All right, if everyone’s done judging me for yesterday’s TMI Thursday (I keed, I keed), let’s move on, shall we?
It’s my Friday off and my girls and I did it up right at Wonderland last night, so you all know what that means… it’s time for The Shiz My Boyfriend Says!
Here’s some precious little nuggets from the last couple weeks…
If you read yesterday, you know I’ve been a little “irregular” lately…
B: (Calls to me in the bathroom) What do you want for dinner tonight?LiLu: Don’t talk to me when I’m on the toilet! You know I don’t like that!
B: Baby, if I didn’t talk to you when you pooped, when would I talk to you??
Minutes later, on the couch, I walk over and straddle B…
B: Ahhh! You’re sitting on me and you’re all poopsy!
While laying in bed one night…
B: Rub me! I rub you so much more than you rub me. You won’t even scratch my back for more than two seconds.LiLu: I hate getting skin under my fingernails! It’s gross.
B: But THEN, if I ever murder you, my skin cells will be under your nails and they’ll catch me! Win!
LiLu: Oh, FINE. But only for the autopsy.
On gchat:
B: east bound and down has been renewed for a 2nd season
praise be to baby jesus
i’m so happy i’m going to finger you with my penis tonight!
Seeing that he took my laundry out of the dryer and threw it on my dresser:
LiLu: Asshat.B: Cuntlicker.
LiLu: You WISH.
B: I do wish. (Contemplating…) Well, maybe not full-time. That would suck. Maybe part-time, like a hobby.
LiLu: Like instead of blogging? You wish I ate pussy?
B: No, you blog every day. That’s too much. Maybe as often as you do laundry.
LiLu: Once a month?
B: Sure. (Looks down) Maybe as often as you wear two matching socks.
LiLu: That’s never.
Literally five seconds ago:
B’s phone alarm goes off next to me in the living room, scaring the everlivingshit out of me. He strolls in from the bedroom, wearing a white T shirt… and nothing else.
LiLu: What the…?B: My pants were too hot!
He turns, and strolls nonchalantly back to the bedroom. (Cute butt though.)
Oh, how I love this man.
A couple of sidenotes before you skip off to your merry weekends!
First off, if you’re coming out for Happy Hour tonight, see you there! If you’re not, your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of elderberries. If you’d LIKE to but you don’t know what the eff I’m talking about, email me at livitluvit at livitluvit dot com and we shall remedy that immediately.
Second, mucho mucho grande thanks to Maegan from …Love Maegan, Bon Don from “Who Throws a Cupcake? Honestly,” Muppet Soul, The Rambling Diva from C’est What??, and LUCKLYS!!! (I’M SORRY I FORGOT!!!) from how lucky we are for bestowing some kickass awards on me this week! These awesome ladies all ROCK MY WORLD (and not just cause they love me, snort), so go check ‘em out, stat.
Happy weekend, chucklefucks!
{ 80 comments }
I CAN’T make it to happy hour tongiht, only because I’m leaving the city pretty early but I loves you
And LMAO @ finger you with my penis.
THAT is my brand new favorite saying.
HAPPY FRIDAY LOVE!!
Seriously how do you not love everyday of your life with the stuff that comes out of B’s mouth? If there ever was an example of 2 people meant to be together…..
“You’re all poopsy” should become B’s battle cry!
I saw Spamalot in Vegas with John OHurley from Seinfeld in the title role. Hilarious!
Have a great weekend!
I love B FOR you! I’m showing this bad boy to Pokey and see if I can’t get him to be a bit more silly. ;P
Fingering with my penis is my favorite for this week.
I love East Bound and Down.
I want to be like Kenny Powers.
“My pants were too hot”
Amazing. That put a smile on my face.
“Happy weekend, chucklefucks!”
This is the highlight of my day!
I’ve just recently started reading you, and I can’t get enough.
ridic. loves it. won’t be making hh. miss katy perry is in town tonight and i’ll be front and center for her performance. next time, my dear.
a part-time hobby – HAHA! and i love how the nuggets progressed into a moment that happened as recently as the five seconds ago. so good!
have a great weekend lovey!
I strive to one day have a boyfriend that is as comfortable with my poop as B is with yours.
“LiLu: Like instead of blogging? You wish I ate pussy?
B: No, you blog every day. That’s too much. Maybe as often as you do laundry.”
Who’s pussy did he have in mind?
aaaaahahahahahahaaa finger you with my penis. oh man. i need to share that gem with my ex, because i’m pretty sure it will be his new favorite expression ever.
i’ll see you guys tonight! i’ll be, uh, by myself and trying not to look too much like a loser.
PQ: You’ll be missed, darlin. Have a great weekend! Don’t get fingered with any penises! Well, actually…
Shelly: We are super special… TOGETHER.
SkylersDad: It should be, after yesterday’s post…
Christy: You too, love!
Sassy Britches: Life’s too short to not be silly. Truth.
LMB: Agreed. Kenny Powers is THE MAN.
Matt: Who doesn’t?
Michael: Mine too, dear. Mine too.
justjp: You are WELCOME!
Shannon: I’m so glad, love! I adore yours as well
Mb: Next time, definitely. Give her a cherry-coated kiss for me.
cavy: I sure wasn’t planning on that one, but after it happened, how could I not? And you too!!
Rachel: He’s an Ace, this one.
Patty Duke: Hmmm… didn’t think to ask… hopefully Salma Hayek. I’d be okay with that.
Alice: I can’t wait to see you! I shot you my cellie so just text me and I’ll start doing the Stankey Legg so you know where I am!
lmao finger you with my penis.
u knw how there are quote books u can get…shiz my boyfriend says should be sold and money used for alcohol related purchases only oh and maybe some ‘light’ clothing for Bs lower half! hahahahahaha
i love when j comes home from work. the first thing he does is rip his clothes off and walk around the house naked so he can “air out.”
i told you you were famous. look at all those awards! (don’t forget mine, even if it’s little and you ahve 8 of them)
I’ll be at happy hour tonight, on the early side. See you then, pretty girl!
Isn’t great that you can talk about all sorts of bodily functions with your man and it be Ok?! My best friend who has been married now for two years ..has never talked to her husband about poop! WHAT?!
The gchat part is hilarious!
i'm fucking in, you're fucking out.
i heart EB&D so i netflixed smokey and the bandit since that is where the name came from. sigh, fyi it was not that great.
You guys have some great conversations. You’ll have to remind me to tell you about that time I was out with a bunch of people and I said, “Jesus, don’t cum in my hair.” and that became my nickname…indefinitely.
Boy’s out of town so I made all sorts of plans to keep me busy (like the 5k at 6:30 and the 10pm vball game). Wish I hadn’t done that — would have loved to join you guys!!
You know these are my favorite. I fking love it!
I love a man who can say poopsy!!! That’s a keeper!
Finger you with my penis, eh?
Thanks for the Friday morning entertainment
You two crack me up.
Ok since you’re porny and I have to do phone comments, this is Just A Girl, not motherfucking anonymous. My friend D woke up the other morning in just his tshirt. We’re still not sure how he ended up that way. He said he was hoping I’d fall asleep face down, ass up. He wanted to be prepared.
I really love his argument for getting you to scratch his back. “Win!”
And see you tonight, lady!
I have decided that I am not allowed to be drinking any kind of liquids while reading your blogs. OMG! LMAO!
I am not wearing any pants right now…true story.
My pants are hot, too. But I’m at work. so that sucks.
LMAO, what can I say? you make every morning better!
If I were still in the District, you best believe my ass would be at happy hour tonight!! Sighhh…
I kind of have a relationship crush on you and B. You could write a book based solely on the hilarious conversations you two have.
Happy Friday!
Pants suffocate the netherballs. It’s oppressive. No one should have to suffer this. I feel like yanking these pants off and yelling “Give us free!” right now.
I believe that B and I would have a whirlwind romance.
Until he tried fingering me with his penis.
Just curious – but does his manscaping habit include trimming the nails on that thing?
uh. finger you with his penis? BEST LINE EVAR!
Chucklefucks?
Awesome. I think I want to go around calling everyone that this weekend.
And finger you w/ his penis? Double awesome. You crack me up. Now if only I could somehow make it to DC by happy hour…
Finger you with his penis? Next he’ll excuse himself to the bathroom claiming that his penis needs to ejaculate urine from his penis.
Definitely maybe for HH tonight (with more emphasis on the definitely than the maybe.)
OMG, I had the skin under the fingernails issue with the ex, too. But he was never clever enough to come up with a cute response like B. That’s why he’s the ex. Okay, not really, but it sounded good, right?
I can talk a good poo game, but idle chit chat while pooing? Unthinkable!
“B: Rub me! I rub you so much more than you rub me. You won’t even scratch my back for more than two seconds.”
Yep… One in the same….
We JUST seriously had this conversation like 2 nights ago!
Ok… that’s all i can muster today… I need some ibuprofen and hot tea…
You know you’re getting old when a hangover is REALLY a hangover!
“LiLu: Oh, FINE. But only for the autopsy.”
Ha! Great stuff. I may be a tad bit guilty of receiving more than I give in the back rub department. You know, if a “tad” is like elephant sized.
I agree with Lisa and I’d never really thought about it until you mentioned it! Talking and pooing at the same time are nigh on impossible hence the saying “When one door closes another one opens” ???
Just a thought…
Have an alcoholicfabulistic weekend darlin!
Ok….let me just say, that our boyfriends would seriously get along so well. Everything B says, I swear to you is so close to things my B says. It’s scary, actually. Have a great Easter!!
I love a Holy Grail reference. And I had no idea other people use the term chucklefuck besides me, so fist bump.
cJs: One day I'll have enough… one day.
lucklys: I'm so sorry!!! It's been fixed. I am stupid. And YES- actually, if I'm being honest, that's the first thing *both* of us do…
Shannon: See you soon!
Lady Jane: I could NEVER, ever be in a relationship like that. All or nothing, baby.
Megan: Thanks love!
lustyreader: Well, nothing can compare to EB&D. You coming tonight??
shine (TAFKAM): Speaking of that, I've got a great one for the next Shiz… I'm saving it
Beach Bum: I wish you hadn't too! Next time…
Julie: Likewise, my love. You need to do another!
Fizzgig: He's very special.
JN: Welcome as ever, love.
Del-V: Awesome!
Just A Girl: YOU'RE PORNY! Wait, that's a compliment, isn't it?
Liebchen: See you soon, lovey!
TinyShrimp: That's probably for the best. Although I do love making people spew.
Lemmonex: I believe you. And I like it.
Kate: Something tells me the boys won't mind…
Violet: So glad, love
hannahjustbreathe: I wish you were! And keep on crushing, babe- right back atcha.
f.B: You guys are two peas, I swear.
moooooog35: "Whirlwind" implies hot and fiery. How is that rash?
Deutlich: Truly.
Kellie: I wish you could too! I know we'd have a blast, e-bffie.
JFo: You BEST be leaning towards definitely!
Hillbilly Princess: It DID sound good. Cute responses make all the difference.
Lisa: We are so alike sometimes, it's scary!
Miles To Go: I'm getting there myself… pass the Advil.
lacochran: Me too. Shhh… don't tell him I admitted it. I do *other* things, though!
fiona: No Talking While On The Pot! You too, lovenugget!
Briana: You too, darling! Wish you could come tonight!
TishTash: I got that from B, I can't lie. And who doesn't love a little Monty Python in the morning?
Your boyfriend is pretty awesome, except for the whole liking Eastbound and Down thing. I normally love anything even semi-associated with Will Ferrell, but that show is pure shite.
You so crazy.
(Really, that’s all I can think of to say, after reading all that…)
LOL! Once again, a collection of hilarity. And is being all the way in NYC a good enough reason to escape having my mother be a hamster and my father smell of elderberries.
East Bound and Down is my favorite TV show right now. I catch myself repeating lines from the show in the most inappropriate times.
Oh, well.
As for pooping while talking. I can’t do it.
CAN.NOT.DO.IT.
Aww me too! Ok, so today at lunch, my BF reaches over between my legs and grabs me, and when I look at him, he says, “I had to take your temp….extra HOT!!!”
See, I think they are like long lost twins or something!!
lol…I might just go home and have Big Man “finger me with his penis” later! : )
that had me dying laughin!
Have a great night!
skin underneath the nails? this is why i will only scratch someones back if there is layer of fabric in between my nails and their back. there is no level of intimacy that will change that.
thanks for sharing kenny powers with me!
i need a job with fridays off. however, i will be there for HH, sadly, however, sans sippy cup. but i have keys, cans anyone?
B is “So BOSS” I must tell BDC about the “finger you with my penis”
Have a lovely Happy Hour.. why don’t I live closer ugh!
I have awarded you my OOPS I CRAPPED MY PANTS AWARD. Now go on over and collect it and display it proudly!
Um did I just glance at MY OWN BLOG OVER THERE!
*does the humpty dance*
Also, I swear to everything ungodlike that we have the same relationship… EXCEPT that I actually AM a cuntlicker.
I LOVE EB and D.
“Nah, fuck that noise!”
His spreading his fat/jerking off dance moves. Love him.
You guys are totally made for each other (MFEO duhh). The shizz your boyfriend says is the absolute bessttt!
Ha ha! I think I could have the same pooping conversation with my husband. In fact, I think I have, multiples times…
YOURE ALLL POOOOPSYYY.
Charming. Just charming
I’m SO stealing chucklefucks from you.
You two are so perfect!! Thanks for the smiles!
BeckEye: Oh wow… you must not have watched enough, because that show is the best thing to happen to television since Arrested Development.
Zandria: Fair enough!
Ruby: You’re excused. But only cause I love you.
Dolce: YOU’RE FUCKING OUT! I’M FUCKING IN! I’m breaking hearts and hymens tonight, mother fucker!
Briana: They really are! We’ll have to get them together at some point
Lil’ Woman: Done and DONE. Have a good weekend, love!
dmb5_libra: Right?? It’s disgusting!
M: So nice meeting you, darlin! Thanks for coming!
Bon Don: I wish you did! It was a blast
Gladys: Oh, it is displayed proudly! Thanks so much love.
WickedCourtni: I demand to see a video of the humpty dance. PRONTO!
Steam Me Up: “You’re so hot I might have to change my pants!… I’m just kidding. I didn’t come in my pants.”
Kristen: Priceless, no?
kilax: It gets us through the day
insomniaclolita: That’s one word for it…
So@24: Spread it like VD! The American people need to know.
Connie: Of course, love!
The people at work say that I’m the Kenny Powers of our school. If ONLY I could get away with saying the shiz he says………
LOVE the shiz your boyfriend says too!!
lol “finger you with my penis” has to be the funniest thing I’ve heard all week! I’m so glad you are here to share these delightful little sayings! hehehe
You guys are the best. I have a crush on your relationship.
Very funny stuff.
I’m with those who feel that pants are awful. I hate them. And I love that your man just took them off, and walked around the house that way.
I wish I could do that.
im still pining over missing yesterday evening.
annnnnnyway, B is the bestest. is it wrong that i immediately thought “ohhhhhmygod and then it could be an epi of law and order: svu”? peut etre. anyway, hope youre super duper well.
Seriously I love you guys. Ridiculous and amazing.
The first film I direct will be just of you and B living.
You in?
you guys are fantastic… just fan-fucking-tastic
Your BF: 3
Toilet: 2
You: 0
OMG! Lilu you are hilarious! Hahaha. And so is your boyfriend.
Jules: I can totally see that. I love the scene in the gym where he’s like, “Anyone wants to pick on someone? AIM FOR THAT KID, cause I ain’t lookin!” If only…
theblacktulip: I am here for you, love!
repliderium: I have a crush on you and your bike.
Jason: He’s got balls. Um, literally.
Vittoria: I know, right?? It’s okay, I thought that too. Missed you Friday- we’ll do it again soon love!
KassyK: Um, YES. Can I wear the Snuggie for the opening montage? And nothing else?
JoLee: YOU ahr!
Dmbosstone: The bathroom hates me.
The Demigoddess: We entertain each other, that’s for sure!
How about a big fat “Keep Dreaming?”
you are hilarious!! what a cute couple you guys must make. sucks I’m just now discovering your blog. I might spend the next few days reading thru it… any best of posts you recommend?
I’m off to convince some man to finger me with his penis.
oh my gosh, i'm loving this! Hunny does the same thing with me after i've used the bathroom and then immediately go over and lay on him. he tells me i'm getting 'poop particles' all over him! so gross, but God love him he's so cute!