I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you for the outpouring of love, support, and makingfunofme’s I received via Twitter last night, in light of the recent tragedy in my life.
And perhaps, to “clear the air” a little, so to speak…
For those of you who don’t follow my idiotic 140 character rantings – (WHAT?? You don’t want to know what I’m doing EVERY SECOND?!? Blasphemy!)- let me ‘splain.
B’s parents were here this weekend, which (while a perfectly lovely and delightful time) is, naturally, a little stressful. Needless to say, as we waved them off yesterday around noon, we heaved an enormous sigh of relief and set off for home to immediately take off our pants and make spicy Bloody Marys the size of our heads.
It was a nice, relaxing, drunkety Sunday afternoon… naps were taken, The Wire was watched (I love you Bubbles!)… I even let B talk me into a little BSG (don’t worry, this is SciFi related… not sexual). After three straight episodes, I was drifting off to Happy Land, AKA the place where Don Draper touches me in my bathing suit area. So we each slung a kitten over a shoulder and made our way to the bed.
Moments after we’d laid our tired bodies to rest, I had a Kitty Battle Royale of epic proportions commencing on my chest. Just so you can be clear as to what this looks like…
(Uhm. Please ignore our totally dorky commentary. You can even put it on mute, if you like. Thaaaat’s better.)
Anyhoosits, so this is literally taking place ON TOP OF ME, and as they’re all new and cute and stuff, I let it slide. Because they’re small and fluffy and who am I to stop them from tiring themselves out so they let us sleep past 5am?
The next thing I knew, I was kitty-ass-to-mouth with Murray (the innocent looking white one- NOT Axe Murderer, surprisingly enough), when I heard the teeniest little…
Ffffffffft.
“What the…” I thought… and then it hit me. Like a brick wall of itteh bitteh kitteh committeeh diarrhea scent, it hit me.
Kitty fart.
Directly. Down. MY THROAT.
“OHMYGOD,” I screamed, and started flapping about violently, twittering all the while. “I SWALLOWED MURRAY FART!!!!!”
Of course B was incredibly helpful, or, as I like to call it, ‘laughing his ass off at me.’ I finally stopped fighting the inevitable, and lay back to suffer through the stench that was now making its way through my body.
“IT’S IN MY CHEST,” I bellowed helplessly, “I CAN FEEL IT NEXT TO MY HEART!!!”
So, yeah, I’m pretty sure I have a super advanced strain of feline-swine flu now.
But at least you can all say your Monday morning was better than mine. After all, YOU didn’t wake up with Murray-fart in your lungs.
(Cough.)
{ 126 comments }
LOL……
it was funny on twitter and it is funny now!!!!
I will deny this in a court of law, but that was pretty fucking cute.
Who said that?
So THAT’S how they steal your breath away.
I call that kitty sumo….I think because My cats are 10 and 10.5 lb balls of fluff.
Kittens are so irresistible. I’ll take them any time you get sick of em. You might love them, but I’m just letting you know the options there.
I love that you had kitty fart by your heart. I think thats how they worm themselves into your psyche.
i must say, at least it was while he was still tiny and adorable and not 10 pounds of fat cat. vom.
ok honestly, this is funny as shit, but it would have been WAAAAYYYYYYY funnier if it was a fat cat fart. kitten farts are cute, i mean… how can you get mad at a kitten fart? it even SOUNDS cute! but a fat cat fart would have been so much better. i’m just gonna picture it like that.
Oh god, at least they weren’t still in the wall-splattering-diarrhoea phase…that could’ve been a whole other issue!! x
I bet no one warned you that kittens were really gassy, did they?? Beneath all that cuteness and fluff are some ferocious fumes just waiting to come out either end.
Pretty gross that said fumes came out in your mouth, though… Ewwwwww! (And, of course, hilarious.)
omg your cats are fierce!! its like an episode of Rock of Love.
Just be glad it wasn’t a kitty shart.
Hahahaha… oh Lord. How has nothing like this ever happened to me? I used to work on a FARM and I’ve never had excrement in my mouth!
Maybe I should just count myself lucky?
Um. It could have been real diarrhea. And you could have swallowed it.
It might or might not have happened at my house.
I knew cats were known to steal people’s breath but I never knew how they did it.
oh poor you!
O.M.G!
That was so funny!!! I have to say, last night’s tweet was probably the funniest tweet I’ve seen in awhile – and I don’t think anything is going to get funnier today than this post!
I’m glad to finally hear the story. I admit I was hoping you’d make a post about it because I wondered about just how something like this would have been accomplished
This totally makes up for the vomit inducing cute kittens pictures you put up. Now you know, they don’t like you spreading their kitty pics all over town.
I think it’s awesome that the cat named ‘Ax murderer’ gave up and RAN AWAY.
My cats still fight — then they get up on a chair and fall asleep in each other’s paws. It’s something they never grow out of.
You should have immediately starting making out with B. Give him a little taste of what you were experiencing. Second hand kitty fart is just as deadly. At least that’s what I heard.
No, no. Shit no!
Wow. Grossness.
Always astounds me how something so cute and cuddly can smell so bad…
Wow. I miss you.
And I second the “thank god it wasn’t a kitty shart” comment.
That video reminds me of my hubs and I fighting over the remote. I’m going to have to remember the fart defense move. That will teach him to mess with moi!!!
i still refuse to twitter but feel better about my monday morning. i can almost taste yours.
I’m sorry, I couldn’t get past the fact that those kittens are SO F-ING CUTE!!! Seriously, two kittens is SO much cuter than one kitten, you can’t get mad at those little furballs!!!
Did you know that some people have a swallowing fart fetish? You could probably whore your kittens out for some good money.
the fart fumes probably sterilized your throat on both the inhale and the return trip as you coughed them out, so now the next time you snuggle with murray’s butthole it won’t burn as much.
bet that ain’t got nothing on our dog’s farts… Those things can wipe out an entire room in one go!
oh my god.
i want to squeeze those little animals. in a good way.
aahaahaahahahahaha. that was amazing. and, i LOVED the video commentary. hysterical. i don’t know if i’d be able to go to work with 2 kitties that cute in my house. i’d want to stay home and play with them all day.
Wow, I don’t even know what to say!!
Lmao! The phrase “your life, my entertainment” comes to mind
however you two could put up with that two fur balls. ahahahahah. they’re just so effing cute!
Ohh my, that is hilarious! That video is pretty cute, too..
who would of thought something so tiny and cute could smell that bad…poor you but sorry it is funny.
I’m speechless.. lol : )
brutal! they are damn cute kittens though.
HAHAHAHAHAHA – as a fellow cat owner I can totally understand the horror that of which is a kitty fart.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Hahaha – I’m so sorry for you, but still….hilarious.
It’s the sweet and innocent looking ones that get you.
Haha! Gross!
I love the commentary. It is amazing.
I want Don Draper to touch me in my bathing suit area.
The end.
Oof, nasty! But prolly VERY good practice for having kids someday…with all the grossness that coems with babies…
I couldnt stop laughing when I read it in twitter… and as for the video, nothing like two furry pussies getting it on.
Huh. So your kitties aren’t the soul sucking variety…they’re going to kill you with fart torture. That’s kind of awesome.
Oh man, kitty farts. Gross. My boyfriend said that my cat has been farting all weekend. I was lucky enough not to smell that.
aawwww so cute! and funny! and what are you feeding those things?
LOLS…this post took my breath away…Almost died of laughter. hahahaha
I just laughed so hard I cried.
And Murray pouncing on Axe at the very end? Totally priceless.
Because yes.
OMG. It is so funny, but I feel bad for you at the same time b/c that is just awful!
I feel your pain. Cody did this to me once. He is a 50 pound dog. I could literally see the ripple of his ass, but it was too late.
I am counting myself fortunate in that I have never suffered through a kitten fart to the face. Now dog farts to the face….whole ‘nother story. Ecccccch. Happy Monday!
Those kittehs are soooo cute! I can’t wait to meet them!
(I’m thinking about getting another fur ball myself…Callie has been alone for too long!)
I suggest kitten diapers!
Kitties! Must suppress urge to squee!!!
Congrats on making it through the weekend without ODing.
But this cat blowing ass thing is terrifying…
bleech! That sounds nasty. Who knew something so foul could come from somethings fluffy.
After that post I will be after second-by-second updates.
Can’t believe you sling your kittens about, when they hit stuff do they not mind?!
Oh good lordy! You are now ready for children. My son threw up in my mouth once. Poo I’ve managed to avoid…
well, at least he didn’t poop in your mouth.
I would have thrown up all over the kitty.
Meow.
can’t.stop.laughing.
I just choked on my food! Thanks for that! Too f’n funny!
LMFAO!!!!!!!!! I think you may be just a TAD overdramatic, no?!
I didn’t even know cats could fart! You learn something new every day
Your cat’s TMI Thursday blog entry will be all about how he farted in your face.
Oh, holy hell…I would have thrown up!!! GROSS!!! Hope today goes better… and by that I mean I hope no more kitties fart in your mouth.
LOL. Poor LiLu. I should have warned you that cats love to stick their cute little butts in your face. Yet another crazy cat “quirk”.
Hahahaha! That is terrible, yet incredibly hilarious!!! I missed the Tweet!
I feel sick now that I had some cheese sticks and just read this…
Ewwww! Oh geez. That’s awful. You were clearly cheering for him during the smack down, and this is how he says thanks.
Woolly: Thanks, love.
Lemmonex: I KNEW it! There is a cat lady in there somewhere!
moooooog35: Ugh. I just choked again.
Fizzgig: Yeah, this won’t be NEARLY as tolerable when they weigh more than a 2 pounds…
cavy: My cats are going to vom in your mouth next time you’re here. I’m training them.
SLG: I was only a little mad. He was TERRIFIED, mostly because I flung his ass across the bed.
jen – tsk: Oh, EW. Thanks for that visual!
hannahjustbreathe: NO, no one warned me! There was no warning! I checked the manual…
Julie Q: Best. Analogy. EVER!!!
PQ: Oh, VOM.
Racquel Valencia: I’ve stepped in many a cow pie, but this was WAY worse.
Kate: I smell (literally) a TMI Thursday coming on…
Hammer: Thank god for the cuteness, or they’d be out on the street.
Lexilooo: Amen, sister. Ugh.
Cee: I felt it deserved an explanation
BMT: Obviously! I will cease and desist if it means no more mouth-toots!
Snay: I hope the fighting never stops… but the farting I can do without.
JPP: Oooo… (sticks plan in pocket for next time).
Scandalous HW: Shit, no. Fart? YES.
nancypearlwanna: Of the fartiest order.
Miss Scorpio: ASTONISHING, truly.
Fearless: You’ll get to see them in four days!
Claire: I can mail you some fart if you’d REALLY like to taste it. Exchange for the boogers?
Amber: It’s a good thing they’re so cute… OR ELSE.
Maxie: You can just tell me if you want to eat their farts. This is a safe place.
Lana: Silver lining, eh?
JM: Tis true- I’ve smelled big doggy farts, and they are definitely more pungent…
brookem: Come and play with them (July 4th! July 4th!)
regardez moi: I did. For two days when we got them
Kristina P: Me either. Mostly because when I talk I can still taste it.
Girl OAJ: As RSwould say, I’m here all blog.
girl in stiletto: It is what is saving them…
Children 90s: They do that all. Night. Long. And it is adorable… so long as we’re not sleeping.
Blondie: Oh, please laugh! I wouldn’t share if I wasn’t hoping SOMEONE could at least enjoy it
Lil’ Woman: You and me both. (Cough.)
bikramyogachick: They surely are. Evil, but cute.
vazenchick: THE HORROR indeed!
Beach Bum: I knew you’d like that.
Liebchen: Yeah. People say that about me too…
Megan: Totes magotes!
***Liz***: Amazingly dorky. But thanks
Kate: *Nods in agreement*
lustyreader: No babies! No whammies!
PorkStar: You are the first to make that joke! Amazing!
shine: I’ll take it over soul sucking, I spose.
Rebel Mel: You WERE lucky, trust!
mylittlebecky: Methinks we’ll be cutting down on the wet food…
ChinkyGirLMeL: And Murray almost took mine away! lol
Deutlich: He is ferocious. Even without an Axe.
Kellie: You’re pretty much the first person to show any sympathy. Therefore, you are my favorite.
f.B: “The ripple of his ass”- I just snorted in my officle.
inkpuddle: I’m not sure what’s worse… I’m thinking dog though.
Kristin: I hope they’re not too big by October! And you definitely should…
repliderium: They need it. They step in it, too. Vom.
Sadako: Don’t even try- just let it out. There, isn’t that better?
K_Streams: TRULY terrifying. Trust.
Nikki: I sure do now!
mo.stoneskin: Sling them about? They do it themselves!
Kelly: No no no- no babies! Grody!
JoLee: Fair enough…
Briana: Kinky… oh wait. I mean, um… awkward.
Shelly: You are so welcome, my dear.
WickedCourtni: Shush, you! Why don’t you taste and let me know?
kilax: NEITHER DID I. Ugh.
Del-V: I thought about saving it, but it’s really Murray’s tale, after all.
Heather: I will be avoiding kitty ass like the plague tonight.
HannahBlue: They can take their “quirks” and shove it
ScribblesNDots: Well, as long as you caught the blog!
Dmbosstone: Mmmm… dairy + kitty fart = no good…
Summer: I know! Next time I’m rooting for Axe, all the way!
Silent but deadly – they get you every freakin time!
Oh. My. God.
I would have totally freaked out! Eew! Love the feline-swine flu line, hysterical.
TMI MOnday? LOl
I loveeeee your stories! HAHAHA this one is just..oh wow i hope it never happens to me
Kitty fight and no naked chicks?
Tease.
My beloved… this is just the beginning. I have had sleepless night due to the wonderful smell of doggy farts… It’s just the beginning, but you’ll love them anyways
Ah! I will always wonder, how such a small body can make such a big terrible smell?
At least it was kitten fart and not cat fart – I’m pretty sure there’s a difference. You know – matured VS young.
Okay no wait.
A fart is a fart right?
You know the saying better burp and taste it, that fart and waste it?
Yeah. That fart wasn’t wasted.
Okay I’ll stop now.
*sniggers*
nasty nasty NASTY! barf. that is just nasty!
EW! I wonder if it will pass through YOUR body as gas, or will it settle and fester in there?!
lol, I was reading this at my desk and was getting caught up in the story when someone walked up to me and startled me! As I’m reading about kitty farts. Bad!
OMG! Thanks for the Monday laugh, I really needed it. Murray fart! LOL
Murray is a boy and Axe Murderer is a girl, yes? I think you videotaped foreplay there.
I think that Murray is letting Axe-Murderer win. I mean, boys aren’t supposed to beat up on the girls.
And you mean to tell me that kitten’s don’t fart rainbows and sunshine? I’m disappointed.
Have you ever tried it?
So far, the only success I have had are a few paid to post sites and a few survey sites. It’s bringing me a little extra cash each month, but not enough to pay the bills with. I need to make 20-30 times the amount I am making now to pay the bills and live happily.
I would be such a little happy clam if I got to work from home!
Awwww but so what if he farted in your mouth, soooo cute!
Please don’t hate me.
Did you still get some after the fart??
http://fab.typepad.com/brunette
I feel your pain and hope no one ever has to experience a kitty fart down the throat ever again…then again, those can’t be half as bad as experiencing a dutch oven by the boyfriend…
Down the throat! That’s horrendous!
I’ve had the dog fart in my face three times now. It’s like he gets a kick out of it.
sweet jesus. i am far, FAR too familiar with the uncanny rankness of kitteh farts, but i’ve never had to EAT one before. that’s… eep. i’m sorry.
I needed this good laugh! Sorry you inhaled a kitty fart..
OMG! I lol-ed so much I almost farted! No. I don’t fart. Really. I don’t. My son says that’s why I get so many stomach aches. He’s probably right.
But, I digress. I can’t even imagine how horrifying that experience was. And B’s reaction reminds of the way my husband would have reacted. He laughs at me all the time.
I think I will pass.
Actually that is what passes for a cat compliment. BTW, you can do what you want but I would suggest getting the kitten out of the bedroom now if you plan on getting any sleep for the next 17 years or so. Oh, and that “fight” is just regular cat play. They love a good tussle.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA only you.
this shit only happens to you. LMAO
and i love bubbles too. i’m half way through season 2 and can i just say, wtf stringer?!?! i used to like you till that shit with d!! i think i even teared up a little. no lie.
“OoOOooOOooo face punch!!!!”
It’s been almost 8 hrs… and I’m still laughing about this!
LiLu there’s some people in japan that will pay very good money for that experience. Maybe you should whore the kitten out!
Gross, yet funny. I’m sorry!
i need to figure out twitter better, because i would have loved to offer my support. or mirth. whatevs.
yeah your morning does not sound ideal whatsoever. boo to cat farts. granted i guess it could have been worse. it could have been cat vomit, that would have just been disgusting.
OMG! This was HILARIOUS! And disgusting, of course, but if it was anything like puppy-breath, it wasn’t that bad. LOL
Loved the video, too, BTW. You’re the best.
And p.s. Bravo on guessing my giveaway (going to post it tonight)!
kitty farts are the worst. my kitty and my man compete on who can run me out of the living room the quickest!
Wow. That’s disgusting…yet strangely funny.
Serena: The old SBD- the worst weapon in the arsenal!
Gibby: It’s true. I’ve had a sore throat all day.
Andhari: I knew it was ALMOST TMI, but I couldn’t wait to tell it.
rs27: Touche, salesman. Touche.
Titania: Murray does not even weigh TWO POUNDS. Explain this to me??
sleepyjane: Oh, GROSS. And totally hilarious. Thanks for that!
drollgirl: Yes. It was like a kitten butt queef. Vomitous.
Sassy Britches: Great. Just great. Now I don’t want dinner. Wait, maybe I do… it might push it through.
Katie cat: Eh. If someone doesn’t appreciate a good fart joke, they are no friend of mine.
SMB: I have a feeling “Murray fart” is going to become a tag for this blog…
lacochran: Until I cut his nuts off in a few months… probably.
Hannah-Lane: There was no rainbow. Unless rainbow tastes like kitten queef.
Rebel Mel: As of such, it is only a dream. A beautiful one, but a dream nonetheless.
Marie: Guess who’s babysitting when we go on vaca? YOU.
Margarita: Sure, but no kissing. So, yanno, pretty standard.
KIDDING.
Selectively Bitchy: Honestly? I’ll take the Dutch Oven. At least I can hold my breath through some of that, instead of EATING it.
Kim: It’s like a game… a horrible, HORRIBLE game.
Alice: He’s a sneaky little fluffball, this one.
Caroline: As long as you laughed
Wild Boomba: B is cold and heartless. Though I would have done the same were it reversed…
WickedCourtni: Wuss.
Spellbound: Yeah, we’ve started shutting them out at night… sad but true.
Emily: “Only to you”- it’s SO true. WTF?
Cee: Ha! I’m so glad. Face punch!
Mr. Condescending: You’re the second person to say that. I fear for humanity.
Jules: It’s okay. Someone should enjoy it.
Vittoria: Your condolences/mirth were missed.
Katelin: Yeah, I guess I’ll take fart in the mouth over vomit. Vomit over poop, though!
Mrs4444: I KNEW it! I am so entering! (And thank you
Blaez: I believe it. I feel your pain!
Katie: Oh, come on. You know me. It’s not THAT strange.
106 comments??
That’s it. I’m ending my blog.
Yea, try that but with an 18 lb border terrier that likes vegetables.
Nice.
I love your blog. I gave you an award at mine.
I saw your problem on twitter and was shamefully amused
love your blog …go collect your award on mine!
ok that video is ridiculously disgustingly cute – like i can’t handle it cuteness. AND I DONT EVEN LIKE KITTEH’s!
can I make a pussy joke or is that just wrong?
OMG…That was so damn funny!
Too bad you couldn’t capture that scent and wear it to work for your co-workers to enjoy.
Omg your life is too freakin funny.. I can’t imagine this happening to anyone but you.
LOL thats hilarious. as the keeper of a stinky cat, i know they have unpleasant habits. but sometimes it makes you love them more.
Ewww I can taste it myself right now just thinking of it…you poor girl!
YES. Now I can tell Megan that mine aren’t as bad as she claims! At least I don’t fart down her throat!!!
Dr Zibbs: It’s all about the farts, apparently.
Mike: Um. Passing.
nikki: Thanks so much, darlin! I really appreciate it
Krystyna Liz: Aww, you rock my world. Thanks, babe!
alexa: You can see them in five days… and you WILL love them!!!
JoLee: You wouldn’t be the first. Please do.
LMB: Eau de Murray Toot. I like it.
LMO: You’re not the first to say that, and you’re so, SO right.
alissa: He is pretty cute… even tooting.
Desert Rat: Truly. It was horrible… so horrible!
Shannon: And I’m guessing you wipe better than Murray, too…
Ummm, that’s pretty funny, cuz anytime Sweets hears someone sniffle, sneeze or cough, he says SWINE FLU loud enough to make people around us feel really uncomfortable. I can’t help but giggle.
My 50 lb. German Shepherd mix has worse farts than any human being I have EVER met. Their absolutely deplorable. So, I kinda know how you feel. Haha.
ooooh! The kitties are so cute!! (did you say something else?)
lol!!!
That is LITERALLY MY tuxedoed cat. There is NO. DIFFERENCE.
Except now mine is large and bulbous.
I DO need to know what you’re doing every second. In a creepy way.
And that is why Murray is the perfect addition to your little family.
The other one not so much…well until he poops in your cereal or some such nonsense.
OH my bleeping god, that story was funny.
i never heard a cat fart, period. i’m gonna keep quiet more often to listen for it now…hehe.
i’ve had stinky cat ass in the face, when they get a little poo stuck to their cat pants…thats not too pleasant…and for a while i keep seeing little anal poop star markings and streaks from them scooting…blech, once on my duvet…real nice guys.
you have the cutest little kitens, holy..and great blog btw.
Oh. Dear.
I can relate. One of my puppies constantly farts while we’re snuggling in bed. I shriek every single time. There is nothing worse than sitting in a cloud of Stella fart (except, perhaps, swallowing Murray fart.)
Awwwhh! Axe Murderer looks just like my kitty! Except mine has white on her face. They have the same weird white marking on their legs though.
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