As I’ve said before, this whole quarter-life crisis thing is throwing me for a bit of a loop. I’m having a bit of trouble figuring out how to balance out my life and how to prioritize the ways I spend my time, now that I’m A) living with my boyfriend = serious relationship and B) have a real job and responsibilities and all that jazz.
And what I’m realizing is that it all comes down to your choices. The DECISIONS that you make, big and small, every day. Like everything else, they add up to create the big picture of Who You Are and What Your Life Is.
The thing is, I’m a pleaser. (Come on… SOMEONE gimme a TWSS…) I like to make everyone as happy and comfortable as I can, all the time. I like to make friends and build bonds and work on them to make them stronger. When I go out to a bar, I’m not looking for prospects out of the corner of my eye… I’m entirely focused on spending time with the people I adore (with a healthy side of people-watching). Now that I’m no longer “on the hunt,” as it were, I should have more time to do this, yes?
And in some ways, I do. But, as I (and we all) have said, as you get older, life shifts ever so gently from a focus on Quantity… to Quality. This is true in many different facets, but obviously it is most pertinent to the people that you let in and share your life with.
Now, we spend our teenage/young adult lives forming our ideas about what a “romantic relationship” should be. Through trial and error, we determine what our Dealbreakers are, those things that we absolutely cannot abide in a partner.
But I was thinking the other day (I do that sometimes), and I find it interesting that we don’t- at least consciously- apply these same life lessons to our friendships.
Think about it. You dream about Mr. or Ms. Right, and you decide all these things they CAN’T be. It’s grounds to cut them out of your life, to say goodbye, to let them go forever. But we can’t do this with friends… you can’t “break up” with a friend unless they do something incredibly drastic and awful. Generally, you have to do the “fade-out,” and if they run with your circle of friends, this is nearly impossible to achieve, as Seinfeld proved long ago.
The solution, my friends? PREVENTION. Just like the Herp.
By the time we’re of a certain age, we need to start identifying red flags that we will use as signals that we should deter a certain prospective friendship from even beginning to form. We do this automatically when dating… why not with acquaintances??
I’ve thought long and hard about what my “Red Flags” would be… my “Dealbreakers,” if you will… and they are as follows:
Someone who is selfish. Someone who was raised to believe that they are the most important person in their little universe, and that all others should cater to their needs. They will suck up your time, your energy, your money. Even if they’re filthy rich and you’re dirt poor, when you’re the only one who ever reaches for the check out of common courtesy, you will get SCREWED. This is another fault of mine- I will fight for the check to the end, because I expect everyone else to fight just as hard (it’s how the restaurants raised me). It ain’t the case, unfortunately.
Someone who repeatedly takes advantage of you. This seems as though it should be obvious, but it’s really not. Some people have spent their whole lives learning how to manipulate others to get what they want, all the time. If you find yourself constantly bending over backwards for someone because you don’t want to “deal” with disagreeing with them? Regularly finding yourself in unfavorable situations because of them? Someone who always manages to make it seem as though *you’re* the one at fault? RUN.
Someone who can’t admit when they’re wrong. This, my friends, is truly the difference between a child and an adult. Look, I don’t care if you fuck up. We all make mistakes, and most are forgivable. But if someone is unable to own said mistakes, get on their knees, and say those two beautiful words, “I’m Sorry,”… well, then they’re no real friend to you, and their pride is more important to them than you will ever be.
Someone who has no friends. Yes, this may seem a bit cruel and unusual, but think about it… there is a REASON for this. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, like when you move somewhere new, but generally? If someone inexplicably has no real friends to call their own, it’s because they chased away those they did have, one way or another. I have been suckered into more than one awkward situation by feeling bad for someone who certainly didn’t deserve to be pitied. They were lonely for a reason, and I should have left it that way.
Someone who tips poorly or is rude to those in the service industry. Self-explanatory. And if it isn’t, stay the hell away from me.
I have a habit of wanting to trust, of feeling guilty, of giving the benefit of the doubt, when none of this has been earned.
It stops here.
Life is too damn short, people. Spend it in good company.
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I learned these lessons a few years ago…and I'm very careful with my dealbreakers when it comes to friends…I basically agree with everything you put here…I'm very picky when it comes to the people in my life.
And hopefully I'm not in any of these categories…cuz it's all
about me…ha, right. I kid
I'm glad that you are focusing on quality and surround yourself with people who let you be you and stay strong because at the end of the day, bad friends just drain the hell out of you.
<3
Don’t forget someone who reads your emails / texts! Definitely a bad egg!
Someone who sniffs your underwear is a keeper, until they take it that step too far!
love you xxx me xxx
:::raises hands above head:::
:::closes eyes:::
:::begins to sway:::
AMEN, HALLELUJAH, PRAISE LILU!
I love the one about service industry. This is a big deal breaker when I’m on dates. I’m one of those people who doesn’t have any real friends and now I’m all self-consious… am I a bad friend?! I thought it was just b/c I’m shy and I don’t have much free time… which I guess does make me a bad friend.
I have a hard time cutting people out of my life, too – I keep giving chance after chance, until I’m done.
Once I’m done, though, I’m done forever. Good luck!
I’m beginning to learn these things, especially as I get closer to graduating from college and looking at grad schools – in other states. You see people fall off, you see who’s real and who isn’t. And you sort of stop attempting to salvage the friendships with people who don’t feel the need to keep in touch with you.
So, touche.
Good friendship deal-breakers. My relationship deal-breakers used to be:
1. Over 35
2. Doesn’t like animals
3. 110%, not a shred of doubt atheist
4. Carnivore
My boyfriend breaks EVERY ONE of these. And I wouldn’t have him any other way.
This is all about you going to block me, isn’t it?
Listen, I can admit when I’m wrong.
I just haven’t had that opportunity yet.
This is something I’ve been struggling with too, just trying to figure out who I really want to give my time to and learning that sometimes when you get older people change and it’s easy to drift from people who have been there for years.
I like the service-industry one too. I heard somewhere that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat people who aren’t important to them. (like the random server at some bar)
it’s so true!
AMEN Lilu!
Too bad we have to learn these things the hard way… oh well, builds character
#1 — While I don’t hate it when people pay for me, I always feel obligated to pay them back. I’m broke a lot, and a lot of my friends know I also work a lot, so they assume I’ve never got money (sometimes, I don’t). But there are certain people I don’t like spending time with because for some reason they feel like me paying for me is a giant hit on my paycheck, and, y’know, if it was? I would have said “Oh, I can’t come out, I’m not feeling well.”
#4 – I’m pretty shy, so all of my friends I know from work, or blogging, or school. I mean, all of my friends fall into one of those groups, so while I have friends independent of one group, I don’t think I have friends independent of any of those groups.
#5 – Yep, no matter how broke I am, if I can’t overtip, I’ll go without.
Those dealbreakers really cover all the bases. The manipulation is the worst.
I still give too many chances, but I’m working on it.
The tipping thing is a huge deal with me. People who don’t tip well, or try to find any excuse to “take away” from the tip are just cheap assholes who think they DESERVE to be waited on.
Going along with people who can’t admit they’re wrong are people who can admit it, but won’t because they think you’ll “be mad.” These are wishy washy jerkoffs who are too childish to face the music. More than once (more than twice, in fact), I’ve had people screw me over or piss me off and they know that I’m mad (and rightfully so), but they won’t call to apologize because they’re afraid I’ll be mad. So, they ignore me and the situation, making me more angry. Not only is that a pussy move, it doesn’t even make any damn sense.
My favorite deal breakers are the restaurant ones– fighting for the check and tipping. I do both to the excess, no matter how broke I am. As a tip snob, I am always stretching the neck, trying to spy on what % the others are throwin down… it’s awful. And I will fight to the death for the check. If I don’t have similar friends that tip well and offer to foot the bill every once and a while, I will be unhappy and broke.
They should make like eharmony.com for friendships…. actually, that would probably pull in everyone from your #4, so 86 that.
I agree with your dealbreakers, but I would have to add one. Or add on to your first one: Someone who thinks the world/conversation/every interaction revolves around them and makes sure everyone else knows it too. You know the type, has to be center of attention, their word is gold and if someone else is the focus in convo they will, sometimes forcefully, bring it back to them. That is one of my dealbreakers.
I really have no problem kicking people out of my life if they’ve done some shitty things. I’ve learned some lessons with friends and really all you need to know is- no one changes, if they’ve done it once-they’ll do it again, sometimes things just change and if they’re jealous of you in more than the omgyouhaveagreathair sort of way- than it’ll never work out. I realize it sucks to break up with a friend, but that’s the way life is and you just meet new ones. Harsh? But true.
A woman after my own heart, you are! Boundaries are a good thing! I am good at holding up boundaries!
“Someone who tips poorly or is rude to those in the service industry.”
That’s one of my big ones. If they can’t even be polite to a freakin waitress or bartender, what does that say about how they’ll treat me down the road?
so true! the older I get (ha, I’m not that old!) the more I realize this. I’m so sick of one-sided friendships that I am the only one who makes an effort to keep up with. so, after time, their torch is snuffed and they get voted off my island
well written my dear. i agree with you here. but the ones i call out the most for me personally is the “has no friends” one.
any girl that i have felt sorry for for being “lost” or a girl i have tried to take under my wing and bring her into my group of friends because she herself doesn’t have her own has always turned out badly. always.
you’re right, there is a reason they don’t have a group or any long term friends. this works for guys to btw.
Repeat after me: We don’t all need to be friends.
It is a mantra of mine. Why do we all try to force ourselves to get along when we don’t. This happens a lot in bloggy land too–we are different, varied people…which means some of us are TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLES. Or selfish. Or annoying. Or just have nothing in common.
We don’t all need to be friends.
Oh man, you seriously took the words right out of my mouth. That is EXACTLY how I feel about friendships and that is EXACTLY what I do to figure out who’s worth a damn and who isn’t. And, yes, while I refuse to tip well if someone SUCKS ASSHOLES, I am generally REALLY REALLY REALLY awesome at tipping because I was a server too.
But GAH! SO ON POINT today. So. On. Point.
Awesome post.
The thing that scares me is that my mom is a lot of these things.
She doesn’t believe she could ever be wrong.
Has no friends (unless you count my brother.)
She is ALWAYS rude to the people in the service industry. Even though her daughter was a waitress for five years and contantly tells her HOW BAD THEIR JOB SUCKS!
Parents. Blech. I can’t break up with my mom.
What a great list. I’ve had a hard time recognizing selfishness and predispositions for taking advantage of people, and it’s resulted in getting hurt – a lot. Now that I’m older I’m a little more aware of these signs. Still, I might print this as a handy reference for new-friend situations.
amen sister.
and good lord i love jerry seinfeld.
I read this thinking about one particular person I’ve given way too many chances. It all came to the forefront this week. For me it’s a time thing. I want to spend my time working on the relationships that have potential to grow. Those that don’t are going to get left behind.
I learned many of these lessons growing up, and I refuse to put up with any crap now… lol. Hear Hear!
wow. wish i had had your wisdom when i was your age – before i had all the friends i have now – mind you, in all honesty there is really only one friend that i could say i would rule out and it’s because we do not have the same values.
you have thought long and hard about this. it’s a GREAT post!
totally. totes ma gotes.
if you can’t tip correctly and/or you are rude to the service i’ll probably tip extra to make up for you making an ass of yourself and then never talk to you again.
too many years in the industry makes that a very touchy subject for me.
I find that I’m happy with my life until other people try to put their expectations on it. Like, I’m ok with still dating my manfriend, until people say “you still don’t live together?” and then I’m like, hey why don’t we? Then I remember, oh yea, I’m scared too. got it.
i never thought about it this way it makes sense you break up with guys why not girls who treat you badly?
Great post. I have a few great friends and lots of acquaintances and am so happy with that now. When I was younger I was quantity vs. quality too. Great dealbreakers – though I’m not sure about the no friends one, personally. Some people are shy, move a lot, etc, like you said.
I would also like to add to your great list: someone who won’t make the friendship a priority. And I don’t mean to the exclusion of the rest of your life. Things happen and sometimes plans need to be changed, etc…but you should not constantly blow off a friend, and then expect them to understand because you ‘are friends’. That is not how you should treat anyone.
I’ve found myself thinking this too–that if you switched the rolls and put your friend in the slot as your significant other, things she/he does to you would no longer be tolerable at that level of intimacy. We need to have dealbreakers in all types of relationships. Definitely like this post.
ditto Lemmonex: I used to have this thing where I always wanted one group of friends to be friendly with another and I’m FINALLY realizing you can’t force it, and also that it’s good to have different options.
Also – no one gets away with leaving a bad tip around me. No one.
I’m never wrong. Ever.
Can we still be friends?
Someone who has no friends is a deal breaker for me. Seriously i find that odd. Everyone should have at least one friend and anyone that doesn’t obviously has issues that I just don’t want to deal with.
Great list buddy!!
I refuse to spend time with stupid people. No more. I am worth more than that.
The bad tip thing surprisingly bothers me the most. I have a quasi friend who stiffs the waitress when we go out. Usually at the end of the meal everyone throws in their credit card and the server nicely applies the charge appropriately to each card. This girl leave NO tip and doesn’t even include tax.
It makes me crazy. Everyone got tired of covering her ass…she no longer gets asked out.
If I thought my ex would get hte picture, I would totally send this to him.
Because was ALL of those things. My jerkdar sucks.
I had people who can’t tip good or respect that service jobs make the world go ’round. My mom and MIL are waitresses. 20% is my minimum tip. Unless it’s just really horrible service. Then it’s more like 10-15%
Ohhh, friend break-ups definitely are tough. I’ve had a few in my time. But, you’re right—as I’ve gotten older, my “criteria” for friendship has certainly changed. And I think it should. Our time is *so* limited. Why wouldn’t we give it to people who meet the same high standards we set for our partner/significant other??
I promise I meet your standards. Can we be friends?
I had to go a good bit further into my life than you are and have some pretty crappy things happen to me before I grasped this concept. You’re lucky to have figured it out when you did and not have to waste your time with judgmental and unsupportive frenemies.
That Seinfeld clip is priceless. My deal breaker is someone who adds nothing to the situation. Someone who isn’t intelligent or funny or adds SOMETHING. Don’t be a bump on the log.
I actually broke up with a friend of 8 years, about 6 months ago.
Selfish? Yes.
Passive-aggressive? Yes.
Jealous? Yes.
Liar? Yes.
And I gave her multiple opportunities to fix her behavior, and finally, it came down to me not trusting her to not talk smack about people on her blog.
It was the best thing I could have done. She’s still friends with my best friends, which is fine, but my life is so much more free of drama now.
Amen sistah! I like to believe I’m a pretty good judge of character and can usually tell if I want to be someone’s friend within the first day meeting them. And if I don’t like yah, well I don’t like yah. I’m not going to pretend because as you said, life’s too short and I prefer to spend it with those I deem to be great people!
So true. Life is too short not to enjoy it around people you like.
Here, here! I had a bit of a falling-out with a life-long friend a couple months ago, and our larger group of friends keeps pestering me to make amends. But… what if I don’t want to? What if we’re just two very different people and I have no desire to reconcile? Why shouldn’t we just be able to go our separate ways, as we would if we were romantically involved? So thanks for telling me what I already kind of sort of knew… life is too short to dwell on such things, there’s other fish (and friends) in the sea.
Awww! Look who continues to grow up on me. So proud! I don’t doubt you’ll slowly add a few more to that list and that is okay.
I have a few more:
- Someone who always covers up their cleavage
- Someone who touches my remote control
- Someone who doesn’t lavish me with praise
- Belgians
you are SO RIGHT about all of this. i learned about people taking advantage of you and people with “no friends” back in high school when people would expect me to drive everywhere because my parents paid for my gas, and when trying to befriend the “loners” they would just come across as ungrateful and selfish, or all the other deal breakers you mentioned. and as a waitress, I came to realize that people who tip bad or are rude to servers are pretty shitty people in general. as for the rest, i think we all meet people who meet those deal breakers throughout life, and we all learn the hard way about them sooner or later.
i’d agree with Narm too, people who add nothing and just blend in and sit there are another deal breaker. if you’re depending on everyone else to make your life interesting, then you’re definitely not worth my time!
Unfortunately it took me about 15 years too long to learn not to make friends with the wrong people. I have a similar kind of list I use to weed people out. I think human beings naturally look for characteristics in others that are similar to our own personalities. We like to be the same, not different.
Back in the “old days” of the D.C. blogging world, there were a lot of women who spoke openly about their mental issues. It took me too long to learn that those friendships were never built on anything other than their self-imposed crazy. Hate to say it, but if I meet someone who feels they can discuss their daily medication cocktail with the public and their visits to the shrink, I step away. I had to learn and re-learn this lesson a few times over. It didn’t sink in the first time, obviously. FreckledK says I’ve made some really poor friend choices over the past years. She’s right.
Great points you make and good for you for learning these at such a young age!
My wife recently ended a relationship with a good friend of hers because it was so one way, the friend simply used her over and over. The clincher came when she asked my wife to go wait for a locksmith at her house for the 5 hour window they gave, then asked her to pay for it and she would get back to her when she “could afford it”.
Agree… I had a few “breakups” with friends in the past. Either too much senseless drama for no reason (always felt like I was on “defense” mode) or something else that was off, not showing the friendship as a priority at all in their lives.
I had one friend that I would make plans with, and two days before she would cancel because she made plans with her coworkers, she made plans with other friends, etc etc. WTF? So after it happened a few times I asked “what’s up” — how can you make plans with me and later you can’t make it because you’re meeting someone for dinner? And she said we were never good friends to begin with. What are we in, high school? If she didn’t like me, why even make plans to begin with? Needless to say, I never spoke to her again.
PQ: They really, really do. It feels good to be free.
jen – TSK: Clean or dirty? xoxo
cavy: When I'm right, I'm RIGHT.
liferehab: That is a FABULOUS date-criteria. And I have a feeling you're one of those "exceptions" I was talking about
Dagny Taggart: "Once I'm done, though, I'm done forever." WORD, sister. Word.
JJ: I actually had a line about how in college, it's easier to be everyone's friend- you have so much time, and it's all just one big party. That DEFINITELY changes after you graduate!
Racquel Valencia: Exceptions are the best people sometimes. Truth. <3
moooooog35: Everything about you is wrong. But is *such* a right way.
shakeitgood: I hope you find the right balance! It's so important to one's happiness, I think.
sour: It IS. Trust me on this.
Stefanie: Dad was right after all!
Snay: I think shy is the exception to #4, but you've done pretty well for yourself with all those groups!
Liebchen: Slowly but surely, we will get there. xoxo
BeckEye: PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. I totally missed that in this list! I fucking can't STAND that shiz.
Sarah, TNG: I always stretch the neck, too… and I judge. OH, how I judge!
gennarae: Oh, HELL yes. That's one I still need to work on cutting out, too…
reinventingamy: Very true. I'm with you 100%.
Jules: I'm getting better!
Maxie: Amen, sistahfriend. You get me.
Lexiloo: "Voted off my island" I am totally stealing that! Love it!
alexa: That one has recently become the most obvious for me as well. We've talked about this, but HELL YES.
Lemmonex: My back: You have it. I love you.
Deutlich: I knew you would like this one
Kelly: I didn't think about that, but there are a lot of people in your situation… and exactly! What do you do? You can't break up with family!
Kat: You know what? I might, too. I still need reminding myself…
brookem: Who doesn't? xoxo
f.B: You and I always seem to be in the exact same place. Eerie.
Margarita: I know you don't, girl! And I love it.
raino: I worked really, really hard on this. I think it came out just right.
Emily: First, "totes magotes" is my new favorite thing EVER. Second, A FREAKING MEN.
Fizzgig: I never thought about it either (til recently), but why not? If I don't want you in my life, so be it… romantic OR friend.
Christy: There are definitely exceptions to that one! And I will take note of them as I go through life
Ryane: YES. I know you've been dealing with this lately, and YES. A little effort- something! Especially when I'm reaching out repeatedly. Come on now.
Mb: Thanks, darlin. I thought you would. We're usually of the same mind on things like this.
Bethie: This is why I love you, snugglebear!
Matt: If you're never wrong, you never need apologize. We shall see…
LBluca77: Right? It's just totally weird. Exceptions to be sure… but usually? HUGE red flag.
Kate: Oh, good one! DEFINITELY.
Dolce: You did the right thing. Maybe she'll actually get the hint.
clairebell: Hopefully it gets better each time we get screwed over though… *hugs*
Kylie: Then you, my dear, are just about perfect.
hannahjustbreathe: Ummm… how about a big fat YES!!! *Smooch*
Fiery Nuggets: I'm sure glad I figured it out when I did, too, even if it hurt along the way.
Narm: Oh my lord, YES. My 5th grade Language Arts teacher always used to yell at us, "Don't just be a bump on a pickle!" And that cat lady was right.
Kristina P: Good for you, hon. Eight years… you KNOW you did the right thing.
Je: Abso friggin lutely. I generally do okay, but a few asshats have slipped through the cracks. This list should help
Marie: Amen.
Alanna: Exactly! That doesn't just apply to significant others re: "fish in the sea"!
Miss Scorpio: Don't get all schmoopy on me… well, okay, do. And if you know what those others are, lay em on me… I shall try to heed…
peterdewolf: Damn Belgians. They're everywhere.
SL Ginger: Hells yes! The boring and stupid need not apply!
Velvet: That's a great one. I like playing therapist every now and then, but that's a little much, fo shiz.
SkylersDad: Oh my lord… YES, I believe that would fall under the category of "taking advantage!" My mom had a similar friend, but she's since cut her out, she says… I hope she did!
Beach Bum: Flaking ALL THE TIME definitely gets old. Seriously, don't waste my time. There are cooler people to hang out with!
I got a nice wake up call about who my real friends are after my recent (and horrid) breakup. Someone who I thought was a good friend betrayed me in an unforgivable way and the only apology I got was a “sorry” via text message.
Suffice to say that from now on, I will only surround myself with people who treat me as well or better than I treat them. And I am a damn good friend.
I have often been considered “the bitch” because I don’t and have never made half assed friendships. I have a relatively small tight circle and I am brutally honest when it comes to invites from acquaintances just for the sake of invites. I have always fiercely guarded my time and as I get older am sure as shit glad that I have.
love,
The bitch
You seem like a wonderful friend to have. Keep up the good work of realizing how valuable your fiendship is and sticking only with those who are deserving it.
So, while I totally agree with those prevention steps, I disagree that you can’t break up with a friend unless they’ve done something horrific. Think about it this way. In high-school, you had your 5 closest friends. In college, you make an additional 7 closest friends, bringing the total up to 12. Your first few years as a post-college adult, you make 5 more friends (now 17) and so on. There’s no way you can logically stay *close* to all those people and still have a job, date a boy, etc. So, there will be a natural thinning over time. It happens to everyone. And it’s not always due to horrific circumstances!
great post. i’m going to show this to my roommate later tonight because we were coincidentally discussing something similar last night.
the one i need to pay more attention to is “someone who has no friends”. i end up figuring this out after i’ve witnessed firsthand psychoness
Love your blogs! Everything you say is how i feel but in better writing form. lol.
I’ve always had deal breakers. Specially with friendships. I don’t consider it being a trust issue. I usually give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they show me otherwise. I give second chances but if whatever they did doesn’t change then i cut those people out of my life.
I have a lot of acquaintances.. and only 2 close friends.
sometimes it sucks, but i rather have 2 AWESOME people then plenty of people who it might be ‘fun’ to go out with but NONE that i can actually count on.
My red flag: Girls who only have guy friends.
I became a happier person the day I decided to trim the fat. No time for extras anymore.
See, now why can’t you live in Illinois? This state needs more awesome friends like you.
I’m a people pleaser as well. It totally sucks!
not to make this about me (ehem, which i do all the time. shit) but when i started grad school this fall it occurred to me for that the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE i wasn’t trying to befriend every single person in the program. it felt weird, but it was coming naturally so i went with it.
fast forward 8 months later and i have less friends (in the facebook sense, i suppose) than i would, but so many better relationships. here’s to growing up. and to you.
This is so true. I have a friend who constantly lets me down. But how do I say, “hey, bitch, it’s over”????
I can’t. So I just ignore her now.
As soon as I saw that this was about friendship dealbreakers, my first thought was someone who doesn’t have any long-term friends. And there it was. I think it just shows that they aren’t willing to put in the effort to be a friend, no matter the circumstances, and that’s a big no-no.
but what happens when the dealbreaker occurs with someone in your family? my little sister is such a twat (she posseses every dealbreaker quality you named) and yet I feel the need to try to make it work with her. depresses the hell out of me.
In all the readings I’ve done I’ve run across the “tip well” advice for men on a date. Good to see women notice.
I have been weeding out the assfucks in my life.
I recently had to lose a friend who I thought was going to be one I grow old with. Turns out, she had the mental capacity of at 13 year old on her period.
I had to drop her. She was toxic.
Best decision I ever made.
You can’t be friends with 95% of the human population.
Quality indeed.
I whole heartedly agree.
Good list. A few more…
Someone who’s a downer/energy suck.
Someone who treats animals badly.
Someone who has no sense of humor.
Hi! I’m delurking to say this was an awesome post…and kind of exactly what I needed to hear in terms of a situation in my own life! Love your blog.
pretty spot on! however, if the service is aboslutely terrible, i don’t tip a lot, but i’ve never left no tip at all!
Awesome post!! I actually had to “break up” with several friends this year when I realized I was being taken advantage of for years. I just kept on making excuses for them. I have to say, the best thing I did was to end those friendships.
As for reaching for the bill, this is one of my problems. After a while, people just expect you to do it even when they know you’re broke!
Jeez. It’s getting crowded in here…
I totally agree with you and Maxie above – the treatment of staff in any capacity is among the best indicators of true personality.
And I would also include people who are “just too darn busy” to return calls, messages, etc. We’re all busy, people. Why is your “busy” more important than my “busy”?
Lilu, your list is damn good! Especially num 3.
I haven’t broken up with a friend in a while but I have let some go. Friendships are relationships and require hard work, dedication and compromise. Some are just too much work and not enough return.
Of course, I write this as I pack to go and visit my best friend from 4th grade. I’m not sure we have a lot in common anymore but 25 years of shared history is enough for email and phone calls and a weekend visit every year or two.
I completely agree. But now what do you do if you already have several friends who fit into one or more of those categories? Yikes. I have a friend who is THE WORST TIPPER EVER. I always end up throwing down a couple more $’s after we stand up to leave b/c I know she’s shorted her tip. Talk about annoying. She’s also the type to take 50 free mints from the conceierge.
Duh.
I love your post! Once again, sheer brilliance! I am lucky enough to have had the same friends forever. The cool part is that they are from different parts of my past and a very eclectic blend of peeps.
Over the years only one really good friend dropped away. I still don’t really know why. But she used to be a horrible tipper – her motto – good service $1, great service $2 not matter what the total! I was always overtipping on my end to equal out her end when we went out. She cut that shit out quick when she took a job as a server once. From then on she tipped a little better.
The only other prerequisite I require for friendship is the same sense of humor, or at least get my humor and I get yours. Without common laughter I dont think any friendships can really stand the test of time. Its just nice when someone gets you, you know?
shine: I bet you are, love. Here’s to better decisions!
repliderium: From one bitch to another: Viva la brutal honesty!
Patty Duke: Aw, thanks Patty. I will most certainly try!
SoMi’s Nilsa: Good call. That’s the “fade-out,” and ain’t nothing wrong with it- just different categories, methinks.
raych: Awesome! And TRUST me on that one… as someone who’s been burned.
T: Two amazing friends is worth ten fake. Most definitely. And THANK YOU! You’re too sweet!
Steam Me Up: That’s a good one, too. It’s fine to be a tomboy, but… well, shouldn’t you have some tomboy girlfriends, at least?
Kate: I know!!! Someday, we will be united…
Constructive Attitude: It can be stressful, for sure.
Vittoria: I love deFacebooking. No, seriously, I do.
Briana: As long as that’s working! If not, eventually, you’ll have to say it, though…
lovelyAnomaly: Long-term friends- EXACTLY. BIG red flag.
Hillary: Kelly mentioned her mother embodies many of these… I don’t know what to tell you, love, except to keep contact to a minimum. Ugh.
Dmbosstone: We DEFINITELY notice. (But that’s not why you should be doing it…)
WickedCourtni: Toxic is just the right word for it, methinks. Congratulations on your freedom!
Mike: I say 98%.
lacochran: Yes, yes, and YES. Particularly that last one, which you have in spades, my dear.
Laura: Yay for delurking! And I’m glad to help. Pipe up any time
dmb5_libra: Oh sure- if the service is horrible, that’s a different scenario. But generally speaking.
Rambling Diva: I know! We need to stop… but it’s so hard after years of doing it!
Fearless: Missed you, love. What are you, busy?
[F]oxymoron: Thanks, dear. I’ve thought about these a lot.
Kristin: Oh, hells yeah it is. It’s always good to relive the elementary school days.
Kellie: It’s your call, but it’s one of my Dealbreakers, officially. Everyone has their own, though… I find it especially intolerable because of the time I spent in restaurants.
Kimberly: Thanks so much! And I hope she tipped a LOT better after serving herself! And I am *so* with you on the sense of humor- can’t believe I missed that one!
I find myself nodding along to all of your deal breakers and even have a few of my own to add.
- If I know something is wrong and you don’t want to tell me, just say you don’t want to talk about it. Please, for the love of God, do not lie about it.
- People not knowing the difference between being funny and being cruel lumps of shit.
Dirty…fo sho!
Fab post lady. Sometimes reading you feels like reading me at 25 in a bizarrely eerie way.
Around 25, my bonanza of weddings started and didn’t stop until oh, never. Now they have merged at 29 to baby events…BUT that being said–
Around that same time, I cut out about 20 friends. I also kept another 30 or so, but I cut out anyone who wanted more than they could ever give, who treated me like shit or like I was expendable, or like you said–was selfish.
For me, its the hypocrites that got the boot first. The ones who want you to do EVERYTHING and then are crap friends. Ugh, dumped.
I think when people only have a few friends they tend to let douches stay in their lives bc there are less around them–but a lot of us just don’t have the time or the energy to keep up with an excess of crap friends when there are already a plethora of amazing ones around.
So, that being said–I have done the friend break up thing–my mid 20s were spent doing that and attending wedding events sadly–and I am so much happier in my choices.
Granted when I got super into blogging at 27, I met a bucketload of people and had to do the same at 29…but now, at 30…I am beyond happy with all my friends…the best and the just good friends…because they are all there because I WANTED them to be and because they are incredible friends.
Awesome post Lilu.
I’ve always believed that you can get an accurate ‘read’ on someone by looking to their animals, or their small children… if these are dysfunctional, irrationally aggressive, scared, or otherwise eff’ed up – then I don’t care what sort of facade the person wears. GET OUT.
If they have no kids or pets… go by how they treat service personnel and/or employees.
I’ve learned to deal with certain ‘vampires’… those who are negative all the time and NEED too much. Not all, but some. Some can truly benefit from a positive friendship… but you have to really be cold hearted and draw the line when the “taking and not giving” needs to stop.
Shit… seriously?? Had some similar thoughts round my birthday time!
Couple of dealbreakers for me that I may add:
1) The “One Upper”… you know… when you say u went to Chicago for a day they come back with, “I just went for a WEEK!” or u say wow I was hammered last night and they say, “I was so much MORE hammered… I threw up everywhere!”… yeah…
2) Someone who “forgets” u have a life… now that’s kind of pissy pants me but I’m talking about friends I’ve had that get upset if my children or my lover get in the way of something… any friend of mine should always understand that John and my kiddos always come first. Period. End of story.
and finally 3) The “our men are friends so we have to be friends” kinda friend… I’m a very social and socially accepting person but I really HATE being “required” to be friends with anyone… I think it instantly puts me in a bad mood.
K.. tah tah for now… just a few suggestions based on trials I’ve been thru
I have a “friend” right now who fits the description of the first three things you listed. You described her perfectly. Luckily it will “fade out” on its own when I graduate in a month.
sweetie, this is so true. i’ve been known to kick a fella to the curb for far less than these things but friends… i just let them hang around and weigh me down.
my biggest fault is the “someone who repeatedly takes advantage of you.” and because i want to belive in people, trust them, etc. most of the time i don’t even realize what’s going on until well after the fact.
i’m with you. it stops here.
I must have sucker written all over me because I have had the worst friends ever. They’re usually psychotic in one way or another and are so completely draining to me. It shouldn’t be so much work to have a friend.
I can totally see where you’re coming from with the guys who can’t admit they’re wrong. I HATE people like that, I’m too argumentative to survive long with people like that. =P
I love this! I also dump friends who just talk talk talk about themselves all the time. A need a little give and take in my life. Total dealbreaker.
Hollla, girl, holllla.
What a classic clip.
Agreed.
Someone who has no friends is a definite red flag – there is ALWAYS a reason!
That’s what she said!
The only deal-breaker for me is a person who can’t fireman carry me home from the bars. Without that, a person is pretty much useless to me.
i agree with all of these lessons, especially about the people that can’t admit they’re wrong, those are the worst.
What happens when I’m the person with these qualities. Good thing these weren’t deal breakers for my husband.
I sat here wondering if my own S.O. had any of these qualities…and then I realized maybe it was ME!! Yikes! I hope I am not any of these, and if I am G-d help me realize it before it’s too late!
selfish, advantage taker, can’t admit their wrong, has no friends…
Lilu are you friendshiply breaking up with me?
That hurts. Really hurts.
I definitely have had to break up with a friend–even after being asked to be her MOH. Awkward, but so necessary. My life is so much easier now with people who really seem to care!
(yea! I can comment again!)
So, you posted this at exactly the right time. I was totally thinking the other day about this friend I have and have known for about 10 years. We were really close in high school and then after high school we drifted apart a little but recently we’re back living in the same town and are getting to be really close again…well lately each time I see her I become more and more aware that we wouldn’t be friends if we just met now…we’re only still friends because we have a history…sometimes I think we should “break up” but I think it will be easier to wait until one of us dies (just like Sienfeld! lol).
But yes, I think that being selective with your friends is important.
and F everyone who doesn’t tip their server/bar tender. that’s just WRONG. oh, an 37 cents does not a tip make.
Kendall: Oh, YES to that last one- I recently had to cut a friend from 8TH GRADE loose. But it was such the better thing… I guess 28 chances is my limit, apparently.
jen – TSK: Haha! Awesome. Ly gross.
KassyK: Exactly. It’s all about figuring out how to spend your time- or rather, WHO to MAKE time for.
Greta: Thanks, darlin!
Connie: Oh, good call. And I hear you on the “benefit” thing… I’m just not sure I could keep myself from giving more than they deserved!
Miles To Go: Oh, the “One Upper”… I know that asshat well. Sigh.
Stephanie: Oh, girl- RUN! Run as soon as you have the chance!
calixta.jive: Yes! *Grabs your hand and raises in the “V” for Victory* We can do it!
blueviolet: Oh man… I have no more room for crazy in my life. You need to cut them out before they suck the life outta you!
Nicole: Good for you! And it’s DEFINITELY not just guys… girls too! Trust.
Jackie: Exactly. Like, when was the last time you asked how *I* was doing? And, yanno, actually meant it?
Amandaaa: Thanks, love! *smooch*
Gabby: ALWAYS.
JSauce: THANK YOU! I can’t believe it took 100 comments for someone to gimme that!
TishTash: Ooooo- how could I forget the MOST important thing?!
Katelin: They really, really are. Karma’s coming for them, though.
Playful Professional: And make sure he doesn’t read this post
Sassy Britches: Aw, no way, love! Just a touch of sass… which makes you just right!
JPP: Girl, you are all KINDS of wrong… but it is so, so right! *slaps ass*
Elizabeth: Oh, SO awkward… but totally the best move. What a headache that would have been for someone not worth it!
Hannah: Yayyy! I’m sorry- not sure what’s going on with that. And at least now we can put our preventative measures into play… no more shite friends! *smooch*
There should absolutely, positively be friendship dealbreakers — and I agree with all of yours! I have no room for toxic people in my life.
One that I saw that no one mentioned was the friend that can’t be there for you when really sick or after serious illness that required surgery.
When I learned that lesson,I was shocked. One very close friend couldn’t even call me. It was incredibly painful.
I moved her from good friend category to acquintance category because we had shared some close friends.
She admitted a couple years later (when another of her friends gotten really sick) that she wasn’t there for me. I told her the truth and said I thought she was a horrible friend.
I think she was taken aback because she thought I hadn’t noticed. She sincerely apologized and asked for advice how to handle her other friend. I told her to just be there. She may not understand her pain, but she could call and listen.
My friend has never let me down since and I think our friendship has grown. However, if she never said a word, I would have eventually dropped her.
I am with you on the people who have no friends thing.
I used to take these people in like they were going out of fashion (except they already were).
I now think, “What must be wrong with them?” before proceeding with caution.
I also think people who make you feel worse after seeing them than you did beforehand.
Simple.
I unfortunately still have tried the fadeout thing…it doesn’t work. Every few months, someone will rear their ugly head.
i was fortunate enough to be born already ‘getting’ this concept and have lived my life choosing and/or keeping only the good ones. totally worth it! no energy suckers!
it is really hard to keep in touch with people now. i find that if friends don’t put in much effort neither do i. i hate balancing shit!
Someone who tips poorly or is rude to those in the service industry. Self-explanatory. And if it isn’t, stay the hell away from me.
AND this is the prime example why we could make it as friends XD
i loved this whole entry…with the entry IN the entry. actually, fuck it..i love this whole damn blog.
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