The scene: Our living room. I am on the couch, hungover and curled in a ball of self-pity furiously researching for our upcoming trip to Costa Rica. B had been taking a shower, or so I thought. Turns out he was actually admiring himself in the mirror for god knows how long.
He strides in, shirtless, a man on a mission. He looks like a 10 year old boy who just got a BB gun for Christmas and it’s raining evil squirrels outside.
“BABY,” he says, breathless from excitement, or maybe because he woke up at 8am and played soccer for an hour and a half while I slept in. Whatever. I made him breakfast. “BABY,” he cries joyously, “don’t I have the world’s MOST PERFECT NIPPLES?!”
I looked at him, trying to decide if he was joking. Assured that he is 100% superdeadserious, I proceed cautiously. “Yes, darling,” I coo, “you have the most beautiful man-nipples on the planet.”
“No, seriously, look! Aren’t they just the perfect size? I really think they are. And there’s nothing worse than a man with huge nipples,” he gazes lovingly at his man bits and thrusts them into my face for closer inspection.
“Well, that’s just crazy,” I mumble from underneath his Adonis-like nipplage. “It’s FAR worse for a woman to have bad nipples than for a man.”
“No way,” he says indignantly. “Definitely grosser for a man!”
“Oh, come on, babe- three words: dinner plate nipples. Way worse!” (Ha, you were all excited about some freakish boobage there, huh? Well, you know how to google. Have at it, hoss.)
“Uh uh. Bad nipples on a man, the worst. Absolutely.” I’m waiting for him to bust out the graphs and flow charts. I remember the structure for a persuasive essay from 9th grade English and try a little hard evidence to back up my hypothesis.
“But babe, women’s nipples are on a sexual part of the body. If her nips are bad, that’s messing with the SEX.” I think I’ve got a home run here.
“Are you saying my nipples aren’t sexual??” B asks, wounded and fearful that the importance of the perfection of his nipples has suddenly lessened in value.
“Yes, I am saying that your nipples are not sexual,” I laugh, delighting just a bit too much in his misery.
“You’re a madman,” he pouts, arms folded across his now-less-glorious chest.
“Mad-woman,” I point out, and win yet ANOTHER super important point of debate.
He looks over at me and says meaningfully, “Prove it.”
(Next Thursday I turn 25 years old, which means people will be expecting me to be all grown-up and stuff. I figure I might as well be as immature as possible for the next week. Join me.)
Let’s take a vote:
A) I have night terrors about large and/or hairy man-nipples coming after me in the shower.
B) A lovely woman with mis-sized nips is like a pre-op tranny: Just plain wrong.
C) A bad nipple is a bad nipple, and they’re equally disturbing on a he-beast or a she-devil.
D) I can’t believe you had an intense argument about nipple size, and you should probably never have children.
F) Can we please set up a webcam in your apartment, because this shit is unbelievable and you guys could be the next Newlyweds, only both of you are Jessica.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 29 comments }
I have seen weirder shit that big nipples.
You need a hobby and some culture in your life that doesn’t include beer. Wine perhaps?
I think that this falls within the statute of limitations and Frank can be blamed for all of this.
Though I wish I could claim this post is 100% untrue, sadly it is not. However I do take issue with how Liv described my argument against gigantic man nipples. My point was that huge weird nipples on a woman are less objectionable because the rest of the boob is there to distract one’s view. In contrast, on a man, if there are ginormus nipples that’s all you’ve got. A relatively flat chest with two PROMANENT, enormous nipples. Gross.
B, for the love of all things holy, put the shovel away man.
Lem: My teeth are still purple from last night. Mission accomplished.
Refugee: Ah, Frank. I’m not sure if he’s ever seen nipples…
B: Give it up, babe. I totally won this one.
ha! oh this is a good one.
i can kind of see what b is saying about the nip on the dude being the main… event, so to speak, in regards to the chest, but im with you in that a bad nip on a girl is much, much worse.
again with the TMI stuff that you and i seem to have such a penchant for. woot.
Brookem: HA! I believe B will have to concede victory now.
PS: TMI is my best color. It’s totally in this fall.
Your teeth turn purple from wine, too? Yay! I feel less bizarre now. I totally get wine mouth (lips, tongue, teeth gets stained). Probably not a good sign. Whatev.
Anyway, um, I vote for G) He’s got too much time on his hands.
You can be immature for as long as you want. I know I am planning on doing just that. Immaturity for life!
Lacochran: G) was the correct answer. You win nothing, because I drank all the wine last night.
lbluca77: Welcome… and let me just go ahead and say right now, I’m sorry. It’s a bit of a mess over here.
I actually think the only thing grosser than HUGE HUGE HUGE nipples on a woman are super teeny ones.
I saw them on someone once and I almost crapped myself in terror. Super teeny nipples on a woman make the boobs manly looking. Like she might walk around the beach in boxers and no top.
Only men should have super teeny nipples.
AND huge nipples on a guy is GROOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSS.
So I guess I am making a whole diff argument here.
I say:
Super huge on either gross.
Super teeny on girl gross.
I love immaturity!
Kass: Agreed on the super teeny tiny creep factor. I’d still take tiny over dinner plates, but definitely also disturbing.
At my birthday party I should put a sign inside the door that says: Please Leave Your Maturity Here.
Yeah, I’m gonna have to agree with B… weird nipple on a woman is like a lone, freakishly odd tree in a forest of boob. On a man, however, weird nipple is like one lone freakish tree standing on a bare hill.
Foxy: Maybe it’s a man v. woman preference, since we don’t really care about the forest of boob.
Man nipples are very sexual. And that’s all I’m going to say about that…
25 and all grown up? Never!!!
Oh yes. My friends and I like to play a little game called “Pepperoni or Salami?”
Fearless: I was just teasing… the man oozes sex from every pore, of course. (Love you darling!)
Venomiss: HA that’s hilarious. Maybe we should add bacon bits in there for KassyK?
Nipples should be proportionate to the size of the breast. Big boobs = bigger nipples. I have no idea if mine are considered small, medium or large but, in that they are hard most of the time, does it really matter?
Frecks: Haha- TMI really is the new color for fall, isn’t it?
Livitluvit said: “Lacochran: G) was the correct answer. You win nothing, because I drank all the wine last night.”
I won! I won! I… oh, poo.
Bacon panties. That is all.
I totally need to have a contest and make a pair of bacon panties the prize.
The only problem is that they’ll shrink when you cook ‘em.
This is hysterically similar to a conversation I had a few weeks ago with my girlfriend.
That one, though, had nothing to do with nipples.
To know what ours was about, you’ll need to ply me with much alcohol.
Fearless: If there’s a will, there’s a way. Maybe cook them around a watermelon, and then slide them off? That’s what she said. Wait, no. That’s just wrong.
Arjewtino: Foreheads? Balls? Taints?
Now I want to know. Too bad Lacochran and I drank all the wine.
As a founding member of the Don’t Laugh at My ‘Dinner Plate Nipples’ Club, I will obviously say that nipples don’t exactly make the person… they’re just an add-on.
I need to clarify, however, that no man has ever said a bad word about my bare tits. Compliments all around.
Team Dinner Plates!!
Jules: From reading your blog, I’m sure you’ve gotten no complaints. xoxo
I only really notice man nips if they are wobbling on the end of Man Boobs.
So I vote:-
H)Man nipples on Man Boobs suck,
oh, especially if he has a “Uniboob”
Fiona: UNIBOOB, oh my lord, that is awesome. I’m totes stealing it.
Comments on this entry are closed.