Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join me and the fast-growing harem of TMI-participators in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. If you want, leave it here in the comments! If you’re chicken, share someone else’s! Ah, the anonymity of the blogosphere… it’s a good thing.
Without further ado, this Thursday’s Tale of TMI…
(See the TMIT archives here.)
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This winter came upon us fast and hard. (That’s what she said.) *Snort, chortle, compose self* But if I remember correctly, last year- though a more mild winter overall- still held a couple unbelievably cold, slap-yo-mama frigid, “OMG I can’t believe I didn’t call in sick today instead of braving this hell-hath-frozen-over” days of weather.
I remember one in particular all too well… because THIS happened.
I used to live in Dupont and walked about 25 minutes to work. It normally wasn’t a bad walk, but the problem was that the metro stations were positioned just far enough away that they made metroing in no way a plausible solution for traveling on days of inclement weather. Occasionally it was cat-and-dogging hard enough that I took a cab, but for the most part, I just had to grin and bear it.
On this very special day, I set out without realizing that for once, the temperature truly was below freezing. I believe it was around 29 degrees, to be precise. But the streets were clear of precipitation, so I bundled up in hat and scarf and mittens on a string, and began trotting down Connecticut Ave. I’m sure I was late, and as I said, it was damn cold, so I was walking FAST- I am a Masshole, after all. About 15 minutes into my walk, I was striding briskly passed the National Georgraphic building when I noticed an odd sensation.
Or rather, a lack of sensation…
I could not feel my vagina.
I kid you not, folks. From my upper thighs to my ovaries, there was just nothing. It felt like I had a black hole in the middle of my torso. The combination of the fast-walking friction and the uterus-numbing cold had literally MADE MY HOO-HOO GO NUMB. And let me tell you, folks… “losing” your vag? Is a very, very strange feeling.
Commuters were streaming around me on their way to work- some threw a quizzical look at the stricken-faced girl on M Street, trying surreptitiously to feel (without actually feeling) where her naughty bits had run off to. I considered sitting down on a bench to better “assess” the situation, but finally decided to just keep on trucking.
Two steps, and the feeling was so strange it made me pause again. I tried nonchalantly patting my Bathing Suit Area as I crab-walked down the sidewalk, stopping and starting like I was prarie doggin and desperately trying not to shit my pants. (I did them all! I did all the poops!)
Let me tell you, ladies… I’ve felt a lot of weird things in my day, but nothing compares to the sensation of a missing vajajay. When I finally made it to my office, I was grateful for an elevator alone to try and check her pulse. Nevertheless, it took a full fifteen minutes inside the heated office building before my nether regions came fully back to life. Ever tried to sit down without your poontang in place? Trust me, girls: It just. Feels. WRONG.
Soon enough, though, my baby cave was back in business, and seemed no worse for the wear. I apologized to my cherry pie for putting her through all that, and in turn, rosebud promised to warn me next time the cold was getting to be a bit much for her.
All’s well that ends well, right, my little pink velvet sausage wallet?
A special thanks to The Vagina Lady for helping me out with today’s vernacular!
P.S. I tried to find a picture for this by image-googling “shocked woman holding vagina“… I wouldn’t recommend it.
Other awesomely bad TMI Thursdays this week…
Maxie’s TMI Thursday: Janelle’s Version
LBluca77’s Don’t Hate, Masturbate
Herb of DC’s TMI Thursday: The Kentucky Derby When I [Redacted]
I-66’s TMI Thursday: Brown Out
Miss Scorpio’s Pool Party for Two
Liebchen’s TMI Thursday: “It’s Okay, We’ve All Been There”
Sean’s TMI Thursday: Accomplish the Impossible
Doug’s TMI Thursday: Attack of the Feminine Product
f.B’s Not in the Slightest Bit TMI
Lisa’s In My Defense, This Was a Long, Long Time Ago
Shannon’s TMI Thursday: Non-Instant Karma
Foggy Dew’s TMI Thurday: A Tale of Too Much Cheddar
Laina’s TMI Thursday: Socks Not Optional
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My new goal is to out-TMI you. I WILL succeed.
Maxie: And THAT, my dear, is the name of the game…
Looking forward to it!
That was fucking hilarious…. I am still laughing…
Sounds to me like you can’t take the cold… try moving where I live… -20 to -30C (-4 to -22F) for most of the winter!
OMG!! You never cease to shock and amaze me!!! I need to dig deep into my memory to come up with something that will SHOCK you! Since I’m OLD, I’ve got alot of em to work with!
PS…u crack me up so much, just added u to my blogroll…others need to check out your blog!
Oh darlin’! You’re just too much. And I would have stopped on a bench to “assess”. We can’t have our sweet spots missing, now can we?
Mine flies south for winter.
You are officially the queen of vajayjay euphemisms. Bravo.
“little pink velvet sausage wallet” HAHAHAHAHA. A bit of coffee came out of my nose when I read that.
Seriously not being able to feel your vag sounds scary. Without my vag how would I get dates and free drinks.
Ditto Uncle Ebenezer.
And that’s hilarious. I pray it doesn’t get that cold this year. I don’t know if I’d even make it inside to “check her pulse.” I’d be so worried about where she’d gotten off (hehe) to!
Funny!
In NYC I used to walk about 25 minutes to work (and that at my NYC pace, which is almost my current running pace), and I never took the subway to work (even if it was a snowstorm out with slush everywhere).
The CNN building was on my way to work, and for a whole 2 weeks during my last winter there the temperature at their building displayed 9 degrees. Yep. Freaking 9 degrees. Plus the freaking windchill. (Oh, and after it “warmed up” it only changed to about 15 degrees, some days 17… On good days it’d be about 23… I hate winter.)
But even walking almost 2 miles on 9 degree weather, I NEVER noticed a missing vajayjay…
this was not a TMI thursday story. it was a tragic story of a love lost, and then found again.
Guess you won’t go commando and pantsless on a cold day again, eh?
I take it that you will never visit me in the wintertime…despite your completely irrational love of snow.
Wow… I’m going to have to work really hard to even think of some share-worthy TMI. I think I block those things from my mind the second that they happen so that I don’t risk sharing them with the wrong people.
Is it anything like not being able to feel your dick when you whip it out to pee on a cold day?
Because if it, I hear ya.
so “they” say women have a higher tolerance for pain than we do… but i also wouldn’t have your tolerance for numbness, for non-pain. b/c if my buddy became disconnected from my nerve system in public, you would have heard about it on the news.
Like Doug, I too am wondering about your wardrobe choices for the day in question? Are we talking smokeless with an Ally McBeal mini? Or were you more conservatively dressed? Your readers want to know.
OK, I didn’t use vagina (or any of the very creative alternate monikers) in my post, but I did get half-naked at a lesbian party. That counts, no?
Buy a pair of fur lined “Crocs” scoop out the fur and place inside “granny knickers”. That should do the trick!
ah, your poor babymaker!
living in mass, you can imagine this has happened to me before too. not so much fun.
i didnt bust out a TMI this week (slacker!)… next week is christmas… hmm.
All hail the Vagina Lady.
@Lisa – which half?
**Laughing hysterically**
Oh, wow! I can imagine that would NOT be a fun experience. At first I thought you were going to say that you had an org*sm while walking to work (the numbness being a precursor?). I think I would have much preferred that, although it might have been a little strange while walking on a public street…
Confession: I once masturbated in the ocean while watching my bikini-clad girlfriend at the time frolic in the surf.
I don’t want mine to disappear. Ever. It feels to nice to touch.
Frank IS THE MUSCLE. I’m the brains, Dennis, is the looks. Charlie’s the wild card and Frank, Frank is the muscle.
Frank rules.
Woolly: Glad I could make you laugh… and no, I couldn’t handle it! Since heading down South, mah blood done thinned.
NothingFancy: Aw, thanks sugar! You’re too kind
Miss Scorpio: I should have assessed. With my hands. Just to make sure she was still there…
Shannon: Is that a euphemism?
Uncle Eb: Well, me or the Vagina Lady.
LBluca77: I know- the second I read that, I knew it was going in the blog, no questions asked.
Liebchen: HA! You’re so punny!
Beach Bum: You’re lucky yours is so attached to you…
Doug: Commando, sure. But pantless? Can’t be controlled…
Fearless: I heart snow. I’ll visit you… we just can only walk in 15 minute increments.
Downbeat: You can do it… I believe!
Arjewtino: I would imagine it’s EXACTLY like that. Tre weird.
f.B: Since then, I’ve got her on a tight leash. We won’t have that mishap again…
Foggy: Seriously, I was wearing normal pants! It was just that cold.
Lisa: Half nekkid at a lesbian party DEFINITELY counts. Win.
Fiona: CROCS?? I hope that’s a joke, missy.
Brookem: There’s always next year! Ha.
Refugee: *curtsey*
Zandria: I’m not sure which is worse…
M@: Did she notice?
Kate: Agreed!
rs27: Who’s the useless chick?…. OH.
You know, NOW I’m totally going to have to google “shocked woman holding vagina.” And frankly? I’m a little scared.
I think I lost my vajajay in the war.
LMAO
Could you use the line “I could not feel my vagina” as a pick-up line?
That P.S. was literally made me burst out into loud laughter, so much so that my roommate in the other room asked if I was ok! LOL
Oh and THANK YOU – your comment made my day the other day
I hope you keep checking it out – I add a new pic every day!
*literally, sans “was.” Apparently my brain has not quite recovered from exams yet…
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