(First of all, can I just say that today is definitely a vagina-freezing kinda day?? Yeah, I took the metro. Who loves you, my little hoo-ha?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week, my coworker (the one who’s training me) was out sick for four days with the malaria that’s going around. As such, it was up to me to handle everything for the better part of a week. While coming down with the malaria myself. And keep in mind that I still have only the smallest idea of what I’m doing at my job. I was constantly bombarded with requests barked at me by important people that sounded like gibberish (I hate acronyms), and every morning when I came in there was a pile of emails and memos and important documents that needed to be printed, organized, and distributed to the proper places… (of course, I’m still learning what those proper places are).
So, yeah. It was incredibly stressful and a little piece of me died approximately every hour when a new request I didn’t understand came in. One morning, I was sitting under a pile of papers the size of my head (if I was an elephant), and the head of my unit strode by. He was holding a Strictly Confidential office memo; a summary of one of my boss’ mid-year review. He asked me to make copies and distribute them in sealed envelopes to all the heads of the entire department. (You know, like the guy I made an ass out of myself in front of by singing karaoke at our holiday party.) Then I was to return the original to him.
Great! I thought. Something I definitely know how to do. As I was making good headway, I put the memo aside and continued sorting the mountain in front of me (which was probably my first mistake).
A half an hour later, all the emails and assortment of documents had been printed, organized and sent off to their respective destinations. Proud of myself, I sat back in my chair and looked back at the clean desk, satisfied.
Wait a minute. Clean? Desk? Holyshitfuck what have I done?!?
I looked around frantically, trying to recognize the words “Office Memo” or “Strictly Confidential” on the few remaining pieces of paper around me, but it quickly became clear that it simply wasn’t there. My heart pounded as I imagined having to go back to the head of my unit and say,
“Oh hey, bossman, remember that REALLY IMPORTANT STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL memo you threw my way, oh, an hour ago? The one that you signed off on, all official-like? And told me to give ONLY to the most important people in our whole department? The one you put FACE DOWN on my desk because it’s SUPER PRIVATE, i.e. no one else should see it, even a little bit, at ALL?…
Umm… got another copy on you?”
Omigodomigodomigod. So not happening. Way to build street cred my first day on my own, no?
In a panic, I pulled out the hundreds of pages I had put in the mailboxes to go out (thank the baby Jesus they hadn’t been picked up yet)… and looked through them all, one by one, thinking I must have stapled it onto the back of one of them.
15 minutes later? Nada. Nothing. Zip zilch. I put the piles back into the mailboxes and slumped over my desk, contemplating the pros and cons of admitting defeat… or throwing myself out the window. And the window was looking pretty damn good.
Suddenly, something blue glinted in the corner of my eye. My recycling bin! Surely I wouldn’t be that careless… that foolish… that whole-heartedly IDIODIC.
But since I know myself, I reached into the depths of the blue monster and pulled out the huge pile I’d tossed in just that morning… to reveal the Strictly Confidential, Super Important, Don’t You DARE Throw Me Away Official Memo, smiling up at me from the very bottom.
I made a noise akin to a humpback whale releasing 9 million gallons of water from his blowhole. My sigh of relief was surely heard by the angels in heaven themselves, who had clearly been watching over me (I guess everyone gets a little protection during the holiday season, no matter how naughty they’ve been…)
I quickly copied and distributed the memo, and handed the original back to my unit director with far, far too big a grin. He probably thought I wanted a cookie, but his “Ummm… thanks?” was all I needed to hear.
Other than “Here’s a shot of tequila, you’ve earned it!”, that is.
{ 35 comments }
Oh, wow…that situation is MOST DEFINITELY heart attack inducing. I would have probably had my first-ever panic attack!
Most of the lawyers I know call that the “Swallowing the vomit” moment. Disgusting, but a pretty damn accurate description.
“I thought that _you_ had the $15 million cheque.”
i choke on anxiety. so after reading this, i threw myself into the corner of a table to dislodge the fear of failure
Don’t die of malaria. Or have a heart attack. On the bright side, if you do die, you won’t have to worry about freezing Little LiLu.
Hahaha, it takes a while for you to get used to the acronyms here. My first week here I tried not to giggle every time my boss said SDD (one of our divisions). With her accent I could swear she was saying STD. It was a good couple of weeks in when I finally figured it out…
Oh man. Yeah, I probably would have had a panic attack, myself.
My boss sometimes gives really obscure requests, like, “Can you find me that article that had to do with South Korea? It came out some time in the last three months?” Oh yeah, no biggie. I’ll get right on that.
Girl, that was gut wrenching. I liked your sound akin to that of a whale! Too funny. Glad the blue monster was good to you.
Beach Bum, I once worked on a project where STD was an acronym for something other than sexually transmitted disease! Even worse, one of the first projects presented to me in a staff meeting was called the “Puerto Rico STD clean up”. I burst out laughing and said that sounds like I’m being sent to PR with hypodermic needles and condoms…I was met with blank stares.
Oh, yes. That feeling and I are best friends.
Good job on not getting fired, buttercup.
woa baby. i got anxious just reading this.
i still think you have lotsa street cred, fyi.
Yay! Happy ending!
And we are all about the TLAs (Three Letter Acronyms where I work). Sometimes we come up with the same TLA for more than one thing. Dee-lightful.
Good karma is always benefitical. You must be doing something right.
I would have cried. Big and bad cried.
I would be willing to bet that the sound of relief might have been closer to the whale releasing something besides water. Just trying to keep it classy and all.
At least you stuck it in the garbage rather than someone’s box (that’s what she said). Like, say, the person it is about. That could have been messy.
Glad you weren’t fired.
Um, yeah, we’re putting new cover sheets on the TPS reports. Didn’t you get the memo?
Zandria: No kidding. I about had my 100th. Where’s my medal?
Fearless: HA. I know exactly what you mean… there was definitely a bile-threat.
f.B: We can count to 10 and breathe together…
Malnurtured Snay: True enough. I still think she’d prefer not dying to dying… she’s got a lot of “livin” to do, if you know what I mean…
Beach Bum: Could you open up TIMS- no, not TAIMS- to get the CDD and copy the TA to the ER? THANKS.
Liebchen: I truly cannot stand people like that… don’t they get sick of being spoken to like they’re 5 year olds when you have to ask them to clarify 19 times??
Lemmonex: I thought I was?? I will punch that feeling right in the FACE.
Brookem: Thanks darlin. You know we Massholes are tough
I was given an important white paper to have copies made and ready for a meeting that was a week later. Well, I believe a clean desk is the sign of an empty mind. So I kind of misplaced them. The morning the copies were to be made I realized I should get a move on, but couldn’t find the orignial. Needless to say I was cursing up a storm to remember I placed them in the “safe place.” Rather than ramble, longer. I hear ya, sista! Hope you’re feeling better.
LA Cochran: For serious. I can already think of a couple here that have double meanings. WHAT are you trying to DO to me, people??
Jerry Critter: I like your theory… I’m going with that.
Kate: I was close, no lie.
Refugee: And you know I almost went there, too.
Foggy: Between you and Refugee today, I think my work here is done.
Uncle Eb: I’m gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Saturday…
Miss Scorpio: Good to know I’m not alone! And trust me, I’ve created my own “safe place” after that mess!
How could you not have street cred after a rousing round of karoke at the company Christmas party??
I’m pretty sure my stock went up at ours on Friday when I rocked out “Can’t Touch This” complete with dance moves.
(Mental Note: Stay away from the Firefly Vodka. It may taste like sweet tea, but it is still vodka and one should probably use a mixer even though you don’t really need one. M’kay?)
Cheers Dahling – Here is a virtual shot of tequila. You’ve earned it!!
I can’t imagine watching “the head of my unit” stroll by.
I’d be sitting there trying to figure out:
a) how did it get cut off and
b) when did it learn to walk?!?
How you maintained your composure is beyond me.
“everyone gets a little protection during the holiday season, no matter how naughty they’ve been”
Sometimes I think the naughty get the most TLC. Just so they can laugh at your ass for a few minutes when the screw ups occur.
O.M.G. I almost had a heart attack reading this. After my craptastic performance this morning…I needed this. Thank gd you are ok. Phew.
Sadly I recognized TIMS and TA. Geez, the acronyms are different in every department, ick!! If I ever move, I’ll be lost again!
your boss is an ass for not giving you that cookie. Just saying.
I was having “the palpitations” just reading! Glad there was a happy ever after, now you can have some Eggnog to celebrate! Woohoo!
Scaryscaryscaryscary. I definitely would’ve panicked. Glad you found it and sorry you didn’t get a cookie.
I hope you at least read the memo. I would have!
Belle: B and I have consumed at least one bottle of Firefly sweet tea vodka per week for the past few months (since we found out they sell it a block away from us). That shiz. Is. AMAZING!
Moog: And when did it get a law degree??
Katherine: “Sometimes I think the naughty get the most TLC.” Yuh huh. Git yo mind out the gutter, girlie.
Kass: Those questions are ass-up random- don’t sweat it, darling.
Beach Bum: Story of our lives…
Life On Edge: Oatmeal raisin, please!
Fiona: Make mine cinnamon!
Lisa: Or a shot of tequila. Either way.
Maxie: DUH. I’m not an idiot… oh wait… this post is proof otherwise. Whoops!
I have had similar mishaps with raise emails and income statements.
You’ve earned at least half a bottle with that adventure…….
Whew! oh my! You’re new, you’re coping, and whether or not you manage to ‘land gracefully’ every time, I bet that your hanging in there during malaria season, is being noticed.
btw – with those two words you reminded me how glad I am to be away from the land of cold this season. We did have ‘blowing sand’ as our weather yesterday, but my girly parts were not the least bit affected.
Holyshitfuck what have I done?!?
around my lab that is common phrase!
I hate moments like that… I have them all to frequently and mine usually involve some form of government document that I CANNOT lose.
If you ever do lose something and get caught remember these three easy steps
1. Lie
2. Deny
3. Act surprised
Truth be told they work in your personal life too!
I’m quite certain that I would have actually had a heartattack. OR took a dump in my drawers. One or the other. Or perhaps both.
Congrats on staying cool under pressure! And as said above…if you didn’t find it, the simple solution would have been to claim that Mr. BossGuy never gave it to you. Or that your cube buddy ate it.
verybadcat: You mean, other than the half you already drank?
Connie: By “two words”, I’m going to go ahead and assume you meant “frozen vagina”.
I took the metro again today.
Woolly: Words to live by.
Nothing Fancy: I should have just taken a dump in my drawers… that memo would have been the last thing on anyone’s mind.
God that is so funny. I’m afraid to post my annoying work stories on my blog because when I got my last promotion I found myself working with a man who was formerly a very good friend who knew I had one. Now he is the main source of my irritation. He came to my cube last Thursday as he left to be out for the rest of the year asking me if I would mind taking on the rest of his work that he hadn’t finished. I said yes before I realized that he was doubling my work load because he hadn’t done squat. Sigh. I wish we both didn’t know a lot of stuff about each other that we told when we were drunk in Denver last year.
Oh goodness that sounds like something i would do !!
Comments on this entry are closed.