I Would Totally Pay For Half Your Abortion, Darling

So, I’m dating a comedian. He’s not incredibly famous and well-known outside of the comedy world, but he doesn’t do open mike nights either. He came to the Improv last October, right around my birthday, and we went to the show. And he was HILARIOUS. So, I decided he was going to be my birthday present. Anyone who knows me knows that I am an absolute sucker for a cute, quirky, funny guy.

After he left the stage, he stood in the back, located (conveniently) near the rest rooms, watching the next act. I told my roommates, “I’m going to go give him my number.” They squealed in classic girlie fashion (“Omigod, you are not!“) I scribbled my cell down on a napkin and sat there, heart racing, trying to make the move as smoothly as possible… Finally, on the verge of a heart attack but trying to pull off “totally debonair, what?”, I made my way towards the bathroom. Pretending that I noticed him on my way, I said, “Oh, hey, you were hilarious up there.” Of course a man is a sucker for flattery. Within moments we had plans to meet up for drinks after the show and had exchanged numbers. I win.

Months later, my NYC comedian and I still see each other every now and then; when I go to New York, when he comes to DC. He sends me texts like, “If you got pregnant and had to have an abortion, I would totally pay for half. Or $175. Whichever was cheaper.” Maybe it’s my twisted sense of humor, but he absolutely cracks me up.

Incidentally, a couple of months ago when I went to visit him in Miami (where he was doing a show, and I could get a tan), a couple we were talking to in the hot tub asked how we met. When I recounted the story, I mentioned how I hadn’t actually had to go to the bathroom… he was taken aback (in a good way), and said how glad he was that I’d lied. So am I. It pays to take risks, as long as you’re willing to accept the consequences- and what’s the worst that can happen from walking up to an attractive guy anyway? If he turned me down, I’d just tell myself he must have a girlfriend and move on to the next challenge. Life’s too short not to hit on the cute comedian.