I have not slept in two months.
Correction: I have not slept for more than a couple hours at a time in the last couple of months… unless heavily sedated with Tylenol PM. And I’m not big on self-medicating, unless it’s recreational (read: booze), so there hasn’t been much of that either… nonetheless, even my blessed Tyl PM has seemingly started to not work. I don’t want to get a prescription for sleeping pills… that just seems like total avoidance, and thus a waste of time and money.
When I’m (ahem) intoxicated, I will perhaps be lucky enough to pass out, but only to wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning and lie awake until the alarm goes off at 7:30, watching the minutes tick by…
When I’ve not been drinking, I don’t even have the luxury of passing out. Those nights I’ll usually manage to finally drift off around 5am and grab a couple of hours before getting up for work. If not, there’s always the interwebs (how many of you have noticed me commenting at 5, 6 a.m. before? Yeah, that’s not a typo…) I’ve got hours and hours of Sex and the City, 3rd Rock From the Sun, and random horrible MTV/Vh1/Oxygen/Bravo shows that B won’t let me watch around him, mostly because they are seemingly mindless enough to put me to sleep… but they usually don’t.
Last night I slept for a couple hours in the evening… but woke up at midnight. I saw 5 am roll around before I was finally able to sleep- on and off- again, and in the interim I watched Britney Spears’ entire “For the Record” Special, a Bad Girls’ Club episode, last night’s new Girls Next Door, a RERUN of Real Housewives, and some other crap I’m too ashamed to admit. (Pssst, Katherine? Thank you for CatHouse! That shiz is hilARious.)
My insomnia is rotting my brain.
Two months ago, I figured it had to do with general anxiety, exhibited by the chest pains I was having. My doctor told me it was either anxiety or heartburn… and I knew it wasn’t heartburn.
I decided said anxiety was probably related to my unhappiness with my then-job. So, I went job huntin’. I tested, I interviewed, all the while… yup, still not sleeping well. Clearly, it was a product of the stress of job-hunting, no? But then I found a great job, a much better job, a job that I was excited about! Problem solved, right?
When I still wasn’t sleeping, I thought maybe it was the starting of said new job, in conjunction with worrying about holiday plans (whose house for Xmas, etc.), and the pressure of meeting B’s parents for the first time over Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving came and went, and was a delightful affair. I didn’t say anything too foot-in-mouth, and it was a relatively relaxing weekend of card games, movies, and home-cooked food. B agreed to come to Christmas with my family, and I was ecstatic. Surely, now I would be able to rest?
When I continued to jerk awake in the middle of the nights, worries and tasks flying through my mind accompanied by little shocks of adrenaline that completely prevented sleep, I thought, “Well, the holidays in general are always stressful… so much to do, and I haven’t even started shopping!” Nevermind the fact that going to Costa Rica had essentially bankrupted us since we got back… and everytime the paycheck came that was FINALLY going to take us out of the red, something else came up.
Honestly? I have everything. I love my apartment, my man, my family. My paychecks from my new job are coming in (with a raise that finally gives me a little breathing room to boot). Maybe I can’t shop or frequent restaurants the way I used to, but I can still afford to go out with the friends I love and spend some quality time boozin, talking, loving life.
A lot of my Christmas shopping is done or in the works. I love wrapping and giving (!!!) presents to the people I adore. I love traveling to upstate New York every year to be with my whole family, and I couldn’t be more excited now that B is coming with me to experience it. I love holiday parties and decorations and the pointsettia in my living room and my sad but sweet Christmas tree and the two adorable ornaments my mom sent so that we would have some “real” ornaments that came from loved ones.
I don’t mind winter or snow. I like a reason to snuggle up and get cozy.
So, yeah… you gotta ask, right?
What. The FUCK. Is Wrong With Me???
{ 37 comments }
Since the prescription I gave our friend, Katertot, for the same affliction won’t work – you’ve tried booze – I will make a real suggestion. Exercise always helps with my insomnia.
Dude that sucks. I deal with insomnia often as well. I second the exercise thing, it seems to help me out.
Exercising was definitely helping, until I started the new job and got out of the swing of doing it on my lunch hour. Guess it’s time to get back to the gym… the only problem is I never have enough energy anymore to do it. Oh, vicious cycle…
While yours seems a lot worse than mine ever was, I’ve been dealing with insomnia all my life. I also hate medicating myself, but I find it necessary most nights. I’m sure you’re sick to death of other people’s advice, as am I, but the things that help me are:
1. Xanax (I take about half a 25mg pill two-or-so times a week, and it helps soooo much).
2. Earplugs. Seriously, the difference between how I sleep with them and without them is insane.
That’s about it. I hope you find something that helps you.
Both you and Katherine wrote about insomnia today. Y’all need to go away to a spa together or something. In the meantime, I have found that watching TV or using the computer too close to bedtime sort of gets my brain working too much to go to sleep. Maybe try a night without TV? Good luck!
I generally have little problem sleeping. However, sometimes I wake up in strange places with no idea how I got there.
Seriously though, less caffeine and going to the gym should work wonders.
Perhaps, excercise, which we both know is part of my solution. I also avoid caffeine after 4:30 pm. But here’s the best part of my regimen – sex and lots of it.
I wish I had a cure-all for you, but some of the best ideas (gymming, less TV and whatnot before bed) have already been mentioned. Or sometimes I’ll just lie in bed with my eyes closed and will myself to sleep.
My mom, on the other hand, usually recommends a hot toddy. To each her own.
I agree with Miss Scorpio.
Stop worrying and get B on the job!
Good luck sweetie!
I was about to write I’m thinking about ya but given my advice that would just be sick!
Apropos of nothing, I don’t know what half of those shows are.
Exercise. It will hurt for the first few minutes, then the endorphins kick in. Also this would help relieve any hidden stress.
Throwing this out there- started any new meds within the past few months? That can def. affect your circadian rhythm. Also, Seasonal Affective Disorder or any other form of depression can manifest itself in anxiety.
Plus you say it yourself: “worries and tasks flying through my mind accompanied by little shocks of adrenaline that completely prevented sleep, I thought, “Well, the holidays in general are always stressful… so much to do, and I haven’t even started shopping!” ” You’re associating this time of year with stress. Which leads to anxiety. Which leads to insomnia.
Not a dr., but I like to think I make a good armchair psychologist.
One more thing- there was a study done that the computer, not TV, not movies, but specifically surfing the web makes it harder to turn off your brain and fall asleep. Interesting, no?
3rd Rock from the Sun!!
anyway, have you tried aggressively not sleeping? maybe willpowering your body into submission will work if you give it no sleep at all for a couple days.
On a serious note (for once) — I’ve also had major sleeping issues in the past and definitely did not want to go the sleeping pill route. I changed my diet dramatically, basically cutting out sugar and caffeine (which sucks at first, but you get used to it quickly), started getting more exercise (by bike commuting) and can now get my REM sleep on without issue.
Also, I suggest reading or listening to music with your eyes closed instead of TV. Reading I think makes you want to close your eyes since they’re working. TV just makes them glaze over, but stay open. And music, well, music always helps me solve all problems. Just some thoughts.
You know, I have problems sleeping sometimes too… I figured out that I get easily jostled by sound/light…. so I sleep with ear plugs and a facemask when I -really- want to sleep well. And it always works like a charm.
At the moment, insomnia is my middle name and I can feel your pain.
Here are some things that have worked for me.
Exercise works.
Unisom works for me, but I make sure I set aside a full 8 hours otherwise, just groggy. Also, take 1/2 hour prior to bed to let it work.
Reading right before bed works.
Meditation has worked when I can calm my mind down.
Hope these suggestions work.
I feel your pain. My head starts stirring and next thing you know, I’m watching the alarm go off.
I am trying to get in a nighttime relaxation routine, which is *supposed* to clue your body clock into recognizing that it is time to go to bed and to knock that thinking shit off.
It works..ummm .. sometimes.
I guess I will try exercising. I need stress relief anyway (especially after this crazy weekend) and that is supposed to be the cure-all.
what are my running shoes under again???
Have you ever seen Mulholland Drive? If that movie doesn’t put you to slee[p then we’ll have to re-examine.
I feel you…
I agree with everyone who mentioned reading…reading REALLY helps.
My problem was always falling asleep, not staying asleep. But that was before I was on Xanax which is my personal miracle product…for me.
BUT I would not say meds for everyone…I have OCD so without the Xan, I am up literally all night thinking and doing crap (and this from a generally laid back, lazy person).
Good luck and think about an anti-anxiety drug if you really still cannot sleep.
Lack of sleep is one of the worst things to affect your body…fucks you up in all sorts of ways.
Thinking of you. muah
I take some pretty serious sleeping meds. I have for years – like when the alcohol stopped working. It’s a horrible cycle, but I am not able to look at life reasonably without adequate sleep, so it became a priority for me. I no longer beat myself up for it, either. It is what it is. Hang in there.
Exercise is definitely helpful. And if you need anti-anxiety meds, I wouldn’t hesitate, honestly. A couple years ago I couldn’t sleep – it was all kinds of tied up in anxiety. I got put on a really low dose of Remeron to knock me out, and man, did it make me sleep, but I felt like I was walking through marshmallow all day the days afterward. But sleep is huge.
Georgia: I’ve thought about ear plugs but never actually tried any. The problem for me is being left alone with my own thoughts, so I’m not sure that would help with anything other than B’s snoring… I’m not opposed to looking into a small dose of something anti-anxiety, though. If it was something I could just take when I felt like I needed it, that could be a good compromise.
CharlotteHarris: Nothing scares me more than a night without TV. If I don’t have that background noise, I’ll go crazy.
Fearless: I drink half as much caffeine as I did in college, but I almost always get a small cup in the afternoon. Might be time to kick that… but 3:30 pm is OH SO PAINFUL.
Miss Scorp: B is going to love you.
Liebchen: Conversely, I think I love your mom.
Fiona: Thank ya much… now apparently I need to find the energy for a roll in the hay…
66: It’s a chick thing.
Brett: I’ve not started any new meds, I kind of love winter, and I don’t really find the holidays stressful. Plus, it’s been going on for months. Exercise was the only thing that was helping at all. Guess I’ve got to find my way back to the treadmill pronto.
f.B: And it’s as good as ever (re: 3rd Rock!)
Marissa: I could cut out sugar and caffeine pretty easily, actually. I’ll give it a shot, if it helped you. I walk two miles each way to work but apparently that’s not rigorous enough to convince my body I’ve “exercised.” What a jerk, body. I think you’re on the right track with reading, too.
Doug: A facemask, you say? Hopefully Santa’s listening… oh wait, my mom doesn’t read this. (THANK GOD.)
LMB: Duly noted… thanks for all the suggestions! And yeah, Tylenol PM totally leaves me in a fog if I don’t get all 8!
Belle: Let me know if anything works for you, chica… I’ll do the same.
rs27: I haven’t, but I just netflixed it…
Kass: Thanks lady, I know you feel my pain! I’ve seen you commenting at odd hours as well…
Kate: I definitely would cross over to the total sleep med side if I gave up drinking, I don’t blame you at all. Thanks for the kind words…
Lisa: As long as they were temporary, I don’t think it’d really bother me… guess it’s time to get to a Dr.
Thank you SO much, everyone, for all of your kind words, support and ideas! I’m overwhelmed and I really, really appreciate it!
***To be clear: I in NO way think that there is anything wrong with taking meds! In fact, I think it can be a joyous and wonderful thing when they are needed. It’s just for me, a personal choice, I don’t like the idea of feeling… altered, I suppose, even if it’s more pleasant. Give me another month of sleep deprivation, though, and I’m sure I’d sing a different tune… I just want to make sure you all know I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the wonders of anti-anxiety and other meds AT ALL.
***
Sorry to hear you are struggling with this. I haven’t had insomnia to the level you describe. When I do find myself awake in the middle of the night and my mind spinning on things I’m worried about–if it doesn’t go away within 1/2 an hour, I get up and write out a to do list for the next day. It makes me feel like I’ll at least remember all the things I need to take care of and that I have a plan of some sort. Once it’s on paper, I can usually let go. Hope it helps.
I have had chronic insomnia for 16 years so I feel your pain. I ended up getting a sleeping pill that is not addictive (Ambien) and I do not take it every night but feel no guilt when I do. I have tried everything. TV, counting sheep, meditating, etc. I am even on double antidepressants in hopes of helping me sleep. No dice. Insomnia sucks a big fat one!! All I can say is, good luck. And also, Tylenol PM is NOT good for you. It’s bad for your liver and is what causes the majority of overdoses with OTCs.
You know I don’t sleep. When you figure this out, please let me know.
Ok, this might be a bit of a leap, but what if the anxiety is BECAUSE everything is in place? Great apartment, great relationship, life is finally getting into place, but in the back of your mind you’re just waiting for something to go wrong — I mean, a lucky streak only lasts so long, right? I know it sounds dumb, but it is a possibility that when you have nothing to worry about, you’re worried about having no troubles…
that sucks
working out definitely helps. i usually have a glass of wine if i’m having trouble sleeping.
LA Cochran: That does help when I have access to a pen (whenever I use my cell phone’s notepad t9 betrays me and I can’t read a word of it in the morning), but all too often I don’t have a way to do it. I think I’ll start keeping a pad next to the bed… thanks!
CageQueen: Welcome! I know Tylenol PM’s not good. A couple people have suggested Unisom… do you know if that’s any better? I think I’d feel better about trying that before actually getting a prescriptional one. I’ve heard good things about Ambien though… allegedly it’s non addictive?
Lemm: Will do, lady. Will do.
Beach Bum: Honestly, I think you might have hit the nail on the head. In which case, how lame am I??
girl you need amiben! wait or are you trying not to self medicate. hmm, but why?!?
i kid,
I am with the others on the exercise. When I work out a few hours before I go to sleep I pass out like a baby, my body is so relaxed.
And thanks for the comments. At any hour. I’m always honored when you stop by.
sorry ive been mia!
i hear you. working out helps me… and now im out of the routine for the last couple weeks and im dead tired again. but im too tired to get up in the am to do it, and too beat at night to go. a damn vicious cycle.
Such a sweetheart, you are.
You’ve probably already tried it but… sometimes, too, I do the clench and relax each part of my body bit. Clench your toes, count to three. Relax your toes, count to three. Clench your feet, count to three. Relax your feet, count to three, etc… working your way up your body. I find it relaxing. Of course, if the clenching does other things for you, wake up B. Or at least share the details the next morning.
Some Jack Daniels on the rocks lulled me to sleep last night… I slept like a baby.
Pssst. You’re welcome. Think of it as my holiday gift to you.
Unfortch I can’t really help you with the insomnia bit. But what I CAN tell you is that you know better than anyone else when something is wrong. You shouldn’t have to feel like ‘what’s wrong with me, I shouldn’t feel/sleep/not sleep/act/function this way’. Anxiety is a dragon which rears its head in many ugly forms, but it can be slain.
If you are cycling through those thoughts, and nothing is changing, definitely talk to your doctor. I finally sucked it up and did it and girl let me tell you – MIRACLES. I wrote down everything I wanted to say, just so I wouldn’t lose my nerve. Print out a copy of this post if you have to, and let her/him read it.
There is help out there, I promise. You are not alone.
I’m with you and Lem here.. if I don’t have 3 drinks before bed, I’m absolutely screwed. Vodka’s my medication since I found Ambien and Advil PM didn’t even touch me. The whole exercise thing didn’t help either.. so who the fuck knows. I’m just glad I’m not alone in my exhaustion.