The Shiz My Boyfriend Says, Vol III

by LiLu on February 25, 2009

in B, WE might be clinical, apparently i'm 5 years old, boys, bummin it, confessionary tales, dating, the shiz my boyfriend says, weird shit

After a comment yesterday from my new blog crushes, pistols at dawn over at Save Your Generation, I think it might be time to take B down a peg or two…

pistols at dawn said:

The face you’re making in the first picture is officially The Funniest Thing On The Internet today. Congrats to B on being awesome, although as a dude, I’d appreciate it if he’d drop the ball a little more often because he’s making us uncaring jerks look bad.

Sure, technically, we’re making ourselves look bad, but personal responsibility doesn’t match well with being an uncaring jerk.

After reading that, I knew it was time for yet another installment of: Shiz My Boyfriend Says! He ain’t so perfect, after all. But he does make me laugh…

Enjoy, lovers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This weekend, during the First Snuggie Fest ‘09:

B: You know what my favorite thing about today was?

LiLu: Me?

B: Uh… I was going to say, “not wearing pants ALL day”. But that works too.

LiLu: Well, that is what Snuggies are for.

(At least in this apartment…)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After an extremely “potent” meal…

LiLu: [low, strange guttural sound involuntarily exits throat]

B: WTF was that??

LiLu: Oh, whatever. At least when I burp, I blow it to the side!

A few minutes later, the stench of stale hot dogs fills the air…

LiLu: Aw, baby! Gross!

B: I didn’t even burp! … I just breathed!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While watching “The Science of Sex Appeal“, they demonstrate that men who have been exposed to the ’scent’ of a women immediately before working out, work out harder.

B: So… I should smell your vag before going to lift weights?

LiLu: Apparently… *wink* It’s all about the pheromones, baby.

Two moments later, he stretches, grabs my head and buries it in his arm pit:

B: You love my pheromones! GET SOME!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking home from a bar:

B: Oh my lord, I just had the BEST idea.

LiLu: About what?

B: About what to do to you the next time we make a bet and you lose.

LiLu: WHAT?! That’s horrible! … Tell me!

B: Fine, fine… I would make you come home after work, but STAY IN YOUR WORK CLOTHES until bedtime! Meanwhile, I’m sitting there cozy in my pajamas for hours! *Evil, evil cackle*

LiLu: [In horror] Who ARE you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Approximately two seconds ago (as I write this), sitting on the couch, he pulls out some chapstick and, after using it, offers it to me. I accept, and gratefully apply it perhaps just a bit too enthusiastically…

B: Holy shit. You just fellated my chapstick.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are so goddamn special. Truly.

{ 63 comments }

1 restaurant refugee February 25, 2009 at 12:56 pm: You fellate chapstick before going to the office and he’s complaining?
2 PQ February 25, 2009 at 1:28 pm: Holy shit, I just snorted…three times. Thank you so much for the morning laugh.

Do you guys do parties and special events?
3 Lemmonex February 25, 2009 at 1:47 pm: Ha-I think this just makes B look funny, not bad.
4 Jacqueline February 25, 2009 at 1:50 pm: I just spit out my drink all over my computer screen!

Have you seen this?
http://www.thingsmyboyfriendsays.com/
5 The Dutchess of Kickball February 25, 2009 at 1:54 pm: His master plan to make you stay in work clothes is pure evil. I think I’m scared of him right now.
6 Hannah February 25, 2009 at 1:54 pm: Ah men. Its nice when you get to a point in a relationship with them when they tell you what thoughts go on in those crazy brains of theirs.
7 freckledk February 25, 2009 at 2:05 pm: Your offspring is going to be President someday. I can feel it.
8 Fearless in Toronto February 25, 2009 at 2:17 pm: Yes, dear…you are both very speshul…and pretty.
9 The Maiden Metallurgist February 25, 2009 at 2:19 pm: I sure hope you don’t lose that bet, that sounds like torture.
10 Racquel Valencia February 25, 2009 at 2:20 pm: And they say romance is dead. Pfft.
11 Kristen February 25, 2009 at 2:32 pm: AHhh the one about staying in your work clothes till bed is the best!!!! I can’t think of anything worse really.
12 ifihadtopickfive February 25, 2009 at 2:35 pm: I am with Kristen. Saying in work clothes until bed might be the meanest thing I have heard all day. B is either brilliant or true evil.
13 f.B February 25, 2009 at 2:40 pm: the stench of stale hot dogs is a stench that lasts, and lasts…
14 LiLu February 25, 2009 at 2:42 pm: Refugee: Well, it was last night, but yeah, still.

PQ: Unofficially…

Lemm: That too. He’s a good egg.

Jacqueline: I have seen that! Hilarious. I wish she still updated!

The DOK: I was truly horrified that he came up with that.

Hannah: TRUE STORY, lady, true story!

frecks: Either that, or, yanno, reallyreallyeffedup. But cute!

Fearless: You’ve seen it first hand, in our natural habitat- you should know.

The Maiden: I’ll never bet with him again, after hearing that shiz.

Racquel Valencia: Pffft indeed. We are living the dream, folks.

Kristen: ME EITHER. I would probably just stay out drinking all night. Only way to deal witht hat one.

ifihadtopickfive: Can’t it be both?

f.B: You have suffered as well, my friend?
15 theoddduckling February 25, 2009 at 2:48 pm: I was laughing too hard to really continue after reading, “B: You love my pheromones! GET SOME!!!”

Then once I had calmed down until I read the end about fellated a tube of chapstick.

Thank you for proving that chocolate milk really doesn’t taste better the second time around.

- Kendall
16 Shelly February 25, 2009 at 2:50 pm: Hey if you can’t laugh at/with your boyfriend then that makes for a boring realtionship! And besides what else would you blog about in between your TMI????

Thanks for the laughs!
17 JoLee February 25, 2009 at 2:53 pm: B is one funny man. If I had to stay in my work clothes until bed time, I would just go to bed at 6:30… you would totally win.
18 Maxie February 25, 2009 at 2:54 pm: I must just be weird because I NEVER change into pajamas! i’m quite comfy in my work clothes.
19 Deutlich February 25, 2009 at 3:16 pm: I have NO idea how Maxie stays in her clothes like that. If I haven’t torn off my work clothes upon entry into my room within 5 minutes, I start to freak out.
20 Marie February 25, 2009 at 3:34 pm: I’m just glad to hear that my boyfriend is not the only guy that loves not wearing pants if he can get away with it. ALL THE TIME.

It’s twoo wove.
21 Rox February 25, 2009 at 4:15 pm: Brilliant, still marveling over the cruel work clothes punishment… pure evil, hehe.
22 FoggyDew February 25, 2009 at 4:23 pm: Personally, I see nothing wrong with anything he said. Those are just the normal thoughts running around like a hamster in our brains.

The face in the armpit thing? Funnnnny!
23 fiona February 25, 2009 at 4:24 pm: Lucky chapstick…just saying
24 LiLu February 25, 2009 at 4:27 pm: theoddduckling: Are you sure? You better look at the pictures of the Snuggie again and see if it’s better the 3rd time around.

Shelly: Anytime, love. And you are so right… I think laughter is truly how you get through the next 50 years.

JoLee: I KNOW, right? No way I’m going to sit next to him vegging on the couch and suffer!

Maxie: You are weird. SUPER weird.

Deutlich: I know- yesterday I changed so fast, he called me Superman.

Marie: Every man I’ve ever known feels this way (behind closed doors, at least). I don’t know what it is.

Rox: He IS evil!

FoggyDew: I expected more from you. Wait, no I didn’t. You’re one of THEM.

fiona:
25 rs27 February 25, 2009 at 4:30 pm: The phrase “Get some” is appropriate at all times.

Think about it. Think about it.
26 Patty Duke February 25, 2009 at 4:33 pm: I was going to comment on some if the things that my husband says. And they’re truly bizarre, but I decided not to. They could never match B’s. Besides, he says they haven’t been copyrighted yet.
27 Kate February 25, 2009 at 5:18 pm: Ewwwwww … hot dog breath! Gag, gag, GAG!
28 vazenchick February 25, 2009 at 5:21 pm: And I thought my boyfriend said the most random things at times…

I now stand corrected.
29 Kristina P. February 25, 2009 at 5:25 pm: Everyday of my life is a Snuggiefest. Oh, and I’ll be doing a Snuggie giveaway in a couple of weeks, so maybe you can win it, and then pimp it out!! Bedazzle the hell out of it!
30 justjp February 25, 2009 at 5:33 pm: ” You love my pheromones! GET SOME!!!”

That is classic. Now I am sad I did not get to meet you guys the other night.

TMI Thursday is coming you way tomorrow!
31 LiLu February 25, 2009 at 5:40 pm: rs27: Even you would be astonished how frequently it is used between the two of us.

Patty Duke: Oh, come on! Share! Share!

Kate: I KNOW. Tell me about it.

vazenchick: Mine is a whole different breed of random. Thank the baby jeebus we fit.

Kristina P: Oh, I’ll totally pimp it out here when you do! I’ve got my own coming up as well…

justjp: NOW you’re sad? I wasn’t enough for you before? J/k… can’t wait for the TMI tomorrow!
32 PorkStar February 25, 2009 at 6:12 pm: LMFAO… oh dude, this is the funniest shit ever lol
33 Kate February 25, 2009 at 6:16 pm: Man pheremones can suck it.
34 Baking With Plath February 25, 2009 at 6:18 pm: I might be in love with your boyfriend.
35 alexa - cleveland's a plum February 25, 2009 at 6:25 pm: wait! pistols at dawn in MY BLOG CRUSH. you can’t have him :p
36 Sarah February 25, 2009 at 6:43 pm: If the snuggie works for a day without pants, does it also work for a day without a bra? Those are my favorite days
37 LiLu February 25, 2009 at 6:48 pm: PorkStar: Glad to make laugh, darlin.

Kate: That’s what he was trying to make me do. HEYOOO

BWP: Trade you for a night, if yours will let me go out and have the kind of adventures you do.

alexa: Fine. We can share. But only because you’re my OTHER blog crush

Sarah: I have to give him credit here… he may avoid pants, but I NEVER wear a bra at home. Mandated by him, of course. Easy access and all that.
38 M@ February 25, 2009 at 6:56 pm: Depends. Best Invention. Ever.
39 moooooog35 February 25, 2009 at 7:04 pm: Susie Chapstick is one lucky broad.
40 The New Black February 25, 2009 at 7:19 pm: Hilarious! My boyfriend is the source of most of my amusement…that is the main reason why I keep him around.
41 Patty Duke February 25, 2009 at 7:23 pm: OK LiLu, only for you.

We were reading abook of erotic short stories:

Husband: Enough of all this pany panky.

Patty: Panky panky? Do you mean hanky hanky?

Husband: No. I mean panky panky. There’s no woman involved.
42 Little Ms Blogger February 25, 2009 at 7:26 pm: OMG…I love the bet…how cruel and funny would it be dressed in comfy duds while your loved one is their professional duds (especially if you wear pantyhose)….
43 tanya February 25, 2009 at 7:26 pm: precious. Just truly precious
44 Woolly February 25, 2009 at 7:37 pm: I really love these posts!
45 LiLu February 25, 2009 at 7:57 pm: M@: I could probably be convinced.

moooooog35: My mom’s name is Susie…

The New Black: True story! You get it

Patty Duke: HA! They think they’re so funny, don’t they?

LMB: I do rock tights A LOT. And taking them OFF is the best moment of the day. He wouldn’t really take that from me… would he?

tanya: Thanks, love.

Woolly: I’m glad, darlin!
46 Muppet Soul February 25, 2009 at 8:38 pm: Chapstick fellatio equals AWESOME.

a lot of kinds of felat-ing equals awesome.

You’re from D.C.! Me too! Well, I don’t live there anymore, obviously.. I was friggin pissed we couldn’t get out there for the inauguration..

I literally wept like I was in a Debra-Winger-Lifetime-movie when Virginia was the state that ‘clenched’ it for him, and made them declare he won.
47 blueviolet February 25, 2009 at 8:48 pm: I’m glad you finally discovered the other virtues of chapstick!
48 Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) February 25, 2009 at 8:50 pm: Never a dull moment, eh? The BEST way to be!
49 Smart Mouth Broad February 25, 2009 at 9:05 pm: If there ever was a perfect couple…………
50 Jenni Jiggety February 25, 2009 at 9:05 pm: You are like a bizarro version of my husband and I!

Probably with more energy and less wrinkles…
51 LiLu February 25, 2009 at 9:09 pm: Muppet Soul: Aw, I wish you could haev made it here… it was pretty goshdarn cool. Well, GObama ‘12, right??

blueviolet: I’ve been kept in the dark all these years!

Stacy (TRCC): As long as “crazy” constitutes “not dull”… yeah, we’re totally there.

SMB: Aw, shucks.

Jenni: Um, if by “energy” you mean “sit on couch in Snuggie, not wearing pants and drinking booze”… we have totally got that covered. xoxo
52 Lisa February 25, 2009 at 9:52 pm: The problem, young lady, with these Shiz (and many other) posts is that I am always left at a loss for words. And then I leave some dumb comment about being speechless. See. I’m doing it again.
53 los_tartist February 25, 2009 at 9:55 pm: You actually bought snuggies!!! You’re totally my hero. For serious.
54 Jules February 25, 2009 at 10:12 pm: You two are fucking hysterical! *Did I say that last time?
55 inkpuddle February 25, 2009 at 10:54 pm: Heh heh, I love this series. All the right parts of adorable, amusing and a touch of nasty to make it even better. The “I just breathed” comment is probably my favorite though…I’m still snickering.
56 Just Playing Pretend February 25, 2009 at 11:30 pm: His plan for a bet wager is amazing! That is the worst form of torture! I love it!
57 Kristen February 26, 2009 at 1:49 am: HAHAH Yes! I would most definitely go out after work and then so when I get home I HAVE to get in my PJ’s for bed.
58 cavy February 26, 2009 at 3:22 am: um, B must stand for BRILLIANT because i just had diet coke (from the fountain, meaning it’s EXTRA carbonated) come streaming out both nostrils. and it was totally worth it!

you’ve got yourself a keeper, ma’am!
59 pistols at dawn February 26, 2009 at 4:00 am: I’m going to focus on the hot dog breath, but unfortunately, women have decided to focus their attentions on the “funny” parts of his comments. So typical. Well, as long as there’s booze, jerks like me still stand a chance.
60 LiLu February 26, 2009 at 3:27 pm: Lisa: I just love that you’re here, dear

los_tartist: Thanks, darlnig. That could have gone either way, no?

Jules: I won’t tell. Say it as often as you like.

inkpuddle: I think I probably laughed hardest at that as well. Redic.

JPP: Evil. Pure evil.

Kristen: I know! You can’t sit at home in WORK clothes! Abominable!

cavy: His head’s big enough… (but I know).

pistols: The hot dog breath was bad. Real bad. Especially because it went both ways…
61 Ruby February 27, 2009 at 2:04 am: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is GREAT! The pheromones one killed me!
62 Matt February 27, 2009 at 1:53 pm: Pure Genius.
63 Stephanie February 27, 2009 at 8:04 pm: Sounds like my boyfriend! haha