Next Up, I Manage to Tie My Shoe!

Since you went so long without any Confessionary Tales of LiLu-ism, I believe it’s time. See how I love you?

This morning I woke up (if you can call it that- I was sort of conscious. Hi, entire bottle of red wine! Great party last night) and stumbled into the bathroom. I turned the shower on, stripped down, and checked out my 80′s porno bikini, also known as my ridiculous tan lines from CR. Fortunately/unfortunately, they are fading nicely, although that might be partially due to the day when I decided to make Playa Cocles a topless beach. What? We were trying to body surf in the Caribbean and apparently waves + cheap Victoria’s Secret bikini tops = LiLu is naked every time she coasts a wave anyway, so why not just be done with it? Thankfully, a half a dozen girls quickly followed suit. Basically, I led a topless revolution in a Catholic country. Take that, Baby Jesus! (And NO, there are no pictures to document that proud moment in my life, other than the ones in B’s head. And in the minds of the group of 12 year old Costa Rican boys who biked by, loudly voicing their appreciation. What can I say? I’m a giver.)

Anyhoo, after examining the contrast of my lilly white Irish ass to my sunkissed (read: BURNT) shoulders and extra-freckled nose, I suited up my toothbrush with a dollop of paste and tried to give the whole “brushing my teeth” thing a go.

SPLOP. The entire glob of toothpaste fell, very ceremoniously, onto my right boob. (I swear I heard a Lolcat say “Toofbrushin FAIL”.)

Okay, no big deal. No one saw it, and it’s not like I’m going to write about it and post it on the internet or anything. (That would be ridiculous…) So, without a second thought, I picked it up with the toothbrush, and proceeded with Brushing My Teeth: Attempt #2.

SPLOP. This time it skillfully avoided my mounds of womanhood and decorated my left foot instead. I was kind of impressed that it landed directly on my one foot-freckle, though.

Since I had no one else to look at and be all, “Holy crap, you saw that right? Did that really just happen?” I gave my reflection in the mirror a knowing, pitiful glance. That way I could pretend it was Mirror-LiLu who was speshul instead of me: Oh, you silly girl. What are we going to do with you?

Chuckling at her klutziness, I scooped the glob up with my toothbrush, and all determined-like, managed to get it into my mouth and brush my teeth.

As Lem would say (while patting my head), “Don’t worry about it. That’s why you’re pretty.”