Alternative Title: Even My Bartenders Want to Share Their TMI Stories With Me.
(I would have saved this for TMI Thursday, but I’ve got another one that’s just too good…)
After last Saturday’s debauchery, Deutlich, Maxie and I woke up Sunday morning with one thing on our mind. Okay, two things: GREASY FOOD, and perhaps (definitely) some hair of the dog. We headed up to U Street to find any open place with food and a bar. We walked into the first spot we saw, took one look at the bartender, and stooled up.
She was in her 50s; a female silver fox, if you will. The silver Sharon Stone cut was accentuated by her white and black earrings, which matched her awesome black and white Kanye shades. This woman was undeniably cool.
Halfway through my spicy Bloody Mary with Guinness in the mix (see? COOL), the conversation inevitably turned to all things urination. Maxie fought determinedly for the side of “One Must Never Pee Outdoors, Ever” while Deutlich and I threw our weight behind “Shit’s Gonna Happen, Literally.” When Silver Sharon looked our way, I was afraid she was going to tell us to pipe down- there were children behind us, after all.
How wrong I was.
“There’s but one time I had to pee outdoors,” she informs us sagely, peering over the tops of her super sweet shades. “I was eight months pregnant and out to here.” She mimes a watermelon, and we nod in acknowledgement of her precarious position.
“My husband and I were driving home, and all of a sudden I knew I couldn’t hold it for one more second. I had him pull over at an orange juice store, and ran inside.” We all nod as though ‘orange juice stores’ are as common as WalMart, and she continues.
“The owners looked at my enormous belly, and told me the restroom was not for public use,” she remembers indignantly. We, of course, scoff with disdain at their utter rudeness and The Humanity! of it all.
“I pleaded with them- said I’d buy 10 GALLONS of juice if only they’d let me pee!- but they threw me out,” she tells us, as we inch towards the edge of our seats. “I was about to burst. There was nothing to do but hike into the woods. My husband helped me trek wayyyy out, so that no one could possibly see…”
We realize that we have forgotten to breathe, such is the tension. “What happened?” We ask, like children being told the dragon has just scaled the Pretty Princess’ wall.
“The very moment I pulled my pants down, a swarm of mosquitos attacked my lilly white ass. I had over a hundred bites, and could barely move to get away. I tried, but I fell over into the brush.”
“Ooooohhh,” we breathe out, feeling her pain. We all involuntarily clench.
“Then I wake up the next day, and what do I find?”
“What?” We chorus. How could this get any worse??
“POISON OAK,” she thunders, and gestures elegantly to her special no-no place. “EVERYWHERE!!!”
“NO!” We gasp in horror, and where our behinds were clenched, we are now feeling our girly bits to make sure they are still there… and poison-less.
“YES!” She leans back, glad to have thrilled us with her tale. And thrilled we are, as she refills our adult beverages, and heads outside to smoke a cigarette.
I’d need one too, after reliving that experience.
And THAT, my friends, is why I ALWAYS sit at the bar. They are back there for a reason, my dears… trust.
{ 100 comments }
I STILL can’t believe how forthright she was with that.. uhm.. interesting bit of information.
OUCH!
Yeah…I always sit at the bar too. I love meeting bartenders…and the not-so-shady characters sitting at the bar.
It’s because YOU used to be a bartender. See? Do you see?
lol..you seem to have a way with opening people up (in a non gross way) don’t ya?!?
Wow! Poor woman! How can you refuse a pregnant woman the right to pee? Evil orange juice seller!
Sitting at the bar is a no brainer. Knowing your bartender is the only way to get hooked up with a free drink. Waiters never hook you up.
I have an unjust prejudice against Canadians because of an instance when my preggers sister and I were bursting at our seems to take a piss, wakled into a motel room restaurant/lounge area place thingamabob (my parents were busy booking a room), and asked to be directed to the toilets. Yeah…they evil-eyed my sister’s belly, and asked “Do you mean washrooms?” and we were just doing the pee-pee dance in answer. . . They had no mercy,and threw us out!
People are bastards. No matter what country… but it was just the way they stared at us, man….
Wakled? Motel rooms have restaurants? I guess only in hicktowns in the middle of nowhere in Ontario.
Wimps.
Try pooping in the woods.
It’s a fucking art form.
Seriously.
I hope I’m cool when I’m old! x
Orange juice store…is that like Orange Julius?
Having had poison oak EVERYWHERE before, you gave me phantom itches just reading this.
But more importantly, where are these orange juice stores? A store that sells nothing but orange juice?
Seriously? The only thing more awesome would be a store that sold nothing but apple juice.
-stares off in bliss–
Ooooo, I love a good bartender’s story!! I’m with you—sitting at the bar is always a bit more entertaining and enlightening.
Oh my god – that’s unbelievable. Reminds me of the time I sat in fire ants in Florida. EWWWWW gross.
That morning beverage you were enjoying sounds like something special too!
Bartenders are usually the best people ever.
Bartenders are going to be willing to tell stories, old people have no shame.
The Silver Fox Bartender is a unique combination of the two.
An orange juice store? Do thay have like different types of oranges? :-S
I am child of the 1970′s and no doubt she was talking about Orange Julis. They were in all the malls!
I was totally waiting for her to say that the baby to fall out.
The poison oak thing is good, too…
…but unintentional mosquito-induced birth would have been a much better story.
That’s why I sit at the bar.
I’m a good liar.
wait, you put Guinness IN a bloody mary? I am confused…
ps. I’ve peed in the woods on two international borders!
Haha, love it!
Bartenders have to be willing to share it all.
My brother is in construction and they BY FAR have the best bathroom stories!!! 2 off the top of my head literally brought me to tears!
Sitting at the bar is by far the best!
Of course! The orange juice store! That combined with the swarm of mosquitos poised to attack any ass immediately upon de-trousering, leads me to believe that perhaps this story happened in Florida? Florida people are crazy and have awesome stories.
This one time some jackass at the paper clip stand woulnd’t let me use his bathroom. Jerk.
@Lemmonex – Paper clip stand hahaha
Awesome bartender just proved my point to the extreme– DO NOT pee outside.
oh dear god. where do you meet these people? lol
poor thing.
Ewwww…poison oak all over and being super prego….not fun.
Guinness in a bloody mary? Hmmm.
Ouch! I’m squirming just thinking of it. Sitting at the bar can be so educational.
hahahahahahaha she was soooo open wit info.i was holding my breathe to see if she’d get to pee or not!!!and when she got bitten i rubbed my bum as consolation.
awesome story!!
some time ago a bartender told me of her ex boyfriend, who one time went to pee in the woods and out of all places, a nasty, hairy caterpillar fell on his schlong. She did mention the surface area of his thing was of considerable size. He was drunk, of course and when he went to take it off, he accidentally smashed it on his thing, so he ended up having caterpillar bits and pieces on his junk…
Gross
I’ve never peed in the woods or outside for that matter, but her story is definitely going to make me think twice about it if the need ever arises.
I thought for sure she was going to say she took a piss in the Orange Juice store, right there on the floor, in front of the clerk who denied her use of the rest room.
But your story is better!
Well, I dunno what an orange juice store is, but I’d certainly never give them my business now.
How rude!
Poison oak on the hoo ha, sounds devastating. As if carrying a child wasn’t enough!
Deutlich: It made me love her instantly.
PQ: I’m okay with the shady ones, too.
Kate: I’m sure there is more than a small degree of truth to that.
Lil’ Woman: And I LOVE it.
HannahBlue: There’s a special corner of Hell for them, surely.
Del-V: Exactly- and the waiters cannot, as they do not make the drinks. But you’d be surprised how many people don’t realize this…
Jen: Oh man, that would bias me too! Fearless in Toronto, talk to your people!
Mike: Been there. Done it. Poo on the leg? So, so different from pee.
jen – tsk: Me too, love. Me too.
Fearless: I think that’s our consensus. We didn’t ask… she had the floor.
Kendall: Oh, I am so with you. Every now and then at the airport or a deli B will surprise me with an AJ… and he knows that means he’s getting a BJ later.
hannahjustbreathe: The people watching is so much better, too.
Christy: SAT in fire ants??? I just clenched again!
Matt: Why, thank you.
Dmbosstone: She was a gem, this one. We will be back.
Girl OAJ: I have NO idea. We should have asked, but we were enraptured.
charlotteharris: I think you must be right. Oh, how I miss you, Orange Julius!
moooooog35: Would the mosquitos have eaten the placenta? ~ Oh, and now I’ve gone too far…
Lexiloo: Just a shot of it… it is SOOOO good. And I hope you have a medal for that!
Megan: Where do you think I came from?
Shelly: Oh, wow. Share! Share!
los_tartist: Oh, you are SO RIGHT. I am going back to ask her just to prove this point.
Lemmonex: Paper clip stand? Apparently we still have a few stories we have not shared…
Maxie: Well, clearly she was careless! Everyone knows you have to have a spotter/swatter nearby!
Emily: It is a gift.
Fidgeting Gidget: Just a little in the mix- trust me, it’s amazing.
notyourplainjane: “Educational”… I like the way you think.
rambles@25: It’s like phantom itching. And thanks
PorkStar: Oh my lord… VOMITOUS!!!
Stephanie: You and me both. Eh, who am I kidding? I WILL watch out for skeeters, though…
freckledk: I dunno… I like your version! She totally should have.
Fizzgig: AND she was 8 months- I don’t know how long poison oak sticks around, but can you imagine GIVING BIRTH with it??
if i have a choice to sit at the bar or a table i ALWAYS choose bar.
it doesn’t matter how fancy the restaurant is. bar is always better – throw a linen napkin on the bar if you want to “act classy” but a bars a bar.
service industry people rock.
Can you feel my involuntary clenching from way over here?
Have you seen that pee thing for women, so they can pee standing up, on the go?
I’m sure it’s completely awesome, and not at all gross.
omg, she DEF should have peed in the oj store (whatever the fuck that is). also JESUS H did she have to GIVE BIRTH with poison oak in her lady bits?!?!
Ahh, the Silver Fox. I have the male version at my regular haunt, a 50+ Iranian who regales us with tales about shit-faced politicians he’s seen in his bar.
The worst part of the story? “…and heads outside to smoke a cigarette.” I only crave for a cigarette after many hours of drinking and haven’t had one in 2 years. Mainly because DC banned it. I miss secondhand smoke. And it’s a conversation killer when I’m talking with the ladies and someone has to go outside to get a drag.
This is, without a doubt, the epitome of Too Much Information. Goodness, can you imagine if she went into labor and had to give birth while still afflicted by poison oak? Goodness, the pain, oh the pain!
You know, if she had peed in the OJ Store, she could have just said that her water broke. I can’t imagine a better excuse to combat a public urination charge. I may actually carry around a fake baby belly for such emergencies.
I need to start drinking at bars more often.
Who does that to a pregnant lady? Geez. I hope that bad karma brings curdled juice to that store owner for years to come!
Oh, and my TMI from a couple of weeks ago is a good reason why some stores don’t let customers use their rest rooms.
My lady bits are still cringing. I’ve had poison oak everywhere else but there…and even that ain’t pretty. Yikes.
Oh, the horror of having to pee outdoors! Lilu, this post is too graphic. I was fidgeting in my seat. I can almost feel the mosquitoes.
my pee story isn't nearly as good as hers…a few yrs ago I was at my bfs house for the 1st time and since his fam had gone to bed i didn't want to wake anybody up by going upstairs & peeing i figured id stop somewhere when I left…well he lived in the boonies and i was trying so hard to hold it, when i stopped somewhere i thought was open & they weren't i could barely take it anymore…i was just going down the street where there were no cars to go in the woods when I peed my pants..yes i was 17, sober and peed my pants in my car, it was horrible lol.
My friend got poison ivy on his butt by doing the same thing.
A difficult lesson to learn.
OH she sounds so cute and too cool! Yeah the bar is the best place to be.
As a former bartender, I also always sit at the bar. You people that don’t are truly missing out.
Poor, pregnant Sharon Stone chick! OUCH!
You had me slightly worried at the start when you said “stooled up” because I thought it was something to do with turds…
Coming to this blog is a little like sitting at the bar. You know?
I like it here.
Oh my gosh! That is awful! Stupid store guy. That is a great reason to sit at the bar.
what jerks not to accomodate a pregnant lady! i think pregnancy should be nine months of your birthday/wedding day all rolled into one. i.e. you get whatever you want. you get to be in the middle of pictures, the last brownie bite, the best cushion on the couch, a seat on the train AND any bathroom you want!!!
alexa: I’ve never “acted classy” in my life. How dare you insinuate otherwise.
SkylersDad: Yes. Yes I can. My cheeks are still pressed tightly together.
Kristina P: NO! Have you blogged it?? Must google…
Alice: I know! I wanted to ask but I was afraid that was going too far…
thebmt: The male versions have equally interesting stories. In fact, most Silvers do.
Malnurtured Snay: I know! Poor woman… I hope it was gone by then!
freckledk: You’re like a damn boy scout… always prepared. To give birth on a stranger’s floor.
Olga: Ummm… that would be a resounding YES.
Nilsa: I’m sure they’ve suffered gravely. Maybe swine flu affects oranges…
Liebchen: Itching + lady bits = NEVER, EVER COOL.
The Demigoddess: There’s no such thing as ‘too graphic’ in LiLu’s corner. You knew this coming in.
FrankieBaby: Oh wow… there’s your first TMI Thursday!
WickedCourtni: I love that THAT is what you took away from this.
surviving myself: Your “friend,” hmmm?
Desert Rat: She was fab. We will be back for more of her stories, methinks.
repliderium.com: A-freaking-men.
Veggie Assassin: Would it really have shocked you if it did? Come on, now…
Steam Me Up: I should rename this blog “Your Favorite E-Bar.”
adriana: Tis, isn’t it?
lustyreader: Oh, hell yes. That’s almost enough to convince ME to procreate… ALMOST.
Yes! Fascinating stories abound at bars!
She should’ve been my grandma, I’d love her.
LOL! YES, that is why one should always sit there. Plus, why tip a waitress when you can go right to the source.
This is why I love your post! I laugh and get hooked in right away! Poor thing!
If I got poison of any kind on my regions, it would be like a Wayne Brady skit and I’d lose my mind.
Who the hell denies a pregnant woman a bathroom? My guess is there’s a reason those orange juice stores went out of business.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Well?!
I am stuck there. I cannot get past my mental image of an orange juice store.
@ Lilu
No poo on the leg.
It’s not that type of art.
Freak
Ok That was great!!! Hahaha!
If she’d have only known, give her a time machine and I bet she’d pee IN the orange juice store…. I would. oopsie!
hahaha. that is a great story.
i agree, great things always
happen while sitting at the bar.
even though i’m anti-bar sitting.
thank gosh anytime i’ve ever
popped a squat (many a times) there weren’t bugs or poison anything.
This crazy girl who lived with me for four months showed up at our archaeology field school with poison ivy in her lady parts. She wiped with it on a backpacking trip through Arkansas.
That’s the truth. She also could figure out how to lock the door at my apartment. She had to call me and I had to walk her through it.
Couldn’t. She also couldn’t figure out the door…I give up.
Wait – was she still “afflicted” when she gave birth? Did she have to explain that to a Dr. at some point? You need to sidle back up to the bar on another Sunday and get the Pt. 2 of the story.
OMG that would so totally suck. Great story to tell though!
bhaahhahah!!! i think i need to go to a bar, like STAT. and of course i have many outdoor pee stories, but i’ll spare you as they are not THIS good!
Why would anyone want to sit anywhere else? Certainly not on that rock off skyline drive where the bears not only do it, but had very recently before I arrived there. My girl scout training prevented me from squatting in poison ivy or using it to uh, clean up, but it did not prevent public humiliation when the boy scout troop came stealthily out of the woods. Yes, the bar is definitely the best place to sit.
I LOVE sitting at the bar! And I LOVE that story! And if you gotta go, you gotta go…although I’d PREFER indoor facilities.
…and that’s why us men pee standing up.
I peed in between two cars outside of the capitol ballroom during a huge rave event and almost got arrested b/c the cops thought I was smuggling drugs in my vag to sell them in the club.
Ouch!! That is crazy! Poor lady!
Too Funny! Love it!
okay that just sounds awful, yikes. and that is one way to start your breakfast off i suppose, haha.
Nice. I sit at the bar because I like being ignored by bartenders.
I read this post early this morning and couldn’t think WTF to comment.
It’s now early evening and I’m still in the same “numb” mind set.
Your writing is SO descriptive…
*clenches cheeks*
I’m gonnae have a wee drink and see if it inspires me! lol
Oh Lilu! I think I love your bartender.
I am of the no way no how club. I one time went hunting with my boyfriend. I kept telling him I had to pee and he finally told me to go behind a bush. In that part of the country there is a bug that burrows under your skin called a chigger. I copped a squate in the middle of a hive of those buggers. I had chiggers in my cooter! Very painful and very embarrasing. I went to the gyno thinking I had genital warts.
Love your blog!
thank you thank you thank you for turning my frown upside down!!
My favorite part of this story is still, hands down, the orange juice store. Forget the poison oak & the bar-sitting & the silver fox – it's alllll about the orange juice stores.
Ouch! The orange juice store sucks!! That poor bartender.
I always sit at the bar as well, if I didn’t, I would have never been offered “a hundred dollar whoopin’”, which actually meant some dude wanted ME to beat up a lady for $100.
yup, they are there for a reason, that is for sure. Love the way you write, I could picture the scene perfectly! BTW: I decided to finish what I started and I posted again tonight. Man be damned!
Too good: orange juice stores!
What kind of asshole doesn’t let a huge pregnant lady use the bathroom? Not cool.
Gee, I agree with FoN.She shoulda carried a stick to whack these prissy pr*cks.Hm,*wonders if I’ll ever meet a silver sharon of my own*…
I love older, female bartenders. They’re few and far between down here (SC), but damn if they don’t always have the best stories.
Here’s to hoping you guys wind up there again. Not just for the stories, but to figure out where in the hell is an orange juice store?
We’ve got a lot of stinging nettle around here. If you lead your back side into a patch of this lovely plant it will look and feel like someone to a swatch to your ass.
How do I know?
Well…
That’s the worst peeing in the woods story I’ve ever heard! Now I’m going to be super-paranoid when I go backpacking. Bartender chick sounds cool.
Lisa: They make life so much more interesting.
insomniaclolita: I thought the same thing!
justjp: You’re a wise one.
Blondie: Aw, thanks love! And I KNOW!
f.B: Oh man, it’s been too long since I watched that *heads off to youtube*
Kate: I’d say you have to be right.
WickedCourtni: I know. And I love you for it.
Mike: ME?! Oh, wow. I’m pretty sure that’s a BIG insult coming from you.
Tee: I agree!
Connie: I would too! They deserved it.
Amandaaa: I’m pretty sure I once sat in poison ivy… but I must not be allergic! I didn’t get anything!
shine: She WIPED with it?? Oh my god…
JFo: Will do. I feel like we need the ending.
Kellie: FABULOUS story. I bet she’s got more.
drollgirl: I bet they’re not bad… you could make a whole post out of em
Spellbound: THE BOY SCOUT TROOP oh my god!!! Too funny! Had they hit puberty yet?
Jules: Prefer, sure. But you gotta do what you gotta do.
Cameron: Lucky.
JoLee: You were. Don’t lie.
Bon Don: I know! I felt so bad, and it’s 25 years later.
Missy: Thanks, and welcome!
Katelin: At least we were drinkin!
Greg: You’re sitting at the wrong bartender’s bars.
fiona: Ha! I made you clench!
Gladys: Chiggers in your cooter! Now THERE’S a TMI Thursday!!!
JM: Thanks, darling.
Blaez: Of course, dear!
Kate: It’s kind of mine too.
Caroline: I know, can you imagine? I would hvae FLIPPED.
Hotch Potchery: Don’t leave us hanging!! Did you do it?
bikramyogachick: You’re on fire!
Jay: Right?? So weird.
FoN: At all. I’m sure karma got them.
Miss_Nobody: I bet her husband went back in and gave them a piece of his mind… or fists.
TOPolk: I’d prefer an apple… but I’ll take it.
JPP: You cheeky monkey. I bet you liked it.
Cottage Cheese: She was awesome- we will be back.
i love that i clenched too, and then shuddered with glee. mean glee. which means that karma will come and bite me in the ass none to soon…
… literally?
Next time I go to a bar, I’m going to sit at it until somebody tells me a story that is this good
hahahahhhahaha!
I always opt for the bar myself too
It’s where all the cool kids sit.
LOL! This is wonderful. And the part about the orange juice stores killed me – you are amazing
i triple heart bartenders!