Alrighty, folks. You know what day it is. Check yourselves before you wreck yourselves…
And because I love you and want to shield you from the dark and ugly horrors of the world, I’m going to take a page out of Brookem’s TMIT post last week and just alert my gentleman callers right here and right now…
WARNING: Period Post!
Proceed with caution…
When I was 19 or so, I met Bear. At least, that’s what his 2 year old niece called him, as she couldn’t say his name. Tré cute! Bear and I hit it off right away (when you’re both servers at TGIFriday’s, you have to band together or the blackness will take over your heart and quickly strangle you to death) and spent every waking minute together for a couple months. I was in my freshman year at Brandeis and absolutely miserable about it, so I was basically living with him instead of at the dorm.
One night, in the wee hours of the morning, I probably poked him in the eye or something, and somehow that led to us having that not-so-much-awake-in-fact-you-could-tell-me-this-was-a-dream-in-the-morning-and-I’d-totally-believe-you sex. Which can be nice… IF you don’t realize halfway through that you are COMPLETELY on the rag… AND you had one of those little doodads we womenfolk use to keep Aunt Flo in check UP YOUR COOCH BEFORE YOU STARTED HAVING RELATIONS.
Mother. FUCK.
I immediately freaked out, of course, and after I managed to tell him what had happened, so did he. When he woke up (after fainting from horror), we assessed the situation, and realized there was only one thing to be done.
The next half an hour was like a terrible, twisted game of Operation come to life.
I tried. He tried. The tweezers, the kitchen tongs, and his mom tried. (Kidding.) (Probably.) It was absolutely awful. I was getting closer and closer to hysterics as I started imagining having to go to the E.R. and (gulp) explain what had happened. I frantically read the box of tampons, looking for information about TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome, an illness gotten from having a tampon in for too long, for the menfolk) and wondered how long I could go waiting to see if it would… ahem… just work its way out.
Finally, after the better part of an hour, SCHLOOOP. Success. An enormous wave of relief (and a healthy dose of shame) washed over me.
We agreed to never speak of it again. I curled up in the fetal position and went to sleep.
There were some nightmares that night that are too gruesome to ever repeat…
Enjoy your breakfasts!
Other squeamish and vile TMI Thursday posts this week:
Brookem‘s TMI Thursday: Keeping It In Check.
I-66‘s TMI Thursday: Literary Classic Reprised.
ToBlogOr‘s The Poop Time Principle
Katherine‘s TMI Thursday: Where I Overshare For Your Pleasure, Vol. 3
Caitlin‘s TMI Thursday: No, Really, You Didn’t Need to Know.
J‘s TMI Thursday: Second Period
Julie‘s TMI Thursday: I’ll Join In
f.B‘s Patty Piper Pointed at a Peeking Pickled Pepper
CharlotteHarris‘s Because TMI Thursday Wasn’t TM Enough.
TMI Friday, but it still totally counts:
Marissa‘s TMI Friday?! MacGyver Style.
{ 33 comments }
morning relations= im a fan.
but yikes. i just squirmed in my chair a little reading this. i would have been flipping too.
one time? i forgot i had one in and went and put another in. what?! and ouch.
brandeis! come back to mass now and play with us!
While reading this I pinged LiLu:
“HOLY SHIT YOU ARE TELLING THIS!!!”
You are a brave woman. And I really don’t know if I could ever, ever let a man go digging in my peesh for a tampon. That’s some closeness right there.
hahahaha if i had a nickle for everytime i heard a story about a lost stick hahaha
good one. i’m going to have to step up my game.
you even warned me that this post was coming, and i still read it anyway. what is wrong with me?! lol… hilarious.
An ex once searched for an anxious half an hour for a missing condom before realizing that it was still on, just broken.
Ahhh, those crazy college days.
Oh, wow. I’ve heard about this happening, but still…I can’t imagine. Like Lemmonex, I can’t imagine having a guy go searching around like that (but it’s not like you really had any other choice!).
a guy going searching for it? Brave man… great post. Perfect TMI!
Did he use a flashlight?
Probably not and just as well, might have lost that too…lmao
Oh, LiLu…It’s hard to make me all squeamy icky, but you succeeded. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
You don’t want to hear the stories my BFF’s hubby (the doctor) has to tell about this type of thing. You will forever have nightmares.
Brookem: Ugh, I will come back to play… but never to Brandeis again.
Lemmonex: I can’t believe I shocked YOU. And I didn’t even mention poo! Whoops.
J: We are two very classy ladies.
Charlotte: I forgot I told you about that last week! I’m so ashamed! Oh wait… I just published it on the internet…
Fearless: He sounds like a winner. How’d you ever let that one get away?
Zandria: I think I’ve blocked out the actual… searching… UGH.
Doug: I don’t think anyone can deny this post was truly, TRULY, TMI.
Fiona: Thank god that did not occur to us.
Lisa: I win!
Katherine: You’re right. I don’t. Except now I kinda do. HH?
I hope you blew him for that.
He’s a dentist now. “Oops, I seem to have lost my dental dam.”
Never say that I didn’t contribute to TMI Thursday.
OUCH!!! I am clutching my crotch with sympathy pains.
66: Blew what?
Fearless: I just snarfed reading that.
Brett: You are clutching for women everywhere, my dear.
Uh, the dude who fished out your cotton pony. He deserved a little something, you know, for the effort.
If I’d been drinking anything, it would have been spit-sprayed all over my desk. HA! I’m tempted to tell this story to my macho man co-workers just to watch them squirm.
What about when you’re about to have sex and she goes, “wait”, and rips it out and stuff sit on her nightstand?
Um, not saying that’s happ…
gotta go.
you have given me confidence. i did not know this was possible. i had felt pushback before — like a traffic jam in the tunnel — but assumed it was a lack of interest so strong i could actually feel it. but now, maybe at least once, it was merely absurdly disgusting
I decided to take your advice at the top of the post and avoid reading today’s TMI.
Then I thought, how bad can it be?
Then I read SCHLOOP and wished I had gone with my first instinct.
For that, you’re buying me a beer now.
66: Somehow, I don’t think either of us were exactly “in the mood”.
Brian: Do it! But send me pictures of their faces when they get to, “SCHLOOOOP”!
rs27: I’ve definitely done the super surreptitious… ahem… disposal… but at least I tried to hide it. AND it went in the trash, not the nightstand(?!?)
f.B: [I] assumed it was a lack of interest so strong i could actually feel it…
I absolutely CRACKED UP at that. You are vindicated, my friend.
Arjewtino: I deserve that. How about a saki bomb, in keeping with the theme tomorrow? It’ll be like we’re obnoxious 21 year olds in a Penang in the suburbs all over again!
Fabulous post. I had this happen with a CONDOM. Not as gross, I mean except when it came out in the shower three days later.
EWWWWWWWWW.
I definitely squirmed a little bit in my seat. Yep, and still squirming now, thinking about it.
Then I talked to a (female) co-worker about it and she goes, “I just don’t think it’s that gross…maybe ’cause it’s happened to me before?”
Oy.
Kass: Condoms are slippery suckers, too.
And, at least it came out in the shower…
Liebchen: That seems to be the determinant for whether people can stomach it or not. Whoops!
Fishing for that slippery condom is not fun either. Blech.
Period/tampon stories are way too much fun. I’m totally loving TMI Thursdays. Good call.
I cannot even begin to describe how much I identify with this post. That would be “TMI Comments” Thursday and I’m shy. Just not enough.
been there. like you, not proud of it. uggggggh
If you’re buying Arjewtino something alcoholic, feel free to kick in to the Get Snay Drunk fund, eh?
OMG! This story made me cringe. That is one of my biggest fears! I can’t believe you had to go through that…definitely makes for an interesting story though! =]
OMG!!!! I can’t stop laughing!!!! OMG!!!! Hilarious story (for me…not for you…sorry for the uncontrollable laughter at your expense).
Seriously…thanks for the great laugh this morning. Hopefully I’ll settle down by noon…
LOL LOL LOL
LiLu, we have to be long lost sisters. Because a very similar experience has happened to me. Good to know I’m not the only fool that has forgotten she was receiving a visit from Aunt Flo.
Kate: “Fishing” is right. HA!
Julie: Yours is a welcome addition this week, my dear.
Kristin: That’s okay. I brought enough TMI for the whole class.
Alexa: Welcome! And yeah, it happens to the best of us.
Malnurtured Snay: All you have to do is stand next to me after I’ve had a couple. I get very generous.
LMO: Better me than you!
NothingFancy: You are so welcome. Stick around, hun, it’s only gonna get better.
Miss Scorpio: We are only two of many, my dear. MANY.
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