Last week, I was at The Gibson with some uber fabulous ladies, when the conversation turned to the subject of being able to read people solely based on how they present and carry themselves.
This is, without trying to toot my own horn, something I’m pretty damn good at. It’s sort of unavoidable, honestly, after working in restaurants for as long as I have, and particularly because of bartending. Spending a decade in a job where your income depends solely upon your ability to read people means you can’t help but learn to notice their signals and nuances. Analyzing the decisions that people make when they choose how to dress, how to present themselves, how to walk, how to stand, how to approach, how to hit on, whether to hit on… every tiny little itty bitty thing that you do tells me a dozen things about the person that you are. (More details from a past bartending post here.)
It’s a bartender’s favorite game; someone enters, perhaps a couple, a group, a single- doesn’t matter- and we have a quick huddle and take bets on What Their Story Is.
“He’s a traveling (married) business man, meeting someone from Craigslist.”“Third date, she started dating him for the money, but she’s almost decided it’s not worth it.”
“They should have gotten divorced a year ago… they’ll probably pull the trigger in a couple months.”
“Back from Iraq. Beers are on us. One of the girls, go flirt with that boy. He’s earned it.”
“Blind date… he does this professionally. He’ll have her in bed tonight and she’ll never hear from him again.”
“Closeted frat boys. One girl and one boy double team them and show off the eye candy. A free round of jagerbombs and we’ll have every last penny from their pockets.”
Mind you, we know all this by the time you sit down at the bar. When you open your mouth, it’s just a matter of validation for us. Sure, we’re wrong sometimes, but not often. And after 30 seconds of actually talking to you, we’ve got you COMPLETELY figured out.
I’ve said before how much I love to people watch. While talking about this all with the girls last week, I mentioned that I’ve long since known that if I could have a super power, it would be some sort of handheld device that allowed me to point it at people and have all their stats, information, and life story pop up. You know, so I could check if my assumptions were right. Wouldn’t that be FASCINATING? Yeah, I thought so.
Because whether I’m 100% right, or whether I’m completely surprised… I just freaking love this game.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: People are fascinating animals.
Sidenote: Hilarious Snuggie post here! Ultimate Battle: The Snuggie vs. Slanket vs. Freedom Blanket vs. Blankoat
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I have worked in the restaurant business myself, and know exactly what you’re talking about. This cracked me up.
I’m the same way…Which a reason that I’m considering taking up bartending as a second job when I move into the city.
People watching and being SOCIAL are two of my favorite things.
So tell me Ms. Bartender…what would you say about me?
So, you want to be a Terminator?
Me too.
I think we’re soulmates.
Or cybernetic organism mates…
…or some shit like that.
I forgot where I was going with this.
I used to play a game like this with an ex-girlfriend. While sitting at the bar getting happy, we’d identify a couple or a group to analyze. We’d have their entire backstory – education (sometimes even what town/HS or college), relationship, job, if there are 3 of them what’s up with the 3rd wheel, etc…
But then after we had it all figured out, we’d actually go and start a conversation with them and find out the truth (without actually revealing the game, of course). Bonus points if you can get them to buy you a round.
It’s amazing how close we were sometimes…
So when I met you, you already knew about that thing with the person at the place, didn’t you? Amazing.
When I was in Poland, friends and I would sit at cafes and make up stories about the people that passed by. This was especially fun in the warmer months when we were sitting outside and the more scantically clad girls would walk by. These stories often involved vodka. Lots and lots of vodka.
I worked at a polling place for the 2004 primary election, we played this game but it was “Democrat or Republican”…
I love this game!
My favorite game like this is “gay or European”. It is quite tricky.
Hear, hear. I waitressed for six long years and bartended for two of them and like to think that I picked up a few tricks along the way (other than how to eat while walking around a dining room and pass off a fucked-up Bloody Mary as “a house Ceasar”).
That said, I’m constantly surprised by others. That’s what keeps life so interesting. That and sex.
I’m painfully shy at first, although that’s definitely receding the older I get, but a lot of people read me as a bitch at first. I tend to hide in the corner and not want anyone to notice me, but that’s because I’m a social re-re, not because I’m mean.
My dad, sister, and I used to play that game, except ours were just ridiculous. We’d have names and entire backstories for total strangers. Always cracked us up. My mom would just roll her eyes.
Does your superpower work to figure out everything about your lovely commenters, even though you don’t see us? Or can you guess what we’d look like?
I have always wanted to be a bartender but dammit, I’m too shy, and too clumsy. I would def drop bottles and break things for sure!!
Oooh I would LOVE that super-device. I’d relish in abusing it; in acting all psychic and freaking strangers out. Muah ha ha.
LOLs to Lem’s comment. “Gay or European.” Oh dear Lord. Lemme tell you how that was THE GAME in college. I had a gay friend hit on a straight Italian. It wasn’t pretty. Cops got involved.
I do this at school all the time, sitting outside (I mean, studying, of course) and watching the social groups come and go. The place is never short of people to speculate about.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall during one of these jaunts. I need to get out more and try my hand at this! School the amateur night.
I love playing this game at the airport. Where are they going? Why are they going there? What have they packed in their bag?!?!
Never was a bartender, but people watching is hilarious. Usually though it’s just me and my friends watching women.
A similar game that unfortunately no longer works is what Asian ethnicity and smoker or not. I could do this with 95% accuracy years ago, especially with women. We’d actually go ask them to allow us to chat them up. It does not work anymore. Modernization and makeup screwed it all up. Damn globalization!
I love, love, love playing that game. Especially in Central Park.
Ha… it is simple numbers game. Those in the biz just see more. Now the real trick is to guess the stories of waiters, waitresses, and bartenders based on the manner in which they try to swindle you, ahem, encourage you to spend your money.
I challenge you to a people watching duel!
When I was little I really wanted to be a waitress (I practiced in my play kitchen all the time) but I never had the opportunity. LOOK WHAT I WAS MISSING OUT ON!
But yes, this is an awesome game!
I love people watching too and playing this game where ever I go. You are so right, people are fascinating animals!
People watching IS fun! Hubby and I try to guess what people’s names are by looking at them. Oh, he’s a Joe. She’s a Marlene. We also guess how long they’ve been together. Fun stuff!
I wonder what people’s blogs say about them!
I love this game. I do it when I’m on the bandstand playing background music, and at other times too. When I was working on ships it was kind of fun to reconfirm my initial impressions because I’d see most of the people several times over the course of the cruise, if not every single day. As a bartender you have a chance to actually talk to them so although it removes some of the “mystery” you get to find out that you were right!
I love this game and play it on the regular, but never knew how intense it was in the bar/restaurant industry.
I’ll be paying far more attention next time I’m out.
I love to people watch! But I don’t know if I’ve ever tried to guess their life story. I just judge them.
I always suspected that you were a judgmental beeyatch underneath that loving “my house is your house” exterior. I feel so … used. *sniff*
Oh we are SO going to dominate the sleeved-blanket market!!!
i love people watching too, but mostly the crazy ones… i mean, not talking about you chickies, I mean the weird people, bums, older folk and that sort of thing… they are interesting to look at, i dont know why lol
people watching is a full time sport that i can always get behind. i think having worked in the restaurant bizz is part of it, combo’d with our psych backgrounds, and mix in our affinity for figuring people out, it makes sense.
can’t wait to people watch with you in may!
I love people watching too. One of the reasons why I love going to Sturgis so much. You should see the people there. Seriously. Plus the beer. The beer is I guess the main reason why I like it there b/c EVERYONE is drinking. It’s totally my element. Minus the assless chaps.
I can always pick out teachers or school employees in a crowd. I don’t know what the vibe is, but it is definitely there.
i love this game!! i used to do this with an ex. we’d grab lunch and sit on a bench downtown and analyze everyone who walked by. FUN.
During my days in the service industry, I just used to assume that everyone I served was an asshole. I ended up being right about 85% of the time.
I’d like to think I have somewhat of people reading skills…like you said working in the hospitality/restaurant business you start to pick up on people.
I know what game I want to play with you tonight.
Lol read me, read me..tell me what customer I am, I can take it :p
HA HA HA!!!! I was a server for years, then a bartender for a decade and then a GM…. Get someone who has spent years in the bar biz & we can read you like a freaking mega watt lit up billboard.
For those of you who don't play this game with the accuracy & skill of "Superbar" (like Superman but way more late nights) you are missing out!!!
Hmm.. I love to people-watch, but as I think about it, I don’t so much like the idea of being on the other end. I hate to think I’m so transparent a bartender or waitress could read me and my life’s story in 30 seconds.
But, maybe that’s just my ego talking. I’m probably easier to read than a first-grader primer.
People really ARE fascinating and I LOVE LOVE LOVE people watching. And yanno, I like to toot my own horn every once and again too, because I am all kinds of awesome at reading folks.
Yeah, sometimes I’m wrong. But that’s RARE.
Shannon: It’s so true, isn’t it?
PQ: A good bartender never tells…
moooooog35: “Cybernet Organism Mates”… sounds like a helluva porno.
Jamie: I love doing that too- going to talk to them to see if you’re right. You can’t tell them what you’re up to, though… it skews their answers…
f.B: But I’ll never tell. Your secret’s safe with me.
Lexiloo: MMMMMM… vodka… sorry, what were you saying?
Desiree Aubigny: That’s a good one too… it must get pretty easy after a while!
Lemmonex: So, which am I? Oh, you mean GUYS…
Racquel Valencia: Being surprised came to be my favorite part of the job after a while. And sex is awesomely delicious.
Just A Girl: Painfully shy? I would crack you like a walnut, girl. Just come visit.
Dr. H: I have conceptions, definitely… I LOVE meeting internet peops IRL to see if I’m right!
Briana: Clumsy? I can promise you that is NOT a problem. Cough cough. Shy, however, most definitely would be. But you could just get liquored up first.
magda: Wouldn’t it be the awesomest??
Mb: I feel like there’s a whole post in there…
inkpuddle: Good spots like that are priceless. I always want to Twitter what I’m thinking when I walk down the street.
Sassy Britches: Hells yes! Let’s do it!
ifihadtopickfive: Oh, the airport is one of the BEST! Love it!
thebmt: Damn globalization? But what about the interwebbies?
Kate: Central Park has got to be one of the best spots in the WORLD for this. You never know what you’re gonna see there…
[F]oxymoron: Challenge ACCEPTED! But how do we know we’re right?
Miss Musing: You can play even if you’re not a bartender. We just had to pass the time somehow
smiles4u: They really, really are.
Jules: I know, right? We should all do a post that’s like, comment and tell me what you think I look like… well, for those of you who are anonymous.
Cyndy: Oh, that would be so much fun from a stage, looking at a sea of people. But yes, I definitely loved that as a bartender I had an excuse to “check” and see if I was right?
Liebchen: If they’re really good bartenders, you won’t notice a thing…
Kristina P: Isn’t it the same thing?
Fearless: Oh, woman, please. You KNOW you’re on the Judgey side with me!
Maxie: I KNOW! Eff all the other blankets! The Slelvet is coming to town!
PorkStar: The crazies are fun, but hard to figure out, being abberations and all.
brookem: You’re so right- it’s definitely all those combining factors. We just can’t help it!
Kellie: Ummm… I am getting my ass to Sturgis this year, apparently.
nancypearlwannabe: Interesting. Maybe they give off a pheromone…
Alice: YES! Best game ever!
BeckEye: You were. It’s better at the bar… not much, but better.
Lil’ Woman: You really do. If you want to make money…
freckledk: Rowwwwwr!
insomniaclolita: Ha. Sensuous, fun-loving, and most importantly, a good tipper.
repliderium: “we can read you like a freaking mega watt lit up billboard” HELLS freaking yeah!
hannahjustbreathe: Some people definitely are mysterious and take more to figure out… they’re just few and far between.
Deutlich: We SO need to do this together. Like tonight.
I used to travel a lot, and loved people watching at the airport. I would always try and figure out their lives.
I’ll remember this the next time I’m trying to figure out the tip when I’m eating out.
I LOVE THAT GAME.
I also enjoy:
Hoe or not a Hoe (This game is Vegas specific)
Dressed in the dark or Intentional
I also love to pretend to be my bestie’s lesbian lover when she is being hit on by a total douchebag. The fact that we have made out before opens the door to a totally convincing back story.
I feel you on this. Working in the ER will do the same, especially when trying to figure out who is bullshitting you or not.
not only are people ‘fascinating animals’ as you say, this is quite a fascinating post. tell me, can you tell what a person is like by how and what they write in their blog? lol if so, yikes!
I bar tended for years and it was the same with people watching but with a wee twist
1. He’s gonna be flat on his arse after the fourth pint
2. He’s gonna be barfing before 10pm
3. She’s gonna be “getting them out for the lads” by midnight
4. He’s gonna be crying into his pint in a minute
Aye Bonnie Scotland at it’s best!
hey, sweets! what day were you at the gibson? i was there thursday night with the new boy. i’m craving another salad days sour
let’s go!
i always say that i could be “the arrogant bastard” on jay leno but i’d be called the “arrogant bitch” i’m that good too.
it’s pretty ridiculous. i honed my skills via serving/b-tending as well
it’s a gift, which is probably why i don’t have a BF at the moment. i can smell BS a mile away.
I’ll take the closeted frat boy off your hands.
Wait what?
i’ve never been in the industry, but have had enough customer service jobs to be able to know immediately how to get somebody to like me
usually i don’t employ my superpowers as it involves smiling and talking to strangers and i’m one of those “painfully shy” people you always hear about. like…it actually hurts
“oh no, i have to talk to a stranger OUCH! SHY!”
Reason #1 why bartenders can pretty much walk into any position and at least make a go of it.
You have some seriously useful life skillz there.
I used to tend bar and played the same game. In fact I still do.
Kahuna has never met a stranger and will go up and confirm their story. He is amazed how many times I’m right.
I absolutely LOVE to people watch, and they absolutely HATE it when I do. =P
I love people watching too. Sometimes people think I am shy because I’m quiet in groups, but it’s usually just because I am analyzing everyone. Ha. Good thing I am a (almost) psychologist!
That’s me when riding the metro. I can only imagine what people conclude about me.
That is really, really interesting. I wish I’d known you in my single days. I’d have met all my Match first dates at your bar and had you size them up for me.
It’s a little bit freaky how (most) people can be figured out so easily. Just by looking at them! Crazy.
i kind of love when people figure my shit out spot on mostly because many people never do…
not that i’m doubting your abilities.
Skyler’s Dad: Exactly! The airport is PERFECT.
FoggyDew: We mean well…
WickedCourtni: “Dressed in the dark or Intentional”!!!!! LOVE IT!!!
justjp: I can imagine it would definitely come in handy when you’re doling out the meds…
raino: I like to think so… but not nearly as much.
fiona: I waited on all those people too! Over and over and over again…
Venomiss88: THURSDAY!!! 7:30-9! I bet we were there together and didn’t even know it! Let’s definitely go back.
alexa: BS is pretty rank. I don’t blame you.
Ben: My college gbf, Thomas, literally had his pick when I was bartending…
sour: That’s a serious superpower, though! You could RULE THE WORLD!
Kate CH: It’s so true. We are creatures of fluidity, adaptation… and sass. Lots o sass.
Gladys: You have the gift!
Nicole: The trick is to be all stealthy about it. Unless they’re gross or rude… then unleash the scorn!
Jackie: Exactly… I’m quiet when I meet people for the first time. It ain’t cause I’m shy…
Miss Scorpio: The Metro is GREAT for this. Especially at odd hours…
Lisa: Yes! That's actually a great idea. Too bad I'm not still tending, I could help some ladies out
Zandria: (most) is right, darlin. YOU know.
Julie_Gong: Some people are definitely tougher than others, my little enigma. <3
When John and I first started dating…. we played this game EVERYTIME we went out… we used to joke that we would start bringing notebooks and write a “Do and NOT to Do” book…
Wait…
We STILL do this when we go out! Some of the best times we’ve had is when we sit back and just enjoy the people!
I love this post- mostly because I played this game last weekend and it had disastrous results. See this week’s TMI for more info!
I can read people really well too, so I know what you’re saying. Oh, and us customers judge you bartenders just as much.
this is why i love my job. i’m a recruiter so i get paid to judge people, ask them a million questions, and talk about them behind their backs.
our policy is that everyone gets a 45 min interview, too bad since i can accurately judge them in 5
If only you were still a bartender.
I would love to walk intop a bar and have you figure me out. You would be buying me drinks, because I could completely stump you. (Shallange)
p.s. No, I’m not a 65 year old man.
people watching at the state fair tops iit all. sit on a bench with your footlong hot dog and you’re good to go. videocamera optional.
i love the state fair, if you couldn’t tell.
Can we play this game next time we go out? Awesome.
I wish I had this power!!!
You rock.
Miles To Go: YESSS that’s what I’m talking about!
Dmbosstone: Can’t wait for it!
surviving myself: I am a customer too, love. I know.
lustyreader: OOOO… I would be SO good at that job!
Patty Duke: 14 year old boy?
cavy: We are going to the Duchess County Fair in NY in August. Put it on your calendar.
Marie: YES and YES.
Soda and Candy: It was hard-earned, my dear. But worth it.
People watching is pretty awesome and it would be pretty cool if their stats came up like on Pop Up Video. Just in general you would know if wanted to totally hang out with someone or completely stay away cause they are a psychopath.
On a weird side note this topic made me think back to highschool when my friends and I sat on a bench outside the mall and watched people drive over speed bumps. It was so funny watching how retarded people looked bobbling their heads and bodies going over the bumps. Maybe its cause we were stoned…
I have the same desire, only it takes the form of Wonder Woman’s truth lasso.
I think I share every embarrassing thing on my blog because I’m always hoping to find someone else who will reciprocate. Like you!
This reminds me of being a stripper. I guess bartenders and strippers are sort of the same, except one is naked.
yup, i am fer SURE a people watcher. love it. never really thought how i came across to bartenders. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I’m not good at reading people. In fact I’m frequently told I’m too oblivious to even know I’m in the bar. Some call that spacey, I call it attentionally challenged.
Girl, I am 100% with you on this. I also used to be amazing with an over/under on the tip left. I once had like a 40+ streak! Those were the days…
Best game ever. Even when not in a bar.
Someone’s gotta figure out a similar game for the blogosphere.
LiLu, you should host a reality show. Seriously. And it would be a good one.
i completely agree…and I posess this skill too….we are all fucked up in some way, making the game that much more fun!
i thought they broke the mold when they made me – apparently not. but people rarely get us ex-bartenders figured out. at least not right away. it’s a gift.
I am SUCH a people watcher/analyser. I’m usually right too.
It’s so much fun. People are indeed the best entertainment.
Of course my dear, you could not write so well if you did not find most people so transparent, and with an apology in advance to all of you of that gender, especially men. My greatest delight however is being what (Saving) Grace calls, “the mystery in the room”. My second greatest is finding the very occasional one I cannot figure out.
there was a show in the late ’80s called ‘quantam leap’ and they used this hand held device that would spit out stats like you mentioned. sure wish those suckers actually existed.
Ha! You lose. Where’s my drink?
lol…it reminds me back in the day playing boxers or briefs at Blockbuster! I miss those days.
So on the subject of armed blankets… I saw a Snuggie Pub Crawl two weekends ago in Louisville, KY. People (lots!) in Snuggies, out, at bars, in public. And the best part? The Snuggies were decorated. I saw several that had been bedazzled, and one with a feather boa sewed on.
It made my night and I immediately thought of you!
a natural personality reader, amazing! i would love to be able to do that.
Kimberly: YES! Omg… Pop Up video for people! I love it. As long as only I could see it
Steam Me Up: My favorites are definitely the ones who air their dirty undies, like us. Wait what?
BWP: I did wear some crazy outfits sometimes…
drollgirl: You will next time you’re out, guaranteed
JPP: Attentionally challenged is the new black.
Judgey Girl: Oh, HELL yes. I can guess the tip 99% of the time, I’d bet.
emma: Ooooo… I think you might be onto something FANTASTIC.
Cottage Cheese: Show me where to sign!
margelina: Exactly! Always assume the worst. It’s way funnier.
Claire: Hmmm. I smell a CHALLENGE!
Kez: They really, really are.
Spellbound: “The mystery in the room”… I like that. I put it all out there, but I have some surprises too
Ella: Oh, man… so do I!
Patty Duke: Here you go *spills drink*
Caroline: And NOW, boxers, briefs, OR boxerbriefs?? It’s crazy!
Wearer of Socks: I’m so honored! I was thinking the other day… I wonder if people think of me when they see that damn Snuggie commercial now? This is awesome!
Violet: I just wish I had the FULL power!
“Aunt Flo” I love it!
Not Aunt Flo. Just the saying.
Damn you for this post.
Last night, hubby and I grab a drink at this bar before the play and the first thought running through my head was your post.
After sorting your possible scenarios the bartender might surmise about us, I realized you forgot one: This bar is next to the theatre and the hubby is clearly being dragged to see a play he doesn’t want to.
He must really love her and she owes him!
Upside: you’ll almost never learn enough about them to prove yourself right or wrong.