So, I had a fucking fabulous St. Paddy’s Day. And here’s why…
My $2 diddly-boppers. What are those things called? I can never remember.
Maxie, have I ever told you that I love your boobs? BECAUSE I DO. Keep em coming.
B and his work wife, birthcontroljill, showing us how it’s done.
I was lucky enough to finally meet the very darling PrincessQuello.
Hey! Who’s spying on us? Hi, Marie!
This is what happens when our server sucks and we have to take our booze consumption into our own hands… (This is also pre-Stanky Legg dance, of which I have video.)
I’m just gonna let this one speak for itself…
Isn’t he darling? I keep him around because he looks this good in hats.
If you’re not in the pics, it’s only because I didn’t know if you were cool with associating yourself with me… you know, on the interwebs. Julie, Liebchen, Marie, I-66, fantabulous to see you as always! PQ, f.B & Miss Bianca, Jackie & hubs, and Sweet Bea, it was a blast to meet you. Maxie, thank you SO much for coming all the way down from West Virginia!!! It A) made my night and B) I’m really glad B got to meet you, yanno, OTHER than in our bed.
Thanks so much everyone!
Needless to say, I was in great spirits this morning, despite the slightly fuzzy-head feeling. I was a block away from our apartment (i.e. RESIDENTIAL AREA), talking to my dad on the phone like I do every morning, when a car started to inch out of a driveway. He slowed, so I kept walking… and felt his car bump against my leg.
He looked up, clearly shocked to see me. I gave him the “arms-in-the-air-WTF?”, and kept walking. The guy pulled out into the street alongside me, and shouted,
“Maybe you should get off the fucking phone and watch where you’re going!”
SERIOUSLY?!?
“First of all, I DID watch to see your car slow down, and SECOND of all, I am a goddamn pedestrian in a residential neighborhood! I’m pretty sure it’s YOUR job not to hit ME, asswipe.”
“Come over here and say that, cunt!” Are you. Effing. SERIOUS. This nerdy white guy was NOT getting away with that.
“You’re the one in the car, you fucking twat! Why don’t you just drive off to work and try not to pick up any dead bodies on the way?” (It then occured to me that my father had just heard me call someone a ‘fucking twat’, but what are you gonna do?)
Just then, the homeless guy on the corner who I had thought was incapacitated jumped up and LUNGED at the guy’s car.
“ANIMAL CRACKERS!!!” He screamed, standing at the car’s open window. The asshole quickly put his car into gear and tried inching forward.
“FISH SCALES!!!” My domestically-challenged friend barked, wagging his finger indignantly. The jerk stepped on it and zoomed away, leaving us in peace. I thanked Mr. Animal Cracker with the five spot in my pocket, apologized to my father for yelling obscenities in his ear, and managed to get to work without getting run over.
Sigh. Just another day in the life of LiLu.
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what a day! erin go braugh. fo shizzle.
I rarely actually LOL while reading blogs at work, but that was hilarious. B should be glad the bums are looking out for you!
People in DC are so lovely, aren’t they? It’s kind of like last week when I fell onto the street (Penn SE, to be exact) by the metro. I was on the ground, on all fours, and nobody stopped to see if I was okay. Even better, some guy literally stepped over my bag, which had fallen next to me. Yes, he stepped over my bag, but didn’t ask if I was okay, which I was (mostly), but that’s not the point.
You are far braver then I am, for yelling at the guy, because I called this guy a wanker under my breath, but nobody heard me.
PS. I love those silly headband thingies
I just forwarded your blog to Josh so he could read it, I’m pretty sure Animal Crackers and Fish Scales are going to be the new explatives in our house.
This just gave me a fit of the giggles and I have a conference call in 3 minutes.
I’m so working “ANIMAL CRACKERS!!!” into regular conversation today.
Ugh, I may or may not still be on my couch. But, at least I had a fun night!
BTW, this story is hysterical!
Crying…laughing so hard. Must. Breathe. Maybe he’s the father of Hongree Lady’s imaginary baby?
Excuse me while I go change my adult undergarments.
Do you have some mace or pepper spray? I think you’re little mouth is going to need some backup. As if I’m one to talk…
while I’m sad I missed it, I’m also proud of myself for stickin’ to my sleep schedule. i was afraid after my tipsy birthday festivities I wouldn’t wanna go to the gym – but I ended up doing better than expected AND hit another milestone.
yes.
i’m bragging.
Animal crackers! They are tasty and the perfect expletive. Well done, hobo.
Man, good for you. Whenever some fucking twat makes comments like that to me I always freeze up and can’t think of anything to say and then rage in silence.
I am not surprised. Our neighborhood is full of the weirdness. I went for a run last night and ran into the same homeless guy who always asks me “how many miles today love?” I tell him and he high fives me. A homeless man makes me feel good about myself. Wow.
this is the best post i have ever read.
once while in vegas i saw a man with a sign that said… why lie.. i need beer.
priceless.
havnt you ever seen “Friday”? You’re suppose to fall down and feign injury to exploit money from people, like that dude in the corner store.
That would’ve taught him to be a dickhead!
PS your st pattys day rocked. I was at home. Watching dancing with the stars. Stood up by my friend. First year since i was 21. =(
OMG I’m super jealous I wasn’t in DC last night to take part in the festivities!! You’ll just have to promise fun times when you come to Boston! So funny about your dad hearing you call the guy a fucking twat and SO uncool that he called you a cunt (not your dad lol the ass that hit you).
YOU SHOULD HAVE YELLED BACK, “COCK LACES!!!”
It was the perfect opportunity and you blew it!
Last night was fucking awesome. I can’t believe I only had four beers and had that much fun. Maybe I don’t need alcohol….
PSYCH!
One more reason to love hobos. As if I needed one.
Also, kudos for being able to think so quick on your feet. Rage tends to render me mute.
You seriously make my day. EVERY DAY.
I loved meeting you…and getting to kiss you on the cheek of course!! Hopefully, next time I won’t have to leave early and uh…will be able to pay attention to everyone in the room.
xoxo
Neighbor bums are a give and take relationship. And what kind of cum dumpster yells a girl he almost hit? GAY!
And tonight? WILL BE BETTER!!!!!!!!
you have GOT to be kidding me.
only in DC!
Hahaha. I always do the “arms-in-the-air-WTF?” but I think I might freeze if there was actually some follow up. And I love the back up from the homeless guy. Always lookin’ out.
OMG!
Who says that chivalry is dead? It just has its own language – animal crackers and fish scales must be code for something profound in homeless lingo.
cavy: It never ends… and I love it.
Kristin: I hope you were drinking your coffee
Lexiloo: Once when I was at Rumors, a guy literally shoved me and I landed flat on my ass. He looked at me and turned away without so much as an apology, nevermind a helping hand. People are fucktards sometimes.
The Maiden: Oh, ours too, I'm sure! That is priceless.
belle: Just be careful when you're biting their heads off! GETTIT?!
Jackie: You called in? I'm so jealous!
Fearless: He is DEFINITELY related to Hongree. No doubt in my mind.
Miss Scorpio: I keep thinking that I should get one. My mouth is the muscle, but my brain needs to catch up…
Deutlich: Go you! For serious, love, I'm proud of ya.
Lemmonex: I don't think he knows what he's started. We're going to be yelling that for months.
jo: My problem is the rage takes over my mouth. Sorry, dad…
Mb: I always forget you live near me! It is fascinating, isn't it??
Jeanna: I think I dated that guy in high school… and Welcome!
Fizzgig: Yanno, my back is a little sore… should have gotten his plates!
Kristen: We definitely need to plan some sort of outing when I'm up there for Memorial Day!
Maxie: OH GOD, I can't believe I missed that chance!!! I'll never have another one that good…
Racquel Valencia: Mute probably doesn't get you killed, though… which I probably should have been a few times over.
PQ: There will definitely be a next time, and you need to ditch that curfew! <3
justjp: He was quite the cuntnugget himself.
Katherine: BEER AND BRATS GALORE!
WTF is wrong with people? I work in a plaintiff personal injury law firm if your leg starts to hurt all of a sudden… You’re limping right now, aren’t you?
What a rooster’s cock (I made that one up yesterday). Good to know homeless guy helped out.
It was awesome seeing you again! Now stay away from nerdy white boys for the rest of the day.
I’m slightly scared of you right now.
That’s hilarious.
I’m going to put Animal Crackers! on a t-shirt.
And I’m proud of you for calling him a twat – you’re a girl after my own profane heart.
Maybe I shouldn’t be afraid of the bums after all!
Now I’m sad I miss this chance to meet people like me!
FISH SCALES to the rescue!!!!!!!!! I love it!
At least you live in the kind of neighborhood where your expletives are welcome.
Is it bad that I get a bit jealous when bloggers get to hang out with each other? And of course, I can’t go to the Meet-Up in June.
Sadness abounds.
“Fish scales”? Seriously?
Oh my god, THE TEARS! I am laughing SO HARD!
And by the by, I love Maxie’s boobs, too.
Jessica: My neighborhood is special, that’s for sure.
Liebchen: The follow-up is a little risky, but it’s usually worth it, I think.
LMB: If I could crack that code, I’d have my own ARMY!
JoLee: I am! It’s my left. I mean my right. Oh shit…
Marie: That’s going to be very, very hard to do where I work…
Kristina P: Just don’t try to run me over, and we should be just fine
Malnurtured Snay: I thought so.
freckledk: Can you put “fancy ham” on the back of that? It’s like Shaw in a T-shirt!
Dmbosstone: Next time, definitely!
charlotteharris: It was one of those priceless moments I will cherish forever.
Kate: I don’t think I could live somewhere where they weren’t. At least not safely.
theoddduckling: When I was sending the email, I was all Oooh! Kendall! Oh wait… You def need to come visit!
Kate: Maxie’s boobs make the world go round. It’s science.
Oddduckling – I feel your pain. My fave bloggers are in DC and I’m in Atlanta, woe is me.
LiLu – I wish I was as quick thinking as you are with your comebacks (even if your dad did hear you call someone a twat – great word btw – I haven’t really heard it since the 5th grade). And it just goes to show that sometimes superheros come from all walks of life. Glad your sassy ass didn’t get bumped too hard and that you’re still with us
Nice pics, I am particularly fond of the “two in the pink, one in the stink” sign.
Fish Scales!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I had your mad comeback skills. I would’ve flicked him off and said something oh so poignant like, “Fuck off” and went on my merry way. Yours was so much better.
reminds me of the Seinfeld were Kramer and Newman are looking to hire a bum to pull the rickshaw, and when Kramer asks the one if he’s ready to try it out, he yells “THE GOVERNMENT!” Then walks away.
Oh man! Why did I never think of using kid’s treats as a swear word? Animal crackers is awesome!
Good times, good times! : )
i wish we could have celebrating st. patty’s together. we’ll do a faux irish thing in may.
you keep giving me more reasons to want to move to DC!
i love the word twat. good call on using it!!
i cant wait to shout ANIMAL CRACKERS!! in my meeting today
xoxo
I love it! The homeless guy scared him off.
OMG! That was hilarious. I just laughed out loud in a very quiet library area. HAHA! What an asshole. And what a nice homeless man… Animal Crackers, it kills me.
lol the bums are looking out for ya, oh goodness, see? Guardian angels don’t always have to look young and white and crispy. Seems like the ecenomy might be hitting hard up in the heavens, so they are downhere as bums checking some tail out and yelling animal cracker obscenities. lol
If your life was a musical, that’s when you and homeless guy would break into “I can be your hero baby, I can wash away your tears” and probably at some point he would wrap his arms around you from behind and you would sway together and look dreamily up to the sky.
Good for you! What a tremendous asshole! You could’ve fallen on the ground and threatened litigation. He should be way more careful.
And, um, what did your dad say when you got back on the phone?
Great ped story, and glad to hear it was just a tap and he didn’t leave you any tire tracks.
I used to live out in the ‘leith and getting to school required walking to campus through the Reservoir Road entrance. Drivers always thought they had the right of way, even though the nice gentleman on the crosswalk sign indicated otherwise.
I had several near misses and miscues, a few mild to heated verbal exchanges, but always no harm, real foul.
Your encounter reminded me of a not-so-lucky friend who was tapped at the Reservoir Road intersection one day. He was understandably angry and hit the hood of the car leaving a sizeable dent in the benz. The driver didn’t say a word and my friend didn’t hurt his hand, thus preserving the karmic balance of the world.
i am distraught, I missed the happy hour, picked up our dogs THREE hours late from daycare and didn’t have an ounce of booze the entire night.
for what did i sacrifice the best holiday ever? to buy a car.
sorry i missed the happy hour, next time. I want to party with people who wear those doohickey things on their heads
So I think the next time I need to curse in public I’ll just yell “Animal Crackers!”.
Glad you are OK. This is why I think the homeless in DC are the best. There should be a contest.
the LACES!
But seriously: how do you challenge a pedestrian you hit? Just gives me more time to get the plate number, jackass.
THIS is what i love most about crazy people!
Wow! Your life is so entertaining. I love it. And I’m glad you didn’t get killed.
PLT: I wish you were here too! And twat is an EXCELLENT word. I should use it more often
SkylersDad: That’s my Jill, keepin it klassy!
Jaxie: I’m sure I threw a Fuck Off out there too. Sorry pops…
surviving myself: And one of them stole the rickshaw, right? Oh, Seinfeld. How to you relate to my life in every little way?
Sarah: It’s the new ‘goddammit’. And non-blasphemous too!
Lil’ Woman: They were indeed
brookem: Oh hell YES we will! I can’t wait!
SLGinger: Move already! This city needs more sass.
suicide_blond: I know you will, too.
Gladys: He was ferocious. I don’t know where it came from!
Stephanie: It’s okay. Your library probably needed a little laughter.
PorkStar: I should have berated him for his foul language. Then we ALL would have been confused.
Steam Me Up: And then I would get the clap. Stanky Legg style.
Lisa: Honestly? Not much. He’s used to my potty mouth. Plus, his baby girl was almost killed! Foul language was definitely called for.
JFo: I always wanted to do that, but I’m kind of afraid they would take out a gun and shoot me. It IS the karmically fair thing to do, though!
Heidi: I wish you could have made it, but a new car is a good excuse. Next time, love!
thebmt: “Animal Crackers”! Sweeping the nation faster than the Snuggie OR the Stanky Legg.
Claire: I know, right? They keep life interesting.
f.B: I know! I was ALMOST struck dumb by his audacity… ALMOST.
LACES!!!
I’l get five bucks for just screaming out food phrases related to animals?
BEAR CLAWS! SWEDISH FISH!
Please send money.
lol, fucking twat. im going to add that my list of insult
Oh you crazy DC bloggers!!
LOL! LiLu, you truely have a great pair of brass balls (or brass vagina) That jerk-off in the car definitely deserved to have you and the homeless guy give him hell!
hahaha, i’m so glad you yelled back! i would have kicked his car or chucked something at his windshield. asshole.
Yay for boobs and hats! And bicurious cheek kissing!
Ummm, I’M GONNA NEED TO BE THAT HOMELESS GUYS FRIEND.
Seriously. That’s fucking BRILLIANT. Just lunge at the guys car like a crazy person – someone like that wants to avoid the crazy cooties for sure.
And what kind of a human being hits someone with their car, says something like that, and doesn’t think “Hmm… I’m an asswipe. I’ve murdered someone and now I’m yelling at them for getting the knife dirty”.
Fucker.
DO NOT KILL MY LILU.
That happened to my cousin once and he just, in a split second of improv, flung his entire body onto the hood of the car and just stayed there for a minute. It was the greatest thing I’d ever seen.
looks like you and maxie had SO MUCH FUN!!!! i wish i could join in =( and goddamn it her boobies are HUUUUUUGE!!! i need some of that haha
That was freakin’ hysterical! Things like that really happen and they happen to you!
Your St. Pat’s night looked absolutely amazing as does your friend’s ample boobage. I envy girls that look like girls.
rs27: Well, you also have to save my life. But I might have a piece of candy in my pocket I can send your way.
Chicapicante: It is a good one.
LBluca77: You’re just jealous!
Hannah: Let’s go with brass hoo-ha! I like the sound of that.
lucklys: I totally should have thrown something. But I already had my phone in my hand…
Muppet Soul: Don’t worry, love. It’s going to take more than a nerdy white guy in a Hyundai to take me down!
Nothing like this ever happens to me. I’m confused as to how people have this much fun in public. With alcohol involved.
Tabitha: I missed you! I’m so sorry! Sometimes a comment comes through right as I’m responding.
Anyhoo, if you think this shiz is entertaining on here, you should see the hot mess I am IRL!
Jaime: Alcohol is the social lubricant! Just add beer.
You had the balls to say that to the driver? You are my new hero!
yay yay yay! love this! i almost get hit by assholes in Cary on a daily basis while im running—and I scream a lot too
i do need a homeless advocate tho…
I was involved in a similar incident, when my husband, who looks like an ex linebacker walks up in the middle of it and asks if there is a problem. And for some strange reason the little @#$% just shut up and like… left just walked away or maybe ran. Real strange(scratching head).
Fucking twat indeed. I just cried laughing…I’m glad most of the bosses are gone. Sooomeday, I’m coming to DC. And sooomeday, I will be at a bar getting obscenely drunk. I vote you come participate. And PQ will, of course, be there because she’s mah bitch.
You two are adorable.
I wish I had a blog when I was young and single. Back then my friends and I just sent each other e-mails. So archaic. (Of course we still do because we are like grandmas who still write letters).
As for your story – it brings back many memories of growing up in DC… Except for the obscenities – I’ve never been much of a potty mouth. I do miss living in the city.
SoMi’s Nilsa: He was a fucknugget. He had it coming.
Meredith: If anyone down there DARES touch you, I will come down there and kick their ass myself!!!
Patty Duke: That’s so weird… I can’t imagine why
Just A Girl: Yes. Yes. and YES! Make it happen, lover!
Kate CH: I’m honestly really glad I have this sort of journal of how we met… hopefully I’ll be chronicling our adventures for years to come.
Not only do I laugh my ass off reading about your super fun morning but at all the comments people leave. I fucking love descriptors like cum dumpster and thanks for reminding me of fucktard, a personal favorite. I forget sometimes cause I hang out with my kids all day how much I love to swear. You’ll have to thank your homeless hero for me, he has now added some great new swears to my repetoire that are preschool friendly.
BTW that guy was probably the poster child for fucktards everywhere.
How fun!!!! Looks like the ONLY thing missing was the Mom pin…..
“fucking twat” is the best phrase in the profanity arsenal ever.
I’m impressed that you told off the driver. I’m a wimp – I stick with evil eyes and pit bulls in spike collars, ha.
Oh, and fucknugget = brilliance, with a side of giggles. I can’t wait to use that one on someone.
OMG, my poor LiLu! I would have stood in front of the car and dared the asshole to run me over!
I am glad you are okay. What did your dad say?
Nice! Homeless people can come in handy…reminds me of a post I need to write! Glad you are okay…what an asshole!
i’m so bummed i didn’t make it into dc last night! boo!!!
on the other hand, i sounded like a deranged frog after losing my voice yesterday, so it’s probably better not to meet people sounding like that.
what a great fuckin time! i get so sad when i see you and maxie having to much fun.
and yes, her boobs are delightful.
great pics and it looks like you all had a great time…good for you!
I can’t believe that guy had the nerve to say something like that to you…Isn’t pedestrians have the right of way like the number one rule of learning to drive…his license needs to be jacked right from his hands!
the stupid Jackass!
Glad your ok tho.
I’m gonna be nicer to the homeless guys around my neighborhood from now on. You never know when you might need one to pop an animal cracker in some prick’s ass.
Thank you for that LAUGH! seriously. i needed it and animal crackers pulled through. stupendous!
I wish I had an awesome story like Mr. Animal Cracker. Alas, I worked all day as a bar server… ick.
I do not walk my kids around Cairo because traffic is so stupid.. seriously, road fatalities are too high… I have been bumped by careless drivers and getting hit in the truck happens so often we often forget about, even if the hit is hard enough to leave a mark by the time we get to our destination.
I’m sure your father was relieved that you weren’t mad at him anyway. I’m thinking the bum is actually pretty smart. If he had yelled obscenities it would have escalated the situation because he would have just been an angry bum and fair game, but no body wants to mess with a crazy person. It’s brilliant really.
Really sorry I missed the St Paddy party. I actually considered driving to NOVA after work, getting plastered with the cool kids, and making it back to work in Richmond by 7 am the next day, but my husband is not at all understanding about me staying out all night drinking. Double sigh.
LOL…. I am seriously laughing while sitting at my desk…
I had a guy bump into me while I was walking in a parking lot my first thing was to say “don’t worry, I’m ok”
to which he replied “I don’t give a shit about you, I’m worried about my headlight. watch where your going next time you idiot”
“oh really?!” then I kicked in his headlight
that of course lead to a fantastic argument, great use of the “f” word and I got to see a grown man cry.
I think when someone hits you with a car they lose the right to get mad at you…. that is unless you kick in their headlight after…LOL
Kimberly: I do have the best commenters EVER, don’t I?
Jules: I know!!! I need one!
Emily: Agreed, 100%. I’m proud of that one.
inkpuddle: Fucknugget is gold. Pure GOLD.
Violet: Eh, he’s used to it from me
margelina: Glad I could inspire you! Or at least, that the asshole could. Ha!
Alice: I’M so bummed you didn’t make it! Next time, definitely, love.
alexa: We get sad that you’re not there! She has two… one for me and one for you!
Caroline: No kidding- the guy was a jerk. At least that bum showed him!
BeckEye: It’s so true. Startling, but true.
Molly: Animal crackers make EVERYTHING better. True story.
speakyourself: Oh, I had plenty of stories from bar serving, too…
Connie: That’s probably smart- I can’t imagine what it’s like!
Spellbound: It would have been so cool if you could have made it! Next time, DEFINITELY.
Woolly: A grown man cried over a headlight? He deserved it!
I actually laughed out loud at "ANIMAL CRACKERS!"
LOLLLLLL… that should be in a movie. OMG< a movie of your life!
http://fab.typepad.com
Hello, dollface. Maxie sings your praises so I came to check out what all the hype is about.
First of all, you wiped with cotton balls? High-five for creativity, girlfriend. Super high-five. I never would have thought of that. And yes, I have found myself in a similar situation.
As for this blog post, LOL! Don’t you love homeless people!? Animal Crackers? Like, wtf? Where did he even come up with that? I literally cackled when I read that, so in conclusion. Welcome to my google reader, betch.
P.S. MAXIE IS MINE!
Looks like you had SO much fun partying on St. Patty’s Day! One of these days I’m gonna drive the 2 hours and party with you…(grin!!)
B is definitely a ‘keeper’ – especially with the hat…
The driver that tried to run you over? Total Asshole… Way cool the homeless guy chased that guy away….I would have given him a 5-spot, too!
Classic! Sounds like a good one all round, insane motorists and crazy hobos and all!
Alright , I knew from your starting line I’d just love this one. lol. I canNOT believe that asswipe! And the calling of the ((gasp)) c-word? OH NO. What a moron. He must be a blast to live with and at holidays. What a butt-munch.
And, you met a new friend (OMG – lol)ha ha ha! When I read that ANIMALS CRACKERS! I almost lost it.
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