Hey y’all, it’s 20SB Blog Swap Day! Which means you can read me over at Liz’s place, where I regale you with a tale of B’s and my sex life. So, yeah, it’s just like any other day, except you have to CLICK HERE to read my funny. And don’t forget to read Liz’s below! Thanks for being my special buddy, chica! (Don’t worry, she’ll still be callling y’all hookers, so it’s kind of like I never left.)
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Hey there chucklefucks and hookers! (What a way to lead off my swap post huh?)
While LiLu is over on my blog hijacking it for the day in honor of the 20SB Blog Swap, I will dazzle you with my wit and charm. Sound good?
Who am I? I am Liz from My Blog Doesn’t Suck. I know, the name is so fetch. (Yes, I am bringing it back. It’s my word and you will love it.)
A little about me: Full time college student, mother to 2 chicklets (the blond girl and the redhead boy), and wife to the Lemon, whom I sometimes refer to as the Warden. And… I have no cell phone.
You read that right. I have never had a cell phone. The husband doesn’t think I need one (he did tell me I could get a Jitterbug. I kicked him instead). Oh and I don’t get to have a blog either. Can you see where the name Warden comes from now? Alas, I do have a blog though. Just don’t tell him.
His unorthodox thinking doesn’t end there. We once lived way over in Arizona, where he thought it would be a fantastic idea to have a farm. A farm. In Arizona. With a small backyard. Behind my house on a cul-de-sac. Non-fetch plan.
Being the loving wife, I let him. Partly because I knew I would get a good laugh out of it and my kids would love it. The contents of this adorable little farm included 3 ducks, 2 female and 1 male.
Now in Arizona, in the summer, this is not the best time to be raising 3 ducks in your backyard. I thought I would help the cause and contribute to his little dream by getting a small plastic kiddie pool for the ducks.
Over the next few weeks, the girl ducks seemed to only be hanging out and doing duck stuff together (I don’t know what duck stuff really is, but it sounded good). The guy duck just kinda did his own thing. Then for about 2 days, the guy duck was making the moves on one of the girls. I thought nothing of it. It was like a little soap opera in the backyard.
I left them alone and went shopping. When I came home, you couldn’t hear them in the backyard. Everything was quiet. Of course I checked on them. The guy duck was dead.
He drowned.
In the pool.
The DUCK DROWNED.
How does a duck drown? They swim damn it. It is their thing.
The other ducks were hiding. I found them snuggled up together in the corner of the yard.
That is when it hit. I had lesbian ducks. They got together while I was out and drowned the poor, unsuspecting guy duck.
Those ducks were never apart after that.
We were also very lucky to have a lesbian rabbit that ran away to live in the mountains with its lesbian rabbit friends.
And a turkey.
Not to mention the goose.
So that was just a taste of what you get over at My Blog Doesn’t Suck. Check it out anytime for my thoughts on Amish sledding, stuffed squirrels, college courses, and my adventures as a mom.
Later hookers!
{ 45 comments }
girl, GET a cell phone. Safety issue! I’m not sure how anyone (especially with kids) can live without one.
ditto to maxie.
and WOW – hahahahaha! who knew ducks harbored same-sex tendencies?
Ditto again to Cavy & Maxie – that poor boy duck might've tried calling you for help had you had one!! x
My money is on the guy duck committing suicide out of jealousy. The girl ducks were just fleeing the scene. Whores. : P
I would think that rabbits would HAVE to be lesbians.
Oh.
You mean the animal.
Nevermind.
Lizzzz…. you’re my fave hooker and maybe I should have hired those ducks to off my freaking lesbo, serious deranged EX…Who deserves a good ducking ass kicking? You’re so f**king funny…lesbian animals in your yard…what’s wrong with mine????
Hey listen, come by and read my post about the horny woodpecker that’s decided my drainpipe is his new mate…serious come by…its right up your ally.
Later
JB
LMFAO -Lesbians huh? lol
Earl had to die…
Oh Liz my whorebag how could you keep this little gem away from me…I had lesbian parakeets, they were some seriously fierce bitches. I like to think they were lipstick lesbians. You know if birds wore lipstick.
I had so many reactions to this post.
I hate to say this but your husbands wrong. You do need a cell phone. I’m not sure how you function without one.
Also, I need you to have a blog. If you were to stop blogging I would fall into a deep dark depression in which my only way out would be…. Just don’t stop okay.
Oh and lesbian ducks drowning another duck. Fucking fantastic!
Hilarious!
Nothing gets my juices flowing quite like starting out with the word “chucklefucks”. Well done, well done.
lol nice nice.. I’ve seen 2 male dogs getting it on… 2 freaing male dogs but obviously not as eveil as 2 lesbo feathery animals killing the intruder of the other gender so they can have their own and legal version of bestiality.
well humans do have animal instintcs, finally someone has documented this!!! LOL
and yes…please do get a cell phone, u don’t know what u are missing!
LMAO!!! Lesbian ducks at a farm in Arizona – to fucking funny
And isn’t it about time you get a damn iPhone??? I thought we discussed this previously!
cell phones are way more important than home phones. Who’s ever home anyway?
If I had ducks, Id want them to be lesbians too. Something about the brown ducks is way cuter than the ones with green heads.
Where do you shop that you keep getting these animals?
Lesbian ducks who kill sounds like some bizarre David Lynch film.
That sounds just like real life: women band together and kill man, women are more happy.
It sounds like a Lifetime movie! Only except instead of people…it’s ducks. And instead of hiring a teenage hitman to kill him, they just drowned him in the kiddie pool.
Awesome.
If kids under 10 are getting cellphones these days, you most definitely should have one.
And you can never trust those female ducks. Leave them alone and look what they do.
Were the ducks named Sharon Stone and Isabelle Adjani? They acted out Diabolique.
There are days when no cell phone makes a whole lot of sense.
HA you should have gotten another male and set up a camera to see if they did it again! Or would that be cruelty to animals???
Go get a pay as you go phone! They are MUCH better now and there is no bill for the warden to find!
I think they poisoned him. It’s way easier than drowning. Or so I’ve heard.
They killed him – allegedly. Remember, nothing will hold up in Old McDonald’s court without proof. I agree with Shelly. A sting is in order
Feckin hilarious!
1. You can have my cell phone.
I don’t even know half of the people who call me, don’t like most of those I do know AND no-one feckin understands me anyway (scottish accent and all) so have at it girl!
2. What do you do with a dead duck?
Bury it? Stuff it? Eat it?
I need to know on the off chance I ever find myself with a dead duck on my hands…shit happens
Ummm, did you alert this guy to the lesbo ducky murder plot? He probably would have written a kick ass academic paper about it.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2005/mar/08/highereducation.research
Ha Love the story going to check out your blog now!
Great story! I’ll be stopping by your blog!
Interesting I’ll have to read more! Thanks for sharing about your ducks.
Lesbian duckicide!
I agree on how you should install camera just to see and probably send it to discovery channel or something.
Or at least youtube.
ps. You need to get a cellphone. Probably the one where you can blog too, that’s like so “hip” these days. Ha!
Ducks drowning would be like me suffocating on oxygen. It just shouldn’t happen.
It’s not often you get to hear about duck scandals.
I find it’s a topic they sadly, sadly gloss over on the news no matter how hard I try to find it.
I am as shocked as you. Ducks drown?!?
Homicidal lesbian ducks. Awesome.
I never wanted a cell phone. I hate it when people call me unless it is actually important… sorry.. I’m not a phone talker. But the house phone service kept going out and staying out. We got a cell phone. House phone never went out again. Sometimes they really ARE out to get you. (now I have two mobiles and just turn off the ringers)
OMG! Lesbian ducks! Too funny! And now I have that stupid Jitterbug jingle stuck in my head! Dammit!
Should we leave comments for you on this blog or on your blog? Oh, I am so confused. I think I feel a headache coming on.
Poor drowning duck!
I have to break some news: someone else totally stole ‘fetch’ from you. They not only stole it, they took it straight to Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams.
Thank you for the great comment you chucklefucks!
On the phone, I am working on it.
The ducks didn’t make it much longer after that.
And I love doing this blog swap thingy. Can’t wait to read all your blogs.
I laughed @ “Duck Stuff”
So basically your backyard is a lesbian animal hangout? lol
That was hilarious! I wonder how they killed him. Did they hold his head underwater?
Roarrring! You are hee-heelarious darling…the phone- it’s the LOVExHATE thang… ~XO*
omg no cellphone,GET ONE,who knows when your kids needs to holler on when your not around?Omg,this was super funny…heading over to your blog,which by the way doesnt suck,if it has posts like these.
Cheerio!
i can’t believe i hadn’t read this. i laughed til i peed and i may have sharted too. i’ll check. be back.