The Dead Horse: Watch Me Beat It

A few weeks ago, my bff Caitlin totally stole my idea for wrote the most fantabulous post about how angree the oblivious commuters in DC make us in our pants. (Really, it was just about her, but I’m totes throwing myself in there because I warned her about it when she moved here.) I also commented on her post that you could (as a blogger) have enough fodder from each commute to write that post EVERY. SINGLE. DAY, and just substitute whatever aggravating people and events had tripped you up on that particular commute. I stand by this claim, and I think most of you would agree.

Now, I am aware that I might be a tad bit oversensitive when it comes to hating on “everyone else” (see: people who get in my way; also, strangers). I can be, um, a little ornery, perhaps. (Me? Noooo… never.)

Ah well. I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam. Let me bitch it out for you!

As such, here’s a few tidbits I took notice of while metro-ing around our great nation’s capital recently. I.e., things that bug the piss out of me, please stop doing that why are you still doing that? I SAID LEAVE IT ALONE MOOOMMMMM SHE’S STILL STANDING ON THE LEFT SIDE AND I CAN’T GET BYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

You Are Officially An Asshat And Should Have Your Metro-ing Rights Immediately Rescinded If You Do Any Of The Following:

1. The most obvious: People who STAND on the left side of the escalator while everyone else in the entire world shoots daggers at the back of their head but no one actually mans up and says “EXCUSE ME JACKASS.” (Pussies.)

This has been touched so many times, I’m not even going to try, because I will most likely spontaneously combust from frustration that these people are not only allowed to walk around, they have most likely (or will at some point) reproduce. I swear, you should have to take a test to bear children, like driving. Either way, you’re threatening the human race. One’s just with a motor vehicle. The other’s with stupid. KEEP YOUR STUPID IN YOUR PANTS!!!

2. People who make a beeline for the escalator, only to freeze at the top, confused and bewildered about how they got to this time dimension.

Um… how do I say this nicely… it goes down. If that’s not where you want to be heading, you’ve got more problems than I’m licensed to deal with, ex-bartender or no. If we’re already inside the turnstiles and you’re trying to figure out which direction to go, okay I get it, I suppose it can be confusing if you’re not a seasoned veteran like the rest of us- but COULD YOU PLEASE STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE AND TWO-STEP TO THE LEFT WHILE YOU FIGURE IT OUT??? I know there’s a train coming rightthissecond but frankly, I know that I need to be on it. You, apparently, can’t read good. Might I suggest Derek Zoolander? He’s done wonderful things with people like you.

3. People who elbow their way to the turnstile thingies, then fumble for their ticket or SmartCard while everyone else clusterfucks behind them, sucking their thumbs and calling out for their mommies.

Oh, you can’t find your SmartCard? That’s fine- it happens- I guess the 10 minutes while you were standing on the left on the escalator wasn’t long enough to pull it out of your ass. No no- it’s cool- my train isn’t docked down there, tauntingly closing and reopening its doors for the third time, just as I get a shoelace stuck in the door- Aw, crap. If only I had a baby in a stroller right about now.

4. People who walk down to the platform where you’ve already been waiting for a train, then stop and stand DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU like they have a fucking designated spot or something. Apparently, it’s wherever will block your vision of, you know, everything.

Social grace, much? A little awareness, perhaps? And I don’t mean like, a few feet in front of me- I mean RIGHTTHEFUCKINFRONTOFMYFACE. I know I’m a Masshole and I generally require slightly more personal space than others do, I get that. BUT, when there are not a million people down here, and you saunter along contemplating the meaning of life or whatever, and then stop RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, so that I’m breathing down your neck and trying not to let you cop a feel when you reach behind you to surreptitiously pick at the wedgie your Dockers are giving you? Not cool. Or maybe you’re just trying to give me the old reach-around, which we can discuss, but I’d really feel more comfortable if you bought me a coffee or something first.

5. People who, instead of holding on to a specific three inches of pole on a crowded car, decide instead to catch a catnap at 90 degrees while draping their smelly commuter body across the ENTIRE pole.

As much as I love nestling into your armpit, sweaty fat man, or accidentally groping you, wee Mexican lady, I really think there’s a better way we could go about cementing our blossoming baby-love-fern of a relationship.

(Ed. note: This person always smells of one or more of the following: patchouli, an elderly cat who can no longer clean itself properly, or Chuck Norris‘ ballsack after a particularly rowdy ass-kicking).

***Super Special Bonus Round***: People who eat the old gum stuck on the bottom of the seats on the metro.

Just kidding. If anyone actually sees this happen, a la Will Ferrell in Elf, I believe it is your civic duty to immediately decapitate said gum-eater. Seriously. You’re doing it for the good of the human race.

Ahhh… there, I feel better. Continue to your normal day’s programming, for now. Up next: I yell at someone standing on the left of the escalator, only to find out that they are deaf and/or a child.*

*I actually have squealed and pointed out a Little Person before**, only to have him turn around and realize that he was, in actuality, a six-year-old***.

**We were in Bumfuck, Maryland. Who actually raises children there? Seriously, that’s just cruel.

***Shuttup. He was a stout little fucker.