I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but I’m a little bit of a dork.
No no, really! I know it seems farfetched, and I come across as super suave and insurmountably cool ALL THE TIME, but I’m actually not!
My name is LiLu, and I am a dork.
Hi, LiLu!
I’m a lovable dork… but a dork nonetheless. And I? Am totally okay with that.
I haven’t always been this way. There was a time when I was the most popular girl in school. So what if it was fourth grade? I OWNED that elementary school. I could do no wrong. I had the hand-holding privileges to any ten year old boy that I wanted, the girls wore what I wore and said what I said, and the teachers were wrapped around my adorable little finger. Life was good.
Then suddenly, it was the first day of fifth grade… in MIDDLE SCHOOL. Suddenly, my banana pants didn’t seem so cool. That orange and purple vest I sewed myself with my gramma wasn’t doing me any favors. I quickly tried to conform to the requisite BUM Equipment oversized t-shirts with my hot pink stirrup pants tucked into my tube socks, but the damage was done. I was relegated to the “middle of the pack”, the nobodies, the (perhaps blessedly) invisibles.
My hair was curly and unmanageable, and the rubber bands on my braces gave me a slight lisp. Between my bony knees and elbows, I had more corners going on than an octagon. Still, I did all right. I had a good core group of friends, but unfortunately, tween depression took ahold of me, as it does so many young girls waiting for puberty to hit… and I began to push them away. “But are you SURE you want to be my friend?” I’d ask. “You’re only my friend because you feel bad for me. You don’t have to be, I’ll be okay,” I’d say, over and over, until finally my friends who HAD been real couldn’t handle me anymore. I’d lock myself in closets, I’d go missing just to see if anyone would notice. It was pathetic.
I had a complex of the worst order; I could not, for the life of me, figure out what made me special. All of my friends were funny, or smart, or witty, or had a trampoline. They had passions and identifying characteristics, whereas I was nothing. I wasn’t funny. I was smart, but I wasn’t a genius. I wanted, above all else, to be INTERESTING. To be someone people wanted to be around. To be adored.
In high school, I finally got my head (somewhat) out of my ass. I became “edgy” and peripheral. The kids I hung out with were older and sketchy, albeit harmless. Life was a rollercoaster, but I thrived on the drama, as 18 year old girls are wont to do.
After a bust freshman year of college, I was starving for change. I picked up and transferred to North Carolina… and was COMPLETELY lost again. Through years of restaurant jobs, I discovered the worst and most fascinating parts of myself. I cultivated the dark and twisted corners of my personality. A damn Yankee in the dirty South, I thrived on pushing people’s buttons, and ‘crossing the line’. Working in bars, I found a group of comrades who taught me about worlds where said ‘lines’ didn’t exist; where sarcasm literally couldn’t go too far. The name of the game was to Try and Shock Each Other, and it didn’t happen very often.
I now know why I was so afraid to leave bartending, to leave restaurants all together. Sure, the money was nice, but it wasn’t the reason I stayed for so long, pulling 60 hour weeks just to keep a foot in Bartending World.
It was because of the complete and utter acceptance one finds behind the scenes in a restaurant. Because there, you can say ANYTHING, and your coworkers not only won’t judge you, they’ll most likely agree with you… hell, they’ll one-up you. It is a land where no joke is too fucked, where stereotypes are truth, where the sick and twisted are revered.
Restaurants cultivated the Me that I love. The Me who isn’t embarrassed or ashamed of anything I do or say. The Me who believes that I am worth something, that I am funny, that I am sexy, that I am interesting. This Me was completely accepted by the network of people around me, and THAT is what I was so afraid of losing.
But you know what? I haven’t missed it. Not for one second. And I finally figured out why.
Because THIS world, the blogosphere, has offered me that same feeling, that same attitude and camaraderie that I was so sure I would miss. In our corners of the interwebs, I have found a network of people who are just as deliciously twisted as I am; who let me be my dorky and ridiculous self… and love it.
And to steal a phrase from Colin Firth a la Bridget Jones, I love you too…
Just as you are.
{ 84 comments }
What do we do now?
Make out or something?
Colin Firth. Nom.
If I had to use one word to describe you, it would be *special*. You can take that any way you want!
I kid. You’re spectacular – but you already know that – thank Christ.
this was quite refreshing
I worked in restaurants from the age of 14-26 off and on and I loved every frigging minute of it. I’ve been thinking heavily lately to quite my job and go back to school for a totally different degree. I could do it while working in restaurants.
Know what else I liked about working in restaurants? The partying. Do you really think I worked at Hooters for the tips?
I’ve never worked in a restaurant although I always thought it would be a fun job. I have a few friends who worked in them all throughout college and their feelings are very similar to yours.
I agree, the blogosphere is a wonderful place.
i am you and you are me. i love us both.
I’ve never worked in the restaurant industry in any capacity (and I’m kind of sad about that). But I know exactly what you mean about the feeling you get from the blogosphere. I wouldn’t trade it.
I take this silly thing really seriously, too. It matters big time.
In other news, is there gonna be green beer tonight?
moooooog35: Duh.
frecks: How about especially spactacular? HEYO
caterpillar85: Thanks, and welcome!
JoLee: You still have those orange shorts, don’t you??
Miss Musing: It truly is a different world. It was a precious experience, though I can’t say I’m sad those years are behind me.
Claire: Me too!
Liebchen: Exactly. It really is something special.
f.B: If I have to buy food coloring.
I have to be all professional here at work…
thats why I let loose when I comment and blog.
lets me be myself for part of the day.
I had rubber bands on my braces too. Man I forgot all about those days.
It is ok to be a dork, I too am one and very proud. We could start a club.
Blogosphere gives me the same feelings, and it’s really beautiful. I don’t try to be someone else, I’m just being me.
Pretty sure you just described my childhood. Including the BUM Equipment and stirrup pants, when the question was always in the shoes or over the shoes.
I still question why people want to be my friend though. Maybe if I buy a trampoline…
Lilu you may be decades younger than I am but I thin that’s why I totally “get” you.
My question are you still snarky with co-workers?
I totally dig your self confidence!
Cute post – and quoting Bridget Jones – awesome.
I wouldn’t say I “love” the blogosphere. Maybe just “like.”
I’m so glad that you haven’t figured out that you’re way cooler than I am. Cause you would totally dump my ass. I know it.
I completely agree! I wasn’t popular at all in high school, and in fact, was sort of an outcast. Blogging has given me the social connections I was always so desperately seeking.
I laughed about the trampoline. The cool kids definitely had pools or trampolines. I had a mother who spoke Polish to the family dog. Not so cool.
You’re so totally right about it all… I feel like you were describing me all through school. I never thought I’d love the blogging world the way I do, but it’s like we’re all popular here and open minded, lol. No one judges, we all just live and have fun. Like hippies, huh?
Oh, and I was totally the girl with the trampoline.
I love the blogosphere because I can participate with out wearing any pants…and all that accepting stuff too.
What’s interesting about the blogsphere is that people get to know you through your writing or pictures or videos. But mainly through writing.
And don’t worry, I too am a dork. There are many of us around. In fact, I think we may take over the world one day…
I know it’s getting old, but I have to say it – you are just too damn cute! Rock on with your dorky self. Clearly people love it (this kid does)!
Matt: It’s so true. It’s a way of rebelling against all this goddamn PC-ness.
LBluca77: I’m pretty sure we’re already in it… and it’s called the blogosphere. Huzzah!
insomniaclolita: You are, and I LOVE you for it!
Just A Girl: I’m sure if I dug hard, there is still a BUM shirt buried in my childhood closet somewhere…
Gladys: DUH. Gotta keep it interesting somehow…
Zipcode: Thanks, babe. It takes a long time to get here, but I’m lovin it.
surviving myself: Fear of commitment, huh?
Fearless: Oh, whatever. You have seen me at my DORKIEST. There is no way I’m cooler than you.
Kristina P: It’s a great thing, isn’t it?
Mb: Now I kinda want to meet your mother. But she better be wearing that Snuggie…
SL Ginger: Exactly! There’s no cliques or hate… just spreading the love all round. It’s nice. Now let me on that trampoline…
ifihadtopickfive: But really it’s the no pants thing, right?? Me too!
Marie: I think we already are…
PLT: YOU are! No YOU are! Thanks love… I adore you too.
I totally understand. I grew up in the restaurant industry then went into the ER. This is the promise land of the truly sarcastic and twisted. Lines, hell the more creative you are, the more respected. I miss it as well. I guess we sick fucks still need an outlet… OOOH I feel a good TMI Thursday coming on.
Dorky and awkward and awesome.
I am also dorky and ridiculous, so its nice to be in good company!;)
I think we all go through those moments in our lives that really makes us question who we ae. However, not everyone comes out on the other side able to love themselves, it’s something to be proud of.
Hmmm … it sounds like working in a restaurant and working at a newspaper are very similar occupations, indeed.
Oh, and FYI, I do love you just as you are.
That’s why I love the blogosphere. I can be whoever I want. And it’s closer to the real me than I have been in a long, long time.
From Momma Dork to Baby Dork
“May the Dork be with you, now and for feckin ALWAYS”
XXXXXXXX F
I only think you’re cool because you have a snuggie.
justjp: We sick fucks DEFINITELY need an outlet. Bring on the TMI… it’s always welcome here.
Sarah: Thanks, love
Hannah: GREAT company.
Jo: I agree, 100%. It’s hard to watch people, even friends, who still struggle with it. I just want to shake them and say “OWN WHO YOU ARE! It is fantastic!”
Kate: Likewise, my darling. For sure.
Kate: I know EXACTLY what you mean. It’s like a breath of fresh internet-y air, isn’t it?
fiona: The Dork is strong in me, trust, mama bear. XO
Um, those banana pants are AWESOME. And this post now has me wanting to spend my lunch hour reading through your entire blog. Now, that’s what I can special.
(Yeahhhh, I meant that’s what I CALL special. Doh.)
BRILLIANT! I love it. And it’s so true — the blogosphere is a place of release, of comfort in knowing that you can always find someone as weird or silly as you. And apparently you can find LOTS of people to convert to the ways of TMI Thursdays, and THAT is something I will always be indebted to you for.
I’ve mutated into a dork over time too. I can’t say that this pleases me.
And I know EXACTLY what you mean about the restaurant world.
I would like to have some of the time and energy back that I put into trying to fit in when I was young. Such a waste.
I also finally realized that I’m ok with who I am….pretty dorky also…and very, very clumsy. I walk into doors/walls/invisible things all day. But that’s ok.
I feel the same way, but couldn’t have said it as well. Amen, sister!
I had a trampoline. Trust me, it only goes so far. The trampoline is always greener…
I feel like we had very similiar childhood experiences. Only my time to shine was the fifth grade. Except I was rocking the ESPRIT gear. I never worked in the restaurant industry but I have always worked in the car biz and that is about 90% men. Believe me I was very open to all the over the top stuff that they said and did. I think thats what helped shape some of my coolness because I am always very accepting of bad behavior. Blogging is a somewhat new experience for me and I am loving the connections I am making – it definitely makes the day go by faster- I swear I’m not neglecting the kids with my crack like blogging addiction, I swear.
You’re a dork?
I’m way too trendy for you.
Got to go.
My rubik’s cube awaits.
You pretty much describe the feelings I get as I start tapping into this community I’ve decided to check out.
Happy Saint Pat’s day, hun. Dorks are the new popular crowd.
hannahjustbreathe: I knew what you meant
And don’t read too far back… the beginning is a little embarrassing!
Tabitha: TMI Thursdays is a thing of joyous glory, no?
blueviolet: Embrace your dorkiness! There is no other way…
SkylersDad: I so hear you on that. Dare to be different (dorky)!
Briana: Oh, I’m such a klutz. I always have unidentified bruises… and they’re only alcohol-related half the time.
Steam Me Up: Thanks, love. I wouldn’t have minded the lack of trampoline, if only we had a pool…
Kimberly: ESPRIT! I remember ESPRIT. Those were the days… and yes, working around men definitely opens you up to a whole new (digusting yet fascinating) world.
rs27: You organize the pens on your desk, don’t you?
Dmbosstone: Glad you did
Racquel Valencia: It’s cool to be not cool? YESSSSS Happy St. P day!
Brilliant post, truly.
A lot of life is trying to figure out how we fit with the world’s Bigger Picture, but a lot of the joy is on discovering that we’re better because we never really will.
And I still kind of want a trampoline.
Awww. Precious.
I think you got all of it right here. People online are judged for what they have to say, not what they look like or what they’re wearing. That’s why I’m here (although I’m damn good looking too).
I’m all about the dorkiness. I’ve just figured out that it’s a lot more attractive to revel in the geek-fest then to deny it. So I get paid to be a grammar/punctuation nerd, in a place where no one thinks it’s weird that I have a semicolon tattoo and really agonize over fonts when I write an email. High five! Cause dorks still do that kind of thing.
Also I must have missed the trampoline memo. I had one, but I still wasn’t popular. Maybe that’s because I was a complete klutz too. They don’t mix well
Love you too!
you’re fucking fabulous.
and, did you have a hypercolor tee-shirt? just wondering. i had three.
Oh, that Mark Darcy
But did you have to bring up the stretch pants w/ stirrups? Really? I’d come so close to forgetting that awful fashion phase.
Let’s get drunk and make out. Via Twitter.
Embrace your inner dork! I find people who don’t have at least a wee bit of a wicked side lead dull, uninspired lives. Please continue kicking ass. Oh, and I’m soooo envious you bought that blue Hawaiian dress, but so happy too! It was too small for me or I would have bought it.
magda: Thanks, love. You’re so right… and SO DO I. Or a jacuzzi. Can’t I have just one??
Stephanie: I try
Kate CH: Exactly. Even a pretty face won’t get much attention on here, unless you can back it up with something to say.
Rachel: I LOVE that you have a semicolon tattoo! And one time on “that friend’s” trampoline, I did a somersault and landed on my next… couldn’t move for about 90 seconds. Hooray for klutzes!
Miss Scorpio: SMOOOOOCH!
brookem: Um, DUH. xoxo
A Super Girl: Mmmmm… Mark Darcy…
Oxen Cox: Like, more than usual, you mean?
Cottage Cheese: I tried to, but there was a stain on it! Boooo. She said she’d give me a discount on something else though- what a sweetie.
Life’s funny when you have a “different” sense of humour or don’t think like the pack. We all have to find out where we fit, but when we do it’s just awesome. Me as a teen? Liked “weird” indie music and had spiky pink hair, which alienates people right off the bat even though I’m the most approachable person you’ll meet. I grew up and still have the same attitude I had then but my hair’s less like an out of control firework nowadays.
“All of my friends were funny, or smart, or witty, or had a trampoline.” Best line ever!
Inever had that experience with work, I worked fast food, with a buncha lazy freaking kids. The first few years were good…but kids got lazier, or I moved to the ghetto.
It’s nice to feel accepted like that though!
I too moved down south (south carolina) for college and was out of my element. I hated the sorority scene and went to the bars for work and a social life… I gained more out of working in bars and learned so much about myself because you get to be around so many different people. I loved the bartending world so much in college, money was awesome, people were incredible and being around that FUN round the clock was gold. I too however do not miss it at all… it was a time in my life I treasure but I left there with confidence and the courage to not care what everyone thought of me. I was awesome even if it was just me who thought so. Bars and restaurants are fantastic places to work when young and trying to figure out your place. Everyone’s accepted. rant done.
EXACTLY!!! (And I love Colin Firth just as he is. Although I’d probably love him more naked.)
very nice and deep post.. : )
I loved reading this post, it was so fresh and honest. I was a bartender too, I got out mainly because the scene was so the same every night, who was hotter, who was crazier, blah blah. Gets dull fast.
xoxo
Loved it times a billion, and love your corner of the blogosphere for sure! You sound like a great person to know LiLu!
i totally had a trampoline. but i still would have been your friend for realz. this circle of the interwebs is more fun than i ever would have imagined – and i’m glad to share it with you!
Wow!
Someone felt the same way I did in middle and high school. I also blossomed in college. But instead of working in restaurants, I became a theater major in college. Once I entered that world I know I had found me.
Most of the students were older than me and had life experiences that I have yet to have. And of course the parties were out of this world. Like you I gained I real sense of who I am.
I learned to embrace the spiritual side of me. I am now comfortable with letting destiny guide me. It hasn’t steered me wrong yet. My spirituality helped me get through loosing my mother. I didn’t ask why. I was just thankful for the forty some years I that had her as my mother. I will always miss her, but it was her time.
I didn’t get a degree in Theater Arts. After a few years I changed my major to something that would guarantee me being able to eat and put a roof over my head. But I have to say it was one of the best times of my life.
I have been back and forth, back and forth about what is “me” in the blog world. I am still trying to figure that out. Reading posts like these and meeting people who are THEM… makes me feel like I’m not alone. Someday I’ll find my voice. Until then I’ll keep pluckin away.
Totally. Everything you said about resturants and the blogosphere is truth. I came from where you did…we’re cut from the same red and white striped cloth of those ridiculous uniforms…goofy buttons and all. Loves it.
Veggie Assassin: And now you’re a hipster without even knowing it! You should wear a sign that says “FIRST” or something
Fizzgig: It sure is, darlin.
Carrie: YES! You totally get it. I’ll never be able to repay the restaurant world for what it gave me… but I sure try to make a server’s night every time I go out.
Lisa: AGREED. I mean, what B?
PorkStar: Thanks, love.
Margarita: Fresh and honest is how we do round here, love. This is ME. xoxo
Jaxie: You too, love. Your corner rocks!
cavy: Oh, me too babe. So glad we found each other!
Patty Duke: We’re so alike! I did theatre allllll through growing up, and I LOVED that, too. We’ll always have those memories
wearingmascara: Pluckin’ away is the journey, and that’s why it’s so much fun to read, love. We’ll pluck some more tonight!
margelina: How many pieces of flare did you have?? KIDDING. But isn’t it reallly annoying everytime someoen asks you that?
oh how i CRAVED being different or unique when i was young!! the only ways i could see myself standing out were all negative ones – the skinniest (uh, not in an attractive way), the worst hair, the flattest-chested… it makes me want to go hug my poor bony little 8th grade self and reassure her that honestly, the boobs WOULD come one day. just, uh, 10 years from then.
I love it, love it, love it! I used to pull the most absurd stunts for attention in middle school and junior high. I gave up in high school, and ignored everyone. I, too, abso-fucking-lutely had the time of my life bartending in college! I wish I had the time to do it again…
LiLu we need to go out and get rowdy!
I think we love you, because you love yourself… not in a narcissistic way… but because you accept you. YOU think you are interesting and worthy of love, and you think life around you is interesting. You show us this and we cannot help but see the truth, be interested, and love you too.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Now, I understand why I love you so much…cause we are both dorks! Duh! hellloooo!
after years of feeling very middle-of-the-pack myself, wondering why my friends were so amazing but still wanted to hang out with me, i realized: if these people are my friends, i’m pretty amazing myself. i think i was 21.
i can say anything at my job now. it’s great. but sometimes? i don’t want to hear EVERYTHING everyone else says.
~b
I love you too, man…
it takes different experience to make you what you are..and you seem like your just fine
Dorky on the internet? Best of luck with that. Everyone knows the internet is only for super cool varsity jocks.
By God I think you just hit the nail on he head. I pride myself on being an anomaly, but in this world I am not. You are a genius. Oh, and I love you too.
From one dork to another…you’re awesome!
I have some major catching up to do over here, don’t I? 
I may have been absent, but I still love you! 
Yup. I like blogging for similar reasons. I think everyone has someting “dorky” about them. Great post!
hey there! thanks for droppin by my blog xoxo
I’m the total opposite, the blog makes me sound normal when in fact I am straight out of left field!
I am the king of putting my foot in my mouth, and sarcasm is my best friend.
but the way I see it, if we all aren’t a little bit twisted this would be a real boring life!
So I say let the crazy out, have a great time… screw the normal people!
Let's do it, right here, right now.
I completely relate to this – I went from tragically inappropriate to tragically bitchy to tragically artsy… And half the reason I live in L.A. is because you can get away with saying more & being more of yourself.
And for me, that happens to be a little inappropriate for some people. ( Surprise!)
But good on ya' for figuring out how to make that a regular thing in your life.
::mwah::
Alice: Oh, I know. I would KILL to be able to go back and shake some sense into myself!
Desiree Aubigny: Why YES. Yes we do! Missed you last night but you better be there next time…
Connie: This comment means so much to me, honestly. I am putting it in my pocket and saving it forever. Thanks, love.
Violet: Dorks, yes… the GOOD kind!
beatrix: That's such a good way of looking at it, and exactly how I feel now. All the AMAZING people in my life (real and interwebby) wouldn't be around if I wasn't kinda cool… right?
Jenni: <3
Caroline: Aw, thanks love. Preesh!
pistols: *snarf* I might still have my letterman's jacket somewhere…
Spellbound: YOU are a genius! Love love love.
Stacy (TRCC): I've missed you! Love you too, babe.
Katie: Everyone does indeed… some of us just slightly more than others…
FuN and MakeUp: Of course!
Woolly: Open Mouth Insert Foot is one of my favorite mottos… and normal people are boring!
Muppet Soul: See, it's perfect… LA lets you be artsy, and DC lets me be a dork!
OMG, lol…YES! And it was ALWAYS the yuppy middle-aged men in dockers trying to be “cool” in front of their kids…Ugh!
Was it the trapper keeper in fourth grade that kept you cool? It worked for me. Still does.