I was going to write another happy-go-lucky sunshiney post about how excited I am for the HOLIDAYS!!! (in light of the first snow yesterday! and all), but apparently I am just a wee bit too goddamn chipper/schmoopy lately for y’alls liking. FINE. I will get all serious-like on your asses. But you asked for it.
There’s a subject that’s been popping up in my conversations a lot lately, whether via-interweb or real-person. It’s a problem that comes in all shapes and sizes, but it generally boils down to this:
What do you do when your girl’s with the wrong man?
This topic was broached in three different ways for me just yesterday (in REAL life), and it’s an all-too-often subject on the bloggies as well.
My fantabulous friend J introduced her bff to her bf this weekend, and worried that one might not care for the other. Of course they did (phew!), but what if they hadn’t? Would her friend have told her? Would she have expressed her concerns, the reasons why she thought he might not be THE ONE? I believe that men are much more vocal about their opinions and will readily tell their friend if they’re not feeling his new girl. If this is the case, it is simply noted and the guys move on. Womenfolk, however, have been burned time and again when they tell their friend what they really think… and by the age of 19 or so, we just don’t anymore. We know better.
It ain’t going to make one bit of difference, so you might as well keep your mouth shut and have your arms ready to hold her when the world finally comes crashing down. The only thing telling her you don’t like him will accomplish? Will be the loss of your friend.
I’ve been on both sides, watching her waste time with Schmucky McSchmuckerson… and wasting time with Schmuchky McSchmuckerson myself. The whole time, you know something’s not right, you can feel that it just isn’t perfect…
Just not enough to do anything about it.
Sometimes you’re madly in love, even though he’s horrible for you. Sometimes you’re killing time, waiting for Mr. Right to come riding in on his steed. Sometimes you’re kind of bored, and you’ve just got nothing better to do.
These are all 100% unacceptable excuses, by the way. And we know this. We know it while we’re IN IT.
And still, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t deter us from making insanely wrong decisions and wasting more and more of our time with the Wrong One That We Totally Know Is Wrong But For Some Reason We Just Can’t Let GO.
I’ve even had to let a friend go completely, because I just couldn’t watch her suffer anymore. She slept every night in her boyfriend’s home for a YEAR, she had all her stuff there… but he refused to give her a key to the house, because that would mean they were Living Together and that was wrong. He didn’t want that title. She caved and ran back to him over and over again, no matter how badly he treated her. Finally, I had to realize that I couldn’t help her, she didn’t want help, and let her go. I hope she’s happy, wherever she is.
Over beers last night, a wise friend said that he thought part of the problem was that while men can easy talk about their feeeeeling with women-friends, and therefore get the emotional perspective that they may be missing from their guy-friends, girls often don’t have the reverse. We talk about our feeeeelings with our girlfriends till the cows come home, and they say, “Follow your heart! You’ll know what’s right!” While this is lovely advice, we often do not get the male perspective on the situation, which would generally (I’m gonna be sexist for a minute, so deal) be a more rational, logical way of looking at the situation. In order to evaluate a situation and truly decide the best path, both perspectives are needed. As always, it’s about Balance.
So to all the women out there with The Wrong One, think carefully. Choose wisely. Because your time is precious… don’t waste it on some jerk who doesn’t appreciate you. You are beautiful and lovely and just too wonderful for words! Leave him in the dust, and go celebrate your freedom… until The Right One comes along. Because TRUST me, you’ll know.
Your friends can’t say it, but I will…
(Sigh.)
And on a lighter note, don’t forget… tomorrow is TMI Thursday!!!
{ 27 comments }
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Absolutely. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
What? I must be the exception to the rule, I have never had a man waste my time.
You lost me on this one Liv.
Your points are well noted – and well written even if we did not get the daily dose of snarkasm we have come to expect from you despite your recent bout of the shmoopy shmoopies.
You were most accurate, in my opinion, when you wrote of balance. Finding the balance between heart, head, and gut is not easily done.
Too bad women don’t have a similar code to man law.
I think it sort of depends on *how* somebody is bad for somebody else. Like emotionally or physically abusive? That clearly requires careful input. After that, it gets cloudy. The fact is, nobody but the people in a relationship can ever truly know the relationship. And while people certainly rationalize bad situations and stay together for all the wrong reasons, a lot of the time, it really isn’t the place of outside parties to decide what’s acceptable and what’s not.
In May of 2003 I went to one of my best girl buddy’s wedding. At the rehearsal party the evening before the only thing I could think of when I saw her was she looked like a deer in the headlights of a Peterbilt. A really big Peterbilt driven by a guy tweeked on meth.
Due to jobs in different parts of the country I had yet to have the pleasure of meeting her hubby-to-be until that night.
Didn’t like him from the first moment. Despite this, I kept my mouth shut. A first for me.
Come July she’s moved out and by September she’s calling a lawyer to start the divorce.
All it would have taken to spare my friend this pain was for me to have spoken the truth.
About a year later I told her this and how I felt the whole thing was a bit my fault. She disagreed. She told me the whole thing was entirely my fault and that I should have grabbed her and driven her away into the night.
Alls well that ends well. Lessons learned and all that. We’re still friends and, best of all, her new guy has passed the Foggy Approval Test with flying colors.
Also, it’s kind of funny, we both used the “choose wisely” line today.
After three years of therapy, I’m sometimes grateful that the Not Right One died on me. I’m not sure I would have ever left him. And now that I’m dating again? I see ‘em coming and I head them off at the pass. I might just be getting healthy or some such nonsense.
friends don’t let friends make horrible mistakes. if you see disaster coming, you have to steer a friend away. and if the friend is insistent upon taking her or his chances with total emotional annihilation, you have to grab your anti-annihilation protective gear, pack up and let go. because as soon as you become the friend whose genuine concern is only useful when it’s convenient, you’ve got your own personal disaster.
that said, anything short of disaster is something we have to let them figure out on their own. it’s sort of like when parents pay the car insurance for their newly-driving teenage kid. like, “All right, but you’re on your freaking own if you drive off a cliff playing chicken like that guy who lost to Keanu Reeves in Paula Abdul’s video for Rush, Rush.
good post – I am in this situation – I think he is getting kicked to the curb.
I like you serious, babe. it suits you.
I am with HP–it is such a fine line. I generally say something once and then shut my mouth. You never really know whats happening in a relationship. Turns out, a lot of people really didn’t like one of my exes…but I really did love him at the time. Someone saying something would have just angered me. I am glad they weren’t too harsh when we were together.
I agree with Lemmonex and HP. I am coming on 30–AHH–and I have seen the dissolution of many relationships that I thought were terrible for my friends in their early and mid 20s.
And so many of them recently married wonderful guys–so I think a lot of people really do move on on their own when it is not right for them.
But I did have a friend in an abusive relationship and I was honest with her from the start and eventually we had to literally drag her out of the apartment she shared with him.
She is now married to the most incredible man and routinely thanks us for “saving her.”
On the other hand…there was a husband of another friend who always rubbed us the wrong way. I kept it to myself because she never complained and there was no abuse.
Another friend DID make her feelings known and was cut out…the friend in the relationship dropped her as a friend–she was beyond hurt that she had not asked for advice but was given it.
CUT to–9 years later…this is the hubbie who she just divorced after finding out he was cheating, stealing from the IRS, stealing millions from his business partner and had a massive whore and coke problem.
SO–telling her back then about “bad feelings” did nothing but alienate the friend…the situation still happened as it would.
I think when advice is asked for–walk finely–and if it is not and it is not an emotionally or physically abusive situation–stay out.
But with emotional or physical abuse, you should ALWAYS intervene.
Always.
Phew.
First of all, let me just say how truly touching all of your comments are. I’m glad I took a break from the funny, and thank you all, so much, for sharing your thoughts.
Fearless: You made your break. Congrats, lady.
Lisa: I hope you clicked on the “you’ll know” link.
16 Paws: There’s that daily dose of sarcasm we were missing! Thanks for that…
Refugee: Flattery will get you everywhere. “Balance between head, heart, and gut”- I love that.
Miss Scorpio: Hope and change- Yes we can!
HP: Absolutely, I agree that no one can truly know what it’s like inside a relationship. We discussed that last night as well, and it’s so true.
Foggy: Glad it ultimately ended well, and fairly quickly too. “Choose wisely”… easier said than done…
Kate: Heading them off before you get in deep is definitely the way to go. You should write a book.
f.B: “As soon as you become the friend whose genuine concern is only useful when it’s convenient”… what a PERFECT way of putting it. We’ve all been there before.
Zip: Do it, woman. You will be better for it.
Lem: That’s the danger. I guess we’ll all just have to play by ear for each situation.
Kass: Agreed, abuse = intervene immediately. Thanks for sharing your stories, lady!
well in my case I thought I knew about my ex, but apparently he didn’t. Then with my now husband I have oscillated between knowing and doubting for about a year (probably due to previous heartache exposure). Now I know. I may not be a very perfect example (duh).
I do recall though ‘knowing’ that I was in a doomed relationship and not getting out of it. splendid.
When people ask me why I am back with eCrush, I’m linking them to this.
I was just goofing off earlier (who me?). You are correct in many of your observations, and I enjoy all of your posts — schmoopy, chipper, snarky and otherwise.
However, I absolutely reserve the right to be very wrong at least a few more times before I get it right.
I think you hit the nail on the head – it’s all about balance. And that balance is so incredibly delicate.
I have a friend who hooked up with a guy I was working with at the time and they eventually became engaged. I was cringing inside the entire time they were together because she accidentally met him through me, even though I in no way encouraged it. The guy may have been a jerk in love, but he was a jerk nonetheless, and she just didn’t see it for a while. I wasn’t close enough to her to feel like I had the right to say too much about it. I did say a few things though. Thankfully they got disengaged. Then she married some other jerk and then finally she married a super nice guy who is perfect for her. It just doesn’t pay to rush into things. It is definitely better to be alone and proud of it than to be stuck with some lame asshole. But I guess it’s hard to tell who is an asshole sometimes.
I think if you tell a friend something she doesn’t want to hear, and she doesn’t stop to consider why you might be saying such a thing to her, and decides to sacrifice the friendship for the guy, then your friendship probably wasn’t as valuable to her as you thought – and although that may be something you might not want to find out, it is useful to know.
Your last paragraph sums it up perfectly. Simply perfect!
Slightly different…but still along the same lines. I wish my friends had told me BEFORE I left my ex husband – that he was carousing, etc. But no, they waited until I suffered through making the tough decision to leave – and then and only then felt comfortable telling me.
Sigh…I’ve gone on a tangent.
Bottom line – good job, LiLu!
Fairy: I’m glad you’re happy now! Previous heartache exposure- I believe that’s the medical term.
Katherine: You’re welcome.
Fearless: Motion carried.
Cyndy: Agreed. Okay, it is decided- from now on, women shall also tell their girlfriends when they are dating Mr. Wrong! It’s official now.
Dearest friend: Why didn’t you WARN me if you saw what he was like?
Me: You wouldn’t have listened.
Dearest friend: That’s true.
Me: But you figured it out on your own and I’m glad you did!
Oh and on if guys “tell their friend if they’re not feeling his new girl”–I would think if they were “feeling his new girl” that would be the end of the friendship. But maybe I’m old school that way.
Joke.
Having watched my best friend be totally “used” by a guy we had both known for some time, I got so angry with him ( he was making wise cracks about her behind her back) that I decided enough was enough. Here’s how it went
Me; You know honey I don’t think you should keep letting him use you.
Best Friend; F Off
With hindsight, I’d tell her exactly the same…
That doesn’t sound right, I wouldn’t tell her to F Off I’d tell her what I told her. Again. Oh heck you get what I mean
i think it’s a fine line of when or when not to say something to a friend. of the hows and whys he might be wrong. and there is SO much that goes on behind closed doors that we just will never know, you know?
i also think that some people just end up dating a lot of doozies before stumbling upon mr. right. and ive been right there with the best of them. i guess it just helps us to recognize the good ones all the more when they come around.
i really liked this (albeit serious) post.
ps- my tmi post is written and on deck to publish in the am. woot!
I enjoyed the turn to seriousness as I bite my tongue from the “I TOLD you so” that I want to scream at a brokenhearted friend. I’m just being here for her.
This post is priceless….
someone had to say it!
Relationships, money, and politics can be discussed but never pushed. But it is always nice when everyone agrees.
your last paragraph did this to me. sniff. tear. sniff.
La Cochran: HA. That’s what she said.
Fiona: I do know what you mean. And I think you definitely did the right thing… she had a right to know the truth, even if she chose to ignore it.
brookem: So many doozies…
Kristin: You’re a good friend. At this point, there’s not much more you can do. At least she’s on the downslope…
Woolly: Thanks!
J: You are so right about this.
Venomiss: It’s true, lady! Love your guts.
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