I have a confession to make, Bloggie Buddies. (And lurkers. I love you too! Just, yanno, a little bit less. KIDDING.)
I have Sidewalk Rage.
Some of you immediately know exactly what I mean. And some of you do not. Let me ‘splain.
I’m sure we’re all familiar with road rage, yes? The asshole on the road who who honks at you for stopping at a yellow light and then throws their hands up in disgust at your rearview mirror… The angst-filled teen who zips in and out of 80 mph traffic, because they can’t stand being behind anyone else? The crazy woman who rides your ass and then ZIPS by you in the left lane when you finally move over, while flipping you off?
Um… yeah. That was me. All of them. Sorry about that. What can I say? I’m a Masshole, baby. That’s how we DO up there. And because we ALL drive that way, nobody gets hurt.
Every time I’d get in the car (I just typed “bar” instead, wonder where MY head is today…?) with someone who didn’t know me that well, and was most likely under the impression that I was a delicate flower of a young lady, (hey! I heard that snort!)… they would- within moments- be shocked and appalled at the venemous filth that poured forth from my mouth. I just can’t help it- when I get behind the wheel of a car, my blood pressure immediately triples and I get a raging case of Tourettes.
(NSFW: Language.)
Yeah. Kinda like that. (God, I love that movie.)
Anyhoo, now I live in the grand ole District, and I have no car, which is better for everyone, trust. (I also get this cute little thing called “narcolepsy” whenever I drive for more than 20 minutes. I’ve driven off the road many times in my life, and the rumble strip has saved me more times than I can count.) So now I walk everywhere, which is great for my legs… but the Rage remains.
This is a tourist city, and they travel in HORDES. They cluster around maps and street signs looking pitiful and helpless while I avoid meeting their eyes. They stand on the goddamn LEFT side of the Metro escalators. They dash across the streets when there’s still 20 seconds ticking on the clock (which is more amusing than annoying, actually).
And if the tourists weren’t bad enough, even the normal people, our own citizens, are challenging… because People. Are. IDIOTS. In general, the average person is, quite honestly, a fucking moron. And every morning and evening during rush hour, I do “walking battle” with these morons. They stand in the middle of the sidewalk. They walk six abreast, with no intention of moving for the lone soldier trudging the other way. They are OBLIVIOUS to all going on around them, like ME behind them, walking on their heels and muttering under my breath as I fight to get around their slowpoke asses while they enjoy the goddamn weather or some shit.
Look, I walk fast naturally. Really fast. I know this. But the sidewalk is pretty big here! DC is a walking city, and the streets are pretty condusive to that. There is NO reason I should be fighting tooth and nail just to get to the end of the sidewalk and make the Walk Light. GOD HELP YOU IF YOU MAKE ME MISS MY WALK LIGHT!!!
I am also, if you haven’t picked up on it, a bit of a competitive walker. Even if I have no where to be, and there is no one on the whole quiet little street except for me and one person 10 paces ahead of me… I will pass them. I HAVE to. It’s this weird compulsion that I can’t explain. I must WIN. I must show them that they are slow and lazy and unworthy of their journey, and look how much better I am at completing my quest? You FOOL! Minion! Peon! Animal cracker!
Sight. I feel better now. That is, til 5:30… but at least there’s booze at the end of that walk.
/rant.
Happy Friday, lovebirds!
{ 136 comments }
YES! Somebody else walks as fast as I do- but then again I’m also from Massachusetts- where in MA do you hail?
I’m also happy that somebody else gets driving narcolepsy. I actually own a car down here (because I’m never got anywhere in MA without one and I refuse to not have one here.)
Go Sox!
Just when I thought I couldn't love you more…You go and reference Boondock Saints.
I have the same thing, btw. I canNOT stand to walk in the streets of DC…
<3
Me too! Chicago is horrible. Tourists taking photos, stopping right in the middle of the sidewalk to look up at buildings, crossing against the light, f*ing up the rotating doors that are so prevalent here… Makes me nutburgers crazy.
The weather is suppose to get better and the cherry blossoms will be blooming before you know it which means…MORE TOURISTS IN DC!
I may pack up and leave now.
I want to bitch slap the tourists with the straps from their fanny packs.
oh yeah. i’m from jersey, so 2nd only to MA for jerky drivers, and now i’ve turned into That Girl. the one who hips her way through tourists while muttering “go fucking home you fuckers”. i believe i belong to a facebook group with a similar idea….
Psh. That is how you DO up there. Ha ha ha. But you know what? I rage when I’m driving. Bad drivers piss me off and I’m not afraid to use my horn!
Boondock Saints FTW.
ugh, totally. the worst is when they’ve got small children that they’re dragging around, and bonus hatred points if the kid’s on a leash. get that wrapped around your legs and you’re done for!
i always obey the left/right walk/stand rule. I’m the best tourist ever.
This is too funny. I went to college in Boston and there were some seriously terrible drivers up there! I know I’m an impatient driver and really need to work on that.
Like you, I walk really fast and tend to get annoyed when slow people are walking in front of me.
I challenge you to a competitive walk-off. Name the time.
One of my absolutely biggest pet peeves is people who are oblivious to those around them. be it walking stupid slow, or stopping abruptly or walking into me etc.
I TOTALLY get this post.
xo
When I moved to NC, I didn’t realize that everyone walks slowly. Always. And the automatic doors at Walmart reflect that. Twice. Not once, but TWICE, I ran into the doors because they didn’t open fast enough for my Yankee speed.
I know how you feel, I walk fast as hell, too.
I don’t live in a walking city (Detroit is full of fatties) but if I did I would have horrid anger issues. I’m a competitive walker AT THE MALL…. which is ridiculous. I can only imagine how bitchy I would be walking to work everyday… the drive through rush hour is bad enough.
Ugh. You would DIE in Halifax. It’s a University Town in every sense of the term, so you have to deal with swarms of students who are too busy clomping along three-abreast in their Lulus and Uggs and texting to get out of the fucking way. And people ride their bikes on the sidewalk. And the city just passed a law that if you start crossing when the hand starts blinking, you get a ticket.
WHEN IT STARTS BLINKING.
I’m getting Walk Rage just thinking about it.
Sidewalk rage. I have it. I stay far away from certain streets b/c the thought of getting through the tourists revs me up!
I think we generally do everything faster than the rest of the country here in Mass. I am told ALL the time “Why are you walking so fast??” I’m like I’m not walking fast this is how I walk lol. And I hate tourists. HATE THEM.
On. The. Money.
1. I’m built for strength rather than speed, but I still manage to pass a fair number of people when walking. IMO, Public Enemy #1 are the Meanderers – you’ve plotted your passing path and start executing it only to have them suddenly change direction and weave into your path forcing you to quickly abort and switch directions. These people cannot walk in a straight line and it drives me crazy.
2. I’m a conscientious slow walker. I periodically check over my shoulder to see if anyone wants to pass. I swear it’s not because of the paranoia…
OMG, do not get me started. What don’t people on the street or the sidewalk understand about acknowledging the rest of the people around them, and just getting the fuck out of my way?
I’m sorry. I will try to do better next time.
I totally agree with those idiots at the Metro.
STAND to the RIGHT idiots!!! Let me get by on the LEFT!
I have to admit I also have sidewalk/road rage.
We might be walking soulmates. I do *everything* you mentioned. And I weave in and out of people…the same way I drive.
Also, I couldn’t watch the video (stupid work), but I didn’t even need to. Awesome movie – great scene.
It’s the same way here. People need to realize that the sidewalk is like a road. Either move or pull over to the side. Before I kill you.
You know what? People HATE me because I walk so slow. I dont even walk, I just kind of stroll…
and I am ok with that… at least I own it.
dude, you don’t know about walking rage unless you have lived in NYC, worked in Times Square and have little patience for humanure. Every single space of sidewalk is taken by slow-ass moving maggots, some taking pictures, camera person in one corner, person to be photographed 30 feet away, as if there were so much space to be wasted, coupled with the ass sizes of the people that live in NY and vicinity and people who grunt and fight with you because the escalators are for stillness only but they don’t understand, there is no such thing as stillness in this fucking city…
WTF yo, you got me all worked up lol
THANK YOU! Pedestrians in this city are so friggin’ annoying. Walk slower, why don’t you? And in the metro during morning rush hour? Snail’s pace, I tell you. My ultimate pet peeve however is this: pedestrians who jaywalk, thereby interfering with traffic patterns so that when the walk signal does alight, cars are clogging up the intersection. This bothers me more than you could possibly know.
Take your rage+a lincoln Towncar= JP’s morning drive to work.
BTW: One of my top 10 all time favorite movies.
You can’t take the Jersey out of the girl, either. But you CAN make her leave the Glock at home, which is probably best for everyone.
All that to say, I know what you mean. Exactly.
am wit u on having to pass ple on the pavement even wit no whre to go it annoys me to be behind ple. and i cannot stand mothers with their buggy’s and another toddler(or 2) next to it taking up all the space!
I live in Souther California. People don’t walk. Not only do they NOT walk but they invent clever ways not to walk. But when they are forced to walk, say as in the Mall, they have walk rage. They will actually get physical with you if you are in their way. It becomes sort of a Mall Roller Derby.
LiLu:
I also sold my car when I moved to the District, but do you know why I don’t suffer from sidewalk rage?
Because I get up and hit the sidewalks (and the Metro: I work in Bethesda) at 6am.
The sidewalks are deserted. The WP platform is empty. The train still has open seats, and I’m not smushed between people on the shuttle.
see when i see tourists it just makes me realize how cool an area i really live in. i’m a dork who LIKES to get asked for directions.
(i’m in a weirdly happy moody right now, this comment response would probably change in 4 hours)
hate these people too. especially when i am lined up perfectly to get on the metro and some ass jumps right in front of me. i want to chuck their ugly messenger bag onto the tracks.
OMG YES YES YES. i have PLACES TO BE, PEOPLE (uh, even when i don’t, technically) so they should MOVE OUT MAH WAY. and i have vaporized people standing on the left with the hate in my eyes before. true story.
OMG, I’m totally the same way. My Mom and two of my college friends from back home literally REFUSE to drive with me. I fail to see what their problem is.
The walking this totally had me laughing out loud. I need to learn to slow down during the summertime, ESP with the wicked DC heat/humidity. But yet, I never learn. As soon as I saw your sidewalk rage it reminded me of Tea Leoni in “Spanglish” where she screams, “LEFT! LEEFFTTT!” even when she’s 1/2 block back.
I’m the same way…total bitch on feet. I think it comes from being short, though, and always being bumped into and unseen. I’ve got a major chip on my shoulder, zipping around past people. And god help you if you back up into me…you’re gonna get the whole “hands up in the air whoa buddy what’s up, gotta problem?” routine.
I’m ready to rumble.
I have a word that my friend introduced me to that accurately describes the idiotic tourists we have here in the District: Touron. Half tourist, half moron. My main annoyances come from working on the Hill and having the 27 school groups every day taking over my building. I want to slap their chaperones and say “YOU might be on vacation but I am at work. Do NOT take the elevator one flight when the stairs and clearly marked behind you. Hell, do NOT take the elevators at all. There is a childhood obesity problem in our country, do your part and make the little snots walk up and down the stairs! It’s not hard – I have to do it IN HEELS every day because you people take up ALL THE ELEVATORS. Also, do NOT congregate outside an office and chatter for a half hour because you are that early for your tour. AND DO NOT go into the cafeteria at lunch time – that is the only time that staff (you know, the people who WORK here and who set up your stupid tours and meetings) get to eat.”
This also goes to all the faux-lobbyists (read: the people who flock to DC to “lobby” on whatever their stupid ass pretend organization is) and regular tourists too.
I feel SO much better.
Thank you, LiLu!
I think maybe we were separated at birth. I could have written this post.
I am totally the EXACT SAME WAY. I am a crazy fast walker and everyone is always slower than I want them to be. Walking around campus, I weave in and out of people like crazy. I found a Facebook group called: I want to punch slow walking people in the back of the head. I think it describes us perfectly. haha
I confess I am a “natural” jaywalker. Don’t have the patience to get to the corner, oh no. Anyways, what makes my ears smoke are those on the metro escalators, that just stand next to each other and chat, they freaking block the freaking escalator and don’t let anyone pass. I think I ahve gotten in a couple of arguments with those.
Then tourists, I just don’t like them. Not only they are on vacations, but their brains are on vacations too. They are absolutely unable to think. They only have 4 neurons awake, (1) to eat, (2) to drink, (3) to sleep, and (4) to rehearse reproduction.
Cultivate your hatred for tourists. It’s what makes you a real Washingtonian. They are INSUFFERABLE!
I feel you. I don’t have to pass people, but I even preg, I walk faster than most people. And I just want to shove amblers into the street. Get out of my fucking way. It doesn’t even matter if I have somewhere to be or not. Slow bores me.
Dmbosstone: Worcester represent! GO SAWX!
PQ: Boondock Saints is in my top 5, definitely.
Maiden: NUTBURGER! That’s almost as good as ANIMAL CRACKER!
Marie: I know. That’s about the ONLY good thing about winter. Sigh.
JoLee: I love you. That is all.
Vittoria: I’m pretty sure I belong to one of those groups on FB too. We can be That Girl together! *angry mumble*
Jaime: Boondock Saints FOREVER.
cavy: Small children should be SHOT. Wait, who said that?
Maxie: You are my favorite tourist.
Miss Musing: Impatience is Boston’s other motto, after “Get drunk and be Irish”
f.B: Oh, it is SO ON.
Princess OTU: Oh, the stopping abruptly KILLS ME. Or, I should say, makes me kill them.
Kate: Soooooooooo slowly! I have totally done that, btw.
SL Ginger: I think I’d rather deal with the sidewalks than the road. It is CRAZY round here.
Racquel Valencia: Honestly, that sounds like my very own personal hell.
Molly: I always skip the circles. It’s just not worth it.
Kristen: I know, when I’m walking with friends I always have to remind myself to slow down. Ridiculous!
JFo: As long as you’re conscientious, you’re cool with me, darlin.
Dutchess: I know. How hard is it to, yanno, actually pay attention to THE WORLD AROUND YOU??
Kristina P: Not you, love! I know you would never…
vazenchick: I will literally bark in someone’s ear if they’re standing on the left. I’m badass like that.
Liebchen: Walking soulmates forever! And yes… Boondock is my bible.
surviving myself: It is EXACTLY like a road. I also hate when people walk towards you and don’t move to their right. THIS IS AMERICA AND THESE ARE THE RULES, PEOPLE.
Matt: I don’t mind you strolling… as long as you let me pass!
PorkStar: I have experienced walking (or trying to) in NY. It is one of the reasons I live in DC.
HP: Oh, I know. Those asshats are the worst. And it’s always a BUS stuck, too, isn’t it? Which just makes it that much more of a clusterfuck.
justjp: Top 5 for me. Definitely.
Dagny Taggart: A Glock, hmm… maybe we could get tasers?
cJs: The double strollers are just ridiculous. They completely overtake the sidewalk.
Gladys: That sounds like heaven! Everyone in a hurry…
Snay: True. But that would involve me getting no sleep, unfortunately. Not gonna happen.
alexa: I don’t mind giving directions if they’re not asshats about it. Which is about .01% of the time.
lustyreader: Do it! Do it! … Oh. Was that not the right response?
Alice: Teach me! Please!
Sweet Dill: I walk too fast in the summer too, and I’m gross when I get to work. Thank goodness for layers…
Steam Me Up: “Total bitch on feet”! I love it! And I am GREAT at the “hands up in the air” routine. We should go walking sometime and show everyone who’s boss.
Sweet Bea: TOURON!!! That is FABULOUS! I feel better after your joint-rant too
Hillbilly Princess: Do you have a webbed left foot? I mean… uh, nevermind.
Stephanie: I am going to find that group and join it, seriously!
Titania: I’ve definitely gotten in arguments while trying to “educate” people who didn’t understand escalator etiquette. The nice thing is that you know the rest of the natives around will totally back you up!
Fiery Nuggets: They really are! It’s not just me… they’re HORRIBLE with their FBI shirts and CIA hats!
I am “the” person you speak of in the car. One time, my ex hubby was driving we were pulling into a parking lot we were merging onto a lane that cars from opposite sides could get into, and out of nowhere, this asshole starts honking at us like if we cut him off or did something, I immediately, roll down my window and yell out F* U and flip them off. They ended up parking close to us and as soon as I saw them get out of the car, I realized it was my girlfriend and her husband, they were trying to say Hi! lol!!!
oooooh so with you on this one. I feel like an uberbitch zipping around the slow people, but come ON. I especially hate it when people j-walk slowly. If you’re going to go against the light, step lively now; I’ll j it but I’m quick. I don’t want to be a pancake because you had to just saunter on along. Seriously.
As an alumnus of the University of Maryland, I have no patience for walkers. I’ve been hit a couple of times by cars (just on the elbow) and you’re not walking right if you haven’t knocked anyone’s backpack with yours running to class. So the tourists can #$@#@$@#. Arrgh, Animal Crackers!
May they be run over and learn their lesson. But not dead. Well maybe if they are really in my way.
Lisa: EXACTLY. I may not have to be somewhere at a certain time, but I still have a DESTINATION. Get outta mah way!
Violet: I’m pretty sure something almost exactly like that has happened to me. Hilarious!!!
magda: I don’t even feel like an uberbitch doing it… I feel INCONVENIENCED. And YES on the slow jaywalkers! What are you thinking!
I hate it when you’re walking down a narrow path or street and there is a large group of people blocking the way. There’s people moving all around them but they just stand there oblivious, laughing and yakking. SO annoying!
I LOVE that movie!
I can totally relate to the sidewalk rage. I get that feeling every day at school. and don’t you love the people who walk slow…then realize that you want to pass them so they speed up..then slow down…then weave back and forth like they are drunk? LOVE IT.
DAMN, GIRL. What are you, anyhow? Some kind of super blogging celeb? You get a crazy amount of comments. It’s like… you’re writing lolcats or something.
Anyhow. Yes. We are BFFs now. Don’t tell my other BFFs b/c they will undoubtedly fly into a jealous rage and say things they don’t really mean. Also, I will share Maxie’s breasts with you.
On with the show.
This post is pure poetry. I especially love:
“They are OBLIVIOUS to all going on around them, like ME behind them, walking on their heels and muttering under my breath as I fight to get around their slowpoke asses while they enjoy the goddamn weather or some shit.”
I think I might have got a little misty reading that.
P.S. Do you really have the narcolepsy? Weird! My doctor just told me I don’t have it. But no one will tell me WHAT THE FUCK I DO HAVE.
I walk really slow. I have short legs. You would hate walking with me.
I am famous for body checking people who refuse to stay to the right during rush hour. I don’t care how big you are, I will hit you and keep on walking if you can’t figure it out.
And don’t even get me started on umbrellas in the city. Like the one time a lady hit me in the face with hers and my glasses flew into the street. That was awesome. Thankfully another stranger picked them up for me because (1) I was blind and (2) GOD FORBID THE STUPID UMBRELLA WOMAN PICK THEM UP.
OK, rant over.
The vocalness (is that a word?) of my road rage subsided a bit when I stopped at a stoplight and my then 4 year old son shouted, “Hey idiot, what are you thinking?” at the car in front of me. He apparently thought we shouldn’t have to stop, and the car in front of us should have run the red light to let us through.
THIS is why I never should have taught my children to speak.
Just be glad it’s not like what a friend saw in Sarajevo in the early 90′s. Jaywalkers gunned down by snipers. Red light runners caught by the militas and hung next to the stoplights they ran. Pedestrians armed with RPGs, daring trucks and cars to try running them down. Cars blowing up passing another car because the driver of the passed car threw a grenade through the window.
Massholes wouldn’t last a day, unless they had superior firepower.
thebmt: Maybe just a little dead. Fish Scales!
Hannah: YES, that is definitely on my list of Things I Will Kill Other Pedestrians For!
Hannah-Lane: Isn’t it the bestest? And I HATE the weavers! Death to the weavers! Unless they’re really drunk. Then it’s cool. But not during rush hour, man!
Mermanda: Ha, celeb my ass. We’re a close-knit community over here! And thanks for going halfsies on Maxie’s boobs. I’ve never actually been tested for narcolepsy, but I would bet ANTHING I have it.
Oxen Cox: I would slow down for you. I understand some of us are twee.
Kate: I often employ the body check on the escalators. The degree of the check depends on how much they’re in my way, and how annoying they are as a human being. It’s math.
Mary: See, this is why I can’t have children. Or maybe just not a car. Hmm… tough choice…
Anonymous: That’s crazy. I am very glad to be in DC, and totally… not there.
Yeah, I had to drive a car this morning for the first time in about 6 months. It took about 6 seconds for the rage to kick in.
But please don’t hate all the tourists. *sniff*
yes! just … yes.
I live in a touristy city and I am SO ungracious when it comes to fucking tourists and their inability to fucking walk. They clog up the sidewalks with their gawking and picture-taking and you know what? MY CITY IS UGLY. Why are you taking pictures of buildings? They’re not even nice buildings. Fuckers.
i grew up in wisconsin. nobody walks in wisconsin. you drive if you have to get anywhere and you find the parking spot closest to the door so as to minimize your walking experience. you take your time.
i moved to new york a year ago exactly. i learned real fast that taking time was a waste of time and nobody could afford that. when i wanted to gawk at the amazingly tall buildings and how pretty the pigeons were flying between them, 3 million other people wanted to shove me in front of a taxi so they could get where they needed to be.
then i got a dog-walking job. and i started using my long legs to their full advantage. i passed everyone, pushed past them if they wouldn’t move or were weave-walkers, sighed and growled at them as i tried to whisk past them while being bombarded by oncoming traffic, and i always kept my chin raised like i was better than everyone else.
my bf has seen me speed walking at my full height, purposeful and frightening in all my long-legged advances. he said i look like i could shoot lasers out of my eyes if anyone got in my way. no wonder i never have anyone to walk with.
and one last note, when i walk with him, i have to hold his hand otherwise i’ll just walk ahead until i lose him in the crowd and i have to double back to find him. i’ve adjusted a little TOO well to new york transportation.
I spent the last few years living and working in Manhattan – you do NOT have to tell me about pedestrian rage. Holy crap! I walked home every day down Fifth Avenue and every day without fail I’d be held up by some clueless loon by the Empire State Building who decides to stop in the middle of the sidewalk FOR NO APPARENT REASON and just stare into space. GET OUT OF MY WAY BITCHES! I fully believe some people should require a license to walk in a city, just like you need to drive a car.
Oh that brought back the rage…
You know… I live in a town where driving is OK, and walking is not a huge thing… but I’ve spent quite a bit of time in Chicago and even though since I don’t “live” there… I feel the SAME EXACT WAY everytime I’m there…
The assholes that won’t move over to let you by, the 6 deep assholes that seem to form a human chain crossing the street… and the WORST ONE (I’ve been known to have word vomit directed at these types of people before) is the assholes that WON’T move out of the way for someone with children… I don’t care if they are in a stroller or walking… MOVE OUT OF MY WAY!!!
Ok… all better now
Good post… oh yeah… I’m one of those drivers too… in a mom mobile… it’s really hot… trust me
You’re not alone. When I lived at home and had to drive, I experienced road rage. My brother explains that has now shifted to pedestrian rage. If it gets too bad, at least I know there’s someone to join my little support group.
I hate it when I am on the running trail at the park and people let their dogs wander back and forth on a leash and I trip and fall and look stupid and they look at me like it was. my. fault.
Assholes.
OMG the escalator thing is the BANE of my existence! WTF?? How lazy are people who just fucking STAND THERE?
I am also a very fast walker, even when I don’t need to be anywhere. Chalk it up to my obsessive compulsiveness and my need to be doing something at all times. I also grip my thumbs in my fists when I walk for some stupid reason that I don’t understand.
When are you going to visit LA so I can get you schwasted*? Just to entice you, I drop it like it’s hot when I’ve been drinking.
*my new favorite word.
We just might be twins. I was laughing and nodding my head through this entire post. Only I wouldn’t describe people as morons. That’s giving them too much credit (as in they don’t mean to do stupid shit). I call these people selfish bastards who could stand to remember there are more people in the world than just them!
Oh I HATED people on the leftside of that G-ddamn metro elevator.
Honestly.
But even more, my favorite was every once in awhile a tourist child attempting to go down the up escalator.
EVEN MORE favorite, on the sidewalk when people don’t understand that the laws of cars apply – you walk on the right G-ddamn side.
Ass.
Fish Scales!!! (Awesome btw) I don’t have a car either so I know all about sidewalk rage. But here in Lexington, the sidewalks are usually only big enough for 2, which leads to one of my biggest pet peeves in the world. When two people approach one person and don’t go single-file past the person walking by themselves (me) and try to force them (me) on to the grass. I’ll walk into them before I’ll step foot on the grass. Like what? By virtue of the fact that you have two people, I have to walk on the grass? Fuck that noise.
oh yes, I can relate! I’m the same way! My husband can’t stand that I’m always in a rush. Always passing everyone. ESPECIALLY the strollers! Fuck the fucking strollers in the fucking mall with their fucking families all happy-go-lucky strolling along while I’m zipping left to right waiting for my moment to whiz by/elbow them in the face.
Thanks for the end of day rant. The only thing to follow this up will be the wine I have waiting at home.
Do you have any idea how similar this is to people walking on a college campus? Don’t they have somewhere to be going, like, CLASS?!?! AHHH! So irritating!
Fearless: Well, you had a good tour guide
You didn’t break any rules.
Hillary: They are fuckers! All of them!
lucklys: It sure sounds like it
Welcome to the club of fast-walkers! We’re glad to have you.
Veg Assassin: I know! It’s like, seriously, what are you even LOOKING at? Don’t you have pigeon poop where you come from??
Miles to Go: Word vomit is an awesome way of making one’s opinions known without going to jail. I fully support and advocate its use.
Miss Scorpio: I will totally be your Vice Prez.
Hotch Potchery: Jagoffs! Control your beasts, whether they children or animals!
Georgia: My college GBF lives in West Hollywood… I totally need to get out there so we can live it up! We’d have such a blast!
SoMi’s Nilsa: You are so right. I was wayyyy too easy on them with ‘morons’!
Muppet Soul: I HATE when you end up ‘dancing’ with someone on the sidewalk because they don’t move to the right. IT IS NOT THAT HARD, PEOPLE!
los_tartist: Animal Crackers! I will shoulder check the fuck out of people who try to force me onto the grass. NOT HAPPENING. Try splitting up the happy group, how bout!
WuTang: Now all I can think about is wine… thank YOU
speak yourself: Honestly, when I first got to Chapel Hill and had to walk behind SOUTHERN students everywhere? I thought I was going to shoot myself. Or them. Either way…
am i an immature peon for laughing at the word “abreast”?? cause i totally did.
out loud.
sadly i cannot walk to work without fearing for my life… BUT i hate (!) slow walkers and the slow walkers that speed up when you try to walk at a normal human being’s pace. the worst are the airport walkers in the middle of the terminal WALKways with nine tiny children spread across the WALKway. college is the next worst. really? nobody has anywhere to go anywhere??? in the airport?
now i’m all aflutter.
You can be my walking buddy any day. I, too, am a super-fast walker and slow people annoy me. I will also not hesitate to jog/run if it means making a walk light!
from one MASSHOLE to another, i understand you.
happy freakin weekend baby!
Yecchh…sidewaddlers make me want to commit mass murder.
Someone should create a bike lane-type corridor in which tourists must stay. Or try walking around with a pit bull. People should move out of your way.
I can totally identify with being annoyed behind dumbshits that dont have a clue where they are going and clogging up the way, however, please try not to hate on us moms with our 18 children in tow. Believe me, if you have children you can not imagine how much SLOWER you would go if you DIDNT have a stroller. Pretty. Fucking. Slow. Walkers should probably thank whoever came up with the stroller idea because if you thought the sidewalks and malls were clogged with strollers – imagine how horrible without. Try dodging past slow, awkward, stand around, darting in different directions, screaming children – that would piss anyone off. And then you would just feel bad after you trampled over a little kid. I can relate to those who dont have kids, cause I’ve been there. But just once I would like to see one of those haters take a turn in my shoes – I dont think they could handle the slowness I have to endure.
Thanks for the rant!
WooHoo! A fellow ‘fast walker’!
I, too, get extremely annoyed at the slowpokes and sidewalk hogs…or aisle hogs in the stores… I mentally flip them off… 
Well dear, once again you have your finger on the pulse of your audience. While I live in city where walking is frowned upon, I have a certain reputation for moving too fast. One of the other managers I work with calls it “the elaine walk”, like I invented not wasting time. I dodge and weave through mall walkers like I’m in a living pinball machine, even when I am in no rush whatsoever. However when I went to London I was in constant fear of becoming part of the tarmac in the tube passageways. It is a nation of competitive walkers so if you want to find empathy for the hordes of Asians with cameras, get thee to London for rush hour in Piccadilly. Bring your most comfortable shoes.
I can feel your pain. I too am a very fast walker, even when I’m trying not to be. I just naturally walk fast for everything. In fact my husband always thought he was a fast walker until he met me and now he can’t keep up with me…lol…he teases me with saying that if speed walking was an olympic sport I would win a medal. And when I know there is a nice cold beer for me at the end, I can walk even faster!!
I too get annoyed with how inconsiderate people walking down the side walk or at the airport can be. Love your rant! Have a great weekend.
OMG, aside from the “I don’t own a car now” I could have written this post word for word. I have BOTH road rage and sidewalk rage, and don’t fucking slow me down, idiots!!!
When I worked in NYC, Times Square was on my walk to work, and I was forced to go on the street to avoid the fucking tourists walking side by side, looking at the “big tall buildings” blocking the damn sidewalk. I would rather deal with NYC traffic, while on foot, than with those tourists!!! ARGH!!!!
Haha. Youuu silly! I’m a ragedaholic when it comes to driving. Minus the language.
But as for the people on the sidewalk? Oh my gosh. Worst ever, huh? I used to be that way in New York. Like yeahh…the Empire State Building…ohh ahh. It’s great. But freakin’ people, I need to get to my building you’re all crowding in front of!
I feel your pain my little raging friend.
Hey, if you passed me on the sidewalk it would only be because I LET you! Kidding!!! My husband thinks the way I squeeze my shoulders together and put my arms in front of my stomach so that I can squeeze between a couple of slowpokes without touching them is rude. Actually it’s kind of pointless because he won’t stay with me and I always have to wait for him.
So yooou’re that person behind me. But guess what? Ive had youpegged for a long time. I hear you’re fast foot ,steps behid me, so I walk faster. You pick up your pace. And I pick up mine. The race is on. You never catch me, but you try walking ever faster. Sometimes it get to a point that I’m almost running, and, I think, what will happen if I did start running. To end this I will walk into the next building or store. Cheating? Yeah. But so what. I must. win. Ya!!!
LOLS! You’re so funny…. OMG! My brother goes on road rage here every now and then and my mom is the same way sometimes. Imagine, my little sweet innocent chinky eye mommy driving around and then if someone cuts in front of her, oh man, she goes to the next lane, honks, gives them a dirty look and drives away. I’m left holding on to my dear seat belt while my mom or brother tells me to stop being such a woss. lols…the three of you really need to get together sometime. I can go into a walk rage sometimes, there’s this one time a stupid kid was right in front of me and got in my way and I just glared at the kid till he moved over and told his mommy.lols…
That’s how people drive right over here too just in case you wonder what causes my sarcastic behavior
I def. have road/sidewalk rage..I’ll honk the hell out of somebody if there not moving up to speed and walking, stresses me out when you have to dart in and out of people like your a goddamn mouse in a maze,
Emily: Are you kidding me? I could barely type it
mylittlebecky: Oh, I get MURDEROUS in the airport. That shiz isn’t even funny!
Zandria: Exactly! I am NOT sitting on that corner for a minute because some tourist was too slow.
brookem: You too, lovebug!
TishTash: Agreed, darlin. Agreed.
emma: Hmmm. Where can I rent a pit bull?
Kimberly: I don’t mind a stroller at all! They keep the little ones CONTAINED so they can’t trip my feet
Stacy (TRCC): Aisle hogs in stores get my loudest, rudest EXCUSE ME!!!
Spellbound: Oh, London was heavenly for that! I kept right up and loved every second of it.
smiles4u: We should definitely make speed walking an olympic sport! We’d knock it out of the park
Beach Bum: See, that’s the worst, because you have to deal with BOTH road and sidewalk rage! I think I would have 3 ulcers by now…
Amanda.: I honestly don’t think I could handle New York. DC’s bad enough!
Cyndy: Hold his hand… then he HAS to keep up!
Patty Duke: Grrrrr! I challenge you to a walk off!
ChinkyGirlMeL: I love glaring at little children. Wait, that came out wrong…
insomniaclolita: Oh, THAT’S where that comes from! lol!
Lil’ Woman: Exactly. Do not make me be a mouse, people!!
LiLu – thanks for stopping by. I love DC. My Little T (he’s 11)is dying to see the White House so we’re gonna do a day or two on the train. We live near Richmond. Let me know what time I need to be off the sidewalk! Have a great week end!
Awesome post! So awesome I could’ve written it myself… really. Nothing else cool, witty or interesting to add but yeah it made my night!
Ok so note to self, do not get in LiLu’s or ANY of her readers’ way. Check.
I don’t walk fast, but that’s mostly due to the fact that I have short legs. I am a right side walker though so anyone who wants to can pass me.
Also, saw the “Worcester represent!” comment, and had to say, my company is working on a project there right now. It always shocks me when someone mentions a city that I know because of work.
ha ha ha, SO TRUE. I stay away from touristy avenues for fear my mouth may betray me. LOVE your post, my dear
I’m right there with you LiLu. Sidewalk ragers unite!!!
Sidewalk Rage Sufferer Here as well..
Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting. I just have to say your blog is quite amusing and I will definitely be back for a visit!
BTW…Boondock Saints..BEST MOVIE EVER!!!
sidewalk rage… classic! I too suffer from this. Personally, I am a terminal jaywalker (ticketed, with a DC gov rap sheet to boot).
I hate the people who inch along at Chinatown like the inside of the metro is scenic. Don’t you see the green line is like 30 seconds away? I want to go home!!!!!
It took me 20 minutes to scroll through your cooments. Stop being so popular.
I almost didn’t ask this next question of fear of being stoned or mocked endlessly but I must know.
What movie is that?
My only excuse for that question is I’m from Utah. That’s always my fallback excuse. Utah, Utah, Utah.
Sadly I understand this rage. Boondock Saints was such a great movie.
I wish I lived in a place where you could survive without a car. I hate to drive anywhere and my commute is an hour each way. I would gladly step out of your way if I had the option of walking to work. Happy Saturday!
I hear ya – same thing in my part of the world. What with long summers and Table Mountain, Cape Town is major tourist fodder.
It’s so bad here that you feel weird being local in some parts of the city!
Noe Noe Girl: You two should be fine, as long as you stay on the right
And wait til the Cherry Blossom Festival! It’s breathtaking.
alexlobov: Thanks, darlin… Glad to hear it!
Jaxie: That was my Worcester comment! I grew up there. (Btw- sorry I didn’t catch your first TMI post til now! It’s linked.)
tanya: I try to avoid, but they’re everywhere
Soda and Candy: We seriously need to start a club. Or a help group. Either way…
Living on the Spit: It IS the best movie ever! See you back soon
Desiree Aubigny: Oh, Chinatown is the WORST. At least there’s Irish bars all over the place to pop in and soothe the rage with a pint…
JPP: ZOMFG. Boondock Saints, love! Get thee to a movie store IMMEDIATELY! Nevermind, I’m coming over and bringing it with me. Start popping the corn.
Captain Dumbass: It really, really was. And I’m sorry you share our pain!
SMB: I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to drive again after being free for so long, honestly. Happy weekend, love!
Rox: I know exactly what you mean. If I ever go down to the National Mall, everyone just assumes I’m a tourist!
Oh. MY God. I’m YOU! lol. I canNOT stand idiot drivers. My husband’s even worse…he doesn’t think anyone BUT him should be on the road.
Can’t stand crowds. Can’t stand lines. Can’t stand little old ladies. Hate sllllloooow drivers. Hate fast drivers. lol.
And even when I’m on vacation? HATE tourists. Everyone walking around like they got allll frickin day. Don’t stand around. Keep walking people! Keep moving!
GREAT post. Loved it!
I liked kate’s comment about automatic doors, I HATE them and am always walking into the damn things…
hahahahahahahaha. this whole thing was hilarious. I know exactly what you’re talking about. Here in Raleigh, us joggers fight the good fight ever day as convo-Moms stand with their puppies and cup of coffee– in the MIDDLE of the SIDEWALK– with no notice of joggers/runners trying to actually USE the sidewalk…
I mean, if you’re just gonna stand and blab, blab under a tree or something. sideWALk– you’re supposed to be MOVING!!!
wow. that is hilarious.
VERY VERY cute blog btw.
I’m like you too. People need to get the hell out of my way not just because I’m in a hurry but because of my importance.
i HATE it when people stand on the left side of the Metro escalators. they’re retarded, and i will inform them of this when i see an escalator injustice in progress.
couldn’t agree with you more. people really are IDIOTS. hate slow walkers. i walk fast – do almost everything fast but walk really fast. my husband walks like molasses in july. drives me nuts. in the grocery store especially.
Bwahahahaha! You share my husband’s philosophy (People. Are. Idiots!) I used to give morons the benefit of the doubt, but after 17 years with him I’m generally the one muttering, “Slack-jawed troglodyte!” and flipping the bird at the latest dumbass to cross my path. Go, fight, WIN! I’m totally going to stalk, I mean FOLLOW you!
Thank you for the comment on my blog!!
And this post is hilarious! I can’t wait to read more of what you have written and what you will write.
Hi LiLu!
I can see you’re very popular, and with good reason! This was such a fun post to read. It sounds like you have a very interesting life!
Thank you for commenting on The Jason Show today! And I’ll see you again soon. . .
I myself am a race walker. I’m also drunking around on your blog at 2am. Impressive.
Woooooooooow! I can’t believe someone as popular as you left me a comment!
omg! you’re more famous than Maxie! jhahahaha
thanks for stopping by
I hate people who walk really slow. I also hate it when people stop infront of escalators to chat when there are a billion people behind them.
Drives me insane.
Hubby says I ‘power’walk. I can’t help it…it’s my natural speed of walking! He’s always telling me to slow down and I’m turnung around telling him to please HURRY up!
I’m diggin’ your blog!!
sheila: I hate tourists on vacation too! Twinsies! And thanks
Connie: I’ve totally done it too. Good to know we’re not alone…
Sarah, TNG: I lived on E Hargett Street for a year. I know EXACTL what you mean!
Constructive Attitude: Thanks so much! I try.
Dr Zibbs: Well, DUH.
Acyd: Oh, me too. In my loudest, rudest voice.
raino: “like molasses in july” – I LOVE that! I’m totally going to yell it at some slowpoke the next time they’re in my way.
Shangrila: “Slack-jawed troglodyte: is officially my new favorite phrase.
Casey: Yay! Come on back anytime.
Jason: Aw, thanks! I’ll be back as well
Amber: Drunk blogging is the best, isn’t it? It’s the new drunk texting.
Thrice: You’re so sweet! I’ll be back
Cheryl: Chatters in the line of traffic should be shot on sight. Jesus said so.
Kylie: I totally powerwalk. I don’t care if I look like a dork… I got somewhere to BE!
A competitive walker. I swear I like you more and more with each post I read. We’re following you as of today.
Although your profile pic still scares me a bit, your approach to blogging is definitely not to be missed.
-Francesca
I know EXACTLY what you mean! I had crazy road rage even in a sleepy North Carolina town, and now that I’m in the District, I am a sidewalk rage artist. Solidarity!
woah! thaaaaaaaaank yoooou LiLuuuu
*imagine a whole class of 4 year olds saying that*
hi! thanks for the comment n droppin by my blog xoxo
I’m from MI where we also drive like insane people, but it works because we all do it. When I was in DC/Maryland for the inauguration I almost lost it a few times because people were driving without the insanity. So I feel you.
hey, jst gave u a blog awrd, check out my blog for details
I hate the whole ‘Hands Across America’ phenomenon on the sidewalks. Three people walking side-by-side who would rather push you into oncoming traffic than to separate for the nanosecond it takes for you to pass them.
I’ve found the best solution for this is to yell, “Red Rover!!!!” and charge at them with a crazy look in your eye. More often than not, they’ll move aside and let the batshit lady pass.
3 Bay B Chicks: Aww, thanks so much. That really means a lot to me.
Kat: SERENITY NOW!!!
Thrice: *hug*
FuN and MakeUp: Of course, dear.
Kim: During the Inaug I’m sure it was ESPECIALLY bad. I hid in my apartment.
cJs: Ummm, you totally rock my world. Thanks so much!
frecks: New game! Let’s get drunk on margaritas and play!
“They walk six abreast, with no intention of moving for the lone soldier trudging the other way.”
I have a great solution (in particular when they are coming at me). I just make eye contact briefly with the person on the wrong side, then just barrel straight on for the hole. They (sadly) always get the hint. Maybe it is the way that I drop my shoulders when I get really close. For a 250lb, 6ft fit man this works very well, since most people can do the physics of this collision and decide to quit. Might not work as well for you.
Yeah, I also get impatient when driving, although not to the level you’ve described.
In addition, I probably shouldn’t criticize your level of impatience, as I often (in the car) end up screaming about new laws they should implement to rid the roads of slow drivers, involving rocket lauchers and Berettas.
As for walking, I cannot say that I’m the same. I don’t like teams and lines of people hogging up the sidewalk because they think that no one in the world is in a rush (we should all come equipped with NFL signed linebackers to mow these people down), but when I’m walking with my iPod, I stroll in moderately fast gait.
I picked the best entry to discover your blog… because I am the same way. It doesn’t happen when I’m at home, because I’m from a small town. But when I’m on campus, it’s a completely different story. I secretly want to kick those slow walkers behind their knees.
you have no idea how much i relate to the sidewalk rage and the driving narcolepsy…
seriously. it’s good to know there are more of us out there, and we are not alone.
;o)
Daniel: I dunno… I’m Irish and scrappy. I’ll give it a try!
Samurai: You can totally criticize my level of impatience. I’ve come to terms with it
LovelyAnomaly: Campus was the WORST, especially because I went from MA to NC… godDAMN, it was like no one ever had anywhere to be!
calixta: Another narcoleptic! Cheers, love!
I saw a clip from Boondock Saints and that’s all I needed. I think I’m in love with you.
I am right there w/ you. I am an agressive speeding driver and you’d better get your ass out of my way unless you want me to tailgate you like a dog in heat. (Did that make sense? Regardless, it was fun to say).
dude. i totally relate. in the car, on the road, and walking. fuckers, GET OUT OF MY WAY!
They should designate the sidewalk just for you. All the rest of the morons can walk in the street and take their chances.
I do everything like a Masshole. Don’t even get me started about people blocking the whole aisle at the grocery store. I always wish I had a air horn with me.
Hahah, I remember navigating the streets of DC with all the tourists. It drove me nuts!
Lump: It shall be so. Veritas Aequitas!
Kellie: It made sense to me… (which isn’t saying much).
drollgirl: HELLS yeah!
Sarah: See? You get me.
Jenni: That’s the best friggin idea I’ve ever heard.
Mandy: It’s not just me… it’s awful!
The worst is when you get caught Urban Dancing. I always get the urge to either laugh or knock the other person the fuck out. Or both. Depends on my mood.
Masshole drivers rule!
Show off your pride in Masshole Authentic Apparel http://massholeproshop.com
Comments on this entry are closed.