Update: You guys were pretty much across the board with your responses per 2 truths and 1 lie… let’s see what we got.
1. When I was 12, I showed a cow at a county fair. Yes, I mean “showed”… just like a dog show. You lose points if they poop.
100% true. And my readers since the beginning of time knew it… here’s the proof. I may be a Masshole from Woostah, but my grandfather was a dairy farmer in upstate New York. And you totally do lose points if they poop! Redic.
2.
I’m related to Katie Couric (by marriage, but still).LIE! Special shout out to Meghan for knowing that, seeing as… “You’re not related to Katie Couric because I am and you weren’t at her last extended-family-by-marriage-mixer. Busted.” Fair enough. Katie IS, however, a good family friend, and attended both my uncle’s wedding and my grandparent’s 50th anniversary. And, she is delightful.
3. My record for orgasms in a 24 hour period is 13. Unlucky? I think not.Completely and totally true, thanks to B, an Arrested Development-interspersed with porn marathon, and a weekend of not leaving his little basement apartment in Capitol Hill. I had to count because we were beating the old record, DUH. Mmmmmmm… let me bask in the glow for a second… Okay, I’m alright now.
So congrats to everyone who picked Twosie! You win… um, a deep sense of satisfaction and my undying love.
Since I got approximately 15 minutes of sleep last night, which is only slightly better than the nights preceeding that… we’re gonna take it niiiiiice and easy today. (TWSS.)
Everyone’s playing this funsies game called “Two Truths and a Lie.” It’s um, exactly like it sounds… I tell you three things, and you try to guess which is the lie. GO!
1. When I was 12, I showed a cow at a county fair. Yes, I mean “showed”… just like a dog show. You lose points if they poop.
2. I’m related to Katie Couric (by marriage, but still).
3. My record for orgasms in a 24 hour period is 13. Unlucky? I think not.
Next up, my fiancee, (at least on Facebook- I like friends!), the gorgeous and potent Maxie, plays a little game on Wednesdays called “Would You Rather…” Since she was kind enough to join me in TMI Thursdays a gazillion times, I think it’s time for a little payback. (Um, if you’re eating breakfast, put it down.)
B, his work wife birthcontroljill and I came up with this one over too many drinks… but truthfully, it was mostly his gem of an idea so you have him to blame.
Would you rather…
Pull a tampon out of a 500 lb woman sitting in a chair (so you have to dig through the folds) WITHOUT USING YOUR HANDS… and you have no idea when she was last sponge-bathed…
Or, give a homeless man of 5 years a rim job for a full minute?
How’d I do, Maxie? Pretty effing gross, no? NO WHAMMIES!!!
In other news, we have a winner for Friday’s giveaway. I made a video but then I watched it this morning and seriously, y’all don’t need to see me like that. I don’t need to see me like that. But, from ~125 entries, the winner is…
Elizabeth Marie from It’s Unbeweavable!
Congrats, honeybun. I’ll put you in touch with my man Drew so you can collect your oh-so-pretty purple bunny Rabbit. *wink*
And um, Drew, if you need anyone to test out that ADORAMABLE Hello Kitty pocket vibrator, just say the word…
{ 95 comments }
Okay, I’m going to say that you:
Cleaned the cow at a Big E festival and had the 13 orgasms in the 24 hour period.
Not buying the Katie Couric thing.
Is there a 3rd option for WYR? Like, run away and scream?
I going with option 3 because with my luck, if I say either one, it may come back to haunt me this lifetime.
Congrats elizabeth marie!
LiLu, I’m gonna guess that showing the cow is lie. The other two just seem too truthful.
I’d do the 500 pound tampon thing since I’ve pretty much done that already.
Some things about college I’m not very proud of.
Is the cow thing the lie? I dunno… it’s almost believable – I suck at this game.
And I would rather just not do either. Cus that’s both disgusting. Option 3: run away.
http://fab.typepad.com
congrats elizabeth! take good care of the bunny :*( i’m happy for you but feel sad at my own luck LOL.
anyhoo. EUWWWWWW I would rather play dead like a dog on wednesday than do all those mentioned. ahahaha.
what is WRONG with you and maxie? whatever it is . . . don’t go changing.
i suppose i’d go with the tampon. ew. flashback to last week’s jelly pack.
and i think the 13 orgasms is a lie. who counts?
Oh gross.
Massholes don’t show cows at county fairs. Shit, does Massachusetts even have a county fair? I say #1 is a lie. =)
I think the 13 orgasms is a lie…And I guess I’d have to do the tampon thing… but eww!!
#1 is the lie.
this question is HORRIBLE.
and the homeless man. I think i said the woman before, but I’ve had a change of heart.
I’m also guessing no1!
And um. Jesus. The tampon thing.
‘Scuse me while I go puke.
That’s horrible. However maybe I could remove the tampon with my dextrous toes. It might be slightly less traumatic that way.
I am afraid that mental image is going to turn someone on. Gross. You’re all gross.
i think #1 is a lie.
and i’d rather not answer the WYR – you and maxie did NASTY ones this week.
Hmm, I don’t think you showed a cow.
As for the other, I’m thinking the woman, she’s still got to be cleaner than the homeless man.
I don’t believe you’re related to Katie Couric…because that’s too easy.
I think, if I have to pick, and I really don’t want to pick, but if I have to pick, I’ll go with the 1/2 ton woman. At least, theoretically, I might be able to get to that little string without my mouth being molested by too much stanky vag.
Ugh.
Thanks, I just threw up a little.
I would say #3. I hope I’m wrong.
I’d do the tampon thing. Oh look, I just threw up a little again!
you lose points if they poop?? how stupid!!
i’d pick the tampon chick. can i use my feet?
dang yours is totally gross!!! I’d rather not play!
I’d say #1 but you know a lot about the poop and all….but you could be saying that to throw us off. So, #1
oh your shit cracks me up!!!!
i am going with the katie couric and tampon thing. eeeeeeeeewqwwwwwwwwwww
No, you totes showed a cow. That one’s true.
I’m on the fence as to the orgasm one. Were these thirteen self-induced or did you have help? Somehow, it would be more believable if no one else had a *hand* in your hitting the baker’s dozen.
I’m gonna call bullshit on the Katie Couric thing.
And I’d choose the tampon option, because you didn’t say I couldn’t use SOMEONE ELSE’S HANDS. You’re coming with me on that little mission, missy. Ha ha. That’ll teach you to not be specific enough.
Well, I know for a fact #1 is true, you put a picture of yourself and the cow up last year. It was so cute, just something about a girl and her cow. Don’t know about #2, but I’m willing to bet you’ve had more than 13 Os in a day. So I’m guessing #3 is the lie, but a lie of omission.
I refuse to engage in WYR, I choose death to either option (but if forced I’d go with mumblemumblemumblethesecondchoicemumblemumble).
Tampon. I am afraid of all the things in the crack of a homeless man.
I mentioned you on my famous blog.
I’m pullin’ the tampon out of the 500 pounder. I can ALWAYS wash ma hands after. Or use gloves.
As for the lie?
I pick Katie Couric. Mainly because I really want the cow thing to be true.
I cant even answer the “would you rather”
too discusting.
I can say, I am pretty sure that #1 is a LIE because if I remember correctly, you grew up in woosta. a cow? in woosta? I think not.
I am totally going to follow your lead, and post something similar to this today..
And ALSO! Expect your email today – i have been slacking!
I totally believe you showed a cow.
The laws of irony dictate that you be related to Katie Couric.
I’m saying that 13 orgasms in 24 hours is a lie. Too low.
I guess I’d have to go with the fat lady, but I’m not very happy about it.
How does one become a vibrator tester? Best. Job. Ever.
so. obviously i didn’t read it correctly
i still say tampon
i want nothing to do with 5-year-old crusty hershey squirts
This is my first visit to your blog….You had me at “give a homeless man of 5 years a rim job for a full minute”.
You complete me.
This is my first visit to your blog….You had me at “give a homeless man of 5 years a rim job for a full minute”.
You complete me.
See…I like you so much, I posted it twice.
Shit.
I am not answering that question… OK OK-the fat lady. I tried to get the wife to enter your contest but she thought it looked a little too scary.
Just when I thought, “LiLu cannot gross me out anymore” you go and pull some fat tampon action, with a side of homeless rim job. Well played. Iam going fat chick.
Ha, I like the rationale that #3 has to be a lie, ’cause when you get that high, who’s counting anymore? (Or, who has any rational thought at all?)
And GROSS wyw. But I’m thinking tampon. With my toes. And then I’d vom.
I hate multiple choice! I’m guessing you’re not related to Katie Couric.
I refuse to participate in Would You Rather. I think I actually threw up in my mouth. Blaaaaach!
*I’m saying #1 is the lie…..you can’t lose points if they poop…can you?
*If I can use tongs with my mouth to remove the tampon, then that one…
*I SO missed the rabbit contest…gonna do another?
I must say, your Would You Rather is MUCH different than the ones I usually see.
ugh, the rimjob.
ew ew ew ew ew
ew ew ew ew ew
ew ew ew ew ew
ew ew ew ew ew
ew ew ew ew ew
ew ew ew ew ew
I’d pull the tampon.
See, most people automatically assume teeth.
Fuck that.
Feet my dear, feet. I could do it.
And afterwards, you can soak your feet in a bucket of chlorine. Can’t do that with your mouth.
People are so dumb
This Mike guy is a genius. I’m teefing his solution. Take the feet to the fat lady.
Also, I don’t buy the Katie Couric thing, only because you mentioned cow pies once on my blog and, while I’ve never actually kept track, I’m sure my own orgasm record is in the double-digits. S’good to be a girl.
and i think 3 is a lie, too. if it was that good, you weren’t keeping a record of it. unless you recorded it and watched it all and then took notes… damn. now my rationale is screwed.
and still haven’t budged: no way it’s the rimjob. just never.
I like your wed game…. an ex & I use to do it all the time and we'd get bonus points if there was gagging involved…
I think the cow thing is the lie- based soley on the fact that they get demerits for shitting because I don't think you'd have anything to do with that stupid rule. Your blog does NOT give demerits for shitting
i don’t know why this choice seems so obvious to me, but definitely the tampon one. i should be MUCH more disturbed by how willing i am to do this, methinks.
i think #2 is a lie. mostly because i want #1 and #3 to be true.
If number 3 is true, please don’t tell my wife. I’m tired.
Holy Cow balls! I’m pretty sure that is a lie. You shared too much info. I wonder if anyone ever puts a cork in the pooper to keep them from going. I would surely win had I shown cows…but alas I was in 4H for horses (no horse, I showed my 3 legged hamster)
Oh my GOD those options are both so disgusting I don’t think I would ever be able to choose! AHHH! Good one, though.
No Rabbit?
*Tear*
Oh well …
*Pout*
I think the lie is #1
I think you would rather pull the tampon. With your feet because then you can kick the shit out of her at the same time… cause I know your ass would be hot about doing it.
Everyone wins.
Ew, don’t make me choose! This is the grossest one yet. Well done
The tampon.
easy.
I can’t choose. They both made me go “yuck” out loud, sitting at my desk at work. I couldn’t stop myself. Pretty f’ing gross. Kudos to you for coming up with it! You’re damn good LiLu. Damn good.
I have no idea about two truths and a lie. I was awful at that game, because I would always say something ridiculous like “I’m secretly married to Trent Reznor.”
As for the WYR, I say woman. At least she won’t get spermies on your mouth.
You won’t be surprised to hear that the “would you rather” game question makes me want to throw up. I will be recovering from that all day.
13 in one day? hell, i don’t think I’ve had that many in my life! I’m, let’s see,… difficult.
I’ll say the Katie Couric thing is false.. it seems too normal and low key.
I think I’ll take the tampon. you said no hands but I could use some gardening tools or something.
Um, I’m pretty sure I’d rather die.
And I vote for No. 2. Not poop — Katie Couric.
I think that the 13 orgasms/24 hours is the lie… if you’re going to count, you probably wouldn’t have that low of a number.
And, tampon w/my toesies. I have me some talented toesies.
Good news, bad news. Bad news is your ‘Would you rather’ query left me sick at my stomach that I may throw up. Good news is I’m on a bikini diet, so I want to stay away from food, anyway!
Lovin’ ya, LiLu!
I’ll go with Katie Couric and orgasms!
*Dear Swank magazine, I never thought this would happen to… I mean, that I would say such a thing*
I’ll take the homeless man for $200, Alex.
I can’t believed I missed a chance at a rabbit!!!!
I’m going to guess #2 is a lie.
And I’m going to go with the fat woman. Who needs their feet, anyway? And then I would throw up.
I thought it was just going to be another Wednesday. NOPE!. It’s a I WON A PRETTY VIBRATOR WEDNESDAY!
Thank you, ohh so much…ummm I’ll let you know how it goes?? AWKWARD
XOXO
I think Katie Couric is a lie… also, I threw up in my mouth a little from both of those images. If I HAD to choose, I would go fat lady and use my FEET. bah!
LMB: Big E Festival? What is this you speak of?
Mr. Condescending: The cow doesn’t seem truthful? You hurt her feelings.
moooooog35: I got the idea from your yearbook.
Margarita: If you run away the homeless man will bite you and give you rabies and you will die. So there.
the girl: If you play dead like a dog the 500 lb woman will sit on you. So there.
Claire: I saw the jelly packet in real life. Maxie wiggled it at me over a brunch table.
I didn’t eat very much.
Shannon: Fair enough.
Nilsa: True, but GRANDPARENTS who live in upstate NY may have cows…
liferehab: It is a tough choice, but I trust you to choose the right path.
Maxie: I think you’re the only one who said him so far. Interesting.
sleepyjane: Here’s a bucket.
Bethie: Gross is as gross does. I don’t even know what that means.
alexa: You would have died on the road trip to NY.
A Super Girl: Agreed re: the woman.
shine: Katie’s good people! And I bet the string’s all slimy. Just sayin.
Marie: I hope you’re wrong, too… sorry for all the vomit!
SLG: If you can really succeed that way, sure. But remember it’s 12 hours old = slippery…
Fizzgig: I am a tricksy one…
Kristen: Well played, young soldier. Well played.
freckledk: Best baker’s dozen EVER. But if it happened, I had help…
BeckEye: You win this round, Nemesis!
FoggyDew: I knew one of you would remember Francy
Lemmonex: Fair enough. Maybe he’s afraid of you too.
Dr Zibbs: We’re FB friends! Holla!
Deutlich: NO HANDS!
Rebel Mel: I did grow up in Woosta. But my grandparents live in Poughkeepsie…
verybadcat: Too low? Damn. And YES please re: that job!
Deutlich: I knew you’d come around. Also, I vurped at “hershey squirts”. GROSS.
Miss Yvonne: You love me, you really love me! *hug*
Chris: It’s not THAT scary… you just gotta break it in!
justjp: WIN!!! No whammies!
Liebchen: And then sterilize.
Summer: I’m sorry. Let me get you a bucket…
From the Inside Out: Shoot a tweet at my man Drew… never hurts to ask
Kristina P: Uh oh. I’ve desecrated an institution.
JudgeyGirl: WIN.
Mike: Can you peel a banana?
Racquel Valencia: I do talk about cow pies a lot.
f.B: That’s fair. But I don’t know how to make the woman any grosser…
repliderium: Gagging or just a little mouth vom = a WIN. Definitely.
Alice: Your wish is my command…
DouglasDyer: I’ll scream it from the e-rooftops.
Nikki: A cork in the pooper would be STRICTLY forbidden in the rules. Not that I know or anything.
adriana: Mission accomplished.
Miss Rosa: I’m sorry, love muffin! Talk to the Drew man and see where the next giveaway is going to be
WickedCourtni: Gross. Well done for turning the tables, my dear.
Lindsay: YES! *fist pump* (in the air, not the 500 lb lady)
Matt: For a guy, perhaps.
bikramyogachick: This was mostly B’s creation, to be honest. He’s good.
K@ Blog Goggles: Googling Trent Reznor…
Kate CH: A little word association, eh? So sorry…
JoLee: You’d need a hell of a hoe. HA!
Kate: Ha- I love the clarification.
MsDarkstar: That low? Damn, girlie!
Scandalous Housewife: Glad to help out! xoxo
Eric: Hahahahahahahaha
RL Lesbian: You’re the second person of 60 something to pick him. He’s all yours.
Jaime: Feet are totally overrated. Here’s the bucket.
Elizabeth Marie: I was going to tell you too, but I managed to stop myself. There’s enough uncomfortable in this post for one day. Congrats!!!
WuTang: You must have some talented tootsies
I so believe that you would keep track of orgasms in a 24 hour period.
I’m having a hard time with the cow showing. But did you know you get more points for teasing their tails?
Katie Couric is the trick.
The lie: #1
That’s my guess and I’m sticking to it.
Eww, I guess if forced to choose, I’d give a homeless guy a rim job, at least then I wouldn’t barf from smelling a 500 pound smelly person.
Oh, and I love love Hello Kitty…I just might need that vibrator…
You’re not related to Kaite Couric because I am and you weren’t at her last extended-family-by-marriage-mixer. Busted.
And I’d remove the tampon with my foot. Then I’d remove my foot.
I would answer if I knew what a rim job is…and if I wasn’t feeling lazy to google it…sounds more disgusting than Maxie’s WYRW of the day though.
is #3 a lie? If not I so should get a new boyfriend.
I would guess the cow one as the lie.
Both options are pretty repulsive, but if forced I would probably have to take the first. You could use your feet, right? I wonder if they make foot gloves…
I reckon they’re all lies, you’re breaking the rules. I reckon you shoved a homeless man, that’s the actual truth right.
(I meant shoved, that wasn’t me misunderstanding ‘showed’)
3 is false and I seriously can’t choose on the would you rather…worst one I’ve ever heard lol!
I played Would You Rather once. But it was a “who would you rather do” game. Clearly, I am outmatched. Is there a Hall of Fame for Would You Rathers?
I’m gonna say that you aren’t related to Couric because if you were you wouldn’t have let her take the serious news gig. Also, I maybe like the idea of you showing a cow.
I’d take the tampon. I imagine you’d never forget the taste of homeless hole, no matter how much absinthe you drank. ::dry heaves::
I think #3 is a lie.
And your Would you Rather is sooooooo gross!! ewww
When I first read this post, I was sure you wrote, “I SHOVED a cow” at a farm show. And I had this great mental image of you walking up to old Betsy and pushing her the fuck over. And then some inbred, toothless farmer comes chasing you with a rusty rake.
And I’d go hunting for that tampooon. Kinda like bobbing for apples inside a walrus, no?
katie couric.
i have no idea. i know i am a total pussy. whatcha going to do about it? absolutely nothing.
I’m going w/ #3 as being false. 13 seems like a ton to have in one day, but then again some women are lucky in that department, so I hope I’m wrong…
As for the WYRW, I’m totally gagging just thinking about either of these. Is death an option?
i’ll say #2 is false. why? i don’t know. and that tmi is too gross to even think about, haha. i don’t think i could pick one of those, too nasty.
You are a fun party girl, I bet! Thanks for stopping by my blog..
I think #2 (related to Katie Couric is false) and I’m not even going to do the would you rather, both are just too disgusting for me to even fathom.
OK, now that I’ve thought about it more probably the homeless guy one because it would probably take a lot more than a minute to dig through 500 pounds of fat with your mouth.
*shudder* how do you come up with these things!
you’re such a liar, no 13 organism thingie!!! what is a rim job??? it sounds like it has to do with poop. this is fun!!! do it again.
how does a 500lb woman even get a tampon in? ew. but i’d take it out if it meant not having to give a nasty ass bum a rim job. i only want a bucket by my side because i most definitely will be puking during that time.
Which one was the gross one?
I don’t want to sound weird.
Which one was the gross one?
I don’t want to sound weird.
I agree with the tampon-toes configuration. I don’t think I could give a clean asshole a rim job let alone one that hasn’t seen toilet paper in an undisclosed period of time! Barf…
I’m so not gonna go eat some chocolate ice cream now like I was planning…
That would you rather may be one of the grosses I’ve read yet!
I’m saying #2 is a lie.
And I think i would have to do the rimjob.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFuck! i thought for sure i would win this thing!
and there is no way you had 13 orgasms in one day. or if you did, i am seriously doing something wrong here!
Um Id say you lied about the orgasm.
The would you rather question is N/A to a male so I am going to flip it and ask you which one you prefer ?
I’m waffling between the first and the last being a lie. Because I have amazing faith in your sexual powers, I’m going to go with numba one.
And as for the Would You Rather… tampon.
Also, what’s up with the guy above me? The question is N/A to a male? Seems like a pretty equal opportunity question to me.
Hmm. My thought was number two.
I guess I’d go with the tampon because I’m used to those. But man reading those both was icky!
The 13, I think you’d lost count after 9.
UGH…I guess the lady, I can take it out with my feet. YUK.
the reason i have SUCKED this week is because i too am not sleeping. we’re so… in sync? insomniatically?
in other news, i can’t believe i had to re-picture the would you rather. oh my god, i might vomit.
and that’s cool about katie. i am related to no one awesome. well, except my immediate family who ROCK out with their COCKS out.
(did i mention i haven’t been sleeping? because i have not)
Interesting game “Two truths and a lie” I might have to steal (sorry Borrow)it for a future Blog.
As for “Would you rather Wednesday”
I just attended a gig in London in aid of the homeless. It was OK but they had made the mistake of using an actual homeless person to collect the tickets on the door. I almost got to see what I had eaten for breakfast so it would have to be the tampon, but I can assure you I would be using my feet…..
SMB: Please refer to the link above for proof that I DID in fact show cows.
Wonderful: I’m thinking of buying it, actually… too cute!
Meghan: You caught me red-handed! Maybe YOU were at my grandparent’s 50th!
Thrice: You don’t want to google rim job, trust me. Bless your innocence.
Andhari: I am a lucky, lucky girl.
Children 90s: Gotcha! I know I don’t seem like the farm type, but I totally showed a cow
mo.stoneskin: Shoved a homeless man? Even I’m not that cruel. Unless he touched me. Then, TOTES.
Hanako66: Wuss!
Colby: If there is, Maxie and I reign supreme.
Cheddar: Good call. And now I want some absinthe…
Cee: Did I make you throw up a little? That’s what I was going for.
Mr. Apron: I would never shove Francy! And EWWWWWWWWWWW.
The PDO: I will e-slap you through the interwebs!
Kellie: I’m glad you’re wrong, too. And no, death is not an option because I’d miss you too much.
Katelin: Party pooper!
buffalodick: I’d be interested to know how you got that I’d be a fun party girl from THIS post…
Amber: With a sick mind and a lotta booze.
Awesome Sara: 13, woman. Read em and weep.
raych: It’d have to be an XXXL tampon.
Narm: Nothing’s too weird over here.
Desiree Aubigny: Well hello, lover! Missed you
Mandy: WIN!
Caroline: You are correct! And ewwwwww.
drollgirl: I’m sorry, lovemuffin! Next time. And I am blessed in the O-face department…
Prometheus: N/A to a male? How do you figure? It’s equal opportunity!
Alanna: Thank you for your amazing faith in my (and B’s) sexual powers
Sadako: “Icky” just about covers it.
Desert Rat: You’d have to have mighty dextrous tootsies…
Vittoria: I slept last night, FINALLY, thanks to a good sexin’ and a Klonopin. Thank the baby jeebus.
BlackLOG: Steal away! Just remember to credit my girl Maxie