All We Need is (Bloggy) Love

Since I’m traveling today, I figured I’d take a minute to shout out to some of the more awesome bloggy tidbits I’ve come across recently. (Apologies if you’ve written a masterpiece in the past couple days, as I’ve been frolicking on the beaches of Charleston, SC.)

(SUCKAS!!!)

But in general, I think it’s pretty rad to share, i.e. pay it forward and pass on the love when you come across a particularly delicious nugget of the blogosphere. I mean, that’s why we’re all here… to make connections and e-friends across the world, right? Or am I just a giant dork? Both?

Fair enough.

Anyhoosits, here are some tidbits from people that knocked my socks across the room. (On a related note: my feet are cold.)

I stumbled across TishTash over at My Telephone Booth about a month ago, and am I ever glad I did. Her “special” (read: evil) brand of humor warrants her a shotgun seat on the bus I’m driving to hell, and damn if I don’t love her for it. I tried to choose one post in particular to share, but quite honestly, they’re stellar across the board and any of them are good for a belly laugh. I will say that her theory on why the homeless should be eating better than any of us made me snarf my morning coffee and tinkle just a little bit in my office chair. I’d give you an excerpt, but I don’t want to ruin the excellently shocking element of her thesis… just go read it. Then come back and thank me.

Another newbie (to me) that I now can’t miss a single day of is Steam Me Up, Kid. I don’t know where she gets these random, disturbing, and absofucking HILARIOUS thoughts every day, but they always make mine that much more interesting. Her tangents bring me a plethora of glee and usually end with my mouth hanging open, which is, yanno, generally pretty hard to do. A toast to you, my dear Also-Not-Right-In-The-Head kindred spirit. *Clinky!*

A taste of my dear Steam Me Up:

“I desperately want to stay on the topic of perfectionism and hit publish because I haven’t posted anything since Tuesday, but I’m distracted by my dog at the foot of the bed who is licking her crotch again and it makes this Mnyuh Mnyuh smacking sound like someone frenching a tub of cream cheese and I’m so fucking disgusted by this I can’t even think. An inch or two south of where she’s cleaning, her anus is puckering into a kiss and then retracting, over and over, pressing out a drop of anal gland fluid which she’s about to potato-stamp onto my clean sheets. I point at the area in question and prompt, What’s this, Zooey? and she sniffs, but continues with the cream cheese smacking…” (Click here to go to the whole post.)

If you know me at all, you know I appreciate some cold hard bitchiness in the morning, best served with a healthy dash of sarcasm/snarkasm, if you ask me. Well, I got a fabulous dose of just that over at Kim’s Perfectly Cursed Life last week. (Excerpt from this post on her perfectly awful, no good day…)

“Tomorrow I’m going to wake up with a nasty attitude. I’m talking just pure bitch. Concentrated bitch. If you wanted to drink me, you’d have to buy me from your grocer’s freezer section, thaw me in a bucket of water and mix me with water. That’s how I’m going to roll.”

Yet another of my newish daily go-to’s is Vic from What Were You Thinking? I don’t know where the hell she finds the time, what with the whole “family” thing she’s got going on, but somehow her blissfully enchanting rants make it onto the interwebs for my entertainment purposes every damn day. Maybe it’s because she’s as cute-dorky (we hope) and endearingly klutzy (we hope) as I am, but I just freaking adore her. So go show her some love, now. It will be easy once you click over and realize that you’ve fallen for her, too.

And finally, if you don’t read The Bloggess, aka my favorite blogger of all time, the only deity I believe in, and the funniest woman in the world (it’s science), well, that’s on you. But I have to bring your attention to the fact that she has recently quit her IRL job and is now (finally) getting paid to write…

An advice column.

Yes, that’s right, Jenny the Bloggess is in charge of telling people what they should do about the problems in their life.

AWESOME. See? …

Dear Bloggess, My mother died when I was 2 years old, and 23 years later I’m really tired of getting the “I’m so sorry,” and “Oh you poor thing” from people when they find out. I once said, “Why are you sorry? Were you the one that killed her?” but their reaction wasn’t nearly as funny as I hoped it would be. What else can I say to get people to stop pitying me because I lack a parent? ~ Untypically Jia

Hmm. Is it possible the person who reacted weird really *did* kill your mother? Try it again on someone who is too young to have killed your mom and see what happens. If they don’t laugh either it’s probably your timing. Honestly, the best way to have people stop pitying you for not having a parent is to lie about it. Like, say she’s a famous rapper who used to be a woman but she had a sex change and now you can’t be seen with her because it could ruin her career. And then order some “Gin and Juice” and just raise your eyebrow and everyone will be all “Your mom was TUPAC?! I’m so sorry!” and then you have to get all new friends because anyone who doesn’t get the Snoop Dog reference is not worth having as a friend.

Also, I’m very sorry that your mom was murdered.

Check the rest of her perfectly sound and not at all questionable advice out here.

I’ll be back (fully) in action tomorrow… miss you, lovebugs!