I’m (Finally) Ready to Fall, Again.

“She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child,
But she’s always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she’ll never believe
And she’ll take what you give her, as long as it’s free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she’s always a woman to me…”

~Billy Joel

My friends know me as the commitment-phobe, only-wants-what-she- can’t-have, as-soon-as-you-show-her-interest-she’ll-lose-it, gets-bored- with-a-nice-guy-after-5-minutes type. I know I’m not unusual, there are plenty of us out there nowadays. But I wasn’t always this way. Actually, now that I think about it, I kind of was. I was a little heartbreaker in elementary school… I had a different boy walking me to my locker every couple of weeks in middle school… but at the tender age of 16, I dumped the senior I was seeing for the first boy I ever fell in LOVE with; true butterflies-inducing, heart-wrenching, earth-shattering, L-O-V-E love. I gave myself completely to him- and I don’t (just) mean that in the literal sense.

I wouldn’t trade those years with him for anything; although he put me through emotional hell, breaking up with me and getting back together some 7 or 8 times in those three years, I learned so much from that relationship. But, eventually, I went to college, and our young romance went the way of every other high-school-turned-college relationship; I ached for adventure and the unknown and so, in The End, I broke his heart. I will never forgive myself for the circumstances under which I did it, but I think all in all, the hurt we caused each other was comparable.

Two months later, yes, Two Months Later, I fell in love again. I don’t know how the hell it happened, except that he was such an amazing guy, and so perfect for me, that I didn’t have a choice. Ultimately, though, there was no way it could work- I was 19, and just out of a three year relationship (although I’d stolen him from a 7+ year one); it was doomed. Again, those two years we spent together taught me so much, and I’m so grateful. He is one of my best friends and one of the people I care about most on this earth. It makes me glad just to know he is out there, brightening the lives of others everywhere he goes. He’s such a happy soul, and he definitely brought sunshine to my life.

But those relationships? Were 5 years ago. I’m turning 25 in October, and I’ve spent half a decade without real LOVE in it. I have friends and family that I love dearly (and love me), and I’ve had some half-assed relationships where there were good times (and bad ones.) But it’s been five years since someone held me, looked me in the eye, and said those words that take you to a place you never knew existed… “I love you. I love YOU, so deeply, and I can’t imagine feeling any other way.” And it’s been five years since my heart was so overwhelmed with what I felt for a man, a man who was mine, a man who wanted me for his, that I could hardly breathe… that my eyes welled up just thinking about him, and how much I wanted him to hold me, so tight, and tighter still, until it almost hurt, he was squeezing so hard, because he couldn’t get enough of me, me, HIS girl.

I Want to Let Go. I want to give in, I want to surrender myself completely to mind-blowing, all-consuming, passionate, graphic, sickeningly sweet, trulymadlydeeply LOVE. After years of dating and screwing around and toying with boys (and men), I feel I’ve managed to patch up my heart and make it whole again. And I’m finally ready to give it to someone, A Real Man, who will hopefully handle it gently… but even if he doesn’t…

I’m ready to fall. And I don’t care where I land.