couch. B has had an approximately 4,000 hour-long work day.
LiLu: Baby, we finally get to DO IT tonight! Don’t you want to have the sex?B: Of COURSE I do. You’re sexy and I want to put my penis in ALL your holes!
LiLu: Aw, darlin… you’re so sweet!
On the couch, B has discovered a small pustule on his elbow…
LiLu: Is that a pimple?! Don’t gleek pimple juice on me!B: Oh, I’ll shoot it right in your mouth! (Aims)
LiLu: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Don’t shoot don’t shoot!
B has just made dinner, and then we hit our magic window of sexin’…
LiLu: Thanks for dinner, darling.B: You’re welcome! Thanks for your pussy.
LiLu: Of course. That’s why I just had sex with you right now.
B: We’ve got this compromise thing DOWN.
B is cuddling Murray on his lap… keep in mind, Murray (“boy kitty”) is super sweet, whereas Axe Murderer “girl kitty” is a little more… rambunctious. Go figure.
B: Awww, he’s so cute! I’m totally gay for boy kitty.LiLu: (picks up phone and starts typing)
B: You’re twittering that aren’t you! Whatever, I don’t care. That’s why I wanted girl kitty to not be an asshole!LiLu: I am NOT twittering it…
(I was saving it for THIS! Duh.)
Happy weekend, poodlekins!
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I totally stopped by your page earlier to see if you posted because my GReader is a slow mo-fo…and squeeled with delight when I saw that you did. (I may or may not have refreshed a few times)
“Don’t you want to have the sex?”
That is so my pickup line of the summer!
If PQ is having “Don’t you want to have the sex?” as the summer pickup line I’m having “I’ll shoot it right in your mouth!”…I’ll figure that out somehow!! x
You get up waaaay too early to blog. You know what that makes you? a MORNING PERSON. Egads. Just sayin’.
Happy Friday!
I love what modern technology has done to relationships- everything they say to us that is remotely amusing is followed by “you’re going to blog/tweet about this, aren’t you”. Awesomeness.
If it weren’t for creative license, everything out of anyone’s mouth would be absolutely boring. Except for mine (natch).
LiLu: “Thanks for dinner, darling.”
B: “You’re welcome! Thanks for your pussy.”
Truly klassy you two.
You need to write a book of the Shiz my boyfriend says…. I’d buy it. You two are just too funny. I look forward to these posts every week! TGIF!!!
compromise is key to every relationship isn’t it?
Happy weekend!
Uh oh, is the girl kitty an asshole? Bummer.
And yeah, these might be my favorite things ever, but I’m easy to please, so yeah…
an excellent way to kick off a friday.
“thanks for your pussy” – BWAHAHAHAHA! i need to meet this B character.
Something about calling a kitten an asshole makes me giggle.
I like how he thanks you for your pussy.
I should do that more often. I should be more thankful.
I love these. The put my weekend off to a hilarious/awesome start!
I love this!!!! LOL! Hahahaha
Wow.
You put your pustule on his elbow?
You guys are freaky with the sex.
lol …familiar convos at my house as well ..but substitute dogs for cats and me making dinner and giving the poon and it sounds about right. Happy Weekend.
Please tell me you are not like the girl in the Tweeter Whore Video.
It should be titled ‘the shiz my boyfriend and I say’ because y’all are both hilarious together. Ever think about stand-up? haha. luv it. (liv it). lolz.
I’m totally gay for boy kitty. At my house, I think it would be, “I’m totally pussy for gay kitty.” Wait. That didn’t come out right. I seriously want you to know, I am now in fear that Gay Boyfriends wants to put his peeper in my boy kitty.
That does sound like the perfect compromise. I need a set-up like that…
“I was saving it for THIS! Duh.”
Yup. I get caught saving stuff on my phone like every single day. It’s because all the drinking makes the remembering hard.
Murray is awe.some.
You’re right, that was better than grandma’s orgasms. But just barely.
I think you should make Hallmark cards with this stuff.
How do people like this find one another?
Congrats, my friend, ’tis a blessing.
“Thanks for your pussy” is what I need to start saying. Can B post some more romantic things for me to use?
Ahhh, las palabras de amor…the words of love… it would have only been classier if he said “Thanks for the gash!”
oh i love it.
and you know i love it.
i feel like your blog gives me the humor my everyday life needs so thanks for that
Thanks for the pussy. I used to formally say “thank you” for blowjobs. It depends on how much gagging she’s making as she spits in the bathroom.
TMI Friday.
OMG, you guys are so hilarious, I wish I was this funny ! #yesIamaLiLu&BgroupieandIamsojealous
You made my weekend. Plus, I now got how you remember all the funny things said during the week and I need a new phone on which I can blog directly with a real keyboard lol. #sojealous
God I love you two! I swear I know I am not the only one that looks forward to reading your blog. My favorite line was “thanks for the pussy” you have to love it!
Have a great weekend.
p.s I agree you should write a book I would buy it.
B should be gay for my boy doggie. He’s sweet and cuddly and I’m pretty sure he’s gay too so they can be gay lovers together.
(I think what I just said is wrong on so many levels. I don’t condone gay animal screwing. But whatever, I’m hungover and it’s my b-day so I do what I want.)
Happy Friday luva!
XOXO
PQ: You are my favorite little stalker, dear.
jen-tsk: Please blog it when you work that into conversation…
Fearless: It’s called “work.” And it’s ruining my life.
verybadcat: He says it OFTEN. Just sayin
Kristine: Totes magotes!
Kendall: You love it. Don’t lie.
vazenchick: You hear that, publishers??
Shelly: It sure is… whatever “compromise” means to you!
K @ Blog Goggles: She CAN be an asshole. Just a little bit.
cavy: End of June, my lovemuffin…
AAB: Me too. And it happens frequently in our apartment
Matt: Grace in tight things. What?
Megan: Glad to do it, love!
Tee: Thanks, darlin.
moooooog35: All I need now is to bring Bob and the putty in on the action…
Maegan: “Giving the poon” shall be introduced promptly. THANK YOU.
BlackLOG: I should think NOT. But you can always check it out for yourself…
JM: We could have our own Abbot and Costello routine! Only X rated…
Kate: You are WELCOME for that.
Liebchen: It’s a good sitch, I ain’t gonna lie
f.B: My cell phone is half full right now with nuggets that are only semi-coherent…
Deutlich: And so very skweeshable!
DouglasDyer: I knew ONE of you was going to go there…
Kristina P: We’d have to name the brand something much dirtier, though…
Kate: A sick blessing… but a blessing nonetheless…
SkylersDad: He’s got a plethora of them, trust.
Organic Meatbag: “Gash”? … I don’t even want to know…
Krystyna: And you make my day every time you say that, for reals
M@: It’s always TMI up in here.
Aritza: Hi. I fucking love you. #iamtotallyokaywithgroupiesinfactiamthrilledandtotallysupportyourcause.
Blondie: Books are for wussies. I’m thinking mockumentary…
Kellie: Beastiality is totally cool on birthdays! I’m pretty sure that’s in the Bible.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my love!!!
*picks up phone and creates new reminder containing ‘use penis/holes line and squirt pimple juice’*
so you’re saying you’ll sleep with me if I make you dinner? score!
bahahah … gay for boy kitty!
ah the age-old compromise of food for sex. this is the cornerstone of a happy household!
Thanks for the pussy was my favorite part! B is awesome.
Oh, you make THEM dinner and they give you the pussy.
I always assumed they make you dinner THEN they give you the pussy.
And then they do the laundry and clean your pubes off the toilet.
Thanks for the clarification.
I have always had girl cats and girl dogs- I take homophobic to a new level..
Yeah, maybe not better than orgasms…but it’s good!
Okay, definitely not better than orgasms. Sorry B.
If this guy ever proposes to you, the ring better be engraved with “Thanks for your pussy.”
You two are like a younger, cuter, child-free version of my husband and I…
Just when I was starting to think that no one could form a complete sentence using the words “orgasm” and “grandma’s cooking” you go ahead and do it. You’re blowing my mind, sister.
I love the shit your bf says – so funyn and so true! I think my favourite ‘pick up’ line I’ve ever heard is ‘suit up’ – you can guess what they were referring to lol
B is such a romantic. I can relate lol
Your boy toy should have his own blog. I don’t remember the last time I got “thanked.” Off to text the hubs.
mo.stoneskin: Figured.
JoLee: I’m easy like Sunday brunch, baby.
Miss Rosa: They are two silly boys, those ones.
lustyreader: TRUTH.
Mr. Condescending: That he is, my dear.
Mike: What’s laundry?
buffalodick: Even if you’re not kidding, that is still pretty damn funny.
shine: Definitely not orgasms from B. TMI?
BeckEye: Maybe in Latin… then it’s COOL.
Jenni: Child-free, yes. Cuter, no. You are adorable!
blissfully: I am nothing if not eloquent with my visual descriptions…
Serena: Explain it to me… *wink*
PorkStar: I bet you can…
Kristin: Please to tell him to phrase it the same way for the sake of funnies.
you two are quite perfect for each other and quite hilarious too.
I am now going to go home tonight and ask Big Man for “the sex!”
love your kind of foreplay..lol
I think every man should say “thanks for your pussy” after sex. That’s just good manners.
food for pussy? what. a. deal. i’m going into negotiations
i think if i were in a relationship i’d want it to be awesome like yours
Being thanked after sex usually skeeves me out, but B makes it sound so innocent.
And “I’m totally gay for boy kitty” is a classic.
B knows he’s supposed to stay away from your butt hole. that one’s mine.
p.s. I can’t wait to cuddle murrayyyyyyyyy. So adorable.
Oh, weird. I also call it “the sex.” I’ve been told this is not the correct way to request it. He says it sounds clinical, which is maybe why I like it even more.
oh my goodness, you are too funny…i’m having to contain my giggles so as not to wake my B up:)
Mine thinks I go to Twitter after everything he says, too. But that’s usually because I am. Er..
Great post, Wow, sounds like a Love Thang fo’sho.
you guys are VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERY comfortable together! i am cracking up! and it makes me feel better about how gross me and my man are. ahhahahahahahah.
i heart B. and am dying to meet axe (becuase i like sweet, but i love a badass)
lol hilarious! i love these. except the elbow one – thats yucky haha. the rest are hilarious
My kinda guy! Although at least so far as Twittering goes, I think being hot for the girl kitty isn’t much better than being gay for the boy one.
Therapy! Yes, my dysfunctional friend, this is what you and the boy need. Fucking hours and hours of it.
Love,
G
HA.
This is sort of off topic, but I sort of squealed when I saw that I’m not the only person who says “shiz.”
That’s disturbing and romantic at the same time.
Man, I love you guys!
I’m totally gay for boy kitty
too funny,
you my girl write mad crazy, I luv it!!
The last one is super cute. Thanks for saving it for us
By the way, there’s an award waiting for you at my blog
let’s all move to utah. b can be our leader and we’ll live a happily ever after polygamist life.
Hey Claire not all Utahns are polygomists. I’m from Utah so I know the real info. Besides all four of my mothers told me that.
Pimple juice comments made me gag a little and then pee but that’s normal when I laugh.
i needed approximately 5 minutes to compose myself after i fell off the chair, laughing too hard at the first shiz.
bravo!!! wahahaha.
hahaha. B rocks.
i’m just putting it out there.
Yours is a rare kind of love.
my boy kitty is totally gay for other dudes, turns out. he’s ALL OVER any mens i bring around. not chicks so much, though. including me.
You guys are so cute I want to vomit in my mouth a lil. When I get in another relationship (other than the one drew sent me in the mail duh), it better be just like yours.
Ahhhh it sounds like true love…
You know, please thank B for me. And yourself, too. And your pussy, too. And your blog, too. All of the above made me realize that I don’t thank my wife for her pussy nearly enough.
Or God.
Or her parents.
Maybe I should write them a letter. Or at least include it in my graces. If I ever said Grace.
Katelin: Thanks, love. YOU should know
Lil' Woman: How'd it go??
Caroline: We are strange, it's true.
Miss Yvonne: I'm sure Abby would agree.
mylittlebecky: One of the oldest trades in the book…
floreta: It is awesome, in our own weird little way
Zan: Instant classic.
Maxie: He's been missing since Saturday. You stole him, didn't you?
emvandee: It IS the correct way! Let's up it and call it "the fornication" from now on!
D&O chic: Awww, you have one too! Aren't they precious?
hautepocket: I know how you feel…
Martha: Hahaha I love you!
drollgirl: I think that is the understatement of the year re: our level of "comfortable"…
Vittoria: Did you love her? I know you did
alissa: That was VILE. But still hilarious.
Riff Dog: You may have a point there…
G: Oh, come on. You love it!
Rachel: *High fives*
Andhari: I'll take it.
cocorosa: I do write mad crazy, don't I?
SassyGirl: Aww, you're the best! Headed over now…
Claire: YESSSSS! You are a genius.
JPP: You're "lizzing"!!!
TGIS: Thank you, thank you.
amanda: It's true. And he knows it.
Captain Dumbass: TRUTH: You has it.
Alice: I love the gays, animals and humans alike.
Elizabeth Marie: Is it everything you dreamed of? Except for being able to buy you jewelry…
JTILII: Smells like it, too. What?
Mr. Apron: I say grace like they do in Hook. "GRACE!!!"
His sentence from the first section is exactly something I’d say. Except I’d usually want it to feel more chauvinistic and practical (to really enter the territory of sarcasm), so I’d remove the “you’re sexy” part.
Very Fucking Funny! ahahahahhahha
SERIOUSLY! i was reading through your 'shiz my boyfriend says' and i almost died, because you sound JUST LIKE US! it's so funny! how lucky are we that our hunnies are ridiculously awesomely funny enough that we have constant blogging material about them??
so glad i found your blog!
oh, and, AND! we have two kitties too — boy kitty and girl kitty… boy kitty is totally laid back, girl kitty is CRAZY, and hunny TOTALLY has a crush on boy kitty! i get so mad that he plays favorites! but it's so cute, i can't stay mad for long.
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