TMI Thursday: B Tells The Other (Sandpapery) Side

Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join me and the fast-growing harem of TMI-participators in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. If you want, leave it here in the comments! If you’re chicken, share someone else’s! Ah, the anonymity of the blogosphere… it’s a good thing. Now get ready, my darlings, for the ever popular gravely feared TMI THURSDAYS…

Public Service Announcement:

As I said yesterday, I will NOT be writing a TMI Thursday today. Oh, stop crying/ cheering. You’ll get your TMI, don’t worry. But it’s coming from a very special guest blogger… he’s known around my lil corner of the innerwebs here as B. You see, when I posted last week’s TMI, it reminded him of… well, I’ll let him tell you the story. That’s what he’s here for, after all, isn’t it?

Without further ado, your weekly dose of TMI…

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TMI Thursday: Of Hand Jobs and Farfalle: A Cautionary Tale

by B

After reading LiLu’s recap of her first hand job experience last week, I shared with her a similar incident from my past and she asked me to blog it. Since I/we are so often the subject of her over-shares, this will be a nice opportunity to do the embarrassing myself.

My story takes place senior year of high school where I was (still am?) the “Skeevy McSkeeverson” of this story. However, please note that unlike him, I both had a driver’s license AND bathed regularly.

Similar to LiLu’s story, I was interested in a sophomore- a girl with whom I ran track. Oh and (cough, cough) she happened to be my best friend’s little sister. I told you I was a bit skeevy back in the day. Anyway, one Friday night before a track meet she came over for some pasta and a movie (nothing gets a teenage girl hotter than farfalle, except perhaps an impressive CD collection). The aphrodisiac worked as planned and in no time we were making out on the couch.

One thing led to another, and soon enough there was some hand stuff going on. The best I can say is at that young age she was eager, uninformed, and had a strong grip. Unlike LiLu, her direction of choice was diagonal and ummm sandpaper.

The aftermath was unlike anything I had ever experienced. That night I could barely walk upstairs to bed. Even a soft breeze felt like the fire of a thousand suns on my penis. The complete inability to walk presented a distinct problem because, as you’ll remember, I had a track meet the next morning.

“Sorry Coach, can’t run. Dick’s broke” didn’t seem like an acceptable excuse. So, I woke up and did what any smart 18-year old would do: completely bandaged it up. Gauze, band aids, medical tape…no resource was unused in the mummification of my penis. When my work was done I could once again walk (and hopefully run)…but couldn’t see a speck of skin.

(Get it? Bandaged… head? GET IT?)

I went on to finish my race, with only minor discomfort while running. But, as anyone who has run track can attest, before the race you try to drink as much water as possible to be fully hydrated. Done and done. Only after the race did I realize what I had overlooked in my early morning triage— a pee hole. This presented a major challenge.

After sprinting to the bathroom I attempted to delicately remove the bandaging before my bladder exploded. This was not successful. The result was like covering Old Faithful with a wetnap— nothing was holding back that explosion. So yeah, that happened.

Afterwards I grabbed some pants, discarded my shorts, and laid low for the rest of the meet. But let this be a lesson to you, men. When bandaging your penis: NEVER, NEVER, cover the pee hole.

Deal with THAT LiLu: handjobs gone awry + peeing oneself = Score one for B.

Other awesomely bad TMI Thursdays this week:

LBluca77’s TMI Thursday: One Day Mr. Hankey You Will Burn In Hell

Sean’s TMI Thursday: A Picture

Saratogajean’s TMI Thursday (And an Apology)

-jd’s TMI Thursday: Love in a Box

Liebchen’s TMI Thursday: It’s No Perrier, But I Guess It Did The Trick

Jo from The Attention Span of a Fly is writing again! And joins in: TMI Thursday: The Farts

Charlotte Harris’s TMI Thursday: Weird Stuff You Didn’t Want to Know About Me

Single Girl’s TMI Thursday: Carnal Knowledge. Or, There are Worse People to be Compared to Than Bill Clinton.