Last week, I grabbed dinner with one of my many cohorts in crime. About halfway through, she stopped, looked at me, and said, “How do you KNOW all this?” in reference to the delicious dish & gossip session we’d been having. (Don’t worry, only Things That Were Allowed. Mama’s vault is tight.)
I don’t know exactly what it is that compels people to tell me such personal things… possibly the bartender persona I cultivated over the past few years. Possibly the Psych degree. Possibly because I’m no bullshit; what you see is what you get, and I make it abundantly clear that that’s the case.
But what do I really think the key component is; the thing that makes others want to share their deepest secrets with me?
It is, I believe, my complete and total willingness to share all of my own. (And B’s, apparently. Well, he shouldn’t get drunk and do impressions of the Dog Whisperer, then! Totally not my fault.)
If you know me, you know that I don’t really have secrets. Sure, we all have a few things that we keep in the closet, but mine are really for the comfort level of others around me (yes, if you can believe it, I actually DO have a little bit of a filter). (Unless I’ve been drinking. Then, be prepared for anything to come out of my mouth.)
Which is why, dear friends, I feel as though I must share this secret shame with you. You’ve been so kind and open, sharing all of your TMIs and confessions with me, in your posts, in the comments, in your emails… I think you’ve earned a confession in return.
So here it is, e-buds… my newest secret shame.
This picture? Was taken two days ago.
Now, hold on. Before you judge, let me sweeten the pot for you a bit, so you can REALLY enjoy it. This here is the abandoned crackhouse next door to us that is finally being renovated:
Maybe, oh, I don’t know… 20 feet away from our back porch. And I swear, we really did mean to do it! You know, at some point… it just didn’t happen. In three. Goddamn. MONTHS.
But we are proud, and damned if we’re going to put a Christmas tree out with the regular trash NOW. The shame!
…
We’ll just walk it two blocks under the cover of darkness to another dumpster.
Anyone have a guy who does cat eyes?
{ 94 comments }
Well, I have to judge you, since it’s one of my New Year’s Resolutions, but I am only judging you mildly.
Why not just save it for next year? maybe put it in some water or something.
Its called recycling. Supposively its good to do that every now and again.
I am the packrat to end all packrats so no judgment here. Of course I hoard half bottles of lotion, not Xmas trees, but whatevski.
I’m the same way…Because I’m so open, people are compelled to tell me things that make me want to crawl under a bed and die.
You though? You just have that innocent lil face. No really…that’s why I tell you things. Uhhuh. I’m sticking to that.
As far as the Christmas tree…I have no room to judge. The reason I didn’t put up any decorations this past year was because I KNEW I’d be too lazy to take them down…
And LOVE the Sunny reference
Starting the day with an Always Sunny reference? I owe you.
And I want to shame you. I do. But we once had a Christmas tree until July. In the living room. So I can’t judge.
I’d be claiming it as a Green (bowel)Movement enterprise. Fertilizing the wooden porches of tomorrow, today!
always sunny and christmas are two of my favorite things in life. there is nothing more to say than “great combo.”
Why dont you just dress it up on the porch, put some lights on it and sprinkle with fairy dust?? It’d look beautiful and it would welcome the builders to the ex-crackhouse!
Or…you could just put it on the driveway of the ex-crackhouse, hopefully they would think it’d just been there the whole time and take it away!!
No judgement from here – I discovered my dad trying to sneak their (7 foot) xmas tree out through the house on Friday! Apparently he’d “hid” it in the garden from my mum because he couldn’t be bothered to get rid of it! Terrible example to be setting! xx
Don’t feel bad about the Christmas tree, I didn’t get rid of mine until the week after my birthday. In February. And unlike you, had no even halfway decent excuse.
And I am very much like you when it comes to my secrets (mostly) being for the comfort level of others. And like you, alcohol pretty much negates that.
Don’t worry my neighbor still has theirs on their back porch…all brown and practically needleless. (is that even a word!?!)
It’s ok, it’s still freakin freezing cold outside (except yesterday) so it still counts as winter and we all know xmas trees come out in the winter time.
I apologize that my comment makes absolutely no sense. It’s monday.
I have no words..
We’re lucky enough to live next to a vacant wooded lot where we toss our old dead Christmas trees and yard scraps. Once I had my tree up and still decorated until the third week of January.
I miss Sunny. Mac is my favorite (although his hair is greasy and slicked back like that in real life too – huh?)
ever the more reason i heart you.
i only just put away the snowman two weeks ago. im slow at this stuff.
That tree still looks pretty darn good. It has all its needles even! Hey…maybe now you can just ignore it for a little while longer and you can use it again in December!
It’s amazing how, even when everyone comes to you for gossip, they still will share with you. Knowing you’re totally the gossip queen. Or maybe that’s just another way that grad school is just like middle school.
Interesting. I’m not surprised. But in a good way!
That’s not that big of a secret =P
I like Jen the Secret Keeper’s idea,but would go one step further and keep it on the porch and decorate for every holiday. Eventually, it’ll catch on fire (assuming you have lights) and be a light show for the entire neighbor —maybe a welcome to the neighborhood for the new tenants.
I had a 3 foot, fake Christmas tree up from October 2006 until February 2009.
We used to keep our Christmas trees for a while, just outside, propped up against another tree. Then my brother and his friend were playing with fireworks, and lit the stupid thing on fire…about 10 feet from our house.
We don’t keep them anymore.
I hate it when that happens! I still have the boxes from christmas sitting next to the fireplace. I kept thinking if I ran out of wood I could use those…at least that’s my excuse.
That’s hysterical. And completely something I’d do! I love it!
I knew there was a reason why I’ve never been on your back porch. But I’m a little afraid of crackheads, so I still won’t go out there.
haha!
a) i also have no boundaries. pretty much anyone who’s ever met me also knows all my secrets.
b) i had the tinsel garlands from xmas up on my mantle until about a month ago, when i realized i had GUESTS coming over, so i ripped it down and threw it into my front hall closet. where it still is.
Kristina P: That’s fair. More than, actually.
Matt: It doesn’t even look that bad, does it? We’re goin GREEN!
Lemmonex: Oh, the number of products in our place is ridiculous… AND I threw about 90% of them away when we moved in together. What ya gonna do?
PQ: It’s never too early for a little Sunny. PS: Innocent face MY ASS.
f.B: Was it REAL? I think that makes it about 10 times worse.
Jen: HA! You are all geared up for Thursday already!
cavy: And this is why I love you.
Jen – TSK: Sounds like I might be your dad’s mailman baby. Wait… that’s not right…
theoddduckling: I have a feeling we’re pretty damn similar. Must be the Carolina/smartass combo…
Lil’ Woman: At least mine’s still green! And needle-y! Though I don’t know how…
Marie: No, you’re right. Eff you, Spring! I’m not throwing it out til you come!
Deutlich: That’s a first. *wink*
Cottage Cheese: You know Mack’s married to Sweet Dee IRL, right? I KNOW!!!
brookem: Twinsies! At least the Snowman wasn’t alive…
nothingfancy: Don’t think I won’t!
Dr. H: I KNOW. I can keep a secret, though. But if it’s free game? Well, then it’s free game!
Jaime: That’s fair. Neither am I.
JudgeyGirl: New name! Mama like.
LMB: As long as I get s’mores!
freckledk: And this is why we’re friends.
Liebchen: Maybe I should just have everyone over for a bonfire…
Gladys: That’s a damn good excuse, Miss Justification!
Jules: I am not alone!
Fearless: Wuss.
Alice: I love tinsel! What’s wrong with a little Xmas cheer in March, after all?
No judgment from me. I might have an old furniture box or two that I still need to toss out. I might also have a beyond repairable vacuum cleaner that also needs to go because I haven’t figured out the exact protocol for disposing of a vacuum cleaner. I’m starting to think it’s throw it in a trash can/dumpster somewhere.
Those cat eyes are badass. You and cottage cheese (and Sweet Dee) can have Mac. I want Charlie. Even though he’s really married to that waitress. That bitch. That funny, funny, lucky as hell bitch.
I am a woman of many secrets. I haven’t had a Christmas tree in years, though, so this isn’t one of them.
One time, when I lived alone, I found myself TAKING DOWN my Christmas tree right around Valentine’s Day. Yes, it was still in my living room, with the decorations. Don’t feel bad
Now that is funny! When I first saw the picture I thought you were saying that you JUST threw it out of your house this weekend. THAT would be scary!
Haha, I am the complete opposite with Christmas trees. I cannot wait to throw those dirty things out!
Although, I do know another blogger acquaintance of mine who just threw hers out like 2 wks ago so you’re not alone!
*Thanks for the well wishes, it was TOUGH but luckily I’m almost there….33 days I think???
Well, considering you can’t make it to the store to buy TP, I can’t say I’m exactly surprised that your Christmas tree is on your back porch. My husband and I are so lazy that a fake tree is about all we can muster.
we could totally make a bonfire!
They’re renovating the crack house? Is nothing sacred anymore? Don’t worry – there’s plenty around my hood, if you even miss it.
I moved into my apartment 6 months ago and I still have clothes in the trunk of my car. Actually came in handy when I needed a hoodie the other day. I would never even dare to have a Christmas tree – it would be up until I moved out, for sure.
Paint it white! or in colors, several of them, or in one… and use it as ornament. A friend of mine, a lot more artistic than me did that and it looks great in his house…
If it makes you feel any better, my christmas tree is also festering in the backyard. Though in my case, it hasn’t been there since December. I only threw it back there at the end of January.
I’m of the philosophy that you should get at least a month and a half of enjoyment out of that bad boy… either that or really lazy…
Once, I left my tree up until Feb and make it a Valentine’s Day tree. Then, since it had been up that long, I just went ahead and left it until March and made it an Easter Tree with little plastic eggs on it.
No lie. I finally took that shit down in April and put it in the yard of the people I used to fight with all the time.
Who am I to judge. We’ve lived here three years and I still haven’t finished unpacking.
Hooney! Where did we pack the soap?
I do believe that our new found blog friendship will survive, but only if I get to mock you endlessly about the tree.
Lol, oh the shame! I so love Sunny.
Gossip session?
do women really plan these things out? Like naked pillowfights?
you make me feel better about going to the gas station barefoot.
Keep it.
At Halloween, wrap it in a “snuggie” stick a pumpkin on top and you and B take it out trick or treating. After you’ve got all the Candy you want place it gently in a dumpster… remember to take the snuggie back though!
I remember the days of real tree disposal, hubs insisted on fake after the dog and the kids tried to eat the pine needles. We would leave our tree up for months and then when we finally had enough hubby would put it in the car, head to work super early, and throw it in their dumpster. Very stealthy.
As far as TMI goes I apparently have a face that men love sharing their sexual escapades and bodily functions with. I work predominately with men at the car dealership, and they will tell me EVERYTHING. Just Saturday the General Manager called to tell me that he had to take a shit so if he wasnt back in ten minutes when his appt was arriving to let them wait. I had to take this info in with a straight face while helping another customer. Then I started laughing my ass off cause I have never in my life had a boss or person of authority report their poop time to me. Way too much TMI!
You aren’t so bad! Steve and I took ours down after Valentines Day!
there is no shame in that, at least its outside, right?
I still have up my mini xmas tree. That i was going to decorate for valentines, then st patricks, and neither happened.
Who said trees are just for xmas anyway? some birds may be using that for a nest!
I <3 abandoned crackhouses.
Just hack off the branches and “casually” toss them over towards the crack house every couple of days. Eventually the whole thing will be gone.
Or just have a REALLY big bonfire sometime….
i say have a bon fire. it’ll smell like christmas all over again. or, christmas on fire anyway.
just make sure there aren’t any little animal squatters that have made their home in the thing, since it’s been vacant for so long.
Bonfire! Reminds me of serious buffoonery when I was a kid in my first group house. We tried to burn the whole thing in the fireplace one branch at a time. There’s a lot of oil in them evergreen boughs… we scorched the mantlepiece and almost took down the house. Just say no to indoor bonfires…
JFo: We’re two peas, my friend.
BeckEyes: Cottage Cheese can have Mack, and I’ll take Dennis. He’s a STALLION!!! If only his bird hadn’t quit…
Racquel Valencia: Oooo… mysterious…
Briana: That does make me feel better. Though if I’d ever lived alone I’m SURE I would have done it.
Christy: Not quite. It was in February, though, I think (in the interest of full disclosure).
Kristin: You rock, chica. Seriously, you’re an inspiration
Kate: True… the TP should have been a sign, I guess. Oh well!
Maxie: Yeah. You + me + fire = A HELLUVA TIME. Or, none of our friends have eyebrows anymore!
surviving myself: You’re so sweet! Can you just mail some? Extra herpes, please.
Just A Girl: When I had a car, it was always full to the brim… trust.
Titania: That is a fantastic idea. That I will file away and never, ever use… but now I have an excuse to leave the tree out for a couple more months.
Jamie: Oh, I don’t think we took it out til February. Better believe I’m getting my $50 worth!
JoLee: Hmmm… if only I hated my neighbors…
Patty Duke: What’s soap?
repliderium: Deal. Believe me, I’ve done worse.
justjp: I watched so much this weekend… and it was GLORIOUS.
rs27: I can’t believe you let the Cat Eyes thing go.
Hannah: I’m here to serve, Brit Brit.
fiona: That is GENIUS! I can keep it up year round!
Kimberly: See, I think people tell me that stuff because I LOVE IT. And, I can always one-up them…
Lexiloo: Yes! We are not alone!
Fizzgig: I think a mini tree is the way for us to go next year… at least it’s not as imposing when you’re lazy…
WickedCourtni: Who doesn’t?
vazenchick: Like when Carolina wins IT ALL!!! That’s how we do in Chapel Thrill!
lucklys: Christmas on Fire… that sounds like a great album name. DIBS. And um, there’s totally a rat living in it. He’s cute though. In a fat ratty sort of way.
Jamie: Outdoor? We can do outdoor. I just want the marshmallows.
Oh! The Night Man should have come to help you!
I won’t judge b/c 1. our neighbors have their tree out on their curb still too and 2. since the snow has melted I noticed that I still have our pumpkin from Halloween on the side of our porch. Although by now it is flat and smushy and gross. I think I’ll have to take a picture of it…
OMG that guy is mortifying!!
ps. LOL at the christmas three, but come on it adds some character
I’ve got some pretty great cat eye skills. Or so I’ve been told.
I’m happy to help, use my talent. All for you.
When the eff does season 5 start? I’m starting to break out in hives from lack of Philly sun.
ooo watch out for that tree! (in a non george of the jungle way) my mom always freaks me out saying the christmas tree can catch on fire at any time.. but i’m sure she meant that if you like.. hung candle ornaments on the tree and lit them or something..
I don’t throw away much. In the last job that I had a real office, my last day consisted of deciding what I had to throw away and what I should haul home. I found a business journal I never read from my first month at that job. I was there for 4 years.
Just take it to College Park, MD. The women’s basketball team is still in the playoffs. My alma mater will be burning something soon, win or lose.
Sounds like an entirely different walk of shame taking the tree down the street to another dumpster…
are you a hoarder?!?! do you need to go on dr phil to confess it to a nationally televised audience?
it’s ok, i’ve have old food in my fridge for longer than 3 months. classy.
Let the tree dry out and then decorate it with white lights and put it in your house as a decoration! It will look beautiful! Then you can just play it off like no big deal.
And heck, if it were up to me…I’d still have my Christmas tree up. Perhaps you’ve just been trying to hold on to the holiday!
It’s uhm uhm uhm
I’ll get back to you.
Kellie: If only he hadn’t been defeated by the DAY MAN… HUUU AWWW!!! Champion of karate and friendship for everyone!!! … Now get on that pic.
insomniaclolita: Mac?? No way! Mac’s a STALLION!
JPP: I’ve got my Sharpie all ready.
BeckEye: I know! Apparently they’ve got a LOT more funding this season… it’s gonna be the bee’s knees!
Julie Q: It can be a George in the Jungle kind of way. I’m okay with it.
thebmt: That’s a great idea- Bonfire when UNC wins it all!!!
SkylersDad: If only my camera had night vision on it…
alexa: That’s not food, at that point. It’s fuzz. Unless it’s Spam. Then it’ll be good in 2046.
Amandaaa: I do love me some Christmas, as everyone knows…
Patty Duke: Good deal.
hahaha. i am sure you are not the only one with last year’s xmas tree still hanging around.
no judgment here . . . i once broke my arm the first week of march and my sister flew down to help me and was appalled i still had mine up – in the house. i have now invested in an artificial tree. perhaps you should too.
I can’t bare to get rid of Christmas trees. I’d be sleeping with mine right about now if I could.
What you SHOULD do is go into crackhouse, set it up, and decorate it. A crackhouse Christmas.
Oh, Lilu, it’s okay.
Really.
I’ve seen worse. Midwest people (NOT ME) don’t even bother taking down the tree and leave it up all year long.
Gretchen Wilson said it.
cat eyes are just freaking stupid, that compensates for the lack of genitalia, in my opinion… very biased opinion. *ggrrrr
I give you credit for at least taking the tree down- my parents will keep our tree up til Easter/V-Day. Really embarrassing.
I cannot judge you one bit. Left to my own devices, I would totally do this. Nick is the one who takes care of things in timely fashion.
Love it! And seriously….the description of you? That’s me…completely…we so need to hang out, lol! I’m only in one cracked out city over, haha.
no judgement here.
my roommates and i still have trash sitting in our backyard from our housewarming party three weeks ago. and its BAD trash, like food and dirty napkins and beer bottles.
well, the bottles we’re going to recycle, but no one wants to put that crap in their car and take it to the dump, and we can only put so much in our garbage cans each week. it just keeps piling up :/ our neighbors are going to think we’re dirty stinky mexicans… which we kinda are. because of the bags and bags of trash and all.
trust me, a four month old xmas tree is NOT a big deal.
unless it catches fire.
then youre fucked.
jk.
but really. they are very flammable.
im just sayin…
At this point, I’d probably just wait and throw it out with next year’s tree. In fact, I’m sure that’s what I’d do.
drollgirl: Perhaps not… but out of 75 people, no one’s admitted differently…
Claire: But I love the piney smell so!
Muppet Soul: “A Crackhouse Christmas”: A new rendition of A Christmas Carol.
Dolce: I LOVE that song. I totally meant to put the clip in the post and I forgot! Booooo
PorkStar: Cat eyes are AWESOME!!!
Dmbosstone: We didn’t take it down til after Vday, I’m fairly sure…
Lisa: I know, right? Where was B on this? This is so his job.
margelina: One cracked out city ain’t too much at all
Chicapicante: Oh, you win. We’d have mice if we did that. Love the city!
blueviolet: Hmm. You might be onto something there…
I don’t like the eyes. They scare me. And I keep my santa chimes on the doorknob to my bedroom year round. It’s the only way I can tell if there’s burglers.
I’m thinking bon fire in the backyard…That will get rid of it.
I am just inpressed it still has needles. Set that sucker back up and enjoy it, woman!
now i don’t feel so bad about the wreath (fake!) hanging from my front door or the christmas tree door mat that are both still out on display. at this point, it’s more funny than it is pathetic. i’m seriously thinking about leaving them out all year long.
It could be worse. This lame ass idiot that I worked for in my college days decided to have a party for his employees about this time of year. When we arrived the house was full of black smoke and the fire truck was in the driveway. Seems like his wife had been nagging him to take the Christmas tree to the dump and with the party upon them she started shrieking at him. He saw an easy solution. He started a fire in the fireplace and put the top of the tree in it, thinking he would just push it into the fire as it burned. Well, at least he didn’t decide to hurry it along by putting gasoline on it. Uh, you don’t have a fireplace, do you?
That’s pretty insane. Unrelated garbage story. We were throwing out old unused carpet pieces from when we changed the carpet years ago and this woman stopped her car and went through it, asking if she could take the carpet for her puppy because it was jsut so perfect. THen she proceeded to take other things and go through our neighbors dump. maybe she’s want and old xmas tree? this reminded me of her for some reason.
People tell me their secrets all the time. but mostly its the ones that have big mouths and spread everyone elses secrets, too. So i dont share. Someone told me everyone jsut does because they know I won’t tell anyone anything. Im a good secret keeper like that. Or maybe Im jsut a non gossipper?
Have fun with the dumping!
And this is why I have a small, fake tree. Thank you for reminding me. Because if I was in your spot, mine would probably still be up.
There is a crack house next to my building too. But it is not abandoned. There are me classy people that live there and yes I have befriended some of them. Well I say hi. It is good karma to be nice to crack heads, so my mom has told me.
Funny, our neighbors just threw out their Christmas tree yesterday.
That could SO easily happen at my house. My husband is king of “staging” things only to never get around to it.
The best was when he was going to repair a crack in our front steps and bought a big back of cement. He immediately put the bag of cement out on our back deck saying, “I’ll work on this later when the twins are napping.” Never happened – what a surprise.
The following weekend after a few days of rain, we became the lucky owners of a giant rock still neatly packaged in it’s original wrappings. It lived there for more months than I’d like to admit and we only JUST “rolled it” out the back gate. I did rip off the packaging in hopes that it would be less of an eyesore. Now I’m just waiting for it to grow some moss and start looking more like a rock…
Suggestions for your tree? Hmmm. maybe just chop it up into lots of little pieces and dump it over the railing. Let the neighbors wonder… The people doing the renovating will probably tidy it up for you.
OK so that is seriously TOO funny.
Haha you make me feel better about my foibles now.
Oh my! Oh could you resist?!?! I mean, I would have been breaking pieces off and playing target games with the dumpster from the balcony… and when I ran out of tree bits, would have gone through the house looking for other things to toss!
(I modified my name because there’s another ‘Hannah’ commenting on here)
Are your Christmas lights still up too? You guys could have a “Christmas in July” thing that seems to be popular in the States.
I want to tell you secrets and I barely know you. Now that’s power.
My roommate and I kept our tree up for nearly two months. It was a serious fire hazard when we actually removed it and, yes, left it at the curb in early February. No shame!!
LiLu don’t feel bad, I once removed my best friend’s xmas tree…in June. He’d kept watering it, but I swear it was so dry if you breathed on it after eating Mexican food it would have burst into flames.
I ended up cutting it up and stuffing it in garbage bags.
Kate: TOTALLY something I would do. You know, if B didn’t sleep closer to the bedroom door than me.
Caroline: Me too, actually. Any excuse for fire, beer, and friends!
Sassy Britches: Might as well save it for next year, eh?
Ella: Do it! If I didn’t share my door with the building, I probably would have…
Spellbound: No fireplace, thank goodness. If we burn it, it shall be on the driveway. Perhaps with some gasoline…
Falling Up: Definitely because you keep your mouth shut. Maybe it’s like they’re trying to get something out of you? But they never win…
A Super Girl: I know. I should probably get one… but I love the smell! The smell of Christmas and joy and pine!
LBluca77: We gave ours beer. Now THAT’S good karma.
SMB: They are kindred spirits. (Read: lazy.)
Kate CH: Oh my lord… you should definitely just turn it into a lawn ornament. It’s earned it.
Kez: I live to serve!
Connie: Now I’m REALLY pissed the dumpster isn’t there any more… that would have been awesome!
HannahBlue: Not a bad idea… I’m almost there anyway!
hannahjustbreathe: Maybe we should just put it on the curb. Own it, yanno?
FoggyDew: Mmmm. Mexican sounds good right about now. Shouldn’t have read your comment at lunch time…
My neighbor’s still have their icicle-style Christmas lights up, and they turn them on every day. Well, more accurately, they never turn them off. It’s nice. Now if I forget to turn on the light outside and I get home in the dark, I don’t have to fumble around trying to see my keys and the lock. How considerate of them!
Early April is kid’s stuff! And OUTSIDE no less! The BF and I once left a tree up in his parents’ house until it was almost May (we were house sitting).
In our defense, it was in a room that we rarely, if ever, went it to. But, still, tree with all of its decorations on. In a tree stand. In April.
We rock.
Okay, I’m late to the table and not about to read the four bazillion comments above me, but has anyone suggested doing it all stealthy like by throwing out like one branch at a time? It could work…
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