Gah. Moving day. Today shall be spent arguing over ugly coatracks, fighting off the homeless, getting style advice from some trannys, and going postal at Uhaul.
As such, when Restaurant Refugee mentioned a topic he would like to discuss (read: vent about) but was unable to do in his own space, I was only too glad to pass the buck for a day let him borrow mine.
Enjoy, dear friends. (And if anyone feels like lifting heavy shit all day, I mean helping a friend, why not skip out of work early and at the very least, come join our very colorful neighborhood watch and taunt B and I while we struggle? Apparently all you need is a lawnchair, some asscrack, and a Schlitz. Settle in and enjoy the show…)
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Intonguepatible
I met LivLuv and B on a blissfully boozy night where her extremely significant other, B, and I played the sober sheriffs for a trio of Girls Night Outlaws. They instantly became my new favorite couple – friends at first sight. A few weeks later a small dinner party dinner at my place was in the offing. The fourth guest, The Analyst, was a last minute addition.
The Analyst and I had a great first date – banter, flirting, conversations about literature, a slow walk to her house, and an extremely brief but optimistic kiss good night. The only mutually available evening for a second date was the night of the dinner party. Do I tell her about the blog? How can it not be discussed? I divulged my therapeutic online secret.
The evening unfolded in four course harmony, conversation flowing as easily as the wine. When the clock pointed to an hour where reasonable people say good night, LivLuv and B headed to a cab and left The Analyst and I to our own devices.
The Analyst and I kissed. It was awful. We were fundamentally, irrevocably intoungepatible. How does a woman make her way through 28 years of life and not learn that you don’t lead with your tongue? Determined to salvage the situation, I placed a hand to her face and slowly pulled her towards me hoping that she would slow down with me. I placed my lips on hers but then as soon as I gave any part between my lips her tongue darted up and down like the stuffed animal in the Whack-a-Mole game.
I tried a few more times, each sucking more than the last as the realization became more cemented with each sloppy, frustrating kiss.
Intoungepatible and I couldn’t even blog about it.
Thanks, LivLuv, for letting me borrow your place to vent.
{ 15 comments }
Like the stuffed animal in a whack-a-mole game! Perfect.
Man, you have met a lot of bad kissers. You are a tough customer, methinks.
Oooh the bad kisser grievance. That’s pretty bad, but what’s worse, too much or none at all?
Did she waggle her head from side to side, too? So you felt like you were kissing an automated car wash?
Also, LivLuv, I’m useless at carrying boxes (they’re usually as big as I am) but I’d be happy to organize your closets for you.
If only there was a school where the tongue-ally challenged could learn how to use them properly. You could call it “Restaurant Refugee’s School for Kids Who Can’t Kiss Good”. Thank you for coining a term I will use for life.
What is it with people feeling as though they need to shove that thing down your throat? Ha!
Get out before she rips your soul out with that thing!
Kissing is an art form. And when you find that perfect kissing match…jesus…it’s effortless, enveloping, eloquent. Life is simply too short to not be kissed well. Period.
My personal favorite slash personal hell was the Firm Tongue Tornado.
The kisser sharpened his tongue into a hard point and dipped it in and out of my mouth, all while swirling around. It was really quite remarkable – if uncomfortable and not at all sexy – and to this day I can’t quite figure out how he did it.
Lemmonex – Thank you. I was rather proud of that line, sadly it entirely too true.
P.S. I met a great one the other night.
I-66 – If given the choice between too much or none at all, I would opt for none at all however, neither is likely to inspire a return visit.
Shannon – everything else about the kiss and the woman, were lovely, but that demon-possessed tongue.
Fearless – can you imagine having to evaluate the oral examine on the applications?
Venomiss – Already gone, she has been getting smaller in the rear view since that night.
DCDamsel – without question, it is more art than operation.
Caitlin – I cannot imagine the emotional scars.
This post (and his entire blog) makes me want to meet RR and show him what a good kiss is. But I’m sure he knows.
I’m always amazed at the things you run across when randomly surfing the blogosphere… This post and the comments show such ridiculous class as to leave one speechless. Well, not quite. The words pathetic come to mind, and lips. Fitting as that is the topic of conversation. Why would anyone defame a seemingly good person, by the account given, in writing, in public? Does it make a person feel better about their misanthropic self, by putting down another?
And I would guess that everyone here has technique so wickedly delicious that it brings life to the dead. I am in sincere doubt about that… some of our dear commentarians are like kissing an overly desperate school girl, weak in the knees with the football hero. Except they have less self esteem and even less panache. But alas, I digress… This is about dear boy wonder of the foodie sect. Would they be handing him or any of you awards of character upon reading this? I think not. Most likely they would shake their heads in disgust. As do I.
I hope you find some manners and class my oh so witty dears. That is what I wish for in the new year.
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