TMI Thursday: The Unfortunate "Anointment" of One Man's Throne

I’ve been kind of rough on you guys the last few TMI Thursdays, what with the grandparent sex, period post, and superfluous vomitty tales, so I’m going to ease up a bit in the hopes of not scaring ALL of you off. Still, this ain’t no fairy tale… but it is pretty freaking funny.

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I’ve told y’all quite a bit about my gay boyfriend in college, Thomas. We’ve been through some crazy ass times, he and I. Our most infamous story, however, is not one that we ever talk about, as it was from our Dark Period: When I So Rude As To Go And Get An Actual Boyfriend.

Like any dedicated GBF, Thomas did not appreciate playing second fiddle to the new man in my life. To his credit, the boyfriend was kind of a jackass with a HUGE anger problem… but as he never directed it at me, I was somehow able to overlook this glaring flaw. He also had an enormous, bulbous head- Thomas referred to him as “Neanderthal Man,” or just plain “Cranium” for short.

The summer between our junior and senior years at Chapel Thrill, Thomas and I moved in together. And it had been an absolute disaster since the moment we became roommates. Thomas and I fought about everything, from who got which room to the magnets that should decorate the fridge. I think everyone has that best friend that you love more than life… but absolutely, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you ever, ever live with.

Cranium entering my life had only made the tension in our apartment worse. Thomas, unfortunately for him, was taking a summer school class, so he got to rise at the godforsaken hour of 7am every morning to make his 8 o’clock class. We tried to keep the noise level down, but as Thomas’ and my fights grew more and more frequent, I’m sure the degree of consideration we showed him lessened proportionally.

One evening, Cranium and I had been up all night shotgunning Busch Lights and playing cards. We finally crashed as the sun was coming up.

Now, there are two things you need to know:

1) Cranium may have been sleeping naked. (I don’t know, B, I’m a virgin, remember? It’s hot in Carolina…)

2) Cranium had a tendency to sleep-walk when extremely drunk or tired.

Hmm, can you see where this might be going yet…?

Let’s break it down.

7:00 AM: Thomas’ alarm for summer school goes off, waking Cranium into a sleep-walking state.

7:03 AM: I continue drooling on myself, completely unaware, as Cranium gets up, sleep-walking, with the intention of “using the bathroom”.

7:04 AM: Thomas is laying awake in bed, thinking about which pair of argyle socks to wear that day.

7:05 AM: Cranium walks down the hallway, stark nekkid, to the “bathroom.” Only it is NOT the bathroom. It is Thomas’ bedroom. WHOOPS.

7:06 AM: Cranium opens Thomas’ door and strides in, you guessed it, stark nekkid. Though “it” wasn’t anything too impressive (cough cough), a 6-foot hairy naked man barging into your room looking drugged is probably NOT the way you want to start your morning, gay man or no. (Whatever happened to a nice cup of Folgers?)

7:07 AM: Thomas, unaware that Cranium is sleep-walking, screams out and yells expletives at Cranium, mostly of the “GET THE FRICK OUT OF MY ROOM” nature.

7:08 AM: Cranium ignores Thomas’ angry cries, calmly walks over (still stark nekkid) to his desk chair, and relieves himself.

7:09 AM: Most likely after a sigh of great contentment, Cranium shakes, turns around, and walks back to bed. All while still sleep-walking.

7:10 AM: Thomas runs into my bedroom, obviously shaken and yelling at me. I am dead to the world- I stir a little bit, probably say something rude, and go back to sleep.

11:30 AM: My cell phone ringing finally wakes me up. I answer groggily as Thomas starts going off about what happened and how he was “sexually harassed” by my boyfriend that morning.

11:32 AM: I realize what happened and start laughing. HARD.

11:33 AM: Thomas hangs up on me. I tell Cranium what he did, still laughing. He is absolutely stricken and humiliated beyond belief (when I finally manage to get the words out).

12:00 PM: Cranium runs to the store to buy Thomas a new desk chair.

1:00 PM: Thomas returns from class to find Cranium putting a new chair together in our living room; we have disposed of the… ahem… “previously anointed” one.

1:05 PM: Thomas orders Cranium out of the apartment, and decrees that he is never to step foot on the premises again.

I’ll spare you the gory details that followed, but it ended with Thomas taking a restraining order out against Cranium, me moving out, and Thomas and I not speaking for 6 months. Mind you, we worked in the same restaurant at the time… AWKWARD.

Little did I know Thomas was actually doing me a favor, as I ended up finding a new place on Craigslist with my Sweet Carolina girls who are my BFFies to this day.

Such a silly, silly, argument… all over an angry man with a massive head and a small peen. I even told Thomas that really, he should have felt sorry for the guy rather than being angry, but he wasn’t buying it. Honestly? Considering all the porn he had of big, hairy men with ‘large heads’ on his laptop, he should have been grateful Cranium missed the computer…

Other awesomely bad TMI Thursdays this week:

Liebchen’s TMI Thursday: Taking Care of Business

I-66′s TMI Thursday: Christmas Cannon

LBluca77′s TMI Thursday: Everybody Poops

SingleGirl’s TMI Thursday: The Bodily Function Way I Came To Peace With My Divorce

SingleGirl’s TMI: If You Want My Body and You Think I’m Sexy

The Foggy Dew’s A Mom-centric TMI Edition

ToBlogOr…’s TMI Thursday: TP Philosophy

Gilahi’s Not Really TMI (we’ll give it to him because he’s a TMI virgin)

Lemon Gloria’s And Then You Realize That Stepping Beyond This One Particular Line Would Make You Officially Crazy

Katherine’s TMI Thursday: Where I Over Share For Your Pleasure, Vol. 5

Saratoga Jean‘s TMI Thursday