You know your job is boring when you regard all the sharp objects as a way to make things more “interesting” around the office. As a result, the lovely Lemmonex and I pass our tedious days by gchatting for hours on end. There are only 2 rules to our conversations:
1) Everything is in complete confidence, mostly because if any normal person read even two paragraphs, they would recoil in horror from complete and utter disgust. I’ve mentioned our water drinking game, yes? Double points for making someone snarf their beverage while LOLing.
2) ALWAYS try to trump the other person and push it one step farther (so far, we haven’t met a line we couldn’t and wouldn’t cross. I’m proud of us for that).
Our sense of humor may be twisted, but at least we have each other.
Lemmonex: why are we so funny?
LivitLuvit: god made us this way, so that we could endure
Lemmonex: thanks jesus
Anyhoosits, pretty much every day is spent giggling like schoolgirls as we count down the minutes to freedom, and hate on humanity with sweeping generalizations. Today, inspired by Shannon’s post about internet dating, we may have signed up for one such site so that we could scour the interwebs for… um… how to say this nicely… basically, to find the most inbred-looking, bad-toupee-wearing, highest-creep-factor profiles we could… and rip them to shreds. With love, of course! Kisses.
In order to sign up, we had to create a user name. Not wanting to be subjected to the unwanted advances of the tardulous masses, we spent the next 15 minutes coming up with the most repellant and repugnant messages we could possibly send to the male online dating community… and I thought I’d share them with you.
LivitLuvit: IHeartGossipGrl
Lemmonex: ILuvUnicorns
LiLu: 14CatsNCountng
Lem: PickUpUrGodDamnedShoes
LiLu: NagWomanHatesUrSmellySocks
Lem: DimndsRAGrlsBF
LiLu: OnlyTiffanys
Lem: TheRashFinallyClearedLiLu: WhyDontULuvMe
Lem: NoOneTouchesLikeDaddy
LiLu: DoUHaveATrustFund
Lem: AmExBlackOnly
LiLu: No(Credit)Limit4Luv
Lem: WilUBrushMyHair
LiLu: UglyFeet (no foot fetish guys)
Lem: TickingClock
LiLu: PawningOffMyUnrequitedLoveOnFurryThings
Lem: IWillTest You
LiLu: DoILookFatInThis
And let’s bring it home…
Lem: IWontAbort
LiLu: PinsNCondoms
Yes, we are most assuredly two very twisted individuals. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Nikki (8)
allison (6)
meleah rebeccah (6)
Christina Harper (5)
Herding Cats (5)
Just A Girl (5)
Kellie (5)
moooooog35 (5)
{ 26 comments }
Why is no one messaging me? I don’t get it.
Signed,
DustInCrotch
Dear DustInCrotch,
Me too! Maybe the site’s down?
Sincerely,
JustTheHIVNotAIDS
Dear Both of You.
If I find out y’all are the random women stalking my profile…DEAD. I tell you. DEAD.
UsernameYouShouldn’tKnow
I wish I had G-Chat. Lucky!
xoxo,
HairyNipster, aka ITuckdIt
UGuysR2Much!
Dammit. Now I want to know what you chose.
Sincerely,
ThighDimples
The weird thing is that the one that probably scared me the most was IHeartGossipGirl.
Some of those aren’t as wierd as you think. Not even close…
StalkYouVeryMuch
UsernameIShouldn’tKnow: I am sneaky, like a cat. Or a moose. Love, PleaseDon’tKillMeICanPay
HairyNipster: I think g-chat makes me a worse person, truly. Love, LetMeShaveYou
UGuysR2Much: We know. Don’t judge. Love, WhereAreMyMeds?
For some reason this reminds me of standing in the soup line earlier, listening to the two women behind me.
“So, I saved the juice from the can of tuna, because he loves it. He drank it too quickly though, and went into the hallway and threw it all up.”
Love,
MyCatzRMyKidz
is that why guys don’t ask me out when I sign on as s0ap0peraluvr?
Dear ThighDimples: I’ll never tell… and we totally rhyme! Love, AssPimple
Arjewtino: You know you love the GG. XOXO, IActuallyReallyDoLoveGG,It’sTotesSad
StalkYouVeryMuch: I’m flattered! Do you have any cats? Love, IWillKickYourAssAtSmothering
MyCatzRMyKidz: Mr. Whiskers can’t help it if his widdle tum-tum is huwting, can he? Love, It’sTooLateForMe
s0ap0peraluvr: Guys LOVE television- everyone knows that! Must just be a technical glitch. Love, DeliveryIsMyBFFSoINeverMissAMinute
What did office workers do pre-internet?
ZOMG, am DYING over here. Will not even try to be creative and come up with a name…would rather wallow around in your putrid pool of delicious creativity.
Thank you, dear friends, thank you.
ha, these are great.
i may or may not have spent a good three hours one night shortly after i joined match with my best friend searching for random guys under keywords such as: “virgin,” “lives at home,” “momma’s boy,” “hairy,” and “celibite.” because clearly id like to date those guys.
im awful and going to hell.
signed,
baldsnot4me
Sadly NoOneTouchesLikeDaddy would actually attract and turn on certain types of guys.
-MaBalzIzHairy
Kristin: I am convinced they had booger-flicking wars. I mean for serious, what else was there??
Caitlin: It is putrid, but come on in, the water’s fine… (ie, we’ve been stewing in here a while. It’s kinda warm and squeeshy.)
BaldsNot4Me: Um, so guess what we’re going to be doing all day now? Thanks a lot.
MaBalzIzHairy: You’re probably right about that. It’s like a challenge for all the sick puppies out there. Love, INairMyTaint
INairMyTaint,
You are really missing out on some fun with your hairless taint.
Sincerely,
-BraidedTaintHairz
BraidedTaintHairz: I lied. I don’t Nair. I’m going bald and I’m very sensitive about it. Love, WayToRubItIn
WayToRubItIn,
You just gave me a great idea on how to update a product. It’s good to know there is a niche out there for everything.
V/R, MerkinMaker
P.S. I’m not only the president of Merkins for Taints, I’m also a member.
MerkinMaker: Are you also behind the PenIsMightier?? You owe me 50 bucks. Love, SeanConnery
SeanConnery,
How did you know I was behind PenIsMightier? On a side note, I was also behind INairMyTain last night, one of her favorite positions. (Don’t worry Nair, the photos are safe with me. Who loves ya baby?)
-MerkinMaker
hahaha. my old office mate and I used to do the same thing!!
WhyDontULoveMe & IWillTestU are awesome. That's f-ing hilarious.
How about this one:
BlackHoleofEmotionalNeed
BlackHoleofEmotionalNeed: Three of my cats just had kittens… interested? There’s nothing like something fluffy to fulfill that emotional void! Love, They’reJustWaitingForMeToDieSoTheyCanEatMyFace
“Lem: TheRashFinallyCleared
LiLu: WhyDontULuvMe”
Brilliant!
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