We have a very special surprise for y’all today, ladies and gents. My darling boy, the man himself… impersonator of Cesar Millan, author of the crazy Shiz My Boyfriend Says, and provider of taquitos even in the midst of a fiery argument… has decided to drop one of his own stories on us for a change. (I think he decided he should be in charge of delivering the humiliation for a change. Whatevski. I tell it like I see it, babe.)
I give you to the man, the myth, the legend…
B, the microphone is yours.
One very special evening towards the end of the alcoholic experiment I called “college,” (and well into my drunken downward spiral), I stumbled home to my college girlfriend’s (CG) apartment. At this point she was pretty well-versed in the chucklefuck that was 21-year old B.
Previously, CG (tearfully) put up with such things as finding me in the morning bruised, bloody and covered in dirt yet completely unaware how I had come to resemble neanderthal man; staying out until all hours of the morning with god knows who doing lord knows what; being arrested, getting into bar fights, etc…(read: I was a drunk mess and a terrible boyfriend).
This particular night had everything. Drugs? You know it! Beer? Only the wettest! (That’s what she said.) As I stumbled into her apartment late that evening, CG had definitely experienced more than her fair share of my normal asshattery. However, on THIS particular night, I had a little more up my sleeve (and down my pants)…
After passing (blacking) out in her bed, I awoke at some point in the night and, not surprisingly, had to pee. Somehow, I dragged myself out of the bed and into the bathroom… except what I thought was the bathroom might have been her closet at the foot of her bed. The sound of running water must have woken CG because she yelled, “B! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? STOP PEEING IN MY CLOSET!!!”
As any reasonable person would be, I was extremely offended by her abrupt tone. I lazily turned around, assessed the situation, and defiantly slurred back:
“Fffuuuckkk yoooooooou.”
I guess this was the last straw for baby jesus and he FINALLY decided to strike me down, because just as the words were leaving my mouth… I slipped and fell into the pile of pee-drenched clothes. Which is exactly where CG let me spend the rest of the night.
I, of course, remembered none of this, and was shocked at her bad attitude (and the stench of my clothes) the next morning. I will say that was the first and only time I’ve ever “peed the bed” (unlike my roommate, who had an uncanny knack for pissing himself whenever he slept with a girl).
During just one of these many times, he peed the bed after hooking up with Some Random Girl (hooray college!). So he did what anyone would do: picked up said Random Girl, moved her to his (wet) side… and went back to sleep where she had been. Cruel? You know it! Dry? As Liza Minnelli’s vag! Random Girl of course thought the mess was her own, and was so mortified she took the sheets home to wash them.
The take away here: I may be a dick who pees in his girlfriend’s closet then curses at HER. But at least I’LL do the laundry.
Apparently I have a knack for dating guys who pee in strange places…
{ 80 comments }
I’ve actually peed the bed I was so wasted once. True story.
The dead guy used to pee on me regularly. He even did it once when my parents were visiting and when I got up in the middle of the night to get a towel and yell at him, my mom’s calling from the other room, “What’s the matter? Do you need some help?” Good Lord.
In fairness, it was the snake (Damien?) grabbing that girl’s boob.
As if the story wasn’t bad er…good enough, the pictures…
Oh the mustache. Oh B, what crawled on your face and died?
beautifully written! When my dad was at college he used to tie his ankles to the bed, when drunk not, to stop himself weeing in his closet!!! Bless dad!
B’s a Keeper fo’ sho’! X
That story was insane, in a good way. My husband knows a guy who pees his pants every single time he drinks…right there on the barstool.
I thought the couch felt unusually damp the morning after the Bloggerational Ball…hmmm…
CG did sound kind of abrupt there…
Muahahahaha. That’s pretty darn funny, so long as it wasn’t me. =)
BTW, aren’t you supposed to be blogging about something darn important: the University of National Champions!!!!
Love the post and the fact that B told it! One of my friends has a peeing problem when drunk..one time she peed in the guy’s sock drawer… thought process behind that one…no idea. BTW, love the stache!!!!
“finding me in the morning bruised, bloody and covered in dirt yet completely unaware how I had come to resemble neanderthal man”
Dude, I can relate.
hahaha a BIG thanks to b for sharing – and the pictures make it even better! i had a friend in college who was so afraid of peeing his bed that he made it a point to go out to the parking lot before hitting the hay to pee on the cars of people he hated or girls who rejected him. the best was in the winter when it froze.
Oh, even though I have heard this story before it is still hysterical. Thank GOD I have never pissed myself. I have to deal with enough indignities.
I had a drunk girl pee on my socks once.
Actually, she did it twice.
I’ve been desperate for most of my life.
I have never peed the bed sober or not. I did pee in my parents’ laundry basket once, except I was 4 and I used to sleepwalk. Does that count?
Um and that mustache is what we like to call a beaner stache. Offensive? As B talking about Liza Minnelli’s vag! Woot!
There’s nothing quite like a nice, refreshing piss in the middle of a drunk sleep. I put it all on CG for not having locks on her closet doors to prevent B’s absolutely predictable behavior.
Lucky snake…
1) Sweet ‘stache, B. I think you have a future career as a state trooper.
2) I almost pissed on a pile of my clothes freshman year. Fortunately, I was caught before I let it rip and was directed to the bathroom.
3) A friend ended up in a girl’s room, but before things proceeded she went to the bathroom. He decided he didn’t want to be there, pissed on a pile of her dirty laundry, and then just left. At work the next afternoon, he ended up waiting on a table with the girl and her parents. Based on her (lack of) a reaction, he assumed she had not checked her dirty laundry that day.
When did he decide to stop rockin’ the porn star ‘stache? I demand he bring it back!
I dated a bed peeer in college! He’d get drunk, piss the bed and then get mad at ME because he was drunk and embarassed. What a fucker.
Shannon: It’s about the one thing I HAVEN’T done wasted.
Kate: Oh, grody. You are a SAINT, woman.
peterdewolf: Fair enough… I stand corrected.
PQ: Amen, sister. And it ain’t ever coming back.
Jen – TSK: He is, despite this. Thank goodness there’s been a little “maturing” since then…
blueviolet: One word: DEPENDS.
Fearless: I don’t know what you’re talking about…
lacochran: I’m so glad she got all of the drunk asshole out of him for me!
SoMi’s Nilsa: YAYYYYYY GO HEELS!!!!!!! What a game!
Lady Jane: Don’t encourage him… he’ll grow it out again!
Matt: You guys are NUTS.
cavy: That happened to me… with VOMIT.
Lemmonex: Never! We are LADIES.
moooooog35: Twice PER sock? Damn.
Just A Girl: I know. We tried to think of the best woman for the job… had to be Lucille II!
FoggyDew: Looks like that snake got around that night.
JFo: Sweet! No tickets, ever!
rondamarie: Shhhh! Don’t encourage him!
The Maiden: The things we go through in college. Sigh…
Nice B!
looking back at theme party pictures from college is an excellent pass-time. we look so ridiculous now, but at the time it was totally normal!
The pictures are really the icing on the cake. And, wow…that ‘stache…
I have never peed in my closet or any other closet. I have, however, peed behind several dumpsters. I believe that makes me klassy with a k.
B is awesome. Like the kind of awesome that lands him in People Mag as Man of the Year.
Well done B the pictures are priceless!
Dry? As Liza Minnelli’s vag! is officially my favourite quote that i am gonna find ways to work into conversations!!
this was priceless i DEMAND more esp photo wise!!!
I think every boy I know, has peed in a closet. Someone should divert some of that research money wasted on things like, the swamp rat, and study what it is about boys that make them pee in closets.
clearly…it’s an epidemic. Don’t you find that strange? Men really ARE from mars!
Love the snake outfit, clever!
If you did the laundry, all should be forgiven.
LMFAO…this has to be one of the best post I’ve read in a long time…nice ‘stache B
haha bed peeer… I don’t know if I can look at them the same way after they do that! They’ll have to buy me new sheets for sure! Though I admit I’ve gone on a sidewalk before from the bar when I was wasted. But I was wearing a slutty skirt so it was pretty easy LOL
I’ve peed the bed as a grown up, and I’ve never had a drink in my life. I think that’s probably far worse.
at least you didn’t piss ON her. my friend dan many times has not only arisen half asleep during a black out and not peed in a toilet but literally stood up turned around towards the bed and pissed on his girlfriend.
this happened minimally twice a month our entire senior year of college she still stayed with him.
that’s love.
First of all, “chucklefuck” will now be incorporated into my vocabulary FOR LIFE. FOR FUCKING EVER!
Because yes.
Secondly, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE!
‘Nuff said.
Further proof that you are PERFECT for each other!
Hahahaha! I must agree with Deutlich on both counts
That is awesome. I love the pics. I can’t wait for you to post some too!
I wrote a post around Halloween about my friend peeing on my coffee table. Yeah, that was nice to wake up to.
Jake the Snake!
And, dude, that stache. Bring back the dream, man. Bring back the dream.
I love that you pissed in her closet AND told her to fuck off.
I love it even more that she let you sleep there.
So hilarious! One of my best friends actually has peed in many a guys bed after sleeping with them. How embarassing! Yet the guys keep coming back for more, so it mustn’t be that much of a turn off I guess.
fantastic!
i’m actually seeing a slight resemblance of the last b pic and your new pic… except he looks drunk and you obv look adorable.
DUDE. “chucklefuck”??? i love it. am promptly stealing it for my own use.
i am SO PLEASED that while i’m typically more than happy to embarass myself while drunk, 2 things i’m not prone to are a) peeing in unfortunate places, like my bed or closet; and b) getting nekkid in public.
B gets an A for this!
Kristin: He is a keeper!
lustyreader: Oh, I know. There are so many incriminating photos of me…
Liebchen: May it never come back.
Hopers: Me too! We’re klassy twins!
Julie: Him and Clooney are in a dead heat, I’m sure.
Caroline: Truly, no?
cJs: If you work that into conversation, you MUST blog it!
Fizzgig: It really is! I swear, EVERY girl has a story like this… wtf??
surviving myself: You WOULD be on his side.
Lil’ Woman: For a porn star, totes.
AsiaValentina: Slutty skirts are good for *so* many things
Kristina P: I think it’s far AWESOMER. You are a champ!
alexa: That is love. Even more than a taquito, that’s love.
Deutlich: I know. I snorted when I read that for the first time.
Lisa: True story!
Ruby: She’s a smart cookie, that one.
Kellie: I’m going to dig tonight…
f.B: I knew you’d say that.
repliderium: I think she was used to it. Which really is the saddest part of all.
Robyn: They always do! I swear every guy has a “the time I peed NOT in the toilet OR outside” tale!
mylittlebecky: Very, VERY drunk. But still adorable.
Alice: Please steal and spread it like it was the herp. The people must hear it!
fiona: No “plus”? You’re tough!
That is a phenom story and reminds me of a good one just in time for TMI Thursdays. Stay tuned…
Once, in a drunken night of too much Crown Royal (D has been since let the whiskeys go) I woke up to splatters on my face. (we were sleeping in our friends living room because we got too drunk to drive)
I look up, and his ass is peeing on our friends GLASS COFFEE TABLE. And, Also on me. Indirectly anyway.
I said “D! WTF ARE YOU DOING!?”
Him: “Bitch I will piss on you.”
I shut up. Until the next day anyway when he tried to make me pinkie promise not to tell her that he peed on her coffee table.
Riiiiiiiight. I got your bitch. AS SOON AS SHE WOKE UP I told her.
Heh.
Who the hell is Jack the Snake Roberts?
Damn you women and not knowing WWF wrestling heroes!
Classy. (And the “That’s what she said,” comment was perfectly timed.)
Liza Minelli’s vag is not dry.
Where do you think feta cheese comes from?
Man, wasn’t college great? A guy who lived downstairs from me used to piss in his own room while drunk every chance he got. Hamper? Check. Out the window? Check. In a bottle already filled with spit from chewing? Check.
LMAO!!! oh, B is such a love to want to share that with all of us!
Is that a real ‘stache? He should grow it back.
I’m not sure many people can top this when they post their TMI Thursday stories. B gets an A+ for this!
A friend of mine used to travel alot for work and once woke up to the elevator ding… turns out he’d sleptwalked INTO the hallway and proceeded to pee on somebody’s New York Times. THEN to add to that embarrassment, he had to call down to the lobby after he woke up to get them to open his hotel room door for him because the door had shut and well… duh! He didn’t have his key!
I LOVED this story. Too funny. And in hindsight it’s nice to see that he’s realized what a jackoff boyfriend he was and feels bad about it! LOL
The “Snake” and “Facial Hair” get the + …duh! lol
That is a serious guy problem. And now I’m laughing thinking of Charlie in Dennis’s bed going, “Am I peeing?”
And great pics too.
is that a real stache? he looks like an 80′s porn star.
he’s certainly a keeper.
Mb: Oh, I can’t wait. The gift that keeps giving…
WickedCourtni: Fucking RIGHT! After that back splatter, what did he expect?
rs27: JAKE. I’m sorry, it was JAKE the Snake. Jeebus.
Kim: He’s good like that.
Mike: That is officially the most disgusting comment I’ve ever gotten. It’s also in my top ten favorites of all time. Congrats.
Kate: His aim sounds impeccable!
Violet: He is a giver!
Marie: NO. No he should not. And it is TMI to normal people, isn’t it?Not to us…
Twinkie: Well… at least he went on the paper… good boy!
fiona: Damn skippy!
BeckEye: I FUCKING LOVE MY COMMENTERS. You are freaking awesome.
Dr Zibbs: He’s so photogenic.
SLGinger: Hmm… maybe we should role play…
This post was awesome! I used to date a guy just like that…God, I hated him.
Glad your man turned out to be a keeper. I think my ex is still sleeping in his piss.
And the guy who moved the girl to his wet spot? Freaking priceless. I wish I had a story as good as that.
Hahaha… um, favorite post by a man of all time.
P.S. chucklefuck is my new go-to word.
I am going to steal his costume idea for Halloween this year and there is nothing anybody can do about it.
I’m still laughing at WHATEVSKI …but that snake costume is insanely awesome.
hahaha, awesome!!!!!!! Good job with the writing too, B!!
I’m pretty sure we can just show pics from Saturday night…I mean that was pretty much college, right?
p.s. I laughed out loud at the beer being the “wettest”
Dry? As Liza Minnelli’s vag!
Apparently B has led a more interesting life than you thought.
Congrats to UNC!
Your B has a special way with the simile, he does.
foolishly, i read this during class and had to quite literally bite my lip to keep myself from laughing every time i “saw” B turn around and slur “fuuuuuuuuck yoooooooou”. which was you know, during the rest of class. i must have looked strange. or like i was super turned on by my medicaid prof.
Dolce: Thank goodness mine grew up… and someone else had to deal with him back then. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
K @ Blog Goggles: Mine too! He is a GENIUS sometimes.
BWP: If you find out where to get that snake, please let me know.
…love Maegan: Anyone who can pull off stuffed snake is a keeper for sure.
PorkStar: He sends his thanks
Maxie: Oh, we totally could… and I just might.
Patty Duke: Oh, I knew. Why do you think I keep him around?
Steam Me Up: TRUTH. Keeps me on my toes, trust…
Vittoria: You should see him do it in person. HiLARious!
Okay, I am having flashbacks! One of the funniest stories that I like to tell about my hubs to just about everyone I meet is about why he cant handle hard alcohol. My babe can drink a keg of beer and still keep his cool. However if he drinks just a couple of shots of the hard stuff all hell breaks loose.
One night when we were much younger and still had somewhat separate lives he went out with his friends and I with mine for the evening. I came home to discover out phone broken in peices due to his fit of rage when hurling it at the wall. He was passed out and I woke him up to tell him to leave the couch and go to our bed instead. BIG mistake. I started to walk down the hall and then to my surprise I hear what sounds like running water or something… I turn around to find that my man has mistaken our REFRIDGERATOR for a toilet. What the hell! I of course asked him what the hell he thought he was doing and this was his reply “I am trying to clean this up!” all bitchy too like I was the one who just let loose all over the tortillas. Needless to say from then on out I made damn sure that he knew he better stick to beer or he was going to be the one cleaning out the fridge at 3 in the morning next time!
And he also awoke the next day not remembering a damn thing. I left his ass on the couch that night. He came in the next morning all confused and asked, “why is the food all over the counter and in the garbage? And do you know why I woke up butt ass naked on the couch?”
So I totally relate to CG.
LOVE IT!
unfortunately, i also have a “male peeing in my closet story.”
Mmm. Let’s all be the bestest
of friends!
Well if the pictures did’t make me miss college, the idea of some… what was the word… chucklefuck peeing all over my clothes makes me down right nostalgic.
Oh God, that was funny.
College was awesome.
Of course you have a boyfriend who is just as entertaining as you are! But then if you didn’t I would worry…
As your oldest reader (I’m sure!) I have to say that this is a true testament to why you have a fantastic relationship that will survive anything.
And I’m not talking about the peeing.
The fact that you can talk about your past relationships without a hint of insecurity is huge. It’s actually kind of rare.
There are so many things to fight about – taking old relationships out of the equation eliminates a lot of material…
I can really tell that you are best friends – which is also kind of rare. People like to say that they are best friends with their significant other…but I think at least 80% of them (a rough estimate mind you) are full of shit.
And this isn’t just the bottle of wine talking. Okay – may 50% (another rough estimate) – but I do think you’re just adorable.
You guys belong together, and I mean that as a compliment! Just be sure you burn the pics before you have kids.
Who hasn’t peed the bed and then switched places with the person you’re sharing with?
Oh, people don’t usually do that?
Fuck.
Shouldn’t you have your own reality show already?:P
That story is awesome. Thankfully, I have never peed the bed or puked anywhere in appropriate unless you count bushes and front yards, or outside in general oh and my hamper. (It was the first time I was drunk so it doesn’t count.)
And hey (!) he’s a cutey! Get it girl.
Kimberly: Oh my god… that is HILARIOUS! You definitely did the right thing leaving his nekkid ass on the couch!
JudgeyGirl: Well, tomorrow’s TMI Thursday…
Mary: Ha! Doesn’t it though? Those were the (tragic) days…
Jenni: I miss it so sometimes.
Kate CH: This comment means so much to me, love- especially coming from someone in such an amazing relationship as yours! I am so lucky to find my lover AND my best friend in the same person, and I know it.
emma: Ha- you have noooo idea…
JPP: This is why I love you.
insomniaclolita: I know, right?!
los_tartist: He is a cutey, even in those HORRENDOUS pics
Mr.4444 once peed on the floor next to the bed in the middle of the night. After I yelled at him to stop, he got back into bed. Of course, I forced him out of the bed to go clean up the pee. As he was wiping it up, he slurred, “Are you gonna rub my nose in it now?!” Too funny (and stupid). Glad those days are over…. (p.s. Came over by way of Gladys